Don’t hold it against me, but we met on Tinder. Of course we did. Because I’m a young adult, and this is, apparently, what we do now. Anyway, it started strangely from the very beginning. He was the first guy to message me “Hey,” without it being followed by a sexual innuendo. But even then, these sorts of conversations always seemed to fizzle out for me, as the other guy could never hold up his end of the dialogue. However, this particular exchange managed to get by those first awkward, “Glad to meet you, how you been?” moments, and it kept me intrigued.
We talked. A lot. But not consecutively. We played the “Wait a bit to respond, to not sound eager or desperate” game for a while. Eventually, things took a turn and we began talking…well…about everything. We liked the same music, he wanted to be a writer like me, he liked the same things, and he didn’t take himself too seriously. One day we swapped numbers. And we talked and talked and talked some more. And then one day, nothing. It seemed odd to me that someone I had been talking to everyday for a month flipped to radio silence. I thought maybe I was just being too paranoid, too crazy. And it wasn’t until that moment of quiet, that I realized I really liked this guy. Because I actually panicked whether he was gone forever. A guy, who in my mind was perfect for myself. My head took me to really eccentric places, and an intense anxiety I had never experienced waved and overwhelmed me, and quickly too.
I missed someone I had never even met beyond the boundaries of my LCD screen. I felt like I had been dumped via text message, but the difference, here, was our whole world revolved around one long message thread in the first place. But just as soon as he was gone, he was back. I received a text a week and a half later. Apologizing. Because he would. Because I thought he was great. And because I figured I was just going nuts.
From that moment on, things continued as they had for a month prior. But now I had an aching feeling that followed my confused conscious. I feared that we would never meet. Never date. That we would just talk forever in this empty cyber world. I must admit there are further circumstances, which complicate our situation; which have always been present. Though, those issues never bothered myself before because we were always just “talking,” and never “talking” about the next phase or the right thing. But now he was whom I wanted.
Aside from the substantial distance between us (about forty miles), there is the fact that I am still closeted to all of my family, even some of my friends. He doesn’t know this. But regardless, how do you arrange to spend an evening with someone no one else even knows about. Let alone make the commitment to drive an hour on the chance that things will just be…awkward in person. I was suddenly left wondering where this all was going. What would happen next? Did he even want to meet? Sadly, this happens all too often in the gay world. Closeted men coward to the Internet to meet guys. Sometimes for sex, sometimes just to learn how to talk to other gay people. But what happens when you find a legitimate connection with someone? Do you just give up on it because you still aren’t ready to take the next step? Do you suck up the anxiety and the butterflies because you are unsure of yourself? I seem to be in that limbo of uncertainty.
Call me insane, call me clingy, call me Taylor Swift. But that does not negate my very strange, very chilling, very tingly feelings for this guy who I’ve never even had a physical interaction with on any level. And all this is keeping me from pursuing any other sort of romance in my life. Because I like him. And he makes me happy. And unfortunately, it is just a phenomenon I, and I’m sure many others, will have to continue playing out until it reaches the point of heartbreak or satisfaction. That’s the Internet age for ya.
Welcome back from your fabulous or dysfunctional Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Winter Holiday celebration. Now it’s time to rack our brains and figure out what resolution we’re going to break—I mean, make—this year. But before you just come up with a promise to yourself, really evaluate if you’re ready for a long-term commitment.
1. New Year’s resolutions aren’t always love at first sight
Sometimes what we think we want isn’t what we need. You might want to be with the next world-renowned supermodel, but you need someone who gets you, keeps you grounded, and will always be there for you. And if that person happens to be a supermodel, good for you! But it’s not likely. So for your New Year’s resolution, evaluate what you want and what you need in life. Maybe your resolution shouldn’t be to save up for a sports car, so much as to endeavor to save your body from a heart attack. You won’t be able to enjoy the sports car from a hospital bed – or worse, your casket.
2. Date your New Year’s resolution before committing to it
It’s rude to say you’ll date someone for a year and then flake out. Actually, it’s weird to say you’ll date someone for a year in the first place. So, instead, go on a few dates with your resolution before you’re in a full-blown relationship with it. Diet for a little bit and see if it’s something you can commit to day by day for 365 days. Or, if you want to manage debt, do your research on methods that might work best for you short- and long-term. Whatever resolution you make this year, first figure out if it’s really something you’re ready to commit to.
3. You’re the one paying in your New Year’s resolution relationship
Both relationships and resolutions require sacrifice. They can eat up your time and finances, depending. Eating healthier means finding more time and energy to cook at home. Running a marathon can mean hiring a personal trainer or buying a gym membership . . . and actually going to the gym . . . and actually working out. Good relationships sometimes require work. But it’s good work, the best kind of work. While the resolution you commit to will require sacrifice, you’ll reap what you sow.
4. Maybe you’re not ready for a resolution . . . yet
New Year’s Day may pressure you to make a change to which you actually aren’t ready to commit. Sure, like any fun dating relationship, your resolution could last a couple months, but then it’s likely to burst into flames at the end of an ugly run. And no one likes bursts of flames except for pyromaniacs and cold people. If you’re not ready to keep to your own word, don’t make that promise to yourself. Maybe start with smaller, more realistic expectations. For instance, instead of losing 200 pounds this year, start by simply cutting desserts out of your diet. Whatever you might want your resolution to be, if you don’t think you can keep it, work on the issues preventing you from being open to change. There might be deeper issues there, more than you know.
For those of you who will be making New Year’s resolutions, I hope the very best for your upcoming year. Choosing the right resolution relationship and sticking it out can create some really excellent results!
I’m scrolling through my feed, half asleep and burrowed cozily in my bed. I scan the articles mindlessly, looking for anything that piques my interest when I see the words “for the New Year.”
And just like that, my relaxed state of mind dissipates.
Because to be honest, New Year’s stresses me out. There’s just too many expectations, too many resolutions people make but never keep. I’m not sure why it scares me, but it does.
There’s too much anticipation built around it; maybe it’s the same reason why I hate birthdays. It’s supposed to be a day where everything is special, everything is magical, everything is perfect, but what we don’t realize is that life isn’t perfect. Sometimes it really sucks when you don’t want it to. Sometimes you have three presentations and a test on your birthday. Sometimes you spend your birthday crying because you miss home and it seems like no one here cares anyway. Sometimes your boyfriend breaks up with you on New Year’s. Sometimes you expect New Year’s Eve to be crazy and wonderful, but instead you’re sitting alone in the kitchen at 12am eating a box of doughnuts.
I’ve never really been a pessimist though. I’ve always had the belief that things will work out just fine, and if they don’t, then it’s just a bump in the road. If you work hard to get what you want, then you’ll get it. I believe in luck and soul mates and happy endings. Life may not be perfect, but it’d be boring if it were. Despite all the optimism, there’s something about New Year’s that puts me on edge, bringing out the inner doubt in me.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never really considered New Year’s to be a huge turning point. For me, the only reminder that something has changed is remembering to write “2015” on my papers instead of “2014.” I don’t feel any different on January 1 than I did on December 31, just like how I don’t feel any older the day after my birthday. It’s just a day, but that day holds so many expectations. There’s articles all over the web: “Best Ways to Stick to Your Resolution!” “Healthy Recipes for New Year Weight Loss!” “Resolutions to Make for 2015!” “How to Make 2015 Your Year!”
It all tastes like BS to me. Why wait until January 1 to change? What makes that particular day so special? We read these articles, gain some semblance of motivation, and lose it a couple of hours, days, weeks, months later. We find that it’s June and the year’s already half over, and what have we accomplished so far? Our gym shoes have been pushed to the back of closet, we’ve stopped trying to be nice all the time because that’s just not feasible. We find that it’s December and the year’s basically over, and oh my where did it go because we haven’t done anything that we said we’d do.
Maybe New Year’s scares me because I’m scared I’m letting my life slip by. Maybe I feel like I should be making these unrealistic resolutions and sticking to them. Maybe I feel like there’s some aspect of myself I should change, something else I should put on my already full plate.
Maybe I’m scared that that’s what the end of my life will be like – December 31, realizing that I’ve done nothing I wanted to.
A few weeks ago, I moved from San Francisco to Dublin, bracing myself for rainier days, earlier sunsets, and fewer burritos. I didn’t prepare for the loneliness, though. Actually, I’m not sure loneliness is the right word. I’m looking for one that encompasses a discouraging medley of loneliness, uncertainty, and regret.
This feeling, whatever it’s called, exists in tandem with excitement. I’m truly excited to be here. I’ve never met friendlier people, most of whom seem comically unfazed by hangovers. Each day, my logical side nudges me to be patient – settling in takes time, after all. Soon, I tell myself, I’ll find people to share pints of Guinness with in the evenings and pints of Ben and Jerry’s with in the morning, while I work through my melodramatic hangovers. I’m excited for that.
But the lonely, uncertain, and regretful side of me – it’s there too. It’s there in waves, tying my stomach into knots right as my apartment door swings closed after work. I didn’t have to come here. I chose to. I wanted an adventure. It didn’t occur to me that the adventure wasn’t the moving part – how hard is it to get on a plane? The adventure would emerge as I began to build a life from scratch. And that’s an adventure I didn’t prepare for.
When I thought of moving abroad, I thought of the stories – the stories I’d live as I spent my evenings wining and dining and my weekends traveling and exploring. It’s pretty naive that I forgot that I’d have to find friends to make those stories with. And even more naive that I forgot about the inevitable silence that lingers between even the best stories.
At home, silence was wonderful. I lived for the quiet Saturday when I could wake up slowly, mosey around my neighbourhood, and zone out in a coffee shop with my headphones in. I could disappear from the world until I wanted to resurface, hours or even a day later.
Here, in my new home, silence is nauseating. I find myself thinking about the sounds of my old life, buzzing on as usual, eight hours and some 5,000 miles away. It unsettles me. Because with that realisation – that life in San Francisco is chugging on without me – comes premature nostalgia. Even though sunshine and sourdough and my old roommate haven’t suddenly evaporated, my San Francisco life has.
I’m not stupid. I realise it’s time to fill the silence, to stay out later and play music louder when I get home. To shamelessly befriend strangers and approach life with the unabashed enthusiasm of a college freshman. To do more, think less. But I’ve been holding out, because I know that the moment I throw myself into this new life, I’ll more definitively sever ties with my old one.
I say I’m lonely, uncertain, and regretful, but I think the word I’m looking for is dizzy. I’m dizzy because I’m in the midst of the disorienting chaos of true adventure. I know that, if I put down roots, I can steady myself. And then, once the world stops spinning, I’ll be ready to find my new rhythm out of the silence.
1. You’ve always been a back-to-basics kind of person.
Growing your own fruits and veggies or supporting the local farmer’s markets is extremely important to you. You prefer to make your own food, clothes, soap, or other things when you can and you like to take up little projects to learn how to become more self-sufficient in these areas. You like to put your extra time and energy to having a life filled with a little bit less of artificiality.
2. You take joy and fulfillment out old-fashioned activities.
You’ve probably been called an old soul before and this is because you get genuine enjoyment from simple moments in life that have been favorites of people for generations. You love exploring unknown landscapes, handwriting letters or little notes to people you care about, taking drives through old country roads. These are the types of things you get the most satisfaction from.
3. You’d rather make your own art than buy it.
You’re the kind of person who can take a canvas, a piece of wood, a photograph, or some other seemingly simple thing and turn it into something magnificent that truly reflects you and your style. This is how you love to decorate your home and give gifts – you just feel like it makes things more personal this way.
4. You feel disconnected with the way general society lives.
You don’t understand why people need multiple apps to find a suitable dating partner or why people spend 10 minutes trying to find the right filter for a picture of their latte or meal. You just can’t get into these modern habits and often get frustrated when it seems like you’re the only one at the table or at a social event who isn’t interested in spending half of the night on their phone.
5. You would rather live in a cabin or small house in a rural area than anywhere else.
You need to be surrounded by nature to feel truly fulfilled and happy in life. You have to be able to get lost from time to time in either the mountains, woods, or by the ocean. It’s the way you reconnect with the world and recharge. You can live in the city, sure, but being around so much noise and stimulation wears you out and leaves you feeling generally unsatisfied with life.
6. Cooking and hosting intimate events for people is how you show people you care.
Food = love to you. You’re always up for finding and learning new recipes you can experiment with so you can perfect them and later make them for friends and family. You enjoy making food from scratch when you have the time and this is one of your favorite ways to show people how much you love them.
7. You focus on trying to slow down the speed of life.
In a world of screens, instant gratification, and constant communication you try to limit the stimuli and slow things down a bit more. You’re attracted to growing your own plants or building a piece of artwork from scratch because you enjoy the process of watching something grow and come to fruition from a simple idea. It takes a greater deal of time to get to the end result and requires you to stay truly present in the moment, focusing on each detail and savoring every moment of the process.
8. You tend to distance yourself from moments of overstimulation.
You find yourself withdrawing when in large groups of people and you can’t enjoy loud, crowded places. A social setting that’s one-on-one in a small, intimate space is the best environment for you to open up to another person and connect on a deeper level.
9. You feel healthier when you get away from it all.
Getting away from it all meaning getting away from the buzz of the city, of people all around you, of being surrounded by screens and artificial displays of humanity. None of that seems quite real to you and you’re self-aware enough to know when it’s becoming detrimental to your mind, body, and soul. It’s when you find yourself alone amidst the trees, the remote countryside, or next to a body of water when you truly feel at peace with yourself and a sense of calm you can’t find anywhere else.
10. You’re more focused and productive in a rural setting.
There’s a reason writers and creative types retreat to rural areas to work on their art – it’s where they can focus and hone in on their craft. When you don’t have constant interruptions and that sense of urgency to respond to every little thing within a matter of moments your productivity increases. You realize the things in day-to-day life that are presented with a great deal of urgency aren’t actually that urgent at all and you’re better able to quiet the voice within you.
Firsts have a way of sparking realizations during an uncertain time. Doing something new can be downright scary but eye-opening. We are emboldened by our choices. Now, I am totally cool with the concept of being content; it’s seeing self-compromise as the highlight. It’s not just black and white – I used to seek highs to feel elated then come crashing down. The traditional definition of happiness is overrated; cheap thrills are temporary. Life’s journey is learning to be more even-keeled and starting to find joy in “suffering.” The relative downtimes were softened by little surprises. I carry full faith things will work as they should and always remember to look at the bigger picture. These are hard lessons learned:
Career Clarity
First and foremost, find yourself.
I had blinders on post-college, trying to climb the ladder of a job I enjoyed and was skilled at but more-so fell into. Every step was deliberate but perhaps more for ambition’s sake. Once I got to the height of filling in at the national anchor desk, I appreciated all the experience that prepped me for the moment to shine, but I sat there in a box, literally and figuratively. Now I’m reinventing, re-prioritizing and rediscovering interests and hobbies. I’m getting closer to finding deeper passion, carving out a creative outlet and tapping into the entrepreneurial spirit.
Accept so-called failure as success.
Also, ending up in the red is not an option. Freelancing is a hustle that sometimes feels freeing, often times frustrating. I don’t apologize anymore for being a professional amateur with several interests. Versatility is one of my greatest assets. When one becomes “successful,” the person is described as a quadruple threat.
Establish your voice.
With practice, I found my teaching style – in yoga and in journalism. I gave back as a broadcast mentor to the first media conference I attended eight years ago as a scholarship winner. Seeing and shaping future minds keeps me inspired.
Soul Searching
Take a leap of faith.
I bungee-jumped, knowing that the rope is not going to break, trusting that I will bounce back. On the hike up the cliff, I felt my grandfather’s spirit for the first time. I flew to foreign countries and crossed off a cross country road trip. I’m not afraid to write things down or check things off. However, I’m letting go of that bucket list pressure and the decade deadlines.
Stop being so selfish.
I began to only pray for others, find happiness (and not comparison or jealousy or self-doubt) in their success. Be more compassionate and know a negative reaction is not a reflection of you. Everybody’s going through something.
Establish honesty, integrity and authenticity as the best policy.
I published an e-book as a first-time author and remain true to my word and myself. I know what I like and don’t like and am not afraid to admit them. Don’t let others’ comments get to you. Judgment is laced with assumption.
Redefine Relationships
I got over my first, real, long-time significant other.
Being able to say someone name’s neutrally takes a lot of tears and time. It kind of did happen overnight. In between, I went on a lot of first dates. I opened myself to be vulnerable. I have a better understanding of what I want vs. need in the future.
Reach for the role model a different way.
Instead of trying to follow someone’s path step by step, make their losses and wins indirectly relatable. I continue to make a lot of first introductions in different fields that lead to fun coffee meetings. Don’t burden your existing friends, recognize help will more likely come from your second or third degree connections.
Learn to listen.
Staying silent/still is difficult, like meditation. Most people want to talk about themselves and get something off their chest. I still get distracted sometimes, but I find myself more present and engaged.
Get Physical
Go golden.
I went blonde for the first time, even streaked my hair pink. I let my exterior reflect how I felt inside, even if I don’t look corporate conservative anymore. It’s gotten me a bunch of hipster acting work.
Stop talking down to yourself and start listening to your body.
I now get why celebrities shout on magazine covers they feel best in their thirties! While I’ll indulge once in a while, I no longer crave salty or fried and feel a little queasy when overcome with a sugar rush. Get easier about having a bloated Buddha belly.
Get upside down.
Ask what is holding you back from a handstand? I’m at tripod and realize once you stop being engaged, that’s when you fall on your butt. As a recently certified yoga teacher, I see that balance is about trust:
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” – Albert Einstein
1. Cover letters and resumes really aren’t that hard to write:
If you have been productive during your high school and post high school years, a cover letter detailing why you are a good fit for the company isn’t really that hard to write. Neither is a resume. It’s just two pieces of paper filled with bullshit formalities, and I KNOW you have bullshitted essays in high school (psttt doing them three hours before it is due or pulling an all nighter).
The hard part is getting someone to read your cover letter and resume after it has been sent to the employer. The most depressing aspect about the job search, quite possibly, is spending hours perfecting your resume and cover letter only to have it never make it to the HR’s office (because the robot filter on the computer ruled your application out due to the lack of keywords matches).
*How to fix this? Aha, I’m still trying to figure this out, but not lying is important and the shorter the better seems to work these days:
2. Do not apply to everything just because you “need a job”:
This is like spreading your seeds like a dandelion. Really, you want to think quality over quantity. No employer or anyone for the matter of fact wants to actually read a cookie cutter resume and cover letter. If the employer won’t feel special after reading your cover letter, what makes you think that you “stood out” to them?
Be careful what you apply to. Don’t bullshit your resume and say you know how to program when you really only just learned the basics a couple weeks ago.
*How to fix this? Apply to jobs you are qualified for. If you just graduated college and looking for an entry level job, don’t apply to a job requiring professional experience. Apply to jobs you are trained to do from you previous jobs or internships!
3. Don’t expect six figure salaries:
There is no way in hell your Bachelor of Arts degree in Communication (Holla at anyone who is this major! Best major because it’s my major!) will make you six figures at your very first professional full time job. No way. Nope. Not even in two years.
*How to fix this? Start small! Start at entry level or if you’re possibly like me, start as an intern. You gotta start somewhere. I know some interns are unpaid, but you can start as an unpaid intern for six months, within a year become a paid intern, and then entry level. It works! It works!! You will meet many wonderful and professional people along the way who are willing to help you reach your goals!
4. If you want to change your field, do it now:
Yes, now is the time to change. I started out as a Communication major hoping to become an elementary school teacher. After interning in several elementary schools, I realized I don’t want to be an elementary school teacher. I love public speaking and writing and talking with people my own age, not with parents and small children and changing diapers.
*How to fix this? Find post college graduate internships in the field you want. I want to go into the entertainment field. I know, I have big dreams. I want to speak to people, so I am going to look for jobs in Public Relations! Hehe. I have huge dreams and I’m not giving up. My parents didn’t give up on me, neither did my friends, or the schools I have attended, and I am not going to give up on my dreams because I have come too far!
5. Have a very open and liberal mindset:
What I mean by this is, take for example, myself. I want to change career fields and somehow weasel my way into entertainment. But how do I do this with limited networking connections and experience? I start small. Maybe I could get a job at the lowest rung possible in the entertainment industry. Being an intern and running errands, data entry, and coffee runs. Hey, this might lead me to getting to know more people in the industry, and who knows? Ten years down the road, look out world, I’m going to have my own reality TV Show like the Kardashians, and I am just kidding my dreams are huge.
*How to fix this? I know it is scary to start out as an unpaid intern. Everyone needs money to pay rent and food and internet bills and such, but if your dreams are there, if you are serious about becoming a famous television personality or whatever your heart desires, you need to take the steps and be open.
6. The world is not on your side:
It’s you against the world. There is lots of competition. Everyone wants the exact same thing you want. And through the midst of it all, you have to prove that you are the one and you are the best one. You can have all the connections in the world or none at all, there’s no right way to making your dreams come true.
*How to fix this? You just keep doing you. Don’t brag about your experiences, show them! Just always remember, “There is no one in the world quite like you!” You are irreplaceable, you are beautiful, and your personality is like sparkling bubbling champagne on New Year’s Eve.
7. Don’t get hung up on a job:
There are companies out there that so many of us dying to work for. Example: Google. But no matter how many applications I send to Google, I am never going to get an interview, let alone a job there. I have not given up, I’m just stating the facts. If I wallow in my sorrows of spending hours on an application to send to Google and never hearing back, I’m just going to be a sad pear for the rest of my life.
*How to fix this? Move the f*** on. Just move on! Hello, if they don’t care much about your awesome resume and cover letter now, why do you think they will care later? There are so many wonderful companies out there that love you and want you to work for them, and you are just going to be sad and cry about your application that never got to HR because, again, it got filtered out by the robot computer filter due to the lack of keyword compatibility? Please. Ain’t nobody got time.
8. There are some people that just have it goin’ on for them:
Come on, we all know that one friend who applies to 10 jobs, gets offers from 9 of them and the one he/she didn’t get an offer from was because his/her dad wasn’t the CEO of the company (plus he/she didn’t want it anyways so he/she half assed the application). El oh el. Look at me here applying to 20 jobs, gets 1 interview, bombs said interview, and now is unemployed and writing about my unfruitful job search.
*How to fix this? First you say, “F*** you! So unfair!” Then you stop comparing yourself to whoever has it going on for them, eat some ice cream, and NOT GIVE UP. The moment you give up is the moment you have failed your dreams. I don’t care how old you are, everyone has dreams. Everyone needs money to live, and we all know in this age and time, no one is going to live off the land, so don’t even try and weasel that idea into my mind, friend-that-is-trying-to-make-me-feel-better!
9. Appearance matters, but so do brains:
Hey, have you ever wondered why the pretty people get the jobs? Or why the news anchor is always an attractive man or women who you wouldn’t mind taking home with you? It’s because in the real world, appearance matters. It’s pretty sad to admit to, but that’s how the world works. But the catch here is, you NEED to have brains and knowledge and speak like a smart ass. I’m not telling anyone to go out and get plastic surgery to cover your flaws, hell, I have so many flaws, 10 finger ain’t enough to count them! But you do need to take care of your appearance. You also need to not talk like an airhead. Know what you are talking about, have evidence, be serious, and don’t exaggerate.
*How to fix this? Get plastic surgery. Naw, I am totally kidding. But, do put on makeup if you need it or want it. Do try and wear clothes that fit you. Do speak intelligently. But, be true to yourself and don’t change yourself for a career or others.
10. Your undergraduate major doesn’t really matter:
To be 10000000% honest, unless you are going into an engineering field or some very ridiculously specific and analytical field, your undergraduate major doesn’t matter. If you put in the effort and know what you are talking about, you’re fine. I learned this the hard way. During my first three years of college, I over analyzed what I should major in, how high I could get my GPA to be, what careers I could get with my major…etc
But all in all, it’s the experiences that matter most. *How to fix this? Get the experience! Internships, jobs, volunteering…etc whatever. It’s the skills you take away with you. It’s the skills you learn. It’s your flexibility and organization skills that matter. It’s the fact that you can communication with your co workers and supervisors efficiently that matter.
So go out in the world,
I believe in you. I believe in your dreams (and my own dreams that seem so far away and unattainable at the moment). I will always be here when you need me. I support you. You can do it! Listen to yourself, listen to Katy Perry and hear me ROARRRRRRR!
2. I’m that one person in a large group who you will notice after two hours and ask, “Why are you so quiet? Is something wrong?” And I’ll say something like, “No, I’m okay,” and the rest of the group will go on with their chit chat and small talk.
3. When it comes to serious meetings, I will say what I need to say, and contribute what I can, but when it comes to casual conversations — even with my own groups of friends — I am normally just the listener.
4. But when I do speak, it will come out in unsure, measured phrases — too careful not to say too much for fear of boring anyone; too scared and sensitive to see bored, uninterested eyes.
5. Before cracking a joke, I’ll often think to myself, “Oh, they don’t need to hear that. It really isn’t that funny.” But what I’m really thinking is: “If it came from someone else, it would be hilarious.”
6. I may not say much, but I pretty much laugh at everything, and people constantly ask me why I’m always smiling or why I basically laugh at almost anything. To certain people, I tell them the truth: that half of the time, my laughs are usually just polite giggles, and to this they reply, “So you’re just faking it?” And that hurts me.
7. I smile and laugh because I want you to feel like there is someone in the group who is actually listening and who is actually interested in what you have to say. You should know how hurtful and discouraging it is to continue speaking to a group of people who look like they’re just waiting for you to finish so they can get on with their lives.
8. On the one hand, along with not saying much, comes not prying at all. I won’t force the truth out of you, I won’t make you tell me your secrets, and I won’t ask you to tell me something I can so obviously see you’re uncomfortable talking about.
9. On the other hand, I rarely ever start conversations, be it via text messages, social media or in person. This is something I’m working on because as it only makes people feel like I don’t want to keep in touch, when the truth is usually quite the opposite.
10. Call me a basic 21st century girl, but I love talking to people via social media. If it isn’t already obvious, I am a very guarded person. So when it comes to chatting online, I’m in heaven: you can’t see me, you can’t see how your tiniest of jokes can make me laugh out loud alone in my room, and you can’t see how your slightly rude remark makes me recoil from my keyboard. I’m able to feel comfortable and even vulnerable for at least a few minutes.
11. And vice versa. I can’t see you, I can’t see how uninterested you are about how my day went, I can’t see you not laughing at my jokes which I think are hilarious, and I can’t see that you’re infinitely more interested in talking with someone else.
12. So I make jokes, I will tell you about my day, and I will be fine. I know how easy it is to fake interest without face-to-face interaction, but if you’re good at it, I will be fine.
I usually am.
Until I’m not.
But you won’t know, because I’m going to smile, laugh, and say, “No really — I’m okay”.
“It” can be anything, but it’s something that we’re not compelled to do now. And we don’t have to! The task at hand is something that dwells in the vague future, and without definition of the immediate, it fades and feigns from action.
But what if you wanted to get it done?
Then you would.
It’s simple, right? Procrastination is about motivation, or lack thereof. Now, I don’t mean you should reward yourself every time you solve a problem — that sets a dangerous personal precedent — but you should take some time to savor the accomplishments reaped from fighting procrastination. Check your task off! Enjoy the hard earned spoils that naturally appear after doing what you’re supposed to. Soon, you’ll train your body to recognize relief, pride, and a happy vibe of accomplishment as the result of getting to business.
Subtly, quietly, you’ll be more eager to embrace that.
2. Mark A Plan (Even If You Cancel It)
It’s harder to procrastinate with calendars and planners.
You still can, of course — I do an admirable job of it, after all. But if you keep yourself accountable, even lightly, you’ll find a slight gravity nudging you to the task at hand.
Knowing you have a list that says something means there’s evidence, and, begrudging or otherwise, you have a hint of an external incentive nagging you.
It’s okay if you cancel your plans. Just keep making them. And, eventually, you’ll find yourself fed up. The visual, tangible proof of your procrastination will itch its way to help you change.
3. Take Account Of What Needs To Be Done
Procrastination often is subtly paired with ignorance.
I procrastinate cleaning my room because I forget. Because it’s always dirty and I’m used to it, even as it slowly creeps up to the unacceptable.
Similarly, many things simply don’t occur to me. Groceries and other errands are all retroactive to me; I should’ve gotten eggs, shampoo, toothpaste, but I’ve forgotten. Those chores in the past tense. And, as I scrounge to borrow from my room-mates, I find myself again in a pattern of lingering failure.
But, because it lingers, it becomes a routine. You adapt to the pattern you’ve stumbled into.
So, take some diligence and take account of what you have to do. Make a plan for them, even a plan you’ll cancel, and mark your attempts as successes in and of themselves.
Every success starts with a conscious effort. Be diligent and aware, and it’ll be harder to procrastinate. Plus, the more you have to do, the easier it can be to procrastinate with something else productive. Not in the vibe to start working? Call your family, like you said you would. Not ready to call Grandma? Clean your room. Not down to clean your room? Get to that math homework, unless you want to do that reading, but didn’t you want to hit the gym today…
Any of those would be productive. And, when you list them out, the easier it is to procrastinate something with something else successful.
It’s kind of the best.
4. Bring New Eyes To Your Habits
Habit is a powerful thing.
Where are you losing money or time? What inefficiencies are leaking out your energy?
Take a moment to examine where you’re getting your lunches, your drinks, and how you leave your room on the daily. How’s your grocery shopping game? How’s your list-hustle?
When you make an active choice to watch how you waste time, you’ll be able to recalibrate your habits.
Take account of the thing you take for granted, and peek at your life with new eyes. You might find hiccups and habits that you never knew; like how one Netflix episode turns into another, or how you actually spent two hours on social media when you said “two minutes.”
Some people never take new eyes to habits out of fear or embarrassment. Don’t be one of them. Accept that this is a problem a lot of people have, and even though facing those problems can be more difficult than living around them, the first is far more useful.
Each problem or bad habit you discover is a new opportunity.
Challenging your habits takes a moment of initiative, but is often the easiest way to find quick ways to improve.
5. Prioritize
Procrastination is hard work.
Why not make it easier on yourself and quit?
Really! I’m not being sarcastic. If there’s some dragging, small and annoying chore, don’t let it take real estate in your head. It takes time, effort, energy and anxiety to successfully put off an unpleasant task. And, if you’re really not going to do it, you should quit now.
If you’re as lazy as you always feared you were, you at least owe yourself the efficiency of finality.
If something is causing you a lot of procrastination and angst, cut it out. Say “no” and move on. Life is too short to procrastinate annoying, small chores – when you have the chance to drop them, do it.
Take a moment and find the things you can quit. Savor the joy of letting them go.
And as for the ones you really do have to do? You just cleaned out some mental room to refocus on them. Look at you! Efficiency through giving up. What a country.
6. Streamline
No internet and no phone while you work. Get it done.
Sure, it’s not that easy. You’ll itch for them and besides, you’ll still distract yourself. You’ll need to Google something or take a walk or get a snack or…
Fine. Okay. But by narrowing the range of distractions you have, the shorter your distractions will be.
Take it from an expert in procrastination; work goes a lot better when you have fewer distractions. At the very least, turn your phone to “do not disturb” mode. It’ll help give you a productive mentality that you shouldn’t be disturbed.
Freedom can lead to distraction. Streamline yourself and watch your productivity rise to match your limits.
7. Just Do It
You know that thing you thought of a third of the way through this article?
While it’s been a year of good and bad news, it’s also been a year of people screwing up live on the air in hilarious ways and dropping the F bomb left and right and for that we should all be thankful. 3:11 for Mike Tyson nearly ripping a reporter’s head off but settling for calling him a “rat piece of sh*t.”
Sig Nordal 