Do you spend way too much time under trees hoping for a sudden enlightenment, but nothing comes. Is enlightenment your ultimate goal in life?

In this article I would like to share with you some common traits of enlightened people and give you the opportunity to check out how enlightened you are.

Here are 8 characteristics of people who know what’s up.

They live in the now

They understand that the past and the future are only a mental constructions created by their mind and have nothing to do with their true essence. In reality, we always live in the now. When we think of the past or the future it can only be in the present. Their intense focus on the present lead them to perceive a strong sense of aliveness in everything around them.

They make nothing a means to something else

They have no purpose because they are already complete. They enjoy every activity they do for the sake of it not for what it may bring them in the future. They don’t spend their time wishing they be somewhere else. They don’t wait for anything to come. Nothing they are doing is a means for an end. The spiritual teacher Ram Dass has a sticker on his car that say “I’d rather be here now”. What are you waiting for?

 They are egoless

Because they live in the now, they don’t care about their “personal story” that is, a story solely based on their interpretation of past experiences. Their ego disappears because it is nothing more than a mental construction based on thoughts. It is not our true being.

Failure, success, honor, disgrace, recognition or money means nothing for them. Those are mere social conventions. They don’t need to impress anybody. They don’t care about what people think of them. They live their life and have no worries.

They realize their body and their mind is not who they are

The entire cells in our body are renewed every 7 years and our thoughts just come and go so both our body and our mind cannot constitute the essence of who we really are. They experienced the awareness, the presence beyond their body and their mind. They become the witness of their own body and mind, and observe the world with detachment.

They don’t take life seriously

For them the world is a playground where they simply witness things happening while remaining completely detached from them. They understand that absolutely nothing that happens in the world have the power to affect their true essence.

 They don’t care how long they are going to live

Because they live in the present, the idea of time disappears. We can only live in the present, and the present is timeless. If we stop thinking, our idea of past and future disappears. Then, dying in 5 seconds or in 50 years doesn’t matter anymore. That’s what Marcus Aurelius was talking about when he said “the longest-lived and the earliest to die suffer an equal loss”, that is, the loss of the present moment which is the only thing we have. Everything else is a mental construction.

Since we always think of the past in the present, it doesn’t really matter whether we are 70 or 20. Our past is still an illusion; a trick our mind is playing on us. We are unlikely to be happier by remembering the accumulation of 70 years lived than by remembering only one great memory that happened yesterday. Anyway, shouldn’t we enjoy the present moment rather than remember the past?

They live their own life and let others do the same

They are free and let others be free. They have no expectations of others and demand nothing to them emotionally speaking. They don’t expect anyone to bring them fulfillment and are not responsible to fulfill other people either. They understand they have no right to force people to stay with them. By the way, is it real love if you cling to others and refuse to let them go? Is it real love if your happiness comes first and their happiness come second?

They are happy by themselves

They are back to they natural state, that is, the state of happiness experienced by little children. Their happiness comes from within. They don’t need anyone or anything to make them happy. They truly enjoy the company of others but they don’t cling to them. They are happy being with others but they are also perfectly happy being alone.

What about you? How much have you in common with enlightened people? Are you ready to let go of your current identity and find what is behind? The ball is in your court.

Thibaut Meurisse is the founder of whatispersonaldevelopment.org. Obsessed with improvement, he dedicates his life to finding the best possible ways to durably transform both his life and the lives of others.

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Are you feeling alone in life?

Does it seem like you have no one to talk to but yourself?

Is it impossible for you to make friends, while everyone else is having a good time?

The loneliest time in my life was after my divorce. Not only did I withdraw from my social circles and professional colleagues, I withdrew from my family as well.

I kept to myself, hurting and lonely.

This went on for a couple of years. Then I got tired of being lonely.

You, too, may be experiencing loneliness in your life.

Maybe a rocky event has left you isolated and alone.

Or maybe you’ve always been a quiet and reserved person who enjoys spending time by yourself, but now you’re thinking that you’ve had too much alone time.

It’s time to start meeting people and letting others into your life.

Yes, you can still enjoy your alone time, but if you’d like to feel a little less isolated, here are 10 ways to overcome loneliness:

1. Learn to enjoy your alone time.

“There is a very secret sweetness about being alone that you will miss if you fear it so much.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Before you can be comfortable with other people, you must be comfortable with yourself.

How are you doing on your own?

Yes, you’re lonely, but are you enjoying the loneliness?

“How do I enjoy loneliness?” you ask.

Find activities you enjoy doing by yourself. Visit places you want to see. Attend cultural events or the museum on your own.

Can you enjoy the experience by yourself? Can you do something you’re passionate about and have a good time doing so?

If don’t enjoy alone time, take part—by yourself—in activities that interest you. Try to enjoy yourself.

Get excited about and wrapped up in topics and activities you like.

Before you bring others into your life, find ways to appreciate your alone time.

2. Be comfortable with your thoughts and feelings.

Take note of the thoughts you have and the emotions you experience when you’re alone.

Are you comfortable sitting with them? Do they overwhelm you?

To observe your thoughts, create down time during which you do nothing. Practice silence. Become mindful of your thoughts and emotions.

Watch them wash over you like waves in an ocean. You don’t need to attach yourself to these thoughts or become a prisoner of your emotions. Let them pass. Be a silent observer.

If either your thoughts or your emotions overwhelms you, write them down or talk to someone about what you’re experiencing. Learn to manage your thoughts and emotions when you’re alone.

Acknowledge them. Feel them. Embrace them. And be at peace with them.

3. Confront your mindset.

You are worthy and people want to know you.

Before you try to meet people and cure your loneliness, know that you have a couple of mental hurdles to get past first.

If for any reason you believe you’re not good enough or worthy enough or lovable enough, you have a dilemma.

If you’re not okay with yourself, work on that issue before you meet others. No one else will complete you, fulfill you or make you whole.

No friendship or relationship will be enough for you if you’re not enough for yourself.

Remind yourself about your good qualities. Tell yourself the reasons you’re a good person and you’re worthy of forming relationships with others.

Take steps to improve your relationship with yourself. Check out the free ebook I wrote about this very topic.

Throughout your life, others have valued your personality, uniqueness and friendship. Today, people will want to know you because you’ll be there for them. You’ll give others your time, your interest, your companionship and your friendship.

You do have something to give others and people do want to know you.

Anyone will want to meet someone who is kind, giving and compassionate.

4. Everyone is connected.

Another way to shift your mindset and meet new people is to realize that our egos have built walls around us and separated us from others.

If you believe that we are all one people and that we are all connected in this world, you will have an easier time talking to others.

If you look at the connectedness of nature, you know that we are all one in nature.

Your attempts to form relationships are simply acts of reaching out to another spirit—another human just like you, someone who lives in the same world you do.

My point here is that other people are not strangers – they’re neighbors, they’re friends and they’re people traveling on the same journey you are.

Find a way to step out of your comfort zone and meet someone new.

5. Do what you enjoy. Look for others to enjoy it with.

If you enjoy a particular sport or hobby, continue participating in it or, if you’ve stopped doing it, take it up again.

Instead of doing it alone, look for groups of people who are doing it together.

There’s no easier way to break the ice than by participating in something you’re passionate about.

Even if you’re not enjoying the company of others, or if you’re feeling awkward about being there, at least you’ll enjoy the activity.

You can find people who enjoy your passion in Meetup groups, in Facebook groups, or at the local community center. You can also look for notices on library bulletin boards or other community announcement boards.

6. Say “yes” when your mind defaults to “no.”

If you’re open to meeting other people, be prepared to say “yes” when you receive an invitation to an event.

Be prepared to go to events you normally wouldn’t attend.

Be prepared to go to events where you might not know any of the other guests.

Attend events you normally wouldn’t.

Get out of your house even if your every thought throbs with the word “no.”

Attend events with an open heart and an open mind. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll never go back. The best thing that can happen is that you’ll meet new people and form a new group of friends.

Taking a risk will pay off with less loneliness in your life.

7. Go where the people are.

Look for lectures, community gatherings, parades and talks.

Look for topics and speakers that interest you.

There’s always time before and after an event to meet new people.

Be more proactive in searching for community gatherings. Once you find them, attend them. Once again, look for topics that interest you so that you’ll be around a community of people you share interests with.

8. It’s not a popularity contest.

Remember, your goal isn’t to meet as many people as you can.

Unless you’re a politician running for office, your goal should be to have quality conversations with a few people who can become your friends.

Also, large groups of people may intimidate you.

Chat with a small circle of people and attend gatherings or events with the goal of forming quality friendships.

You don’t need to meet 50 people—you just need a connection with one.

9. Spend more time with the people already in your life.

Engage with the people you see on a daily basis.

Every day you encounter—and ignore—countless people in the subway or at work. How about talking to them for a change?

How about reaching out to friends, family and acquaintances and building up those friendships?

You get out of relationships what you put into them.

Make an effort to call, reach out, email and visit people already in your life. Start upping your commitment to people you already know (as long as you enjoy their company, of course!).

10. Don’t play the comparison game.

Focus on your life and your desire to make friends.

Try not to compare yourself to “popular people” who seem to have it all, including lots of friends.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Your friends who are surrounded by other people might have shallow and passing relationships.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter what others are doing. Don’t let their experiences inhibit you or make you feel bad.

In that regard, keep an eye on what your “popular friends” are doing on social media. If their Facebook feeds and Instagram accounts are annoying, hide those feeds so that you don’t have to keep up with their lives.

You don’t need a lot of friends to break the wall of loneliness – you just need a few.

The bottom line on loneliness: you can break out of it by taking action, getting out of your comfort zone and meeting new people.

Take the risk of breaking through your mental barriers; a richer and more fulfilling life awaits you.

Vishnu coaches people to transition to more meaningful work and live a more purposeful life. For the ebook, “11 ways to discover your highest purpose and transition out of your profession”, visit http://ift.tt/RSZdxN

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History is a great teacher. Whatever challenge you are facing today, you can be sure that someone else has faced it before. Thousands of years ago, people’s lives were a lot more challenging than the lives of people today. Warfare, lack of food, diseases were a constant threat. Yet people were still able to overcome these challenges, survive and even lead happy lives.

From these ages, comes timeless wisdom that is as inspiring and pertinent today, as it was thousands of years ago. This ancient wisdom has served as a guide for people throughout the ages, and it can inspire you as well. Use it to get a sense of direction and tackle the challenges that life throws at you.

“A man’s character is his fate.” Heraclitus

Your outlook on life will determine how you will fare in life. Yes, the world can be a mean place sometimes, but there is no use in complaining about it.

You need to take matters into your own hands and face all the things life throws at you head on. A person who has a strong will and self-discipline will conquer, while the weak person who only complains and does nothing to improve themselves will continue on living a measly existence.

“The ideal man bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of circumstances.” Aristotle

You always have to count on something happening in life that will derail your plans. Don’t sulk in despair. Use it in order to drive you to achieve even more.

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius

There will always be obstacles on the way. You will fail more times than you will succeed. However the only thing you can do is to get up again, brush yourself off and continue on your journey. That’s where your greatest triumphs will come from. A successful person is also usually a person who has failed thousands of times over.

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” Epicurus

You rarely become great just by circumstances and without challenges. In fact, it is the difficult times and the way you handle them that make you great. The next time when you face a challenge, don’t back down, instead overcome it and learn from the experience.

“Our life is what our thoughts make it.” Marcus Aurelius

Your life is what you make of it. If you think everyone is against and you are helpless to overcome all this negativity, then you will continue on living a miserable life. However if you realize that your life is in your hands and instead decide to face your worst fears and start on a journey of self-improvement, then your life will only get better.

You need to visualize success and work for it. Only with hard work will you be able to achieve your goals.

In the ancient times, people from all over Ancient Greece and beyond used to go the Oracle of Delphi to ask for guidance. High on the temple walls were carved out a series of simple maxims, words of wisdom, which are as true and applicable today, as they were thousands of years ago:

“Know thyself.” Delphic maxim

“Know your opportunity.” Delphic maxim

“Cling to discipline.” Delphic maxim

“Test the character.” Delphic maxim

“Work for what you can own.” Delphic maxim

“Live without sorrow.” Delphic maxim

“Do not tire of learning.” Delphic maxim

Take these to heart and return to them whenever you feel you are losing direction or need a kick in the ass.

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Peter is a world traveler interested in fitness, history, learning languages, as well as many other things. He shares his thoughts on fitness, history, and self-improvement on his blog: Gain Weight Journal.

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Shannon Clark has a degree in Exercise Science and is an AFLCA certified personal trainer. She has written on the topics of health, fitness and nutrition for almost a decade. Her insights are regularly published on BodyBuilding.com, MyFitnessPal and FitRated.com. FitRated is a leading fitness equipment review site offering insights on equipment, workout plans and weight loss strategies.

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Many of us often make big decisions at the start of a New Year. In the UK, for example, January 5th (the first working day after Christmas) was dubbed “divorce day” because it’s the busiest time of year for family lawyers as warring couples decide enough is enough. Some of us may commit to something less dramatic yet equally life-changing like finally sticking two fingers up at the job we’ve hated for years while others might decide it really is time to get fit and healthy.

Whether it’s the New Year or not, we all have to make big decisions in life and often we can find them tough to make because our heads get filled up with far too many things to consider, or our emotions get the better of us, or there’s that little voice inside that keeps saying: hmm, not really sure about that, are you? If this sounds like you in any way, read on to find out how you can encourage all those different parts to work together for you in decision-making. You can then feel more confident (and congruent) that you’re making better decisions that you won’t end up regretting.

I don’t know about you but I’ve always been able to detect a pattern in the decisions I’ve come to regret and for me a lot of those decisions were job related. I’d spend shed loads of time weighing up the pros and cons of a new job in my head and sometimes even jot them down on paper. I’d ask friends and family for their opinion and go through the same process of weighing up the pros and cons. I’d focus on how great I’d feel handing in my notice and leaving all the stress and frustrations of my current job behind. I’d feel good about the new challenges I’d be facing. I’d big up all the pros. And…..I’d choose to ignore the feeling in my gut that kept saying: I don’t know what it is, but something doesn’t quite feel right here.

Like many of us, I’d come to rely on my head more than my heart and gut so when it came to decision-making I always chose to place more importance on what my head thought was the right thing to do.

As a result, six months or a year later – you’ve guessed it – I’d be fed up with the job, banging my head against the wall and asking: why the hell didn’t I listen to my gut? It was right all along but I didn’t bloody listen!! Having learnt (the hard way) from similar situations, I’m glad to say I no longer ignore my gut, nor my heart for that matter.

When our different ‘centres’ (head, heart and gut) aren’t in tune/aligned with one another, trouble can brew big time. Not only do we end up feeling as if there’s an internal battle going on, but we can literally end up sabotaging ourselves because the part or parts we’ve chosen to ignore are trying to get our attention and prove they were right all along.

So in future, how can you make sure your centres are aligned so you can make decisions you feel more confident and congruent about? Read on to find out.

Whenever we need to make a big decision or change in our lives, it’s often a good idea to actively check in with head, heart and gut. You can do this by working your way through a checklist.

1. Think of a goal you’d like to achieve (your decision will generally be based around this goal).

2. For each statement below, check in with head, heart and gut and rate how strongly each centre feels in relation to the statement. Consider 1 as lowest and 5 as strongest.

My goal is important to me and I want to reach it. (How does head feel about this statement? How does heart feel? How does gut feel?)

 

It’s possible to reach my goal. (How does head feel about this statement? How does heart feel? How does gut feel?)

 

I’m capable of reaching my goal. (How does head feel about this statement? How does heart feel? How does gut feel?)

 

I deserve to reach my goal. (How does head feel about this statement? How does heart feel? How does gut feel?)

3. If you’ve scored 5 on every centre for each statement, go forward and conquer! Your centres are fully in tune with one another and you’re congruent about reaching your goal. A lot of the time, however, you’ll find you’ll have scored one centre higher than the others. If this is the case, hone in on the centre or centres that have scored low and ask yourself: what else would my head/heart/gut need to know, add to my goal, or believe in to be more congruent or confident? What can I do to make this possible?

By actively checking in with head, heart and gut the moment we’re about to make a crucial decision, we’re a) acknowledging our different centres or parts b) giving equal ‘air-space’ to each of them and c) taking note early on whether there’s any ‘dissonance’ so we can do something about it and make better, more aligned decisions.

So if you’re about to make a big decision, why not try checking in with head, heart and gut to see what difference it can make? I’d love to hear how you get on so please do let me know by leaving a comment below.

Jackie Mendoza is a change coach working with people who want to rebuild their lives when a relationship changes or ends. You can find out more and access free resources here: http://ift.tt/12rd17M

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“Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.” – Ellen DeGeneres

Whether you hate her, love her, gossip about her, or admire her. It doesn’t matter. Ellen DeGeneres is the real deal.

She keeps it real, she isn’t afraid to be herself, express her views or stand up for what she believes in. And I admire that about her!

I love and am inspired by people like that.

Here’s what Ellen DeGeneres can teach you about being yourself.

1. It makes you a happier person.

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” – Dalai Lama

And one of those actions is being your true self and doing what’s true to you.

I can guarantee you that if you do something out of character to achieve something, you won’t be happy afterwards.

If you go against your morals, beliefs, values, or act like something you’re not, you’ll be unhappy.

Ellen clearly demonstrates this with her personality, who she is, and what she stands for. And her positive attitude shows that.

If you want to be happy, start with being yourself if you’re not doing so already.

2. You’ll be more of an inspiration to others.

Self confidence is a worldwide problem that many of us struggle with.

It doesn’t matter what race you are, your background, culture, etc. We’ve all dealt with confidence issues at some point. Some more than others.

So having the courage and the confidence to be yourself is an inspiration in its self.

It puts you in a position to inspire others to do the same. Even If it’s not intentional! Ellen is clearly one of those people, and you can learn a thing or two from her.

3. Life is a lot more fun.

“When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things.” – Joe Namath

Ellen DeGeneres is a fun person to watch and listen to. After all, she’s not just an entertainer, she’s a comedian.

But that’s not the point. The more confident you are, the more fun you’re bound to have. And that only happens when you start to be yourself without fear of being judged.

Life’s no fun at all when you’re pretending to be something you’re not and feeling like a fraud.

You may say “easier said than done”, but that would be an excuse. Excuses, fun, and being yourself don’t mix!

Excuses, fun, and being yourself mix about as well as curry and milk in a bowl of cereal!

4. You’ll attract a lot of criticism (which is a good thing).

“To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” – Elbert Hubbard

Some days ago, a pastor accused Ellen of celebrating lesbianism (is that even a word?) and marriage to attract young girls.

I won’t go into all the details but the point is this. When you be yourself, expect a lot of criticism. But don’t let the fact that you’ll be criticized stop you from being true to yourself.

Doing something, saying something, and being something is better than the opposite.

Being yourself and being criticized for it just means you’re doing the right thing. So don’t let it stop you.

5. It shows you believe in yourself.

“You have to believe in yourself before anybody else believes in you.” – Ray LaMontagne

Self belief is a powerful thing. And it all starts with you.

Show me a person (like Ellen DeGeneres) who isn’t afraid to express themselves, and you’ll notice others are more likely to believe in what they say.

You know why? Because they believe in themselves, first and foremost. They’re not afraid to keep it real, and they could care less about criticism.

It all starts with you and it always will.

6. It makes you more confident.

“With confidence, you have won before you have started.” – Marcus Garvey

The more you get used to opening up and being honest, the confident you’ll become. And If you do it enough you won’t even have to think about it.

And when you don’t have to think or worry about it, you’ll be doing it on purpose. That’s the point you want to reach. That’s the magic of being yourself.

7. People will admire you.

“A leader is admired, a boss is feared.” Vicente del Bosque

And Ironically, Ellen shares a leadership quality that people admire. And that is honesty.

Honesty is admired by most, because it’s so easy to lie, deceive, pretend, be fake, and mislead people.

But honesty is a quality trait we all admire. And honesty is a major part of being who you’re meant to be. You want admiration? Start with honesty.

“I have a great career, and I have wonderful fans who really are supportive and loyal – because I’m not hiding anything from them.” – Ellen DeGeneres

8. It puts you in a position of power and respect.

“Personality has power to uplift, power to depress, power to curse, and power to bless.” – Paul Harris

The type of power I’m talking about is the power to uplift, influence, inspire and motivate others. The power to change others lives for the better.

And those types of qualities are respected. It’s easy to see Ellen uses her power to do exactly that. To influence, inspire, and uplift people rather than destroy people.

Being yourself, having the confidence to be yourself, and being honest can put you in that position. And that’s not bad at all because you’ll be able to contribute on a wider scale. 🙂

Leave your comments below, and please share this post. Lets get the word out!

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Theo Ellis is a blogger, author, and entrepreneur who’s committed to giving straightforward advice to help others grow. Specializing in topics such as – self confidence, self improvement, happiness, discipline and time management. You can find out more about Theo at his website – justbereal.co.uk

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“How come you never worry?” My wife asked.

In that moment, I had horrible flashbacks. The truth was, I used to worry constantly about future events and social conflict interactions in particular.

I had a Masters Degree in worrying and preplanning arguments and conversations in my head.

For 7 years, I had a boss who wouldn’t tell his employees what he wanted them to do, then get angry that they weren’t doing it. Ugh.

I was constantly on guard, planning my defense:

“If he says this then I’ll defend myself by saying THAT! Ha!”

It was exhausting.

Fighting battles in my head that usually ended up never happening was pointless, and I largely had no control over this.

It was awful.

Worrying  was just a version of negative self talk. I was defending myself from imaginary arguments because I was worried I’d mess up every situation and I’d have to defend myself.

Because deep down, I didn’t think I was good enough.

Whoa.

“I guess I have a system.” I replied to her.

So, what should you do about worrying?

• Realize that we ALL have worries and negative thoughts.
• The first step is simply acknowledging that these thoughts are happening. Let them, but start asking questions about these thoughts…
• Ask yourself questions:

“Can I control This? > No? > Then disregard.” “Is this outcome likely > No? > Then disregard.”

• Realize that this is a process. The more times you ask questions the easier it will be to ask questions and also destroy negative thoughts.
• Also, realize that new negative thoughts and worries can and will pop up over time.
• If you are in an environment that is triggering these thoughts (relationship, job, housing) then it might be time to reevaluate your situation, and possibly change your environment. Easier said than done, but everything worth doing is easier said than done.

Deeper Level: Why Do We Worry?

Now, for you weirdos (like me) let’s dig deeper to figure out where these worries and negative thoughts might be coming from.

Let’s go waaay back, through time and evolution.

In the 1960s Paul MacLean came up with the Triune Brain Theory. The Triune Brain Theory suggests that we all have 3 brains that evolved separately.

Each of these brains has a specific area of your inner psychology and personality that they are responsible for:

The Reptilian Brain: Aggression, Dominance, being territorial, basic survival mechanisms.

The Paleomammalian Brain: Emotions, Reactions, Memory, and Fear.

The Neomammalian Brain: Language, Abstraction, Planning.

Here’s an equation for ya:

Emotion + Fear + Reaction + Memory + Language + Abstraction = Negative Self Talk & Worry

So a likely cause of negative self talk is a reaction between your 3 brains.

Oh yeah, there’s also this wonderful thing called the negativity bias which is the psychological phenomenon by which humans pay more attention to and give more weight to negative rather than positive experiences or other kinds of information.

(I’ve written about negativity bias before in another context here)

When you woke up 9,000 years ago on the prehistorical savannah, what was the NUMBER ONE thing on your mind?

Survival.

Don’t get eaten.

What was that noise behind that bush?!

Have to get home to the tribe before dark.

This survival mindset served us well for millennia, we’re all here aren’t we?

Neuropsychologist Ph.D. Rick Hanson sums the negativity bias up perfectly:

“To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources (for dealing with threats and fulfilling opportunities). This is a great way to pass on gene copies, but a lousy way to promote quality of life.”

Think of the negativity bias as an outdated operating system on a computer.

Key Points To Remember:

• Worrying is something we’re all engineered to do from time to time. That’s okay.
• We have control over more than we think we do.
• Worrying about things that we can’t control is useless.

Final Thought:

Now that you have some more tools in your utility belt, what questions will you ask yourself next time you start to worry?

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About Jeff:

Jeff Callahan is a Social Skills Strategist and Coach for people looking to maximize their social skills and charisma.

Want more info on stopping negative self talk?

Read this: Confessions Of An Ex-Time Traveler

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Along my path and travels, I’ve found much inspiration and perspective through the people I’ve met along the way. These are people who challenge my limitations, invite new perspectives and ideas and simply make me see things differently. I’ve come to realize that who we choose to allow into our lives is one of the top influences to the quality of life we experience. We become the people we surround ourselves with- it’s so true. When I travel, I often find myself meeting people that I may not approach or stumble upon in my own city. Travelers are often explorers seeking expansive experience and opening their minds and hearts to what he world has to offer. I’ve found myself gravitating to people who think this way in my own city as well, although its sometimes a challenge when we are comfortable and not forced to approach people spontaneously. But I make it a priority because people who uplift, inspire, support, encourage and challenge are the people we deserve in our lives.  Most importantly, I enjoy spending my time with people who I truly connect with. In focusing on building those relationships with the people who I feel I resonate with, I’ve come to see 3 qualities that are often present when I’m truly connecting with someone. When we ask ourselves these questions, the answers become clear.

1 Does it feel natural?

I’ve found the best relationships to spark and grow in freedom and without much thought. They’re totally natural. We don’t over think, adjust or limit our authentic expression with each other. We feel free to be ourselves, to express different emotions and simply give ourselves the permission to be who we are. This kind of dynamic creates the space to truly connect. I’ve found that some of the most inspiring and authentic connections happened spontaneously, without expectation and in freedom.

2 Do we share similar passions and values?

We know someone is on our level when we can hold a conversation with them that captures our interest and keeps us engaged. For example, when I meet someone who is into travel, personal growth, writing and creativity or health and wellness, I get excited and feel more connected to them. I can relate. I am genuinely interested in getting to know the other and we are able to find common ground. We can talk for hours…seriously! I’ve found that in living my own passion and vision, the people I’ve met along the way who share similar passions support my passion- we feed each others’ passion. It’s amazing. It may be that we are interested in the same activities, however what I’ve found to be even more important is shared values.  For example, If I meet someone who also values growth and challenge, the way they go about living that value may be different from me, but we are still standing on the same ground and are able to relate to each other. They may have a YouTube channel, while I use my blog; we both value creativity and self expression. There are so many right ways to live the same value.

3 How Do I Feel in My Body?

This is perhaps the most important thing to pay attention to when we want to grow with and truly feel connected to the people around us. Danielle LaPorte, a woman who inspires me every day, has written “The Desire Map”, a book that describes how we go about setting goals by first identifying the way we want to feel. By knowing our “Core Desired Feelings” we are able to align our actions and choices, including who we spend our time with, to feel the way we desire. We want to feel good with the people around us, we want to feel energized, inspired, supported, fulfilled and connected. When we pay attention to how we feel and trust our instinct, the answers become clear. A great way to get clear is to do a 10 second gut check and ask ourselves the question, “Do I feel good, energized, at ease and connected with this person?”  Our instinct doesn’t life. Sometimes it’s about being really honest with ourselves and having the courage to trust the quiet voice within. From there, we will know who is meant to be in our lives.

Julie is passionate about everything personal growth and wellness, living the Wholehearted  journey and sharing it on her blog, http://ift.tt/1pooQtm

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So I’m going to turn 30 this year. Yep. The big Three ‘O’. And this is a post compiling what I’ve learnt and how they can inspire you.

My “credentials”?

My dad died of ALS when I was only 20, exactly two months before I enrolled into college. Despite graduating, I don’t work a conventional job. I’m doing my own thing now by being a writer and have finally hit success after a few years. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for over two years now. To throw in to the mix, I’ve had my heartbroken many times before.

Basically, I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs. I’m very grateful for the life I have, but from time to time, I do wonder why I’m dealt such a lousy hand.

Nonetheless, I still and always will fight hard for what I want.

1) Life is a mystery and that is a fact

Frankly, I don’t even know why my dad died. He got ALS one day and we knew there was no cure. That was it. After two years, he went away peacefully.

Seeing someone you grew up with go like that is extremely surreal and painful at the same time. It’s weird even. And sometimes, it’s no use fighting it.

You just try to make do with what you have.

2) Love your parents for they’re growing old while you’re growing up

And yup. Cherish your loved ones, especially your parents. While you’re growing up and learning about life your own way today, they’re only growing older.

3) Love is just a crazy energy that comes and goes as it pleases

You know, because sometimes you unexpectedly meet somebody and have perfect chemistry, while other times you’re seemingly forced into a breakup for reasons you cannot comprehend.

Love is indeed a crazy energy. So don’t be too shocked or sad when it comes and goes. Be grateful for the experience.

4) Don’t judge people because people are never what they seem

In other words, don’t perceive somebody according to their various labels.

My first girlfriend was a girl I met in church. She wanted the best for me through her religion and I thought that meant she couldn’t be that bad.

She cheated on me in the end and I had to find that out from her best friend.

So never judge somebody and base them on your own beliefs and ideas. People are not what they seem for everybody has their secrets.

5) Yet, learn how to judge people the right way

Although judging people is considered wrong by most, I personally think we can’t help it, so we might as well do it the right way.

For example, if you meet somebody for the first time and they’re extremely rude to the waiter, dump them. You don’t need such disrespectful people in your life.

6) Quit your job to do what you love only when it makes sense

I quit my job and jumped into starting my blog without knowing a damn thing. My savings depleted extremely fast and I felt miserable for a long time.

Don’t quit your job just because most successful people did it. Do it only when it makes sense. You do need the stability to fund and give you the drive to do what you love. Otherwise, you may end up making desperate decisions just to make money.

7) Money is important, but the bottom line is whether you want to chase it

To say money is important is naive and even arrogant.

Yet, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, if you do work specifically only to make money, you most likely won’t make much. It’s only when you come across as authentic and provide major value would you be able to make something people are willing to buy.

8) Be very wary of people who use flowery language 

“You’re lucky now cause I’m on my break” and “I don’t normally do this for others, but for you I will” are a couple of classics I came across many times.

It’s extremely easy to use mere words to come across as nice. Be wary of such people. They will be back for favors for sure.

9) People change, get over it

I’ve fallen out with over a handful of friends because I realized they are pretty toxic. And it was sad because they didn’t use to be like that.

But well, people change. It can’t be helped. It’s best to just move on.

10) Passion is not a golden ticket that solves all your problems

I’ve heard many people preaching, “Do what you love, and the rest will take care of itself.”

I think that’s bullshit. Passion or following your heart doesn’t solve problems.

Hard work and consistent effort do. That being said, passion doesn’t make you feel on top of the world all the time.

11) The world is not a secret place the media makes it out to be

I’ve been to the rural parts of Thailand myself and also interviewed a fellow location-independent blogger who’s been to more places.

Indeed, the world isn’t that scary. If you’re sensible and make smart choices, you’re safe. So don’t be scared. Travel!

12) Embrace your introvert side

Feel out of place at a party? Constantly disagreeing with the conversation your friends have? Don’t like to go out on weekends?

That’s okay. That’s great even. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and you’re certainly not weird.

Don’t ever let anyone sway you. Embrace your introvert side and keep growing the way you like it, alone.

13) Feel uncomfortable and do it anyway

That’s how you get out of your comfort zone. That’s how you stop procrastinating.

The main point is, you’re not supposed to feel super awesome about it. In fact, you may not even know what results you will get.

But at least, there are results. So just do it anyway. No excuses.

14) You’re not your job

You, [Insert your name] is not based on how high your income is, what you do at work, how much time you spend in the office and certainly not what your crappy boss says about you.

You’re many more things, like passion, love, ideas, worldviews or the difference you made in someone else’s life.

So don’t bring your job home. Clock out and that is that.

15) Don’t be too quick to criticize or punish somebody

You’re not perfect either. You make mistakes too and there’s a chance you will make the same mistake as others.

16) You don’t have to be first place in your passion

Passion isn’t about competition all the time. It’s good to push yourself and be motivated by prizes, but remember that passion is about expressing your art, craft and imbuing yourself in it whole.

Remember to have fun too.

17) Success is individual

Thus, stop comparing with others. It doesn’t matter if you’re not making millions or have adoring fans like a celebrity.

You have your own unique challenges and hence your own unique form of success. Embrace that and your true path will be revealed.

18) Enjoy school while you can

Because when you’re out there in the world, it’s back to square one. It is only when school is over you’ll start to wonder if this (likely your job) is all you’re going to do for the rest of your life.

19) Breakups hurt, but you’ll be fine

It hurts like mad. You may get depressed even.

But relax. You’ll be fine. Everybody goes through heartbreak. If they can get by, so can you.

20) If you don’t want to feel like an old fart, then start hanging out with people who don’t

Honestly, I always dreaded the big Three-‘O’. I thought I would feel old, sluggish and be forced into social norms.

But age is truly what you make it up to be. You can do anything you want. And if you want to feel like you belong, just hang out with others of the same age or older who still do what they love.

Age is just a number, but life can’t be made with numbers. You make it with real experience.

So make it awesome, memorable and incredible.

Something awesome for Pick The Brain Readers!

I hope you enjoyed the article! Want more ways to be happy?

Then you’re going to want my book. It’s free! Here it is:

12 Things Happy People Don’t Give a F**K About!

Time to shed the crap in life and start being happy! This free book is only available through this link to Alden Tan.

Alden Tan keeps it real at his blog and writes about motivation in unconventional ways. His two main passions are Bboying and writing. Check out his free report, 12 Things Happy People Don’t Give a F**k About!

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“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” – Bertrand Russell

Last year, I had a vague idea of what I wanted to do in life. Although it wasn’t crystal clear, because I lacked confidence enough as it was and giving the people closest around me a reason to put me down was quite honestly, too much to bear.

I wanted to inspire people. I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to finally join a gym.

But most of my goals seemed so out of sync with what everyone else in my area was doing, that if I tried to take a different path they might never let me hear the end of it. That’s where the change came in. I had a bit of an epiphany during the commence of 2014, and realized that I can’t live my life in constant fear of what the people around me will think.

There are a few things I had to change in order to let go of this fear of others opinions and become more independent. So this advice is to help anyone else reading who is stopping themselves from doing something purely because of someone else’s opinion.

1) Meet New People With Similar Ambitions

They say that more often than not, you turn out just like the 5 people you hang around with the most. Fear is an important factor within this statement, because hanging around with people just like you makes it a lot easier to do what you love and embrace it!

When I first decided I wanted to start a blog, I didn’t know anyone else that ran their own blog at all. None of my current friends did that’s for sure. That all changed within the first couple of months, as I began to connect with people running blogs who are setting out on very similar quests to my own, and it made things much easier for me as they were always there for support, advice and like-minded conversation.

It’s not to say that I forgot my existing friends, because if they’re great friends and they’ve always been there for me, why would I want to drop them for other people? It’s just worth bearing in mind that meeting new people on the same wavelength as you, can give you all the support and direction you need from a friend’s perspective.

2) Remove the Negativity From Around You

As far as my story goes, many of my old friends had a negative outlook on life, or more of a negative attitude towards it if you like. Which made it incredibly easy for them to put people’s opinions down.

For example, when I first suggested that I was going to join a gym, I was met with painful laughter from a few people, which I had to try and shake off. I’ve bulked up a lot since then and surprised many people in the process, but it wasn’t done without first removing this negativity from my life.

I started to withdraw myself from those people that were causing me doubt and emotional struggles, so that I’d be able to express myself more easily within groups and be comfortable sharing my goals with other people.

It’s helped me a great deal over the past year and got me further than ever before, so removing the negative and poor friends from your life can be a very important step in becoming more confident within your surroundings and losing the fear of others opinions.

3) Focus on the Friends You Trust

You probably have many different types of friends, but there will always be a select few that you trust highly. The ones that have always been there for you and supported you no matter what.If you’re ever looking for someone to talk to, these trustworthy friends of yours are definitely the people to go to because they should be understanding and incredibly helpful.

Back when I first wanted to start expressing my ideas and become more confident as an individual, I would talk to two or three friends singularly. I would share my goals, my new ideas and opinions on things, and they’d listen and it would actually turn into a great conversation.

These talks gave me a huge confidence boost because I now knew that some people understood and didn’t go against what I was talking about. So, gradually I began to open myself up to other friends within the circle, and it wasn’t long before things changed – I became more relaxed and my goals started to become reality.

Start with the friends you trust completely, and gradually open yourself up to people. It’s no good trying to conquer your fear by facing a large group of people right away. Build on your confidence gradually.

4) Remember Who Leads Your Life

The last thing to remember; more of a mental challenge rather than anything else, is to really grasp on the fact that you’re the one leading your life. You are free to do whatever you choose. Friends will come and go, and the majority of people you see everyday, you won’t see twice.

So go out and be confident, because the only person that will see every minute of your life is you, and your opinion of yourself is always the most important step in living a happy and peaceful life.

This more than anything, was something that hit me hard in 2014. I can go and do all the things above and definitely end up with a great group of supportive friends, but if we don’t all grasp the fact that we’re the only ones in control of our lives, then we’ll always feel captive and buried below the surface of doubt and fear.

It’s crazy to realize that most of the things we want to do in life, we end up not doing because we fear of others opinions and take on the situations. We fear talking to new people in case they reject us, we fear acting on our ideas in case they get shot down…
If we all mastered this fear and did exactly what we wanted to, just think how much happier we could all be.

Be confident, stay happy and never let others put you down.

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