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Do you ask yourself “How can I get what I want in this relationship?”
Well, we’re happy to let you know there’s a simple trick to it. The trick is that you would be happy with a number of outcomes. You just don’t know it yet.
It’s just a question of finding the result that works for both you and your partner.
The vast majority of times, that place exists; you just need to find it.
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Here is a secret that very few people, even many therapists and counselors, know: you can find that place without struggle.
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You know how it usually works. You take position A; your partner holds position B, an obviously stupid and inferior position, and you can’t understand how they can be so dense as to not understand that you are right and their position is so wrong…and so it goes, until one person, severely wounded and out of ammunition (we hope you realize this is metaphorical) concedes, but the pain of defeat remains, ready to add fuel to the next conflict.
You can avoid all that. Really!
1. Be Flexible
How likely is it that your first opinion on a subject is the best, most perfect and only solution in the entire world? If your partner has that attitude, too, there’s no hope. You have to be open to other possibilities. What’s the best movie in the world? Hard to pick from the ones you know, but what if it’s one you haven’t even seen yet?
When you and your partner disagree initially, you have to remain open to all the possibilities, otherwise there is no route to a solution.
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2. Remember You are on the Same Side
You’re a partnership. Whether it’s FWB or marriage vows, you have reached an agreement within your relationship, and your needs are mutual, not antagonistic or opposed.
When you approach disagreements in this light and both of you can declare an intention to find a solution, the challenge is transmuted from a competition into a treasure hunt.
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3. Stay in Physical Contact
Sit together, hold hands, touch knees, whatever; there is a communication through touch that runs far deeper than words. Use it. Researchers have found that two people separated visually can communicate emotions by touch far above the expected rate. It’s an inheritance from the many species that do not use language.
4. Speak Personally
Don’t talk about your partner’s failings; speak personally instead. Say “I’m feeling cold” rather than “You pulled the blanket off me,” or “I feel Johnny needs more independence” rather than “You spoil him too much.” This removes the accusatory tone that leads to a counterattack or a defensive response. Instead, it’s a personal statement about what you are thinking and feeling, an offering of openness that can draw your partner closer.
Such a change of attitude from such a small change in language!
5. Practice Active Listening
When your partner speaks in turn (and you do give them space to get their message across, don’t you?), listen attentively to what they are saying and feeling. Don’t be preparing counter arguments as they speak; you’ll miss out on much of what they’re saying. Instead, try your best to see where they’re coming from. They have a viewpoint; it’s just not yours (or maybe it is, it’s just described differently. You won’t know till you listen!) What a chance for intimacy and an opportunity to find out how your partner sees the world!
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When you both practice all of these things, a wonderful dance can occur. Because your partner has described his or her needs and concerns, you can think of a modification of your position that accommodates them and yet is still perfectly acceptable to you. Your partner can likewise make suggestions, and the dance goes on until you both arrive at the same place.
This is magic because 1) you’ve found something that works for both of you; 2) neither person has compromised, and 3) it occurred without any conflict or bad feelings. It turns a disagreement from an emotional battle into an intimate sharing where you end up closer than ever. The more you do this, the more you see how it works and the more enticing it becomes, until there is no other way that you would have it.
We can assure you from personal experience that this method works. We have been together for 11 years without an argument, and still rejoice every day in the pleasure of each other’s company.
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The post 5 Ways to Get What You Want in Your Relationship appeared first on Dumb Little Man.
Sig Nordal 