People make goals for all kinds of reasons. Some simply want to feel a sense of personal achievement, while others are trying to discover the meaning of life or make the world a better place. Sometimes, these are things we pursue in hopes of improving something inside ourselves (intrinsic goals) or things we pursue for some external reason (extrinsic goals).

Setting and achieving goals can be extremely beneficial; it creates a sense of self-expansion and connection by helping us latch onto the tangible value of life. Goals can also enhance our emotional well-being and give us a sense of autonomy and competence.

But sometimes, even goals that seem overwhelmingly positive can have negative effects.

Throughout high school, medical school, and my residency, I worked very hard. I was competitive and goal-oriented until one of my mentors pulled me aside and said, “If you keep on doing what you are doing, you will become the head of the National Institute of Mental Health, and you will hate it.”

My mentor wasn’t paying me an indirect compliment, and I may never even have made the cut; he was saying I had become so consumed with checking off award boxes and satisfying grant reviews that I had disconnected from my passion of integrating biology, psychology, research, clinical work, and the world outside psychiatry.

It took a lot of self-reflection, but I finally realized I needed to leave the safe bubble of academia and venture into a world that was more aligned with my passion.

When Goals Go Bad

Goals can become harmful when they aren’t congruous with who you are or when they’re selfish. Harmful goals can disconnect you from your true self or from a community that could help you. And if they drive you toward perfectionism rather than excellence or come at the expense of your emotional well-being, they might be doing more harm than good.

So how does goal setting change from something life-affirming into a destructive force?

Oftentimes, this occurs when your unconscious goals begin driving your behavior more than your conscious goals. For instance, perhaps your conscious goal is to find a relationship, but you end up ruining it due to your unconscious goal to manifest the sadness of a past relationship that failed.

In other cases, you end up losing your sense of self in the process of trying to achieve a goal. If a woman wants to meet someone, fall in love, and have a child, for example, she may start going out and meeting people. This is good for her and good for her goal. She’s also getting in shape, which keeps her healthy, helps her attract a partner, and supports a healthy birth.

But when the goal takes over, she may start tanning constantly or taking a slew of diet pills. At a certain point, she’s no longer interested in what’s good for her — only what will satisfy the goal.

Other times, the goals themselves aren’t harmful, but the motivation behind them is. For instance, if a person can’t confront something painful, he might try to ignore it by running from one goal to the next without stopping.

Some people never stop running, while others realize that it’s time to confront the issue and work toward more authentic, life-enriching goals.

Are Your Goals Hurting You?

There are a number of red flags that your goals are becoming harmful. Maybe you’ve hit a wall and feel as though you can’t work toward your goal anymore. Or maybe you feel like you’ve strayed from who you really are.

If you keep making the same mistakes over and over again or feel a sense of depression or anxiety, that could be a sign that your goals have morphed from something positive to something destructive. Discomfort is often a part of change and achievement, but the distress caused by negative feelings is usually a signal that something isn’t right.

If you think your goals may no longer be serving you in a positive way, there are a number of steps you can take to get back on track:

• Reflect and manage your goals. Don’t just set goals and chase after them. Focus your energy on managing your goals so they don’t control you. Ask yourself: Does this goal fit who you are? How is it going to change over time? Is it impeding your life? Does it make you feel more or less connected to yourself and others?

• Discuss your goals with people you trust. They’ll often have insights that you wouldn’t. 

• Think about whom you will disappoint if you fail. Try to be compassionate, but realize that if you disappoint yourself, you’re going to have a much harder time serving others.

• Eliminate Plan B. If your goal isn’t bringing you fulfillment, it might be because your backup plan is obstructing your primary goal. At some point, you must commit to your goals fully, so consider dropping Plan B to make it easier to achieve Plan A.

Achieving your goals and maintaining life satisfaction are not mutually exclusive. In fact, when you pursue the right goals in the right way, they should naturally support one another. In the end, it’s all about remembering that you are not your goals. Rather, your goals should be a concrete extension of your inner drive, passion, and hope.

Dr. Srini Pillay, founder and CEO of NeuroBusiness Group, is a pioneer in brain-based executive coaching, dedicated to collaborating with world-class experts to help people become unstuck and unleash their full potential by tapping into the power of their brains. He also serves as Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and teaches in the Executive Education Programs at Harvard Business School and Duke Corporate Education.

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You’ve got the creative itch. Maybe you want to write a book, start a company, learn a new programming language, or do anything else where you can leave your mark on the world. It’s new and you’re excited about this.

So what do you do first?

Research.

What else is out there? Who are the industry players? How can you implement best practices? You don’t want to waste time, so instead of jumping into your project, you head over to Google and start searching away.

Yet, while you need to do a bit of preliminary research in order to map the landscape and educate yourself, you can easily pass the point from being productive to flat out sabotaging yourself, where more research becomes another form of procrastination.

Welcome to the research death spiral abyss.

Just one more podcast! One more blog post! One more course by that new guru!

I know the feeling. You’re searching for the magic silver bullet. The one that will open up the gates of success so you can waltz through right into victory without any battle scars.

We research and research because we’re terrified of failing. So we procrastinate by thinking we need to know more.

Don’t get me wrong, I love learning as much as I can, but if you want to make any progress on your idea, it’s critical you know when you’re doing productive research, and when you’re burying your fear in the research death spiral abyss.

It’s actually easy to avoid this. Here’s the formula: learn, and then implement said learning. Rinse and repeat. The way to stay on track is to ask yourself, “have I implemented or discarded everything I’ve learned on this topic?” If the answer is yes, then go learn more. If the answer is no, then you are procrastinating.

Success requires taking action, and ultimately, research is preparation for taking action, not action itself. And that is a critical difference.

The truth is that avoiding the research death spiral abyss is easier said than done because your mind plays tricks on you, telling you that you need more knowledge to do what you’re setting out to do.

It’s much easier to set up a system that works around your fears rather than confront them head on.

So how is this done?

1) Clean Up Your Information Inputs

Unsubscribe from unhelpful email newsletters, and quit reading those that don’t add any real value to your life. The ones that don’t add value are those that don’t teach you or distract you from taking action on your creative pursuit.

Quit reading the news. It’s designed to make us stressed and anxious. 99% of the news has virtually no impact over the implementation of your creative pursuit. And, that 1% that may have an impact will surface later on when you need it.

2) Make Rules About Social Media Use

Social media is great for promoting your business or product, but personal use should be banned during the workday. It absolutely kills your productivity and inner peace. When you see posts from friends and colleagues, your mind will wander and you will lose focus. If you need a distraction, take a real break.

Easy wins are eliminating social apps from your mobile, and installing software to block social sites. Social media sites build their companies to be as addictive as possible, and your willpower isn’t strong enough to outmaneuver their powers, so avoid the fight all together.

3) Have Office Hours for Work and No Work 

Separate time for work and time for play. Do this by using a calendar. Fill in the time slots on your calendar for what you want to do, when you want to do it.

If you go about your day with your calendar open, and you see an assignment, you can just go do it. Without this direction you’d easily fall into surfing the net or browsing social media. Keep yourself accountable by scheduling your work.

4) Become an Explorer

Change your mindset from anxiety ridden creative to courageous explorer learning about new territory, because that’s what you’re doing. When you’re doing something creative, you’re doing something that you’ve never done before. It’s brand new and so you don’t know exactly where you’re going.

Do you think Columbus failed when he hit an unexpected part of the New World? No, he simply adapted to the new circumstance. Change your mindset so instead of failing, you simply get unexpected results. Course correct and keep moving.

5) Talk to Your Research 

When you come across a new blog post or new article, ask yourself, “is this information going to help me today?” If yes, then keep reading it. If no, then delete it. If maybe, then save the information in Evernote for future reference.

The research death spiral abyss loves new information. Especially information that your limiting beliefs think you might need. In truth, you either need it now or you don’t. If you don’t need it now, then save it and move on or delete it altogether.

6) Exercise

Staying active helps calm your nerves, and you feel better in general. Physical accomplishments carry over into other accomplishments, because they boost your self-confidence.

When you feel good about yourself you have the confidence to courageously move forward on your idea in the face of uncertainty.

7) Hire a Coach 

If you’re really stuck, then as a last resort pay for a coach. Remember, you’re paying them not only for their expertise, but you’re also paying them for you to stay accountable and disciplined.

Sometimes the pressure of having someone else to report to or please can make all the difference in the world when it comes to taking action on your dreams. A coach can help you get out of your own mind and push through.

Now go do it.

Bryan Leeds writes at Relationship Up, where he shares ideas for living a better life with the people that matter to you most.

 

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Communication is key to any relationship. Without communication, we are unable to connect as human beings. According to Tony Robbins, love and connection is one of the key basic needs we want as human beings.

To help us in this department there are two anagrams that can remind us of what we can do to improve our communication and strengthen our relationships.

To refresh your mind on what an anagram is, it’s a word or phrase that can be re-arranged to spell out another word or phrase using the exact same letters.

So what are the two anagrams?

1. LISTEN – SILENT.

The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. – Unknown.

Do you ever find yourself having to talk over others to get your voice heard? Or having to repeat yourself several times until someone hears what you are trying to say? Or perhaps simply just feeling overwhelmed by information overload that you lose connection to yourself in the process.

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to slow down and practice being silent and ‘listen’ing.

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear”. – Ram Dass

Be it in your interaction with another human being, or listening to your own intuition, it will help you build a stronger, deeper connection with yourself and others.

2. CHICKENING – CHECKING IN

To strengthen your connection in a relationship it is important to stop ‘chickening’ and start ‘checking in’.
However, often times we ‘chicken’ out when it comes to communicating what we want and in expressing our needs because we are afraid of what others may think of us. So we ignore our feelings and let it bottle up inside of us. Overtime, this can lead to resentment and a loss of connection.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who is a relationship mentor. He shared with me something he read in a book. In this book, there’s a couple who would check-in with each other and ask, on a scale of 1-10, what kind of husband/wife was I this week? And what made it a ____?

This may be an edgy question for some, as it can open up some uncomfortable conversations.

However, the purpose of this exercise is to allow each person to speak their mind openly and honestly about something that may have bothered them earlier in the week, so that any issues or misunderstandings can be cleared and resolved.

Now I would suggest prior to engaging in this type of conversation, to work out some additional ground rules to be agreed upon by all involved, in order to create a safe space to talk openly.   These rules could be to remain open-minded, to listen and stay silent until the other person finishes talking, to stick with facts and feelings.

The beauty of this exercise is it alleviates the need for you to be a mind reader and it allows you to get feedback from those who are important to you. It encourages you to express what’s on your mind so that you can grow together and help each other show up to be a better version of yourself and for each other.

So next time, when you are having a conversation with someone where you’d like to build rapport with, be it in a personal or professional setting, imagine how powerful you’ll be as a communicator in knowing you’ve got these anagrams in your back pocket. It can help you create trust, awareness and connection in your relationships.

 

Theresa Ho is a life coach, a blogger and the founder of Rejuvenate Your Essence. She believes life is too short to live your life based on others’ expectations and is dedicated in helping people find their essence so that they can live their best lives. If you like this article check out Why losing your job may be the best thing that ever happen to you? Get her Free 5 Part Action Guide to Live Mindfully. Be Free + Reclaim your Power meditation track.

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Life can get rough every now and then, and it’s no wonder that we lose hope, get discouraged and can’t figure out why we do what we do.

In moments like these, we need to remind ourselves of the great stuff around us. Because it’s there, all the time. And if we focus on it, the rest doesn’t really matter, and we can move on with our life, stronger and more positive than ever.

Here are some things to keep in mind that can always lift you up:

1. Time heals everything.

Whatever it is that you’ve been through, no matter how bad you think your situation is, it will go away.
You’ll learn to live with it, and eventually you’ll forget it. You’ll get used to living without a certain person, or to a change in your lifestyle.

2. Opportunities are everywhere.

With each new day the world offers you countless opportunities. Your job is to notice, be open to and make the best of them.

3. There are people out there who can support you and motivate you.

Maybe you’re surrounded by toxic people, who only think about themselves, are negative, complain about life, never listen to you, don’t respect your goals and constantly make you feel down.

You don’t need them. In fact, if you keep being around them, you won’t reach your goals or feel any happier.

But don’t forget that there are others out there with the same interests, communities you can join, friends you can make. So get up and find them.

4. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can always change it.

Don’t feel hopeless if you hate your body, aren’t productive, don’t have a skill, don’t like your style, aren’t confident or are too shy to talk to new people.

All that can be changed quite easily. Just know why you’re doing it and be consistent. If you have a definite desire, if you really want to improve your life and become a better version of yourself, take a small step each day towards that.

5. Nothing is as bad as it looks.

We tend to overdramatize situations and often they appear worse in our minds, when actually everything is temporary, and can be changed.
Keep that in mind.

6. Life is simple.

So stop complicating it.

Ditch your great expectations, stop trying to guess what people mean and ask directly.
Throw away all the belongings you haven’t used lately and make some space in your apartment.
Let go of past and future and focus on the now. Eliminate the tasks from your to-do list that someone else can finish, or that aren’t urgent, or have nothing to do with your goals and the things you want in life.

7. You don’t need to do or have anything in particular to be happy.

So many people seek happiness in outer sources – they feel a void inside them and try to fill it by loving someone and spending all their time with him, by shopping, partying, moving to another place, changing their appearance, etc.

And they feel even worse after that.

That’s because happiness can be found only on the inside. And that void is a sign that you haven’t fixed your relationship with yourself – you don’t love, appreciate, accept and listen to yourself.

Start doing that, together with appreciating what you already have, being present and enjoying the little things, and you’ll see the world from a different point of view – you’ll fill your days with gratitude and contentment, and happiness will come.

8. Failures and mistakes are blessings.

Failing is the biggest proof of trying, it means you’re doing something with your life and that puts you ahead of the average person, who just sits at home, trying to figure out what he wants and how he can get it.

Trying something and not succeeding, makes you more experienced, stronger, and lets you know what you shouldn’t do next time.

And if you learn how to find the lesson in it and not give up, you’ll eventually reach success.

9. Better things are coming.

That’s a fact. You just need to be open for these things, to look forward to them, to believe you deserve that.

10. If it’s important, you’ll make time.

Most of the time life is all about prioritizing. If you say you don’t have time for something, then it’s just not that important to you.

Because if it was, you’d figure out a way to make time. So never say that you’re too busy to spend time with your family, do what you love or else.

11. If you learn how to let go, you’ll be free and peaceful.

Letting go is a beautiful process. It helps you free your mind of the burden of the past and stop worrying about what might happen tomorrow, and then lets you be right here, right now – completely present and mindful of what you’re doing.

12. The universe if working in your favor, not against you.

Life may seem unfair sometimes, but it’s because you take things too personally, expect too much or aren’t doing what you’re supposed to.

The universe gives you signs all the time, you just need to listen to them, notice and choose what is right.

13. Every next day is a chance to start over.

That’s a great fact and I love reminding myself of it whenever I feel bad.

It’s true. No matter how many times you failed, how bad you felt yesterday and what hardships you’ve been through, tomorrow is another day, and you decide how to start it and how to spend it.

14. At any moment you can meet that one person that will make you realize why it never worked out with others.

Never think that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life, or that there’s just no one for you out there. It may not have worked out with a bunch of people, but that’s just because you made wrong choices.

Maybe they had nothing to do with you, were completely different. But they have their own paths to walk, so just follow yours.

And never stop believing that your soul mate is waiting for you somewhere. Just do what you need to do, work on your goals, your body, mind and soul. Improve yourself and your lifestyle, and that person will come.

With all that in mind, how can you ever be desperate about life again?
It’s a beautiful adventure, and surprises and opportunities are everywhere.

 

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What would it be like if you understood that the deepest of challenges in your life are for you?  They are not here because you have done something wrong or God fell asleep on the job.  Challenges are a part of life and they will keep on coming: too many things to do, miscommunication in relationships, health issues, financial difficulties, a stress-filled job, anything that causes you upset.  Discovering that your challenges are for you is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.

In this journey through life, you have and will come across challenges that seem almost impossible to bear.  Rather than seeing them as something that you must fight with, you can learn to bring the power of compassionate attention to each challenge as it comes and learn to trust that your soul knows what it’s doing.  You can use your challenges as an opportunity to see more clearly all the parts of the fear-based storyteller in your mind.  It is a process and it takes practice.

1. Unhooking From Your Storyteller

You can learn to use your mind as the wonderful tool that it is rather than being lost in reaction.  You are not the stories in your head.  They are conditioned beliefs you took on when you were very young.  The storyteller in your head – that commentator that talks all day long – is always trying to do life and do it right.  It constantly struggles with life, cutting you off from the meadow of your own being.  It manipulates, tries, expects, wants, rages and resists.  It generates all sorts of feelings such as fear, sadness, self-judgment, anger, doubt, confusion, irritation and despair.  It is happy when it is getting what it wants, and when it doesn’t, the stories run rampant.  This is where most people live … lost in their stories about life rather than the direct experience of it.

The storyteller believes that everything will be okay when we can get rid of the parts we don’t like and hold onto the ones we do.  We have the strange idea that we are the only ones with these undesirable parts, but we all have them.  We are just very good at pretending that we don’t – both to ourselves and to others!  There is nothing inside of us to be ashamed of!  We can begin to get to know our storyteller and learn to relate to all of its parts.  They deserve kindness just like we do when we have had a difficult day.

As you begin to unhook from your storyteller, you become more spacious and open—the opposite of the low-grade struggle that you are accustomed to.  In the unhooking, you discover how to use your mind for the exquisite tool that it is rather than letting it run you.

2. Getting To Know Your Fear

Most people guard against their fear and will do anything to get away from it.  Fear can be very subtle.  It can be a chronic unsettled feeling or it can totally take over our lives.  We all have fear.  Even when our lives are going well, it is still there, concealed in the core of our inner story that is running us from underneath our everyday awareness.   We fear the unknown.  We fear failure.  We fear the darkness within us.  We fear what others think of us.  We fear death.  We fear life.  We fear it all.  When fear in our minds really gets going and we are lost in it, the sympathetic nervous system gets stronger and more receptive to the fear, which feeds the fight or flight response, and we get caught in this painful world of fear.

Getting to know fear is a powerful part of your awakening.  It is one of the core teachers for waking up to life.  Notice how fear runs through your mind all day long.  It is powerful when you begin to notice it and say “Oh, that’s fear.”  You can get to know fear without trying to fix or change it.  This is where the healing is.  If you think about it, 99.99% of the fear-based stories you tell yourself never happen.  Look back on your life and you will see that they just don’t come to pass.  If you can allow a little bit of space around the fear and see it for what it is, even for just a moment, you will realize that it’s just a story.  That is a moment of consciousness.  Eventually, you will come to be with the fear and you won’t be run by it anymore.  It will just pass through.  This is the ease and peace that we all long for in our lives.

3. Breathing Yourself Back into Life

The benefits of belly breathing are profound.  To breathe deeply into the belly brings your center of gravity out of your head and back into the safety of being grounded in your body.  When your attention is mainly in your head, you are like a top-heavy tree that is vulnerable to the winds of life. When you ground yourself in your belly, you discover a wellspring of deep knowing, wisdom, and trust.

Deep belly breathing will calm you when you are agitated, help heal you when you are sick, open the door to wisdom when you really need it and energize you when you are tired (more powerfully than caffeine and no side effects!).  Deep, conscious breathing turns on the calming aspect of your nervous system, allowing you to rediscover, over and over again, the place within you that knows how to respond to life rather than react.

When you are caught in your mind and you relax into your breath, you can feel how calming it is to pull your attention out of your busy mind and invite it instead to simply ride the waves of your breath.  You can actually relax into its rhythm enough that you allow yourself to be rocked by your breath.  And, you can make one more radical step – let go of breathing and allow yourself to be breathed by Life.

In my new book, What’s In the Way IS the Way, there is a wonderful saying that is a reminder that our challenges in life are for us:

“Life is set up, to bring up, what has been bound up, so it can open up, to be freed up, so you can show up for life!”

Your challenges can became doorways back into an intimate, open connection with life.  What’s in the way IS the way! When you can stay open to your challenges, no matter what is going on in your life, there is always a doorway.

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Mary O’Malley is an author, counselor and awakening mentor who resides in Kirkland, Washington.  In the early 1970’s, a powerful awakening led Mary to begin changing her relationship with her challenges, freeing her from a lifelong struggle with darkness.  For over 30 years, Mary has been helping others heal their fears, anxieties, shame and confusion.  Eckhart Tolle says, “Thank you Mary, for your contribution to the evolution of human consciousness.”  www.maryomalley.com

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Some need to change slightly while some need a complete overhaul.

Think about it: Too much of anything, even if it’s supposedly good for you isn’t good in the end. That’s why we need to do something about unbridled positivity today.

As a blogger myself, it isn’t just about twisting it to help the masses. It’s also about being able to stand out in your craft. Read on!

1) “Follow your dreams.”

The problem here is that it’s always so easy to talk about wanting to follow your dreams, but the work involved is a lot harder than expected.

Worse, the self-help industry has glorified the idea of dreaming. That is why people think they’re already on their way by setting up their vision boards, meditating or reading up on The Law of Attraction.

Say instead: Have a dream. Set up a plan. Create realistic milestones.

Then keep doing small, incremental things that’d lead you in that direction.

Noticed I said “direction” and not destination. It’s all about moving forward. Things WILL go wrong and things will change along the way. Your supposed dream may be something else altogether. Embrace that!

2) “Get out of your comfort zone.”

This is true, yet obvious. It’s a lot easier said than done. It’s kind of understandable to back out at the last moment because you don’t feel ready.

Say instead: When you’re feeling scared, anxious and downright comfortable, those are the right signs that you’ve to do something.

Hence, you need to erase the self-doubt that comes with the less-than-desirable feelings. You’ve to do it anyway because it’s correct.

3) “Quit your job.”

I’ve no idea how many rag-to-riches stories I’ve read on how some successful person quit their job or got fired and called it the best thing that ever happened to them.

Look, most of us don’t like our jobs, but we gotta do what we gotta do right?

Mindlessly quitting your job without a plan isn’t something you should do. You may feel liberated, but the lack of income can really take its toll on you especially if others are depending on you.

Say instead: Quit your job only when it makes sense.

That means having a plan or enough savings to tide you over for the short-term future.

Heck, I’d say even that you shouldn’t quit your job at all. Just learn to try to block out the negativitiy from the office.

4) “Punch your pillow” or “Scream into your pillow.”

I won’t go deep here, but anger management arguably doesn’t work. Google it. You’ll be surprised.

Say instead: Find the primary emotion underlying your anger.

Because anger is a secondary emotion. If you don’t find it, you’re only sweeping your problems under the rug.

Do what it takes to find that cause. Go for therapy. Read up on anger. Personally, I think reading up on psychology and the ego helps most.

5) “Get over your fears.”

Another easier said than done thing to do. It’s too scary! You can’t just tell somebody with issues to simply get over their fears and be done with it.

Say instead: Understand your fear first, feel afraid and do it anyway.

Fear is simply a system to keep you alert. It’s what keeping you from impulsively jumping off the building for no reason.

Like anger, find the root cause of your fear.

Then like getting out of your comfort zone, feel scared and do it anyway. That’s the right sign to really grow.

6) “You’re special.”

I honestly think this is a tired phrase used to make people feel better about themselves only.

Say instead: Make your life special by doing extraordinary things.

Face it. If you want to create a meaningful life, you’ve to get off your ass and do great things.

Saying you’re special or was born special and not doing anything is ultimately useless.

So do something already! Leave some footprints!

7) “Just be yourself.”

But what if you don’t like yourself? What if you don’t know who you really are?

Say instead: Be yourself… unless you suck.

That’s a rough quote by Josh Whedon actually.

Straight up, if you know there’re things about you you need to change or want to change, then make those changes already.

If you feel lost and lack purpose in life, I strongly suggest you start doing things, getting out there and create real memories for yourself.

8) “Find passion.”

And what’s usually followed is, “The rest will take care of itself” or “And you won’t work a day of your life.”

Wrong. Passion doesn’t solve all your problems or make life super awesome for you.

Say instead: Find passion and be prepared to do the work.

It’s important indeed to base your art or business around your passion. That’s a solid foundation that will take you a long way.

Nonetheless, you still need to do the work. That effectively means not feeling good and even doubting yourself from time to time.

It’s all about taking action.

9) “Money is not everything.”

I find it so amusing that the two groups of people who are always ready to spout this cliche are the same ones who are the least qualified to do so.

The first is people who are totally broke and are too lazy to work at all.

The second is people who have made it and are very successful, thus they mislead people (who do need money) into thinking, for example, that passion is enough and that one shouldn’t take up money-making opportunities or make sensible decisions.

Say instead: Money is important, but the bottom line is if you want to chase it.

I think this idea is simple.

Just do what you have to do to survive. Yet, remember to stop and smell the roses from time to time. Your happiness is entirely up to you, not money.

Special bonus for Pick The Brain Readers!

I hope you enjoyed the article! Want more ways to be mature?

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Time to shed the crap in life and start being happy! This free book is only available through this link to Alden Tan.

Alden Tan keeps it real at his blog and writes about motivation in unconventional ways. His two main passions are Bboying and writing. Check out his free report, 12 Things Happy People Don’t Give a F**k About!

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Inner peace may seem like a mythical peak. Almost unachievable, far away, maybe even unreal for many. In fact, for almost every single one of us. Indeed, very few can rightly claim “I feel calm right now” in a midst of stressful situations, worries or problems requiring immediate attention.

However, there is a secret. The only way to achieve the fabled inner peace is to embrace the fact that it is only marginally defined by outer circumstances. Mainly, it is a choice you must make for yourself. You can be calm and peaceful in any situation by surprisingly, simply choosing to. This requires constant practice, but with practice your inner peace can become a habit, and then, a reality.

So, these are the steps you may start with. Even by following these few suggestions, and constantly reminding yourself about them, you can make, eventually, inner peace your normal state of mind.

1. Simplify

Simplicity contributes to inner peace because it allows you to direct your energy and effort into one single point. Get rid of everything that hinders you, including acquaintances and friends who may only drain you while giving you nothing in return. Remember that the key is always quality over quantity. Throw out or give away everything that you don’t really need. Every time you buy something new, ask yourself whether you can do without it, whether it’s really necessary to you. Don’t let unnecessary information like TV news or gossip into your life. Keep it simple and at all times stay focused on one or two tasks that matter.

2. Direct your mind on the present moment

The only time that truly exists is this present moment. Past was, once, the present and future will once too, become the present. For all that matters, you should not obsess yourself by things gone. Or by the unpredictable future, which is in fact nothing more than your fantasy. So be focused on the present. Give all your best to it, and simply live. Don’t let the real, present moment go by because you live in the past or in the future.

3. Express gratitude

Stop and think about how fortunate you really are. Your mind may constantly wander off in the future, and desire something new. Yet if you are reading this article, you probably are relatively well off. Just think about the fact that 80% of the world population lives on less than $10 a day. Or that 20% can not even read or write.

Try to think about all the things you have, there sure are plenty. Then realize that your mind is, at times, your worst enemy. Remember that even if you get what you hope for at this instant, your mind will very soon find some new object of desire. This is a vicious circle you can only break by expressing gratitude for what you already have or achieved, more and often. Even for the simplest things we otherwise take for granted.

4. Try it someone else’s way

Your point of view should not be a law. Do not hold to it and be quick to let it go whenever it gets shaken by a better logic or opinion. When you find yourself in an argument, do not make a battle out of it. Remember that argument should be a synonym to discussion. If you find yourself on a losing side, be strong enough to accept a flaw in your opinion and thank a person for enriching your perspective. At all costs, keep your mind open. Life is a constant growth and motion, and whoever clings to his fixed ways, is eventually left alone behind.

5. Remember that everything will pass

Look around yourself and ponder for a while about the fact that everything – EVERYTHING – will once pass. Time can be generous, but ultimately, it is indifferent. However dark it may sound, everything and everybody will eventually perish. Nothing is forever, so how senseless it is to wage little personal wars with people you happen to dislike, or to give into sorrow over a break-up? Time will heal even the deepest wounds, but it will work faster if you don’t scratch them… So, quite often, the best option is to simply let time resolve the problem. Because it inevitably will, eventually.

6. Smile

That’s right, just smile. A simple smile does wonders. It can help to soften hearts, make “no” into “yes” and instantly change mood of others as well as your own. Smile to members of your family, smile to your coworkers, smile to everybody you meet. Smile even to yourself in the mirror if there’s nobody else around. Smile is deeply connected to Love. And what you give, comes back to you later. Notice that it’s impossible to sincerely smile and to experience anger, sorrow or jealousy at the same time. While smiling, you can’t help but feel calmness, happiness and love.

7. Take your time

Be patient. Enjoy your life as a kind of journey. Everything will happen when the time is right. Good or bad, all is finely interconnected and you can not be defeated until you yourself proclaim capitulation. Remember something bad that happened to you? Try to think of what good it also gave you. If this “bad” experience didn’t happen, how much different you’d be from your current self? Try to appreciate small things in life, good or bad. And take your time.

8. Finish what you start

Or in other words, close the circle. Your unfinished business (unforgiven griefs, unspoken words, started but unfinished projects or tasks) is a heavy burden for your present consciousness and peace. Try to notice just how often they pop-up in the back of your mind, leading to anxiety and dragging you down. If there is a thing you started but definitely don’t want to finish, take your time to think deeply about it and make a mental final check-line next to it. Then be sure to never go back to it again.

9. Keep calm

If you find yourself agitated, take few deep breaths and wait to fully calm down before taking any kind of action or decision. Rushing anything leads only to poor outcomes. The ability to keep calm and focused amidst chaos and changes is a true sign of inner peace. This one is closely connected to another advice about keeping your mind in the present moment. Because look around you… Is there really anything that bad to disturb your calm self, or is it just you imagining the future or reliving the past?

10. Do not make money your priority

Always remember that money is just a means to achieve something, not a goal in itself. So what do you have in mind? What is the purpose of money you are working so hard for? Always think before-head why do you work, and what is the purpose of your work. Would you keep doing what you do now if money would not be an issue? If your answer is a definitive no, then there is a serious reason to slow down and reflect. Life is short, so try to find your passion, and think of a way to make money practicing it.

Alisa Imikiba is a traveler and illustrator, currently working from Bangkok. She has dedicated this year to drawing inspirational pictures like ones above, one piece for each and every day. You can keep in touch with her and her work here.

 

 

 

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I don’t know about you, but the cold weather really bums me out. Once the holidays are over and the “New Year optimism” has worn off, I just want to hibernate until springtime. If the season has you feeling down, here are some suggestions to help you get out of the winter funk:

1. Escape into someone else’s story.

Winter is a great time to curl up with a great book or catch up on your Netflix. Sometimes I like to immerse myself in a nice beach read or a summer movie so I can remind myself what summer feels like. Also, it’s always nice to live vicariously through my favorite protagonists anytime I’m feeling down. Being indoors will give you an opportunity to read those books on your shelf that you’ve been meaning to get to or start that new television show your co-worker’s been telling you to watch forever. Or you can bust out your old favorites. Nothing cheers me up like reading Harry Potter or watching an episode of Friends (for the millionth time).

2. Get plenty of exercise and eat nutritious foods.

Exercising can reduce stress, increase your energy level, help you get better sleep, and improve your health all around. This is the perfect time to try that new cardio kickboxing class you’ve been wondering about or zip up your jacket and go for a hike. Try out some yoga with a video in your living room or find a Pilates class near you. Eating a healthy, well-balanced diet can definitely boost your mood. Try adding more fruits and vegetables that are rich in the antioxidants to your diet, and be sure you’re getting enough vitamins (especially Vitamin D), carbohydrates, and proteins.

3. Learn a new skill or begin a new hobby.

Just because you may be stuck indoors doesn’t mean you can’t try something new! Perfect your Spanish language skills, learn to knit or crochet, try out some DIY or crafty projects you see on Pinterest, become a master chess player, start writing that novel you always think about, experiment with exciting new recipes, start a YouTube channel or a blog, the possibilities are endless.

4. Try meditating.

Meditation is shown to decrease stress levels, increase serotonin production (which will improve your mood), and it will help you find clarity and peace of mind. Don’t know where to start? Listen to some relaxing music on Spotify or look up guided meditations on YouTube. There are tons of books on the subject (The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh and Meditation for Beginners by Jack Kornfield are both great) or free resources online (like these free guided meditations from UCLA) that will help you get started.

5. Start coloring.

Coloring books aren’t just for children anymore. Recent research has shown that coloring can actually be an effective way for adults to relax and combat stress. You may find that using the bright, vibrant colors will boost your mood. It might spark your creativity and inspire you to get artistic in other ways or it might just be a way to relax, have fun, and remember what it felt like to be a child. Sometimes we could all use a little more child-like joy in our lives!

6. Start a game night.

It’s easy to be antisocial during the colder months. One way to get social is to have your friends over for a game night. Bust out Taboo, Apples to Apples (or the raunchier Cards Against Humanity), Scrabble, or Balderdash and let the fun ensue. There are also lots of suggestions for games available on the internet. Or you could get really creative and make one up. Make it a weekly gathering to give yourself something to look forward to during the week.

7. Embrace the season.

Winter may not be everyone’s favorite season, but there are certainly good things about it. Whether you are having a snowball fight, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate, or simply appreciating the number of awesome scarves in your winter wardrobe, try to find the joyful moments that winter brings. You can’t escape the season so you may as well find ways to enjoy it.

(I should note that while these suggestions may boost your mood and help you get out of the wintertime blues, if you are experiencing symptoms of depression, you may have seasonal affective disorder. If you are feeling depressed almost every day for the majority of the day, you should seek help from your doctor.)

 

Sara Crawford is a writer and musician from Atlanta, Georgia. She has an MFA in Creative Writing from the University of New Orleans. Her upcoming debut young adult novel is called The Muses. Learn more about her at http://saracrawford.net.

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Do you believe what everyone else does and go along with the flow but with a nagging doubt at the back of your mind that you’re not sure that it’s all as it should be?

What you need is to develop your critical thinking skills so you can sift information to form sharper and better informed opinions. You can then make better life decisions based on a firm foundation of accurate knowledge.

So how do you become more discerning and sharper in what you let into our minds?

Let’s start with an example. Is the following statement true?

Anti-oxidants are good for you and eating loads of them prevents disease.

Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Researchers had hoped that anti-oxidants would mop up free-radicals in the body – the theory and what the media pounced on. But when tested in practice the results didn’t stand up (not so exciting for the media). I’ll let you know where I found this out later if you don’t believe me.

So here are 5 steps to sharpen your mind up.

1. Stop being lazy and don’t just read the same old stuff

If you’re input is the sensationalist press then you’re not necessarily going to get a highly balanced and in-depth view. It’s very easy to skim the popular news media and read the blogs of the fanciful amateur and get suckered.

A diet of tougher reading may mean smaller print and less entertainment though not necessarily so as you’ll see later.

This sort of reading isn’t something that everyone can adjust to overnight but take your time, pick a subject and build up an appetite for the in depth, serious and well researched.

2. Learn the art of critical appraisal

Just because someone is wearing a white coat and has mail-order qualifications you shouldn’t accept what they say. You need to learn to critically appraise the information and the information giver. Here are some questions to ask to help do this:

Do they have vested interested? Does the story originate from someone trying to sell you something or promote how good they are? Is there an conflict of interest which could lead to bias?

Is the evidence all that they say it is? This can range from taking results out of context to not enough data (technically known as small sample size) to meaningful conclude anything. Is the data even real! Shocking, but true people have made things up! You might need to track back and seek out the underlying research. Academic papers are available on line in full text (charges can apply) or summary form.

Are the numbers absolute or relative? Give me a moment of this one! Gerd Gigerenzer has written extensively on this and a quick illustration is worth giving. If a new treatment has 2 in 1000 people with side effects as opposed to 1 in 1000 the results should be stated like that rather than “new treatment doubles side effects” a relative and sensationalist statement that will create fear in people taking what might be a more effective treatment with a still low risk (0.2%) of side effect.

3. Challenge everything

There’s a lot of things you should challenge particularly when the message giver has a interest in the information being presented. Science, medicine, psychology and technology are all areas that require a sharp and enquiring mind.

Even headline news like the economy needs critical appraisal.

Firstly, it’s often taken as a given that economic growth is good thing. But what if the economy is growing because of growth in industries such as arms and tobacco that you might not think is a good thing? Secondly, how the growth is stated is misleading. Normally it’s stated as Gross Domestic Product for a country. Which is fine but for a country like Britain where the population is growing significantly the economy will expand just because there are more people. Stating per capita GDP would be more reasonable but not if you’re a politician wanting to present your economic turnaround miracle.

There’s also a lot of claims on how success can be achieved. So, always question how valid or provable any claim is. For instance, celebrity success stories (sample size of 1!) often tell us nothing about how they really become a success. Others who did the same but failed won’t get reported on and who’s to say if the success story will rightly attribute, or even reveal, the real success factors, including luck?

4. Find some trust worthy sources

It’s not everyone out there that has a hidden agenda and wants you to believe stuff for their own advantage. Sometimes it’s just incompetence on the behalf of those who report these things.

The good news is that there are some very diligent writers out there who we can trust. The best thing to do is to build a list of these people who go back to proven sources (sound academically rigorous research) and report it back without bias.

I’ve found the following helpful: Gary Taubes and Ben Goldacre on medicine and nutrition;

Oliver Burkeman on self help; and Richard Wiseman on Psychology.

It was Ben Goldacre’s excellent book Bad Science that put me straight on anti-oxidants. An entertaining read from a highly qualified doctor.

5. Keep your radar open

The first point was about not reading the same old stuff. As you stretch your reading the risk is you develop a nice list of pet authors and just stick with them. Keeping a critical judgement means keeping the radar open to new sources and new issues. There’s never a point to sit back and rest.

Being more critical in your thinking will give you a more accurate basis for action, action that will therefore be more effective than those who are following the the latest fad or misleading headline.

Peter Ewin Hall is the creator of lifewhack.com where he writes on the theme of “Cutting your own path”, encouraging creativity and adventure.

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“Turn your face to the sun and let the shadows fall behind you” – Maori Proverb

Highs and lows are a part of life. There comes a time in every person’s life when all hope seems lost. You may feel dejected and sad. However, the key to overcoming these times with a smile is not letting these affect you negatively. Use these difficult times as a learning experience, and try to get through them. You might feel hurt, but that is no reason to stop living.

Facing problems and heartaches are an inevitable part of life. In order to come out unscathed from such times, there are a few things you should do. Following are some of the things you can do to overcome the hopelessness.

This Too Shall Pass

“Sun emerges in the morning after a dark night” – Anonymous

Times may be tough now, but they are not going to last forever. Things will change and for the better. Keep reminding yourself that this is a phase and it will pass eventually. You might be dealing with family issues, or problems related to work, or maybe going through a rough time in your relationship. No matter what the problem is, it will pass, and you will look back at these times, and smile, remembering the lessons they taught you. So keep reminding yourself that these bad times aren’t here to stay. You will smile again. You will laugh again. You will be happy again. And you will achieve your dream.

Much of This Won’t Matter in a Few Years

The problems you are facing today may seem like huge problems at the moment, but a few years from now, they won’t matter. You will look back at these times, and laugh at how silly these problems were. Or you will be thankful to God, for giving you a chance to come out stronger than ever before. Whatever is happening, keep reminding yourself that this holds a small percentage in your entire life. Therefore, rather than feeling down, pull yourself up and out of the darkness.

Bad times have a habit of making us feel depressed. You might feel that there is no hope right now, but believe that you have the power to change your life. Visualize that you are changing your life, and take steps to make that vision a reality.

PAIN IS PART OF GROWING

Life is full of beautiful moments, and the only way for us to realize that is if we go through difficult times. Pain is a part of growing, and it makes you stronger. Remember, when you were first learning to ride a bike, and fell down multiple times? You might have scraped your knee or injured yourself in the process. But you kept getting right back up. Why was that? Because you knew that you had to endure that pain, for the end result was worth it. And then you got up, sat yourself on your bike, placed your foot on the pedal, and off you went on a smooth journey. You had overcome that pain and learned something invaluable from the experience.

These tough times are exactly the same. Once they are over, you will realize the importance of the things you have learned. And then you will be grateful for having had the chance to grow into a beautiful and strong person.

OTHER PEOPLE’S NEGATIVITY IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM

You must have heard the proverb,

“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

Difficult times are the same. However, during these difficult times, you will come across many people, who will let you down. Troubled times show, who your true friends are. If you are surrounded by negative people, then it is better to be without company for a while. Negativity will only make you feel worse. Try to be friends with people who lift your spirits, when everything seems to be going downhill. If you feel worse by being in someone’s company, then stop hanging out with them. It’s time to put your foot down and let them know you will not take their negativity any longer.

It is important to look at the beauty of life. You may be facing troubled times now, but life wasn’t always this way. Keep reminding yourself of the happy days you experienced, and look forward to a better future.

There Are No Highs without Lows

Remember, things never remain the same. The world is in an ever-changing loop. The only thing constant is “change.” Life is not a bed of roses. Things do not always go your way. At times, you will face disastrous days, while at others the sun will shine bright and new, with everything going your way.

When life is better, we have high expectations. The higher our expectations, the harder we fall when things do not work out. Therefore, it is better to always be prepared for the low times. Similarly, when the low times are over, good times will begin again. You might consider the times you are experiencing right now as the lowest point of your life. While for others, the same time may be the highest.

Therefore, always be grateful for all the blessings you have. And smile, for life is short, and happy moments are short lived. Make the most of your experiences. Keep reminding yourself that the sun will emerge and light will shine upon you once more.

These are five of the most important things you should remember, every time you feel down. Things may seem to be going against your wishes right now, but in time you will appreciate how everything turned out. Trust yourself and keep striving for the future. It will all be worth it in the end.

I’m curious – what’s the number one way that you have turned a challenging situation around in your own life?

If you have any extra ideas or questions on the topic please share them with me in the comment section below.

All the best,

Daniel

Daniel is the founder of Entrepreneur Abroad, father of two amazing children, coach and passionate about motivating and inspiring others to start something that matters . Check out his services at entrepreneurabroad.com or follow him @thinkbiggerr

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