“Are you playing or practicing?”

When I was growing up and learning to play the piano, we had an old, upright Baldwin sitting in the living room. When I sat down to play, everyone in the house could hear it – and hear every wrong note and mis-timed measure. I hating messing up, and tried to avoid it whenever I could.

My dad probably asked that question, are you playing or practicing, a hundred times when I was a kid. It was a simple question but the message was clear: you can play the piano to play the piano, or you can play the piano to get better.

Years later, at a college ultimate frisbee practice, I heard the idea in a different way. Introducing a drill, my captain said “If you never drop the disc in this drill, you aren’t trying hard enough.”

Why Striving For Success Causes Problems

I’ll be the first to say – success is awesome, and winning feels great. But striving for success and focusing on winning is ultimately self-defeating.

Take my amateur piano playing as an early example. I sat at the piano and played easy pieces for hours. I cringed at the thought of my mistakes reverberating throughout the house, so I stuck to what I knew I could do flawlessly.

At ultimate frisbee practice, I could slow down to catch every throw in practice. But that wouldn’t help in a game when the body of my defender comes flying past me for the block.

Professionally, I could sit at my desk for 8 hours a day, slowly switching between completing assignments and checking Facebook. But that won’t help me stand out from the pack.

The problem with striving for success is that it instantly creates pressure to succeed. If your goal is to “be successful,” any moment of weakness is defeat. This wrong note or dropped catch is a reminder that you are not successful.

The pursuit of success leads us to take easy options. And, unfortunately, becoming truly successful is not always easy.

Striving to Fail

Instead, strive to fail.

Instead of playing 10 easy pieces for an hour, spend that hour learning a single phrase of a hard piece.

Instead of doing adequate work, do something outstanding. Nine out of 10 efforts might go unnoticed, but it only takes one success to change everything.

In your personal life, take risks. I debated starting online writing for ages. What if I can’t write enough? Why should anyone listen to me? What if people hate what I have to say?

Not every post has been a hit, but the successes have kept me going and the failures have made me better.

So text him first. Strike up a conversation with a stranger. Dare to be average at new experiences. Worst case scenario, you fail, your life probably doesn’t change that much, and you learn how to do better next time.

Best case scenario, you succeed.

Focusing on success is limiting, and leads to failure. A focus on failure is a focus on self-improvement, and leads to success.

If you are never failing, you are never improving.

3 Ways You Can Strive to Fail

Taking risks is important, but you don’t need to make all-or-nothing decisions. There are ways to embrace failure in your everyday life.

1. Do something you suck at

I used to be an absolutely terrible cook. I was terrified of cooking because, well, I didn’t really know how. I was afraid of making bad food.

It turns out, I made a lot of bad food, and forced myself to eat it. But I got better, slowly, over time. I learned which spices go well together. I learned to chop vegetables in 2 minutes instead of 20. Repeated failure took me from Kraft mac n’ cheese to Four cheese fettuccine alfredo.

Embrace the fact that you don’t always need to be good at things, and you may discover new activities you enjoy. As Virgil Thomson said “Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not.”

See Also: 3 Ways On How To Turn The Fear Of Failure Into An Asset

2. Make things better

Take a project you worked on recently. In an ideal world, what would have done to make it better?

When I started as a professional writer at a marketing agency, I went through all of our existing content and made notes on how I thought I could make improvements. I didn’t do that because I expected recognition: I did it because I wanted to learn.

It turns out, the project picked up steam and is getting used, but it very easily might not have. The difference between good work and outstanding work is enormous. If outstanding work were easy to achieve, everyone would do it.

Embrace the challenge. Embrace the inevitability that you will fail – sometimes. Learn from your failures, and celebrate the successes that come from them.

3. Embrace a growth environment

If you are constantly punished for failures, you’ll never be able to grow.

An environment that understands the importance of mistakes is critical for growth.

In his famous Nike commercial, Michael Jordan once said “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Jordan embodied striving for failure, but he also gained from those around him – he was still trusted to take 25 game losing shots after missing his first chance.

See Also: 15 Lessons You Can Learn From Jedi Master Yoda

Forget focusing on success. Focus on failure and self-improvement. Ask yourself this: are you playing or practicing?

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Research and exploration isn’t something which has much to do with our day to day life. I think it should. We tend to look elsewhere for our inspiration. Typically to the very, very big, to understand where we fit into the universe or the very, very small, to find out how everything fits together!

I, however, take continual delight in knowing that there is so much of our seemingly mundane daily life which remains largely unexplained. We know so little about us.

We are so strange. So much so that I’m pretty sure we just gave up trying to work ourselves out. A poorly paced evolution has left our brains wired up in weird ways.

We often do things which are totally illogical and counterintuitive things. We produce the unexpected from the seemingly mundane situations. What would you think if I told you that you don’t see, learn, feel or heal like you think you do?

Here is a list of the top weird things our brains do:

1. We don’t know ourselves like we think we know ourselves.

We’ve all done one of those personality tests. There are hundreds of fake ones floating around the internet.

You get that little booklet which sums you up… we tend do think “Wow! That’s me. So clever how they did that!” In truth, we are very likely to say the exact same thing we were handed a fluffy, vague description.

It’s called the Forer Effect – and it makes advertisers quite giddy.

2. We don’t learn like we think we learn.

There is a strong relationship between our imagination and muscle memory. Imagining doing something successfully is just as good as, and sometimes even better than actually doing it.

If you are learning to play the piano, visualising the keys – seeing your hands move through the chords is just as good as sitting down in front of the piano. One can only hope the drummer next door reads this.

See Also: 5 Sneaky Tricks Your Left Brain is Playing on You

3. We don’t see like we think we see.

Our visual cortex forms a map of the world around us from the electrical signals form our eyes. No one has ever seen the world any other way.

The more you think about, the more unsettling the idea becomes. Optical illusions bring this idea home for us. Whenever there is a disparity between actual objective reality (lines on the page) and what we visually expect to see, we get all tied up in knot.

Do you remember the movie “The Matrix?” and the more we think about it, the more we realise what a horrible actor Keanu Reeves is.

4. We don’t feel like we think we feel.

We’ve heard of the stories of amputees who still experience their missing limb, like it’s still there. Google “The Phantom Limb Experiment” the same experience can be reproduced in non-amputees. Pretty strange.

If you hid your hand under the table and placed a fake plastic on the table in front of you next to your other hand. Then, have someone touch both in the same way for a while – then maybe hit the fake one with a large mallet. You’d feel the pain as if it was your real hand.

Don’t be creepy about the hand touching. This is science.

5. We don’t heal like we think we heal.

The reason pharmaceutics have to test their new drugs against sugar pills or saline solutions (salt water) is because sugar pills and salt water work to cure lots of things! Just the belief that something works, means that it does.

And here’s the rub. As the drugs get better, then more people are treated successfully, the more we believe in the drugs, the stronger the placebo effect gets – the harder it is to prove that they work better than sugar and salt!

See Also: 10 Tips to Develop Both Sides of Your Brain

Perhaps building a Hadron Collider and bouncing particles off each other was a far more productive pursuit, if not a necessary distraction from thinking about how weird our brains are.

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Finding a skilled and reliable mechanic isn’t easy, and it can be stressful to be faced with a task of choosing someone you trust to fix only what’s broken, and at a reasonable price. The good news is that the Internet and social media can be a helpful tool in finding a trustworthy and experienced mechanic when you need one.

Here’s how to vet a new mechanic in the age of social media, and how to hold on to a good mechanic once you have found him.

What to Look for in a Mechanic

Finding a reputable automotive service center online is a good place to start, but you’ll need to drill down deeper than positive reviews for the business itself. Auto repair shops employ multiple mechanics so taking your vehicle into the best service center in town won’t do you any good if your vehicle is assigned to a new technician in training. You’ll need to find out who the star players are in this service department.

Good technicians often certify themselves through the ASE (Automotive Service Excellence) program. This testing platform allows mechanics to display their knowledge in specialized areas.

However, as an auto mechanic, I can tell you there’s no substitute for experience. Mechanics learn something new every day. The more days they spend fixing cars, the more they learn about them. When faced with a complex diagnosis on a complicated car, these veteran mechanics can reach into their bag of experiences to find the answers.

With that said, I’m willing to trade years of experience for pinpoint education on my particular automobile. If I drive a late model Chevy, I would choose a Chevrolet certified technician with three years of experience over a mechanic at an independent facility with 10 years under his belt.

Keep in mind that many dealership-trained mechanics wind up working at independent and franchise auto repair centers later in their careers. When vetting a new mechanic, push for a conversation with him to see if he has ever worked on your specific year, make and model.

The Tools to Use

Facebook can be a good tool as a first step in finding a mechanic: Ask your friends for recommendations to get you started.

But, keep in mind that your Facebook friend might have a Toyota Corolla that almost fixes itself, while your Cadillac is much more complicated. It’s also possible to have a good experience with a bad mechanic.

As the saying goes, a broken clock is right at least twice a day. Cross-reference these recommendations from your social media friends with sites like Yelp or Angie’s list that have dedicated sections for auto repair.

But don’t stop there. When vetting a new mechanic, try using additional tools that aren’t as well recognized. As an example, the people at Car Talk have put together a local research tool called The Mechanic Files . Here you can enter your city and state to find out more about shops in your area. This tool is designed to show the good mechanics at the top of the list, as the reviews are listed in descending order of satisfaction.

Another research tool I prefer over the big players is provided by RepairPal. This service also provides location-based information and verified reviews. However, it also supplies important information at a glance.

Some of this data includes the business owner’s name, how long the shop has been open, the number of ASE certified technicians working in the establishment, and the total years of experience.

See Also: DIY: Skip the Mechanic for Simple Car Tasks

Hang on to that Technician for Dear Life

Now that you spent a fair amount of time finding a good mechanic, you don’t want to let him go without a fight. Mechanics often move around in search of the best pay for their skills, so don’t take it for granted that your favorite technician will stay at the same repair shop.

Being a mechanic is a tough job, and it takes a lot of initial training before they see their first paycheck. Not only is the training expensive, but the tools required to work on automobiles cost even more.

To make matters worse, the average mechanic only makes around $37,000 a year. The one thing automotive technicians have on their side is job security. So they are always shopping for the best offer in exchange for their skills.

There are two things that an automotive consumer should do when they find the right mechanic.

First, let them know you appreciate their hard work, professionalism and skill level. The verbal compliments will go a long way, but back up your words with a physical demonstration of sincerity. Take the time to interact when you pick up the vehicle and slide them a monetary tip.

The second thing you want to make clear is that your loyalty lies with the mechanic and not the business. This way when they move to a greener pasture you’ll get an invitation to follow along.

See Also: Check Out The Top 10 Garage Door Trends For 2016

If you maintain your relationship, you’ll be saved from going through the arduous process of finding a trusted technician all over again. And don’t forget to pay it forward—recommend your great find to your friends on social media, so they can benefit from your research.

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Do you want to learn how to overcome depression naturally?

Depression is one of the prevalent issues humans are facing today. In spite of being so ubiquitous in today’s world, there is a lack of awareness on how to tackle this disorder.

Depression is more common in youngsters than the rest of the age groups. Part of its prevalence in youngsters is associated with their inability to cope with life pressure.

Regardless of the reasons, depression is something that wears you out emotionally and mentally. It is a kind of silent killer that consumes you inside and out. What is more frustrating is the fact that people resort to medications.

Contrary to what people believe, medications like anti-depressants and tranquilizers only worsen the condition rather than doing any good. They only provide a momentary escape from depression but do a serious damage to your health.

The good news is that depression can be treated without resorting to these toxic medications.

Here are ways to overcome depression naturally:

1. Change Your Diet

What we eat has an effect on our state of mind. Similarly, when you are depressed, you have to cope with insomnia and mood swings. Therefore, the first step to treating depression is altering your diet.

When people are depressed, they often start taking fast food in abundance. Due to mood swings, they resort to junk foods that only worsen their health. Similarly, many people indulge in drinking too much of caffeinated drinks that affect their sleep.

Instead, substitute unhealthy food with natural nutrients that can heal your soul. For example, chamomile tea can be a healthier replacement for coffee or tea as it has plenty of apigenin, while serotonin-rich chocolates boost your mood and gives you instant energy.

See Also: The Happiness Diet: 5 Food Habits That Can Reverse Depression and Actually Make You Happier

2. Reinforce a Sleeping Pattern

Depression has a direct effect on your sleep. When you are feeling the blues, you have to force yourself to sleep. Your constant battle with insomnia results in restlessness and agitation. But you can improve your sleep cycle with little efforts.

To begin with, you need to tweak changes in your lifestyle pattern. Start by making a routine of your sleep. Avoid the urge to take short naps during the day as it will affect your mood and interrupt your night sleep.

For nighttime, you should disconnect yourself from distracting sources such as mobile phone and music players. Make sure your bedroom is as tranquil as possible to induce sleep.

3. Vent Out Your Negativity

Depression can be overwhelming and it can make you feel emotionally exhausted after a time. Therefore, it is important that you vent out the contained frustration in a natural way.

For example, you can start writing everything that comes to your mind. Similarly, you can find a place where you can shout out loud to release your anger. If you feel comfortable, you can even talk to a friend and vent out the negativity.

Using these techniques will help you naturally let out the negative energies and you will end up feeling much better.

See Also: 7 ways I Dealt With My Depression

4. Perform Yoga

Performing yoga is another effective natural therapy to naturally help you fight depression. Yoga is a multifaceted activity that heals you in more than one way. Not only does it release the negative energies from your body, it also improves your focus and ensures good health.

Unlike antidepressants, mediation provides a natural escape from depression and it stops the odds of a relapse of depression.

Hopefully, the above tips will help you ease your way out of depression without having to resort to self-prescribed pills.

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We all take responsibility for our actions; we feel guilty when we’re bad, and fulfillment when we’re good. Do you do the same for your feelings? Should you? I used to.

I alternated between priding myself on liking people and guilting myself for disliking them. Naturally, I rather preferred pride to guilt; I liked feeling virtuous, so I tried to force feelings of liking someone, or of respecting them, of forgiving, or of staying calm in the face of irritation.

This left me frustrated when I failed, and I carried a lot of guilt for feeling the “wrong” way.

Epiphany #1

Well, there’s power and there’s progress in updating your beliefs. As I grew older, the thought came to me: I wasn’t asking for my feelings, they came whether I wanted them or not! Consistent with scientific findings, I really, really couldn’t just use my willpower to make them be whatever I wanted, not well, and not for long (the emotional part of our brain, the Autopilot System, is much more powerful than the rational part, the Intentional System). So it was hardly fair to keep telling myself the feelings were my fault!

Besides, doing so often trapped me in this loop:

1. I felt down

2. So I tried to force myself to feel better

3. I failed

4. I blamed myself for failing

Of course, this just made me feel worse, which made me try even harder, with even less success — rinse, wash, repeat — until crippling despair permeates the soul.

Research finds this loop is common.I don’t think I ever suffered from depression, but I imagine if I did, it would have been hell to hold myself responsible for those feelings, to go through these cycles with even less control (and even less reason to blame myself for it all).

“Better,” I thought, “if I take responsibility for what I do about my feelings, rather than for the feelings themselves.”

So, instead of holding myself 100 percent responsible for my actions, and 100 percent responsible for my feelings, I decided it was better to hold myself 100 percent responsible for my actions, but 0 percent responsible for my feelings.

I let my feelings off their leash and wondered where all this calm suddenly came from, as I relearned how to relax. I no longer felt like the open moments in my day had to be spent making sure my feelings had been the “right way.”

I learned: Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are what they are. Do whatever is best to do, and let your feelings be. Let them come. And then let them pass, like the waves of the sea.

That way, my negative feelings faded sooner, more easily, than when I was trying to force them to go. I had less stress and extra energy for doing, once I stopped wasting it on how I was feeling.

But, my work was not yet done. If ever you’ve felt confident you knew what was what because you knew what wasn’t, I hope you can learn from my error, because my learning was incomplete.Remember, I shifted from 100 percent responsibility for my feelings to no responsibility, using the Intentional System we all have.

I still think this was mostly right.

The Problem with Epiphany #1

But I wasn’t entirely right. Because, from my earlier experiences, I knew — though I wasn’t thinking of it at the time — that trying to force your feelings can work. A little. Your feelings are not completely decoupled from your Intentional system. Just mostly, perhaps 90%.

See Also: 5 Quick Fixes To Improve Your Mental Health

Epiphany #2

If you try to push your feelings more than you should, it’s a slick slip down a steep slope into debilitating cycles of wasted willpower.

But. If you push — juuust a little, juuust enough, you can make a little headway against negative feelings.

The old idea “just have a positive attitude” sticks around because it works. Sort of. It’s also a sort of hideous thing to tell someone suffering depression, or to tell someone who’s already trying and failing, slipping down a cycle into despair, implying that they just aren’t trying hard enough, so what’s wrong with them. Don’t be the one who twists that knife.

But if you haven’t been trying at all, I can say from experience that it’s worth trying a little. Take about 10 percent responsibility for your feelings, and 100 percent responsibility for your actions. Be intentional to reach your goals.

“Let it be” and “man up” are not entirely at odds with each other. Generally, “let it be” is better for your feelings, and “man up” is better for your actions. And sometimes, oh so carefully, juuust a little, just 10 percent for your feelings, too. Perhaps something as simple as forcing yourself to smile, since it’s been found that your emotions will follow your actions.

But saying “big girls don’t cry” is just not helpful. It’s more focused on what’s convenient for everyone else, rather than what’s healthy for the person with tears running down her face, the one who needs help more than anyone.

Now, while different people need different advice, please remember that it’s much more dangerous trying to force too much than trying to force too little. Taking a little too much responsibility is much worse than taking too little, like drinking a little too much is worse than drinking a little less. If you tend to force too much, relax. Let it be. Let your feelings come, let them go. Focus on doing rather than feeling. Let yourself not be relaxed, not be calm, not be happy. Let feelings be what they are. When you’re rested up, you can try a little, being careful not to take it too far all over again.
If you’re not trying at all, you’re probably not in terrible shape. But I recommend making a little effort.

I once hurt someone I loved.

She had forgiven me, and we had worked things out…but still…I felt the weight of that error.
I felt pressured from every side, my will a thousand miles off, my psyche stretched thin…until it snapped. I didn’t want to try; I didn’t want to try to try, and it felt like I was supposed to feel that way.

I was wary of trying to push my feelings to be something they weren’t, but I gave it a tentative attempt. Like so:

1. I imagined how I would feel if I was over it. I gave myself permission to be over it. I was not “supposed” to feel this way.

2. I then acted like I did feel that way. I told myself I felt that way. I pushed my feelings. Juuust a little.

It worked great! A few times that day, the negative mood approached again, but I just made a small effort to resist it … and I felt just fine — and ever since, too. I call this putting a gossamer leash on my feelings. With a single strand of spider silk as a leash, I gently guided my emotions where I wanted them.

I recommend the same for you:

1) – Imagine how you want to feel,

and then

2) – Step into that feeling, that persona, that role.

Sometimes when I do this, I get a pushback as my feelings reassert themselves. When that happens, I let it. The leash is gossamer for a reason; if an emotion pulls away, it can break free.
When a bad feeling comes, push a little, see if it works, and then let it be.

Picture yourself doing it, see yourself stretching forward, breaking the bindings of negativity, listening to your feelings, and then letting them be. Put your feelings on a gossamer leash.

See Also: 3 Unconventional Ways Of Thinking That’ll Help You Change Yourself

Your destiny is shaped by your actions, not by your feelings. Whatever your feelings, you can make life wonderful.

Questions for Consideration:

Why would feeling guilty about your feelings lead to a cycle of worse feelings?

What would happen to someone suffering from depression if they did this?

How could letting your feelings go actually help them get better?

When in your life would it have helped you to know about this?

What might happen if we blame other people for how they feel?

Whom do you know that could benefit from this understanding?

 

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