“Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up! Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You don’t come with a book on how to get it right all the time. You will fail sometimes, not because you planned to, but simply because you’re human. Failure is a part of creating a great life.” – Les Brown

Growing up in a traditional Asian household, my dad made it clear that academics were always a top priority and by top I mean the ONLY priority in my life. Straight A’s wasn’t a goal; it was a requirement. Even when I got all A’s and one B, that B stuck out like a sore thumb.
“What’s going on? How come you couldn’t get straight A’s?”

It wasn’t good enough that I got 90%, in his eyes, it had to be 100%.  This created a lot of pressure and tension for me when it came to academics.  I was already motivated to do well in school, but I hated the pressure of always having to be perfect.

I worked hard in high school and achieved straight A’s every semester until my senior year.  That year I would experience a different type of failure for the first time in my life.  It was something my dad never prepared me for, and I wished he had. That failure was a broken heart.
The summer before my senior year, my high school sweetheart of two years broke up with me.  She said it was because we were both going to be away for college and it didn’t make sense to maintain a long distance relationship.  I felt differently otherwise.

My senior year would end up being the year from hell.  I became reclusive, left school every day at lunch to avoid being there and got a 3.3 GPA, my worst ever.  But the worst decision was when I decided not to apply to my college of choice because I was afraid to go away for college.  Instead, I stayed home and went to a local university.

That heartbreak kicked off a series of failures that I almost never recovered from.  I spent the next 15 years fighting addiction, depression, rejection, more heartbreaks, and even thoughts of suicide.  Those were very tough times, but these days I’m in a much better place after turning my life around in 2012.

I’ve learned quite a bit about failure first hand through that experience and here are the ten things I wish my dad taught me about failure:

1. Failure comes in many forms

Failure is scary because it comes in so many forms, many of which we’re never truly prepared for.  While I grew up understanding failure in the context of school, I had to learn the hard way the other variations of failure.  Broken heart?  Check. Didn’t get that job I wanted?  Check again.  Falling out with a friend?  Yup, that was me.

Rather than associate failure with my grades, I wish my dad had taught me what failure was in general.  More specifically I what it feels like and how to deal with it when it happens.  This way I would be better prepared to deal with any type of failure opposed to just one.

I felt like my parents were too prescriptive when it came to raising me.  “Do that, don’t do this.”  While it’s straight to the point, I would’ve learned better had they added some context around why I should or should not do something.  Parents should always help their children understand why.

2. Failure is a normal part of life

Raise your hand if you’ve experienced at least one of the following:

• Been fired or laid off from a job
• Bombed an interview
• Failed a test
• Didn’t get into your dream school
• Had your heart broken
• Didn’t get the guy/gal you wanted
• Let “the one” walk away
• Been cheated on
• Had a falling out with a friend/family member
• Said something we regretted right afterward
• Upset or disappointed someone we cared about
• Lost money in the stock market
• Lost money on a business venture

In about 30 seconds, I listed every type of failure I could think of that I’ve experienced in my life.  And I’m sure there’s more that you can add to this list.  We don’t always classify these experiences as failures, but it definitely feels like it when it happens.  The point I want to make is that failure is a normal part of life.  We shouldn’t look at failure as something to avoid but rather an experience that we can learn and grow from.

3. Why you fail is more important than how you fail

When my high school sweetheart broke up with me, she reasoned that we would be going off to different colleges and it didn’t make sense to stay together.  The following week, I saw her going to the Homecoming dancing holding hands with another guy.  I was furious.  Why did she lie to me?  How could she tell me one thing but do another?

One of my best traits as a child growing up was my ability to self-reflect.  Rather than point the finger at her, I looked at what I might’ve doneto contribute to the breakup.  She was into athletics and played three sports year round.  I, on the other hand, was into academics.  After school when she would have her games, I would spend my time studying instead.  Looking back that might’ve been a factor since I wasn’t there to watch and support her.

Even though I was hurt and felt like she cheated on me, I knew it wasn’t 100% her fault.  I shouldered some of the blame myself.  Having this insight and self-reflection allowed me to work on myself and ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes again.

4. The sooner you accept failure, the sooner you can prepare for it

In 1987, I was seven years old and living in Los Angeles.  I remember one morning while playing in the playground at school during recess; the ground shook violently.  I saw kids running and hiding under benches, and at one point I saw the ground move like a wave in the ocean.  My friends and I didn’t know what to do so we stood in fear and held each other.

That was the first time I ever experienced an earthquake.  The next few weeks, the school educated us on earthquake safety and preparedness.  We learned what to do in the case of an earthquake, where to stand/hide under, and created emergency earthquake kits to take home.  It was this moment that taught me to always prepare for the worst.

Now that I’m older I use this same mentality when it comes to failure.  I don’t expect to get fired, have a divorce, or be homeless, but at the same time, I also understand I’m not immune.  Knowing these are all real possibilities, it forces me to be more mindful and present when it comes to my marriage and career.  I learn to not things for granted.

5. Failure is often a key step on the way to success

Sometimes I feel like the notion of success and failure gets misconstrued by how the media portrays it.  For example, when you watch the sporting events like the Superbowl there is a victor, a loser, and nothing in between.  People say there is no moral victory in losing, but I highly disagree.  Failure can teach us a great deal of what we need to improve in order to be successful.

Take a look at some of the most successful people in recent history and see how their failures propelled them to further success.  Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.  Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a news anchor.  Steve Jobs was fired from Apple, his own company that he started.  Needless to say, all three of these people did pretty well for themselves despite their failures.

I know I used three well-known celebrities in my example, but I encourage you to talk to people you consider successful in your circle.   I’m sure they will all have some story about the struggles they had to overcome to get to where they are today.  While the media embellishes overnight success stories, what they don’t tell you are the 10+ years of sleepless nights it took to get there.

6. Don’t let your fear of failure hold you back

In high school, my parents gave me the assignment of cleaning out the garage on a Saturday morning.  Rather than complain about the chore, I decided to have a little fun with it.  In our garage, we stored everything you could think of like old computers, toys, and clothes nobody wore anymore.

Instead of throwing them way, I decided I was going to host a garage sale.  I laid everything out on the lawn, posted flyers on the lamp posts in my neighborhood, and waited for customers to trickle in.  I made about $100 that day which wasn’t bad considering I was going to throw most of the stuff away anyway.  Being an entrepreneur was something I knew I was destined for.

However, I lost my way in my 20’s because of my struggles with addiction and depression.  The fear of failing prevented me taking risks in my career to do meaningful work.  I kept telling myself I wasn’t good enough even though I knew it wasn’t true.  It wasn’t until I turned my life around and got over my fear of failing was I able to finally become my own boss.

7. It is okay to fail as long as you don’t give up

I went to a leadership retreat a few weeks ago.  There were about 80 people total, and we were all split into smaller groups of six each with its own group leader.  On the first night during dinner, we each had to share a crucible moment in our lives.  If you’re not familiar with what a crucible moment is, it’s an example of a time where you faced extreme hardship or adversity only to come out of it a better person.

When it came time for me to share, I talked about my break up after college and how that led me down the path of destruction.  As I shared my story and got to the part about how I used to think about suicide, I started to cry.  I cried because I felt sorry for myself.  I cried because I could remember how much pain I felt back then.  But as I continued, I shared how resilient I had become and was able to rebuild my life.
One of my teammates looked at me and said, “If there’s anything I could take away from your story, it’s the fact that no matter how tough things look you can always start over.”  She was absolutely right because no matter how many times I failed, I never gave up.  My persistent to fight was what led me to evolve into the person I am today.

8. It’s not failing if you’re learning

In 2013, I was determined to figure out how to make a dollar selling something digital on the Internet.  Not $100, $10, or $5; I was simply focused on making a single dollar.  After doing some keyword research, I settled on creating an eBook on how to crate train puppies.  There was decent search volume each month with very little competition for products.

I spent about two weeks researching and writing the eBook.  I then created a sales page, uploaded my eBook on the web, and connected it to a payment processing system.  I had a $100 coupon for Google Adwords and decided to use Adwords to drive traffic over.  I set up my Adwords campaigns on a Saturday night and went to bed.

The next morning I woke up early and found I had made two sales for a total of $30.  I couldn’t believe my eyes; I actually did it.  I decided to continue running ads for two more weeks.  In the end, I spent $250 in ads only to make two more sales for a final total of $60.  It didn’t matter that I didn’t turn a profit because the reward was in the learning.

9. Sometimes failure is beyond your control, and that’s okay

When I graduated college in 2004, I went to work at Sun Microsystems, one of the largest renowned tech companies in the world at the time.  Sun Microsystems or Sun as I like to call it, was such a well-respected company.  Working there back then is the equivalent of working at Apple, Facebook, or Google today.  When I was hired on, I thought my career was set.

Unfortunately when I came on board, Sun was going through a rough time.  The company had some key poor decisions that caused them to severely lose ground in the market.  Then in 2009, Sun was acquired by Oracle, and a majority of the workforce was laid off including me.  Just imagine if Facebook as a company no longer existed; that’s what it felt like.

I loved working at Sun, and even though it wasn’t my fault that I no longer had a job, I felt extremely dejected.  I was embarrassed to apply at other companies because I felt like a failure.  It was the first time I’ve ever been laid off from a job, and it wouldn’t be the last.  But even through all that I still ended up in a meaningful career doing what I love.  Not too shabby I would say.

10. Learn to embrace failure

My parents immigrated from Vietnam in 1980 to escape the communists.  They had absolutely nothing when they came to the US outside of a few suitcases.  They collected cans, picked strawberries in the fields, and did whatever odd jobs they could find to provide for my siblings and me.  With a little luck, my dad found steady work as a furniture delivery man.

My dad worked long hours and worked his way up to be a salesman where he learned the ins and outs of owning a furniture store.  Eventually, he would save up enough money to open up his own furniture store; it was a very proud moment for him.  My dad soon found out that running a business is much tougher than working in a business.  The furniture store struggled, and after a few years, it went out of business.  It was very tough on my dad.

I can understand why my dad pushed me so hard in school.  He didn’t want me to experience failure like how he had experienced failure, but I would’ve experienced failure one way or another.  There was nothing he could’ve done to shield me from it.  The best thing he could’ve done which to use his experience and teach me how to embrace failure instead of fear it.

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“Forget all the reasons it won’t work and believe the one reason that it will.” – Unknown.

Better late than never

I had just turned 43 when I approached a woman for the first time and asked her out.  Every girlfriend I had and every date I’d gone on before that the woman had asked me out.   “What’s your secret, man? I wish I had things that easy,” I hear you saying.   There’s no secret, man.  And as you about to find out it definitely wasn’t as glamorous as it sounds…then.

I’m a good looking guy.  I’m what you would call tall, dark and handsome.  I encounter very few obstacles attracting the attention of beautiful women. Up until just recently, that’s all I did.  The old me was too shy to approach a woman, even when her interest in me was as subtle as a sledgehammer!

My struggle with shyness and the lie I believed

I’m not sure what had caused my shyness as I was always outgoing growing up.   It was nothing for me to make new friends or fit in as they say.  Maybe my shyness developed in my late teens.  It was around this time that my mother’s dislike for the world and everyone in it reached new heights.  I recall her telling me that most people are “evil” and all women are “hussies.”

Maybe my shyness stemmed from always having my mates ask a girl out for me.  I always wanted to ask the girl out, but it wasn’t the done thing.  Every guy, it seemed, had their mates ask the girl out on their behalf, so I just followed suit.   Going against the grain as a teenager, as most of us can relate, isn’t always a good thing, especially in social situations.

Wherever it came from my shyness became so intense it had a negative impact on all areas of my life, not just with women and relationships.  I found it hard to speak up at work and in meetings and when I did I would have a panic attack and beat myself up afterwards. “You idiot! Why did you say something? You didn’t have to. Everyone could tell how nervous you were,” and on and on it would go.  I avoided conflict, or should I say, ran away from it, struggled with  every type of social interaction, even with family, and made excuses not to attend social gatherings like parties, BBQs, and even just hanging out with friends.  As a result I stopped getting invites and became lonely, depressed and withdrawn.  I didn’t want to live like this so I took the first step and spoke to my GP about it. It was clear I needed specialist help so he referred me on to a mental health professional.  It took some time but I managed to get to a point where I could interact with people and go to social gatherings without feeling tense in the body and wanting to leave straight away.

There was still no way in hell I could ask a woman out, however, so I continued the pattern of having my mates ask women out on my behalf.  By this time most of the women had outgrown this type of ‘courting,’ so opportunities became less and less.  “Oh, well”, I thought.  “If a woman likes me she can ask me out.”

I spent a few years single, which is hard at any age, let alone when you’re in early twenties and in the prime of your life sexually.   I would never admit at the time but I became desperate.  I was willing to accept anyone who showed interest in me and so I did.  I spent eight years of my life in an unhealthy relationship with a woman I wasn’t attracted too on any level.   I broke up with her having found out she had cheated on me.

I spent many more years alone after this because I struggled getting over the relationship, despite it being emotionally and spiritually crippling, and because I still bought into the lies that women I am interested in will approach me.

Never happened.

What did happen was history repeated itself.   I got into a three year relationship with a woman I wasn’t attracted too because I was desperate.  And yep, you guessed it, I broke up with her having found out she had cheated on me.

Worse, I still believed the lies that a woman I’m interested in will approach me.  I kept telling myself “You’ve had two really bad relationships and spent many years in a ‘dry spell,’ but you will meet ‘the one’ and it will just happen.”

Never happened.

I hooked up with another woman who I wasn’t attracted too.  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  She did have a sexy body and she was definitely an upgrade on my previous relationships.  But she obsessed over me and would call or text me day and night and even ‘creep on me.’

I’m not kidding.

I would catch her sometimes outside my house waiting for me to leave and then she would follow me to wherever I was going.  She would bump into me and say “Imagine seeing you here,” or something similar.  I’d learned from my previous bad relationships and ended this one before it got way out of hand.

I continued going out to meet women, but was still too shy to approach the ones I was interested in.  And even though by now I had learned that they wouldn’t approach me, I still hoped they would.

Never happened.

On New Year’s Eve 2014 a woman I wasn’t attracted to approached me. I showed no interest in her but she kept persisting.  Her persistence paid off because in the early hours of 2015 I started to believe there might be something between us.  I remember her giving me a kiss good-bye and me breaking out in a cold sweat.  “Crap,” I thought. “She hasn’t asked me out. I’ve gotta do something here.”
“Hey, it was nice meeting you tonight,” I told her.  “I’ll send you a message on Facebook.”

Yep, I asked for her out via a Facebook message.

A few days later she sent me a message saying that she was too busy for any kind of relationship and that she just wants to be friends.
Because of my shyness I got put in the friend zone by a woman I convinced myself I was attracted to.

“That’s it,” I told myself. “Enough is enough.”

When the student is ready the teacher will appear

For the first time in my dating life I took responsibility for my actions and short comings. I made a commitment to myself to do whatever it takes to change things. I started devouring everything I could on becoming better with women and relationships and being my best version.  A lot of the stuff I came across in the beginning I thought was good advice, but the more I put it into practice, the more I learned that it was not.  Regardless, it got me out there approaching women for the first time in my life, so that in itself was a good thing.

I didn’t stop researching and testing out advice from dating and relationship ‘gurus’ and had mixed results.  Much of the information I found centred on ‘one night stands’ and ‘pick up’ routines.  This type of interaction served me for a little while, but I wanted more than that. I wanted to be able to approach women from a place of authenticity, honesty and vulnerability.  I wanted an incredible relationship with an amazing woman who knocked my socks off and vice versa.

While I looked for help and guidance in this area I kept approaching women and putting myself out there.  I learned a lot about women myself just from doing this and as a bonus I was becoming less and less shy around them.

Seek and ye shall find; ask and ye shall receive

My efforts paid off when I found the advice I was looking for. I stumbled upon experienced and highly skilled coaches who I could relate to because they had shared similar experiences to my own.  From their recommendations, asking questions, and my own research I found the resources to help me on my journey.  Out of all them Till. Gross’s Comfort Zone Crusher Challenge course helped me the most.  This is a series of social challenges that help you become confident, build up your self-esteem and develop a healthy relationship with fear by intentionally putting yourself in embarrassing or awkward situations.  Some of the challenges involved howling like a wolf in public, lying down on a busy sidewalk, asking a stranger for a sip of their drink and asking an attractive stranger for their number.

I did these challenges over and over and in under a year I’d gone from being shy, limited and held back to confident, bold and out-going.  I approach women I am interested in all the time now and they approach me.  Some even buy me drinks!  My dating life and life in general has gone full circle and is the way it was always meant to be: abundant, exciting, meaningful, fun, effortless.
But the best thing to come out of this is using my experiences to help others break free from being shy, limited and held back.

Have you or someone you know turned their life around late in life?  Have you ever been held back from shyness and self –doubt? If so, in what way? How did you break free?

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Do you describe yourself as strong willed, powerful or assertive? Do you consider yourself a leader, or knowledgeable in your field?

Then why is it that despite how strong we are, sometimes it is so hard for us to open up to others?

To some people, it is an act of defiance or strength. Many people shy away from discussing their issues with others because they do not want to look weak. Or it could be an issue of pride – refusing to talk to others about their problems because they are worried that they will look vulnerable, when they feel that their role should be to always seem strong and confident.

Especially with the latter group of people, this is an unfortunate problem because of course we cannot be strong and powerful all the time. Even those at the proverbial top need to have some reassurance and downtime when they need it. The problem for them is that they are too bottled up with their perception of their role as a leader that they have no way to turn it off when they need help; and when they finally fall, they have the hardest time finding a way to talk.

Some people are just too shy. We either don’t want to bother or burden others with our issues, or feel they are too insignificant to raise awareness about. All of these are just mind-crafted insecurities. If anything is ever an issue on your mind, it is of course worth discussion and there is no doubt millions of other people who are thinking the same thing.

Whether you put yourself in column A, B or C, here are a couple of ways to help yourself open up to others.

1. Decide on what the matter is

Before you feel like you need to talk to someone, see what you can discover about yourself first. I know this is a bit unprogressive because usually when people have something bothering them what happens is they in fact think too much and end up wracking their brain to destruction. However that is because your brain on anxiety is like a speeding train that can’t stay on the track. If you actually take the time to sit down, write everything out and actually discuss it with yourself, you may come to a few conclusions before you go racing into a social situation with your tragedies.

2. Find someone you absolutely trust to talk to

The main problem with being unable to talk about your issues is simply not having the right person to talk to. Not all of us have a parents nearby we can talk with, or a trustworthy friend who immediately has time for us. But they are they, and it might be someone you would never expect. Sometimes someone we don’t know as a good friend appears at the right time, and through a good heart-to-heart ends up becoming a good friend.

Undoubtedly however, you do have a good friend out there somewhere – and it’s OK to open up to them. It can even start as easy as explaining to them that you are nervous to talk about something, and go from there. People react positively when they are asked for helped, and if you go to someone while in a state of emotional despairity, they will think that you feel trustworthy of them, and they will reciprocate by giving you their time and attention.

3. Talk to someone anonymous

Anonymous helplines exist for a reason. When we are down and out it takes courage but it often feels much better to talk to someone who you don’t even know. It doesn’t even mean using a helpline. Perhaps you could talk to someone at work, or an acquaintance that you don’t usually connect with. Choose someone who has a good reputation and you think can respect confidentiality. It is refreshing for two people to bond over something unexpected, such as the need for advice.

If calling a helpline seems like a viable solution, remember that you may not get the personal response back that you would from a friend, but you do get the satisfaction of getting something off your chest with full anonymity, and the reply of a completely unbiased 3rd party. It’s a hard step to take, but it is there.

4. Be ready to accept assistance

The first step really is accepting that you need some help at all. We are oftentimes so stubborn and short minded that we feel like we have to take on all struggles and responsibilities on our own. The fact is, we don’t. We all have our own security needs and circles that can help us sort out our problems – friends, family or acquaintances.

If you open up once it will be easier to do it the next time and again and again. It will help you live your life with comfort and peace of mind, knowing that there are always people out there that can help you. It is an honest way to live and even binds people and develops new friendships. People always bond over feelings – when one person is in need, someone else will be happy to answer the call and be there; it’s in our nature.

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It is said that men and women think differently, but we have to admit that things are not that simple.

This is not a scientific test, but it is fun, and in the process we might find some things about ourselves.

Let’s see how you brain works. Take just now this quick and easy quiz and find out if you brain is more female or male!

Is Your Brain More Female or Male?

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Leave a comment below to tell us how accurate was this quiz!

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“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”   ~ Mark Twain ~

Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to spend a lot of time around someone that doesn’t have a sense of humor? It feels  like there is a certain amount of tension happening and you likely have the urge to get out of this person’s company as soon as possible.  The same thing holds true for a humorless workplace. Not only is it a place where we don’t want to be, it is not the most productive environment.  There are widely held beliefs that humor not only makes a work environment a healthier, happier place to work but also a more productive one.

Recognizing the importance of humor to a healthy, productive workplace, many organizations are keeping people like Michael Kerr, humorist, speaker and author, busy travelling around the globe leading the way to assist people to laugh.

Here are 7 reasons that humor at work could have you laughing all the way to the bank.

It’s a Great Stress Buster

Humour is a great antidote to excessive stress build up. There is nothing like a good laugh to help us relax and see the lighter side of things.  Not only does humour increase our own stress, it is contagious and helps others release their stress. Workplaces in which humour is encouraged, are more relaxed places than those who try to take on a more serious tone.
Motivates and Builds Morale

One of the best and most effective ways to build up a positive, motivational atmosphere in the workplace is to encourage the use of humour.  It is so much easier to show up to work when you know there will be fun and laughter rather than to go into a somber, dull and serious place.  Laughter goes a long way towards our motivation to give our best for the organization.

Builds Stronger Relationships

It is much easier to approach someone who has a strong sense of humor and have shared a laugh with previously.  We feel more relaxed and confident around that person.  The fear of making a mistake and being judged diminishes and we feel more open and willing to share.  When we have a workplace full of people who are comfortable with one another, decision making becomes easier and less stressful.

A Great Way of Showing Appreciation

In humorless workplaces, even showing appreciation can be a stressful event.  A great approach to show appreciation for someone is to add humor to the situation.  This is why “roasts” are a popular way to give someone a sendoff or to honor them.  Some people have a difficult time displaying emotions and affection, therefore humor becomes a vehicle to exhibit how someone has deeply impacted them.

Builds Stronger Teams

In order to build strong teams, we need to break down barriers that cause people to be suspicious and fearful of one another.  Humor gives us a relatively easy and effective way to share and build up strong lasting bonds between people. Any team that is able to enjoy a good laugh together is one that is well on the way to developing a strong, positive working relationship.

Good for our Health

“Laughter is the best medicine” is more than just a cute saying. There are studies showing the people who have a strong sense of humor experience less illness and recover quicker when they do become ill.  In our body’s, laughter reduces the serum cortical, a hormone released when experiencing stress, and triggers the release of endorphins; and the body’s feel good chemicals. A good bout of laughter can release tension and leave muscles relaxed for quite some time afterwards.  It also increases blood flow, decreasing chances of having heart and other cardiovascular problems.

Helps Create Smoother Changes and Transitions

Change and transition naturally evoke feelings of uncertainly and discomfort.  This means stepping out of our comfort zone, which aids experiencing a certain amount of anxiety.  Humor helps to lubricate and make those changes easier as it takes our mind off of the “if’s” and focusing on the worst case scenarios. Humor avails us to connect with colleagues and forms a bond and buffer that eases some of the uncertainty and fears of moving forward. It helps us rise above our worries and assists us to see a lighter, brighter side of a situation.

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Habits shape our lives in profound ways. They’re the things that take over when we get up in the morning, groggy-eyed and brain dead, and send us through our rote morning routine. They allow us to complete our everyday tasks at work, things we do over and over, without too much mental effort, so we can devote our precious mental bandwidth to more important tasks.

Good habits are wonderful things to cultivate. Some people are naturally in the habit of thinking positively, which is incredibly beneficial to one’s mental health. And some people are in the habit of warmly engaging with strangers and acquaintances, which opens the door to many enriching social and networking opportunities for that person.

But wherever there is good, an evil mirror-image lurks behind it. Bad habits are roadblocks on your way to a more positive life. They are as destructive to your personal growth as good habits are positive. While no one can be perfect, we should all strive every day to be better people—and a good starting place is to endeavor to break yourself of bad habits.

Below are four bad habits that stand in your way to a better life. If you suffer from any of these afflictions, I encourage you to begin to work on curing yourself of them.

Relying on yourself to solve all your problems

The habit

You rely on only yourself to deal with the problems life throws at you. You don’t believe anyone else has ever dealt with a similar problem, or—worse yet—you believe you’re the smartest person who ever lived and no one else has advice worth your time. The problems you have are best kept to yourself, you think. It’s best if I just deal with this, I don’t want to worry anyone else.

How to begin fixing it

You should start by learning to better communicate with your friends, coworkers, and loved ones. No one has ever benefited from keeping a secret problem all to yourself. Your friends and family might possess an insight about your personality that will help you solve your problem. At the very least, communicating with others about one of your struggles is a huge relief and will help you feel less stressed about your situation.

Another thing to consider is hiring a life coach. This might seem like a radical step to take, but a life coach can give you an invaluable outsider’s perspective on your life and habits. They’re trained to give you unbiased, unfiltered advice about the habits in your life that are holding you back.

Checking your devices too often

The habit

You get out of the bed in the morning and the first thing you do is unlock your phone to start the slow drip of stimulation that will persist throughout the day. Before you begin work on your important projects at work, you get distracted by all your unread emails in your inbox—and you incessantly keep checking your inbox throughout the day. You open up your smartphone 200 times a day (the national average for Americans, scarily enough.) Before you shut your eyes before bed, the last thing you see is your smartphone’s screen.

How to begin fixing it

This is a tough one. Smartphones and social media platforms were designed to steal away as much of our attentions as they can. While an iPhone is a powerful tool to help us organize our lives, it does a lot of harm by distracting us from the things we find most important.

The easiest way to begin breaking this terrible habit is by putting yourself in situations where you won’t be tempted to check your smartphone or refresh your inbox. Leave your smartphone at home while you go for a walk, or physically power it down when you need to complete an important task. You might also consider scheduling a block on your email during certain hours of the day (you’re able to do this in Microsoft Outlook and most email apps.) You won’t receive any emails during that time, so you can focus, distraction-free, on more important matters.

Not meditating regularly

The habit

You go through your day with distracted thoughts flitting through your head. You are unmindful of your present moment. You believe you’re too busy to meditate during your daily schedule.

How to begin fixing it

The benefits of meditation are beyond dispute. Study after study has shown how meditation makes you less stressed and generally happier. The crux of the matter is just finding the time in your schedule to start a regular meditation practice.

One thing I’ve found helpful is to meditate as soon as I wake up in the morning. I set out my meditation pillow next to my bed before I go to sleep, to remind myself of my intention to meditate that morning. I also set my alarm to go off 15 minutes earlier than I normally would, to ensure I have enough time to get ready in the morning.

Staying up too late

The habit

You wake up feeling tired and groggy in the morning. You think to yourself, I shouldn’t have gone to bed so late last night. What was I thinking? You struggle to remain alert throughout the day, and resolve to go to bed early tonight. But when the evening rolls around, you stay up late in your bed watching Netflix well past the time when you should have gone to sleep.

How to begin fixing it

There are a few components to good sleep that most sleep experts agree everyone should follow—what is now called “sleep hygiene”:

Make sure your bedroom is dark and quiet throughout the night

Get on a regular sleep schedule, so you’re not sleeping in until noon on weekends and waking up at 5am on weekdays. Your body just can’t adjust to that irregular of a schedule

Don’t look at your TV, laptop, or smartphone one hour before bed. The blue light of the screen can disrupt your circadian rhythms

If you’re getting poor sleep, you need to work on fixing these three things. To begin, you should focus on just one at a time. Get in the habit of going to bed at a regular time, then focus on not watching devices before bed, for instance. Pretty soon, you will have great sleep hygiene and feel well-rested throughout the day.

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