Can you recall the last time you got “triggered?”

Perhaps it was a throwaway line by a colleague, the sudden changed reaction of someone you were in a conversation with or the family member who appears to be forever taking a swipe?

From being your calm even self, within seconds your physiology had been activated almost as if there was a sabre-tooth tiger in the room!

The neutrality of the conversation gone, thinking powers subdued and red lights flashing, a full throttle fight or flight had now taken over command.

And this you did with great flair, style and aplomb!

The only thing was that there was NO tiger present and you realized afterwards that you had over-reacted.

Needless to say, that particular conversation took a dive and the relationship now needs tending to.

Well – the good news is that you are not alone here.

We have all done this, haven’t we and realized afterwards that our interpretation of what happened was quite off-mark.

Simply put – we got triggered.

Triggers are Our Ammunition

Here’s the thing though – whenever we get triggered and hijacked by our strong, unexpected reaction  – it is a giveaway sign that there is a hidden barrier waiting for us to breakthrough with!

Our triggers are our ammunition for where we need to move beyond any earlier conditioning or beliefs about how we view certain things.

Unless we become more conscious of our triggers, we are more likely to do this:

1) Be on Automatic Pilot

We immediately become reactive when our ‘triggers’ get activated.  Carl Jung – the gifted grandfather of psychology referred to these as our ‘complexes.’  Typically, our reactions will be way beyond proportion to any intended message.

2) Emotional Eruption

We then get upset, angry, accusatory of the other person of how they have done “x,y,z”.  Even if the other party’s intent was not one to provoke you, being at the receiving end of your eruption, they may also get provoked.

3) Combat Zone

Now you are both in the boxing ring and the conversation has veered off where neither of you started. You are both in a combative mode with blows flying willy-nilly.

But it no longer needs to be this way!

Here are seven things you can do

The following actions will not only help you recognize, and understand your trigger but it will help you to keep your cool when you do get triggered.

It will give you a breather to respond in a better way and even save your relationship!

1) Know what and who your triggers are

We all have some things or certain people who trigger us more often than others.  Be mindful of these before you enter a situation with them.

For example, it could that family member who has a certain way of saying things, which just gets under your skin.  Or it could be when a staff member or colleague continues to do something that you have already had a discussion about.

Knowing this enables you to be forearmed and not being surprised each time, every time.

2) Become aware when you get triggered

This step is not too hard to miss, as you will notice changes in your body, mind and mood.  For example, you will notice the heart starts beating faster, you are sweating, your feel tension in the mind or body and suddenly your mood has changed from neutral to anger, flatness, or hurt.

Being self aware in this way then enables you to self manage better both of which are important skills of emotional intelligence.

3) Name your thoughts, feelings and reaction without making the other person the cause

Too often we go straight for the jugular and hold the other person responsible along the lines of, “Look what you have done now/or made me feel.”  Getting angry, shouting, screaming, calling names, snarling, make biting comments or other passive aggressive behaviours

Notice and own your feelings as your reaction. Take ownership – it gives you more power and options to come out on top.

Self-control is another dimension of being emotionally intelligent.

4) Breathe

A good way of keeping your cool is to become aware of your breath.  Focusing on your breath for the next few seconds will help your calm yourself and regain your composure.

It is a good way of buying time so you will be able to better respond, not react.  As Steven Covey has said, it is creating that gap between stimulus and response, which enables us to not be reactive.

5) Look at the context/bigger picture you are in

Remind yourself of the bigger picture of whatever situation you are in.

For example, in a project team, the inappropriate response of another colleague could perhaps be forgiven considering they are normally pretty on to it but are super stretched this time or a family member who has perhaps lost a job recently.

This allows us to have a bit more compassion and be kinder than our own ‘triggered’ first response taking precedence.

6) Take time out

In conflict situations, one thing we don’t do enough of is to remove ourselves and take time out.

Likewise, in situations we get triggered, it is not always easy to control our feelings and the best thing you can do is to say that you need some time out and take leave.

You can re-engage once you have gathered yourself.

Remember, our triggers may be a conditioned response to an earlier beliefs or situation which may no longer be appropriate or relevant.  Be prepared to challenge yourself on this as growth is just on the other side!

7) Reflect afterwards noting what you might do differently

Whatever you have done, review afterwards and identify what went well, what didn’t go so well and what you might do differently next time.

And remember to congratulate yourself for taking a step back, managing an old trigger and coming out on top!

Bringing it all together

As neuroscience has found, our neuronal pathways respond
in known ways.  The brain loves to take short cuts with the least amount of expenditure of energy.

Changing behavior patterns require a whole lot of
intention, attention and repetition.  But this can be done.

New neuronal pathways can be created. As has been said, “neurons that wire together, fire together”

So over to you now!

What has been your key takeout from this article, which you could put into practice next time you are triggered?

The post How To Be More In Control Of Your Stressors And Keep Your Cool appeared first on Change your thoughts.

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Addiction comes in many forms, not just chemicals and alcohol but we can also become addicted to people too. This may sound ridiculous to some but unfortunately, it’s a sad and real truth. Co dependency is a very serious and toxic behaviour but if you know someone who shows signs of this, understand that they may not be aware of their addiction or they are and feel that can’t help themselves.

Contrary to what we all think, not all addictions are bad.  Being addicted to the smell of fresh brewing coffee or flowers is a fun and wonderful addiction. However, keep in mind that the majority of addictions definitely are toxic, and being addicted to your partner is no different or less toxic. It is still an addiction that should be and can be helped. So how can we tell if we or someone close to us is addicted their partners? Here are a few signs; see if you recognize any of them.

1. Separation anxiety.

If they have to go out of town for a day, weekend or heaven forbid longer than a week and you feel a very sickening feeling of anxiety, you could be addicted to your partner. Many of us don’t like to be away from our partners, obviously because we love them and we would miss them but when the feeling is much more than that and it borderlines on physical illness, then something is not right. Could be you are addicted and the feeling of not being around them causes great separation anxiety.

2. Joined at the hip.

You need to be with them every minute and every hour of the day when they are at home.  There is a sense of security for you knowing that they are right there beside you. It’s almost like a blanket for you. A comfort blanket. But it’s more than that. You need to have that blanket around you all the time.  You feel lost, empty and naked without it.

3. You start picking up all their habits and traits.

I get that it’s pretty common to pick up some of your partner’s traits and habits the longer we have been with them, but there is a fine line between picking them up without even realizing it and picking them up because you want to be like them. You may adore them and the ground they walk on but being like them or wanting to desperately be like them is not a healthy thing. Be like you instead. No body does it better.

4. Spend money on them to keep them around.

Yes, you are buying their love. Many people do this. actually so many people that it’s more common than not. When we start spending all our money on them to keep them around, you are now paying for an addiction, for love, for company. If someone wants to be with you, you shouldn’t have to be paying for their attention or love. For some, doing this is their attempt at buying companionship so they aren’t alone.

5. Constantly seeking approval from them.

You need their approval for everything. Suddenly it seems you can’t make a decision without their approval or their final say. You have slipped into a zone where your self confidence has plummeted to an all time low and need constant approval and reassurance from your partner for everything. You lack enough confidence in yourself and feel that if you have their approval for everything that they will love you more, respect you more or want to be with you more. All of that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

6. You’ll do anything to keep them.

Anything. Lie, cheat, borrow, beg, steal, pay, whatever. You are so fearful of losing them that you will even jeopardize your values, integrity and self worth to keep them. It’s that whole being alone is a scary thing that has you doing just about anything so as to not be alone. Too often, many of us do this, just about anything, to keep a partner. That is partner addiction and not a good one at all.

Being addicted to your partner is never a good thing. so many of us lack self worth so we seek it in others. You must find it and grow it in yourself first.  Having someone to love and love us back is a beautiful thing but not at the expense of your self. Take the time necessary to find out who you are and love yourself first. The rest will fall into place nicely.

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We try to treat ourselves as best we can. Some of us do anyway. Some of us treat animals better than we treat ourselves. We often forget our own self worth. We don’t take the time to do nice things for ourselves or we don’t give ourselves enough credit for the great person that we are. Whatever the case, there are certain things we definitely need to stop doing to ourselves so we can be happier.

Many of us don’t even realize we are sabotaging ourselves as we have been doing this for so long, it’s almost normal now. Well it’s not normal and here is a small list of things you need to stop doing now.

1. Doubting yourself.

Don’t do that. You are better, smarter and more magnificent than you give yourself credit for. If you are constantly doubting yourself, you will never go after any dreams or goals you have.

2. Talking bad about yourself.

You say it all the time, oh that was so stupid of me or how dumb am I? Your mind hears you say these things all the time and eventually it will start believing them, if it hasn’t already. Start telling yourself awesome things about you.

3. No time for you.

You spend all the hours in the day pleasing everyone else and at the end of the day, there’s no time for you. Stop spreading yourself thin and not leaving any time for you in your day. You are just as important, if not more, as everyone else. Make time for you.

4. Being jealous of others.

Jealousy will eat you alive. Stop being jealous of people. When you are jealous of others, you are not giving yourself enough credit for your skills and talents. You are just as great, maybe even better, than anyone else at what you can do. We are not here to compete. You are great, just like everybody else.

5. Working too hard or too much.

Work work work. Is that the story of your life? What about your life? Are you taking time to enjoy it? Your brain and your body nee d to time to decompress and step away from work mode and into leisure and relax mode. You owe it to yourself to do this, nurture yourself.

6. Worrying.

We like to worry and I never could figure this out. We worry about things that haven’t even happened and maybe might not ever happen. We stress out over things that we make up in our own heads. Stop doing this. This is torment for your brain. Feed your brain good things, not toxic things.

7. Being lazy.

Procrastination and laziness go hand in hand. We will put it off until tomorrow because we don’t feel like doing it today. Usually it is fear that is holding you back from anything. Stop procrastinating and slipping into lazy mode. Get off your arse and go live life. Get stuff done. Tomorrow might not come.

8. Feeling sorry for yourself.

There is no time for long drawn out pity parties. Deal with whatever happened and move on. Don’t get stuck in woe is me mode. You may have a heck of a time getting out of it. Whatever happened, come to terms with why and then let it go. You have a life to live now, not yesterday’s life.

9. Blaming yourself.

Not everything is your fault all the time. You didn’t fail at anything.  Not everything is going to go your way either. Things happen for various reasons and usually none of them are your fault. Accept what happened, and let it go. If you were at fault, admit and move on. What’s done is done. And it’s done.

10. Playing the victim.

It was wrong. They did you wrong, the system is wrong, they hurt you, bad stuff always happens to you. Ok we get it, that’s enough. the more you talk about it, the worse stuff will happen to you. start talking about good stuff now. Start sharing happy times and put all the victimhood issues aside. That was yesterday, this is today. Start fresh.

We all desperately want happy lives but many of us are still stuck in the wrongs from yesterday. It’s time to let that go and move into today and look forward to a brighter tomorrow. It’s there for those who seek it.

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You finally found the woman of your dreams. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a woman and then some.  She’s smart, confident, kind, beautiful inside and out, she’s simply the whole package. And she’s strong. Very strong. You wanted a strong woman though, right? So now that you have a strong woman, the question is not only can you handle her but do you know what drives her and what drives her crazy?

The strong woman wasn’t born like that. More than likely she had to put up with a lot of shit in her life that made her strong. At this point in her life, for as far as she has come, there are things she appreciates and some things she simply won’t stand for in a relationship. I’m fortunate enough to have married a strong woman and I know from experience, she will not put up with any of this.

1. Laziness.

If you have no ambition or very little desire to push further in your career and or life in general, you probably won’t keep her very long. She likes a man with drive. Personal and professional. Always pushing the envelope, what can we achieve next? That’s her kind of man. Oh, and if you are lazy around the house too, chances are she’ll be gone before you know it.

2. Complaining.

About anything really. Strong people in general have worked hard to get to where they are now and appreciate what they have and are very grateful for their accomplishments. If you are too busy complaining about every little thing in your life, then she won’t have time or the desire to put up with that.

3. Jealousy.

She has no place or room for jealousy in her life. Life isn’t a competition between anybody. We are all in this together and she wants everyone to succeed and be happy. She’ll even lend a helping hand if she can. She gives you no reason to be jealous and she will not show jealousy towards you. If you can’t do the same, she has no room in her life for you either.

4. Controlling.

If you want to control her, you got the wrong girl. She will not be controlled or told what to do, how to do it or when. She’s a free spirit and a determined lady. She knows what she wants and she won’t let anyone tell her differently or keep her from living her life. Chances are she’s been controlled in the past and will not put up with that behaviour ever again. If you are looking for someone to control, wrong girl.

5. Lying, cheating or any other kind of deceit.

If that’s your thing, move on. She is honest to a fault and absolutely expects and demands the same in her partner. You can’t build a relationship on a shaky foundation and she will not tolerate betrayal of any kind. First lie, you’re done. There will be no second chances, ever. White lies too.

6. Selfishness.

Forget it. She is a kind and caring soul and will often put others before herself. She thinks of other’s feelings before she will do or say anything. If you only think of yourself and your needs, then you are with the wrong person. There is a time and place to be selfish, especially when we are caring for ourselves, but it doesn’t come at the expense of others.

7. Manipulation.

If you want something come out and say it, if you don’t like something, come out and say it, don’t play games with her mind. Not only will she catch on immediately but she will put a stop to it, all of it, asap. She doesn’t have time for mind games or manipulation. Those are bully tactics and she has no room in her life for a bully.

8. Ego based.

If your ego is bigger than the doorway she’ll let you know and put you in your place. You are not better than anyone else and she’ll be the first to tell you. People are people and we are all equals. She is adamant about that and has no qualms about telling people that. Check your ego at the door.

9. Judgemental.

No judging allowed. See #8. People are people and we are all in this together. The rich, the poor, the homeless, the middle class. Everyone gets treated the same. She will treat the CEO and the homeless guy on the street corner the same, with respect. Judging is for arseholes and she has no room in her life for one.

10. Unsupportive.

If she has plans and dreams and goals, she would like 100% support from her partner with regards to those and she in turn will give you 100% support back. She likes team work. A relationship is a partnership. Equals. mutual respect, trust, love and support.

If you see yourself in here anywhere, the strong woman isn’t for you. If none of these apply, then this might be a match made in heaven.

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Turning 30 is a big milestone for most people. Whether you dread it or look forward to it is totally up to you. The choices that you make in your twenties and the habits that you nurture and perfect will greatly influence your life as you step into your thirties.

When we look at some of the most successful people today, it becomes apparent that they devoted their twenties to developing and molding themselves to become the successful individuals that they are at present.

Here are eight habits that will help you achieve success in your chosen field. Just make sure you cultivate these habits in your twenties, so that they become an integral part of you by the time you turn thirty.

Build Your Professional Network

Networking is the name of the game. No matter which field you are in, be it science and technology or banking and finance, your networking skills will take you places. It is all about making the right connections.

Ronald Burt, Professor of Sociology and Strategy at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, has spent years studying how social networks help create competitive advantage in peoples’ careers. One of his firm beliefs is that instead of better glasses, networks give people better eyes. Networks help people better themselves, providing them with opportunities to interact with their peers and seniors and learning and growing from their experiences.

While social media and professional networking platforms like LinkedIn have made it easier to connect with other professionals and industry gurus on a basic level, making a much more significant connection goes beyond adding someone on LinkedIn.

Learn To Strike A Good Work/Life Balance

Yes, you need to work hard and push yourself to be the best you can at what you do. But remember that you also need to maintain a good work/life balance. Many young professionals who are driven and focused in their early career burnout before they even reach their mid-thirties. Not surprising when you consider the long hours and late nights that they put in, sacrificing their personal lives.

Co-founder of Twitter and Medium, Evan Williams, is a strong advocate of good work/life balance. In fact, he lists it as one of the essential ingredients in his formula for entrepreneurial success. “Take care of yourself. When you don’t sleep, eat crap, don’t exercise, and are living off adrenaline for too long, your performance suffers. Your decisions suffer. Your company suffers.”

Learn To Take Risks

The fear of failure can be so potent that before you know it, you are in your thirties with an average life, a safe job, and no great memories to look back on. Whether your risk pays off or not is secondary. What really matters is overcoming the fear and taking the risk.

Peter Drucker, management-consultant and author, whose writings are the bible of the modern business world believes that behind every successful business, there’s someone who once made a courageous decision.

Embrace Your Failures

Most of us love to celebrate our success, retelling our struggles about how much we had to go through to succeed. But our attitude to failure is entirely different. Most of us shy away from failure, trying to quickly forget any time we fail and move on. But what we need to remember is that while success is sweet, failure is the catalyst that will propel us toward success. Failure teaches us so many valuable lessons. Every time you fail, you gain experience.

As clichéd as it might sound, failure really is the stepping stones to success. Founder and CEO of GoPro, Nick Woodman, did not have an easy start in the business world. He failed twice, with two of his startups sinking without a trace. But instead of letting those failures run him down, Nick chose to learn from his experiences. He worked twice as hard to make sure that his next startup, GoPro, succeeded. He was so scared of failing again that he was totally committed to succeeding. His fear of failure is what fueled his drive to succeed. GoPro went on to become a huge success, making him one of the youngest billionaires in the world.

Surround Yourself With Good People

Surround yourself with good people who have a positive outlook in life. Being around negative people or those who constantly criticize and doubt you can take its toll on your confidence. You do not want to be around people like that, people who would stifle your growth and stop you from becoming a better person.

Niklas Zennstrom, founder of Skype strongly believes that surrounding yourself with good people is of paramount importance. According to him, it’s more important to have smart people who really believe in what you’re doing than really experienced people who may not share your dream.

Build A Nest Egg For The Future

It’s never too early to start saving. No matter what you make in your job, you need to make it a point to put away some of it, even if that ‘some’ is very little. Building your nest egg will help you in the long run. A little bit saved here and there can make a huge difference to your bank account. Start saving, not tomorrow, not next week, but today.

Learn To Say No

The ability to say no is very crucial for both your personal and professional life. If you don’t learn to say no, you will quickly find yourself working on sideline projects that others have no interest in. In order to progress in your career and be taken seriously, you need to learn to put your foot down and say no when needed.

This also applies to your personal life. Unless you learn to be firm and say no, you will soon find out that even friends and family tend to treat you like a pushover.

Warren Buffet, the billionaire business mogul, believes that in order to be a very successful person, one needs to learn to say ‘’no’’ to almost everything. Realizing that your time is precious and not just giving it away to everyone is the best thing that you can do for yourself. So learn to use your time wisely and efficiently.

Learn To Grab Opportunities

In her book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg writes, “There is no perfect fit when you’re looking for the next big thing to do. You have to take opportunities and make an opportunity fit for you, rather than the other way around. The ability to learn is the most important quality a leader can have.”

While having a defined path and following it can be a good thing, there will come times in your life where you will have to grab an opportunity, even if it means going out of your comfort zone. You cannot map out your entire career path. Trying to follow a rigid route and ignoring opportunities that come your way just because they don’t fit into your plans will stunt your growth. You need to learn to be an opportunist who makes the most of what life throws your way.

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We’ve all been there and we all go through this. The emotional crash. The big dump. We have put up with more than we can handle and we are pretty sure we can’t take much more. The whole world can just disappear, any day now, and you’d be a happy person. You wish everyone and everything would just go away or, at the very least, leave you alone for a day, a week maybe even a month.

Emotional crashes are hard. We aren’t sure when things will get better or when we can smile and breathe easy again. No one likes them, you can’t avoid them, no matter how hard you try and just wish there was an easy way to get through it or even a magic pill you could take that will make everything be better in an instant. Well short of taking mind altering drugs which I would never recommend, there are a few things you can do and say to yourself to help you get through this dreadful period.

1. It’s ok to cry.

Many of us try to be strong for our friends, family or whoever is involved in whatever situation happening at the moment, but fact of the matter is, even strong people need to stop, break down and cry. We can’t expect to be strong 100% of the time. If you need to lock yourself in the bathroom, go up to the top of a mountain and scream or call a friend and grab a shoulder to cry on, do it. Releasing all that pent up emotion is good for you. Remind yourself it’s ok to cry.

2. Your friends really do want you to call them.

We don’t want to bother anyone right? Jane has enough problems of her own she certainly doesn’t need to hear mine. No one wants to listen to me cry about my problems. All that is wrong. Your friends care about you and always want you to reach out to them when you need them. They would be sad or hurt if you didn’t. If they don’t want you to reach out then they aren’t true friends. It’s ok to call your friends. They want you to.

3. I need a break.

Yes, you do and you need to give yourself permission to take one. The world will still go on without you; people will figure stuff out on their own. You don’t have all the answers to all the problems and it’s time you stopped acting like you did. You aren’t a made of steel. You are a human with feelings and a breaking point. Stop and give yourself a break, before you break.

4. You did the best you could.

There is nothing left for you to do. You did whatever you could with what you know and have. Be proud of yourself for at least that much. Most people would have stopped a long time ago but you didn’t. You persevered and kept going until you just couldn’t anymore.  Good for you, good job. Tell yourself you did a good job and the rest will just work itself out.

5. Things will be better tomorrow.

I know cliché but it’s true. Tomorrow is a new day, with a fresh start, a fresh mind and maybe even more optimistic. Things will be better. You can’t do anymore today and you need to rest. Know that you did the best, it’s time to let it be, and tomorrow things will start looking up. Keep telling yourself and you will believe it. Tomorrow is a new and better day.

6. Everything is temporary.

Even your emotions. You may be drained right now and probably have been for a while now but it will end. It will all end soon. Things will get better and in 6 months or a year from now you can look back on this period and pride yourself on how managed to overcome it and see how much stronger you are for it today.

So many things come hurtling at us from all angles and it seems all at the same time. Things will work themselves out, and things will get better. Have faith. This too shall pass.

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It’s so easy to fall into a self doubt trap. We doubt our ability as parents, employees, bosses and many other things. Many of us carry that niggling feeling that we might be doing something wrong, maybe we’re not cut out for this, maybe we’re not smart enough to handle this job. Never giving ourselves enough credit for just being ourselves. Where did our self confidence go and we can ever get it back? Some of us have never even had the taste of self confidence and wouldn’t know how to go about getting some. There are definitely ways to turn self doubt into self confidence.

Self doubt or limiting beliefs often stems from something from our past. It could have been the way we were raised or the way an ex wife or husband treated us. It might have even been carried over from elementary school if you were bullied as a child growing up. Whatever the case may be, you have plenty of self doubt and here is a small list of ways to turn that into self confidence.

1. They don’t really know you.

Remember that. The people from school that bullied you or maybe your boss or coworker who don’t think you are smart enough or good enough. They have no idea who you are, what’s inside of you and what you are capable of. You are brilliant and extremely smart. Anything they ever said to cut you down was their perception of you and none of that matters. Their opinions, perceptions or judgement of you is simply a reflection of them. Don’t forget that. You are far better than that and you already know that.

2. Remind yourself that you can handle and do anything.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit for our skills and talents and we are constantly fearing failure. You won’t fail. You won’t ever fail at anything. Failure is never an option. You will try, you will give it your best shot and you will either succeed or learn. Either way, you win. Trying or doing anything new is scary even for the bravest and smartest person in the world, but they still do it. That’s how you grow.

3. Just do it.

Whatever it is that is gnawing at you that is scaring you or holding you back from doing something, you need to face it, take a big deep breath and just go. Do it. Stepping out of our comfort zones and doing things is a very scary thing and because for so many years we have been led to believe that we can’t do anything, when we finally decided we want to do something, those old voices pop up in our heads. Shut them up and go do that thing.

4. Mirror work and talk.

This one is awkward, silly but fun. Go look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how incredibly amazing you are and how great you are at doing anything and everything. It is up to you to convince yourself of how awesomely talented you are. You aren’t here to impress anybody but yourself. Life isn’t a competition. It’s you against you, so you need to tell you how fantastic you are.

5. A reward awaits you.

Ah the great reward. Who doesn’t want one? Remember when you finally overcome self doubt and achieve a level of self confidence you will do things you once thought you never could. The result? A great reward. A great pat on the back. A fantastic level of accomplishment unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. Self confidence has its own rewards and they are all centred around the self. Way to go you, you did it.

Shutting down limiting beliefs is not an easy thing to do and many of us do require the help of a professional to get over this. However, you need to do it, whatever it takes, the rewards of letting go of limiting beliefs is wonderful. You will reach a whole new level of amazing and the sky will then be the limit.

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Yes you read it correctly; it’s okay to lose people in your life. Many people however, think the opposite. When a relationship is about to end between us and someone we care about, we often make an attempt to do everything we can to make sure that person will stay in our lives. It may be our partner, a good friend, a family member or whoever we feel close connected with.

Although it’s a noble action to fight for someone, it isn’t always the best thing for us to do. When we fight for someone to keep them part of our lives we often think with our hearts instead of our brains. We react based on our emotions and that often leads to neglecting the reasons on why it’s perhaps necessary to let go of these people. There are good reasons on why we shouldn’t feel bad to cut ties with some people. Let’s take a look at them.

1. You’re evolving

When you become older and more experienced in life you’ll start to think differently. These experiences shape you and most likely you’ll start to look at things through a different way. You’re growing through life and your standards are rising. This is a good thing, however, for some people that have known you for a while like your close friends and family members this ‘sudden change’ might seem like a shock. They have always remembered you as the person they knew from so many years ago, and to see you change like that might scare them. They might blame you for being a totally different person and that they don’t know you anymore. In other words, they want to make you feel guilty just because you progressed in life. These people do the exact opposite of encouraging your growth; they’re trying to make you stay at the same ‘level’ for your whole life. You don’t need these types of people in your life. You shouldn’t be around people that make you feel guilty for evolving into a better person that wants more out of life than 10 years ago.

2. Respect yourself enough

Some people in your life will do anything to get what they want without caring how it will affect you. These types of people are the best example of the so-called ‘takers’ in life. They act like they care about you, but that’s only because they need you. They pretend that they will be there for you when you need something, but when you need them they’re nowhere to find, except for their excuses. All they do is take in the relationship, but they never give back something of value to you. Sometimes enough is enough. You must set boundaries for yourself on how far you’re willing to go for someone. You need to let people know that you are not the type of person to be played with. Respect yourself enough to only allow people in your life that will return the same ‘amount’ of love that you’re giving them. These types of people genuinely want the best for you and are there for you no matter the situation.

3. Sometimes things just don’t work out

You’ve probably heard before that you shouldn’t try to force things that have to happen naturally. Well, the same thing applies to your relationships with your friends, acquaintances and even your family members. When you still fail to build some ‘sort of a relationship’ with someone even after you tried a couple of times then perhaps it’s better for your own well-being to accept the situation for what it is. Sometimes it’s more painful to hold on to something that isn’t there (anymore) than the pain of letting go. You can’t have a good relationship with everyone in your life that you’ll ever meet and that’s okay.  Some people only come into your life to teach you the lessons you need to learn at that moment in your life. Accepting this will save you a lot of energy, time and pain in the long run.

It’s often a very good thing to fight for someone to keep them in your life. It shows that you’re not the type of person that easily gives up on the people that you care about. However, you need to consider your own well-being first. If the relationship is toxic and doesn’t add any positive value to your life then perhaps your life might be better without that person. Take care of yourself first, because in the end you are your longest commitment.

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Love is grand, isn’t it? For those of us who are lucky enough to already have the great comp any of a partner, there’s nothing better than being in love. Having someone to always be there for you, laugh with you, cry with you and spend the rest of your days with. Yes, love certainly is grand. For those who are just starting out in a relationship, the question is always, when do you say I love you?

This is never an easy thing and I often wonder if it’s harder for one gender than it is the other. Do women fall in love faster than men do? I imagine thousands of surveys and much research has been done on this topic. I wonder if men fall in love just as swiftly as women do but they are more reserved in declaring their love. Perhaps due for fear of being rejected? Who knows, really. As grand is love is, it’s still a funny thing.

Does he or doesn’t he?

We always first want to know if they do. We question their actions, their words, their texts, every little thing they do. We look for clues of love. He brought me flowers, so he must love me. She talks about me to her friends all the time, so she must love me. Sometimes we mistake love for simply a deep like or appreciation. There’s a fine line and, yes, that like could very well turn into love but it very well may not either. This person may like you a lot but may not be attracted to you in sense of a committed relationship.

Many of us have such a strong attachment to the outcome that we forget to just relax and have fun while we are dating this person. Because of this, we forget what it’s like to be real, have fun and live with no expectations. Does he or doesn’t? The answer will reveal itself soon enough.

Who are you anyway?

It certainly is hard to tell if they love you or not. Remember dating is where it all starts. We have to check our lust and egos at the door, first and foremost, when we first start dating. You probably are absolutely beautiful and had a million dates in high school but this isn’t high school anymore and he wants to know how beautiful you are inside too.  And you probably were the most popular guy in university and all the girls wanted to date you, but. You get the idea.  You have to remember to stay true to you. To who you are now. If you are pretending to be someone you’re not, chances are, the person you are dating will discover that eventually anyway and before anybody has a chance to declare love, it will all be over.

There’s always that period where you are desperately trying to find out more about this person, find out about all of them, learn their bad habits, their good qualities, etc., before we can decide if we are going to give our heart to them. Imagine if that person was pretending to be so me super awesome being, you did fall in love and suddenly their true colours displayed themselves? You fell in love with a chameleon and sadly enough, that happens a lot. That’s why it’s important to always just be yourself. The person you are dating is either a good match for you or not. Best to find out early enough on.

Is it time now?

If you listen and trust your gut instinct, which I might add, never lies, it will warn you or guide you. Pay attention to it. If there is a teeny bit of gnawing inside of you that is warning you that something isn’t right, listen to it. What does your gut say? What does your heart say? Gut first, heart next. Have there been any slight red flags in the dating process? Pay attention to them. If the gut feels good and the heart is fluttering, then just come out with it and say it. If you feel it and you have eliminated it as being possible lust, then in my opinion, just say it. If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. The heart nor the gut, ever lies and if they are both telling you it’s love. Then it’s love.  If you feel from them, and you will feel vibes from them from how they are treating you, the same emotions you are feeling, then love is in the air. And love is grand.

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What does authentic mean? Really. So many claim to be authentic but very little prove it. What sets the authentic people apart from the rest of the world? To be authentic means to be genuine, true and real. No second guessing their personality. What you see is what you get. They are the real deal. So what is it that they do that others don’t?

In a cookie cutter world, we are mostly trying to fit in, blend in or follow the leader. So few of us want to lead or dance to the beat of our own drum for fear of failure or being laughed at. It’s so much easier to just follow the crowd. Not better, just easier. And then there’s the authentic people. What makes them different? What sets them apart? Here are just a few things.

1. They are not afraid to stand out.

Whether it be with the way they dress or their voice or their jobs. they have no fear in standing out above and from the rest. As a matter of fact, they don’t give it a second thought. There is nothing wrong with their outfit, at all. They are uniquely them and they love being themselves. No inhibitions.

2. They use their voice.

They say what they mean, mean what they say and won’t back down from a great conversation, debate or something they strongly believe in. they won’t sugar coat things to protect someone’s feelings (they won’t deliberately or intentionally hurt your feelings either though)

3. Just be yourself.

They encourage you to be yourself around them. They don’t want you to pretend to be someone you’re not, especially not in their company. This is the only person you can do that with, comfortably. They don’t have time to hang with fake people and they don’t want you to be one.

4. They know how to deal with every and any kind of situation.

Stressful, horrible, good and bad. They are extremely flexible in their attitude to life and the cards that life deals and their attitude is more often than not, optimistic and positive. No drama for them.

5. They love their own company.

They really truly do. They think they are awesome and that their company is fantastic. They don’t feel the need to have to be with people all the time for entertainment or company. They love themselves enough to hang out alone.

6. They don’t need validation from anyone.

Ever about anything. They do their best. If it wasn’t their best they will try again tomorrow. They like who they are, they like their hair, clothes, or whatever. They don’t need to seek anyone’s approval.

7. They don’t get defensive when people criticize them.

People are people and not every one is going to like them. They are always open to constructive criticism and take it as exactly that. They are open minded enough to listen to what the other is saying and appreciate their input.

8. They just act.

They trust their gut enough to do that thing they’ve been thinking of or talking about. They don’t look to others for advice. Most often, others will deter them from what is in their heart. They just go off and do what their heart is telling them to. Carefree and enthusiastically.

9. There is beauty in everything and everyone and they see it.

They see love and kindness and beauty everywhere and if for one second they don’t find it, then they will be it. They will be the change the world needs and are quick to jump in and be that person.

10. They don’t hang out with negative or judgemental people.

They really can’t be bothered and find it is a total waste of energy and time to be with people who don’t see the good in everything. They have no qualms about telling people that either. They don’t care if you like that or not.

One important thing you should know about authentic people; they could not care less if you like them or not. They are extremely self confident and don’t need you to like them and never seek anyone’s approval. They are absolutely perfectly happy with who they are. Remember, they love who they are.

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