You’re reading The 3 Reasons Why You Don’t need to ‘Fit in’, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Today, I have a very special message for anyone who feels like they don’t belong. I’m writing for the people, who look at the world they live in, or the schools they attend or the work environment they inhabit, and can’t find their place. The ones who, very sadly, try to change themselves in the hope they will become more accepted or perhaps, one day, ‘fit in’.

I’m one of these people and, in this article; I’m going to share 3 very powerful lessons I’ve learned which have enabled me to turn this feeling on its head and use it to my advantage.

So read carefully, apply the insights and you’ll be able to carve out your own place in this world without having to compromise your values or alter your personality.

My Struggle to ‘Fit In’

My first experience of feeling like I didn’t belong occurred when I moved to secondary school (I was 11 years old).

Suddenly, the whole game had changed. Being a kid, and becoming a teenager, was no longer about having fun, it was about being cool.

For some reason, we all had to dress the same and wear a certain type of clothes. If we wanted to seem grown up or hard, we had to smoke and later on drink and do drugs. And our value wasn’t determined by how good a person or friend we were, it was determined by how good you could make someone look if you were friends with them.

I couldn’t ‘fit in’ to this environment and as a result, I spent a lot of time on my own. I barely had any friends; I didn’t go to any parties and never celebrated my birthday. I have memories of sitting down next to kids in class and them moving because I was seen as the loner who nobody wanted to associate with.

My next experience of feeling like I didn’t belong occurred at University.

The problem here was that I didn’t drink. Back then, and I’m sure it’s the same now, the whole social scene, especially in the UK, revolved around alcohol.

However, I couldn’t understand why it was cool to drink to the point where you were physically sick. I didn’t understand how a night out was considered great if you couldn’t remember anything that happened the next day. And I thought that all of these ‘big nights out’ were just detracting from the bigger picture of where our lives were heading.

Again, I couldn’t ‘fit in’ and this time the consequences were worse. I went from having a couple of friends to having no friends at all. Baring a few pleasantries, I barely spoke to anyone for the whole 3 years, spending most of the time in my room. And the absolute highlight of my week, (and I’m ashamed to say this because I despise the place now) was a trip to McDonald’s on a Saturday night and then going to the cinema to watch a movie alone.

My last experience of feeling like I didn’t belong occurred when entering the world of work (or what some people describe as the ‘Real World’).

I was terrified at the prospect of working 40 plus hours a week for 40 plus years of my life in a job which, at best, I wasn’t passionate about and, at worst, bored my brains out. I couldn’t understand why so many adults accepted spending the majority of their life being somewhere they didn’t want to be, working with and for people they didn’t like and receiving little reward beyond their monthly pay cheque.

There was no way I wanted to be a part of this world so I decided to fight back. . .

Fast forward to now, and I’ve been successful in doing so. After many years of struggle and learning, I’m pleased to say that I’m happy, successful at working jobs that I enjoy, and have found a place and people with whom I belong.

If you’re currently feeling like you don’t ‘fit in’ then I’m guessing this is somewhere you’d like to be.

To help you get there, I’ll now share with you the 3 lessons I learned during my journey.

1. Reject the ‘Real World’

You don’t have to accept or live in the ‘Real World’ (or anybody else’s take on how your life should be). Our parents, bosses, colleagues, friends and the media use this term to stop us dreaming and make us conform to the small, limited world that they believe in.

But here’s the really exciting thing, it doesn’t have to be your reality. Accepting the ‘Real World’ with all its bullshit limits and restrictions about what you can and can’t do is just a choice. If you’re like me, and don’t want to have anything to do with it, then you’ve got some exciting options.

With 100% certainty in its success and validity, you can begin to create your world with its own rules for engagement, standards for how people should treat each other and control over how you use your time.

And the reason I say with 100% certainty is that the notion that there’s one way of living to which we all have to adapt is scientifically inaccurate.

Consider this (the following information is taken from a documentary called The Brain by David Eagleman), when we see and take in information from the world around us, there’s six times more traffic along the neurons between our visual cortex and thalamus and there is between our eyes and thalamus.

Why is this relevant?

Think of the Thalamus as the centre point of the brain, and the visual cortex as the storehouse and the eyes as the window to the outside world. Therefore, whenever we take something in from the world, there is 6 times more information about what we’re seeing coming from inside our brain than there is from outside.

This means our world is, largely, created within our brain and the meaning we give to the things we see, rather than being something outside ourselves.

Therefore, since you’re living inside your mind, you have every right to make your world a happy, harmonious one and are under no obligation to accept the world that is presented to you.

2. Not being ‘Normal’ is a Blessing

Have you ever asked why it is that, no matter how hard you try, you find it so difficult to ‘fit in’?

Don’t ever ask to be normal. You’re so much greater than normal. Embrace your uniqueness, show it to the world.

The Imitation Game is a brilliant film about Second World War hero and Enigma code breaker Alan Turing. Turing found it impossible to ‘fit in’. He was gay at a time when it was a crime to be so, a loner and didn’t care for the etiquette’s of society. He made an incredible contribution to the world yet The System treated him shamefully. After the war, he was medically castrated for being homosexual and his code breaking work was ignored due to the Secrecy Act.

This sent him into a deep depression, and towards the end of the film, we see him a broken, lonely man. His one friend, Joan Clarke, consuls him by telling him something that every person who regrets not being ‘normal’ needs to hear,

“No one normal could have done that [referring to Turing’s work]. Do you know, this morning, I was on a train that went through a city, that wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for you? I bought a ticket from a man who would likely be dead if it wasn’t for you. I read up on my work, a whole field of scientific enquiry, that only exists because of you. 

Now if you wish you could have been normal, I can promise you, I do not. The world is an infinitely better place precisely because you weren’t.” 

3. You are an Agent of Change in the World

There’s a brilliant quote from George Bernard Shaw and it goes like this,

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world,
The unreasonable man adapts the world to himself,
That’s why all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

You feel like you don’t belong because there’s something important you need to change. It may be other people’s attitudes, like Turing it might be a much needed invention or technology you need to develop, or it might be a unique path you need to walk that will result in uplifting others.

So don’t fight this feeling of not belonging. Instead, listen to what it’s telling you and act on it. People are going to tell you to live in the ‘Real World’, and that what you want to do is not possible, but they can’t stop you. The thing you thought was your life’s curse may actually be the blessing that’s going to open the doors to a life beyond your wildest dreams.

(This article is based on a talk I recently performed for Inspire’d Stage in London. To watch that version, click here.)

Special Offer for Pick the Brain readers!!! Want to learn more about how to use your unique gifts to live an extraordinary life? Then Click the link below and get your FREE eBook.

Escape The System: 50 Insights to help you live an Extraordinary Life

About the Author: Joe Barnes is creator of the Screw The System website and author of the critically acclaimed Escape The System. His mission is to give all Dreamers, Adventurers and Entrepreneurs the inspiration and information necessary to pursue their true calling. He also works as a hypnotherapist and tennis coach.

You’ve read The 3 Reasons Why You Don’t need to ‘Fit in’, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading The 3 Simple Steps to a Perfect Daily Routine (and how they can change your life), originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

People want to see changes in their life.

Every single day.

People want to have a better job, intellectual improvement, or, more generally, to accomplish any goal they set.

People don’t understand, however, how naturally you can change your life to include more productivity, energy, and concentration, from a few little changes in your daily routine.

In particular, productivity comes from small changes that happen to our health. There are three basic habits to practice through the day to vastly improve your health.

These habits are not actually regarding your research for a better job, or a sudden change in your life, they act on a deeper level inside of you.

Indeed, these habits have another role in your life, and when incorporated consistently, they can literally change your life.

They will allow you to understand the basics of a life devoted to success and continuous self-development; and, we all know that if you are pursuing a healthy life, you are undoubtedly pursuing a life full of accomplishments and ongoing personal improvement, expressly at the intellectual level.

Adjustments in your life will happen if you are on the right path – one that lets you live a healthier life.

What path is that? It’s composed of three main routines:

1) Physical Activity

This almost goes without saying – and yet it is imperative enough to repeat time and again. It’s not about preparing to climb Mount Everest (although that would be cool!) or having the most ripped body at the beach though. The habit of physical activity has much farther reaching implications – and, best of all, it takes just a 20-minute practice every day to improve health. “Mens sana in corpore sano” is a Latin byword that literally means: “The more you practice physical activities and keep your body healthy, the more your mind will be aiming towards productivity and success.”

Concentrated physical activity (having an elevated heart rate for 20 + minutes) – helps both your body and your mind, and is imperative to strike a balance, long term. Find a couple of exercises that stimulate you (a combo of both indoor and outdoor activities is best) and get to work! The benefits will begin almost immediately.

2) Meditation

Even for this routine (and in the next case too) the requested amount of time spent practicing it is about 20 minutes. You don’t have to be an expert. You can do it perfectly just as a beginner, following those simple steps:

– Take your time, evaluate how much time you need to feel more relaxed and with a clear vision of your situation. Meditative sessions can last from 10 to 30 minutes, so it’s up to you to understand your necessity.
– Concentrate on your situation, which is definitely this: follow your breath, focus on it and let your thoughts go away.
– You can help yourself repeating a word (i.e. a mantra). Check up on the wiki’s what are the most used mantra for meditation.

The benefits of meditation are well-known. The levels of endorphin are higher than usual. The endorphins are covering a significant role in activating the immune system of the body; then, they increase the amount of antibodies, that help to fight disease. In stressful situations, you have immediate benefits due to a feeling of peace and satisfaction. Meditation helps at the physical level in the prevention and treatment of diseases that are difficult to heal concerning mental and emotional therapies. It contributes to achieving spiritual balance and to achieve the highest level of enlightenment too. Those who practice meditation easily stop smoking, stop drinking and stop taking drugs, leading a healthy life to happen. They will enjoy more their life and will find interests and new hobbies continuously, resulting in a well-balanced life and in a great mood.

3) Reading

This could sound a little bit odd, but I would definitely suggest this routine.
Why?
Because after we have supported both our body with physical activity and our spirit with meditation, we have to feed our mind.
You can take just 20-30 minutes of your time, per day, to improve your language, your IQ, your critical sense. Having a good case of knowledge, acquired by the books you are more interested into, is the only motivational goal you have to reach, every day, to pick up the fundamentals pieces of a successful life and start to build it.

However, this process is not free. You have to pay. What’s the price?

You have to pay all this process with a constant willpower.

You have to be determined in following the three mentioned routine, at least every two days, to guarantee a healthy life.
If you are not able to sustain those habits because you are lazy or use to practice bad habits, you are driving on the wrong way.

Keep your health at the best levels and your life will be astonishing and full of rewards.

You’ve read The 3 Simple Steps to a Perfect Daily Routine (and how they can change your life), originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading How Board Games Can Make You a Better Person, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

It’s no secret that play is essential to learning. We learn best when we’re having fun. For this reason, games are widely acknowledged for encouraging development in a variety of different areas: empathy, reasoning skills, mathematical ability and vocabulary – to name a few.

Whatever aspect of yourself you’d like to improve, there’s a game for it. Educational games are used as experiential learning tools in schools for children of all ages, and some have even touted the benefits of playing puzzle games and doing crosswords in staving off Alzheimer’s disease and neural degeneration associated with old age.

The kings and noblemen of medieval times would test their wits and fortitude in games of chess against one another. In the ancient Greek kingdom of Lydia, the people survived famine for 18 years by eating only every second day. On days they didn’t eat, they’d distract themselves from hunger by inventing and playing games.

When we think of games today, most people think of immersive PC or video games like Call of Duty or addictive mobile apps such as Candy Crush, but it’s important that we not overlook the many advantages of bonding with family or friends over a good old-fashioned board game.

Here are just a few reasons why you might want to get out some of those dusty boxes in your cupboard and start planning your next games night:

Games can make you more successful

Strategy games, such as Monopoly and Robert Kiyosaki’s Cashflow, teach logic, critical thinking and analytical skills while demonstrating the advantages of investing, financial independence and economic responsibility – crucial skills for success.
Cashflow, for example, has players caught in a “Rat Race” – a circuit on the board that you can only escape from once your passive income exceeds your monthly expenses. Once out of the Rat Race, players are moved to the “Fast Track” and only then stand a chance of winning the game. The game remains fun and entertaining for players (ages 14 and up) while teaching basic accounting as well as valuable, real world, fiscal insights.
Another strategy game worth mentioning is the award winning game, The Settlers of Catan, where players must engage in a strategic feudal conquest to compete for land and resources on the fictional island of Catan. The game is simple enough to learn to play that it is suitable for players of any age. Because of the infinite possible outcomes, the game remains exciting and nuanced even for more experienced players.

Games can make you a more interesting person

We all know the stereotype of the sweaty nerd playing Dungeons and Dragons with his equally awkward and equally male friends in his mother’s basement, but this stigma couldn’t be further from reality. The surprising truth is that role-playing storytelling games like D&D, World of Darkness and Aye, Dark Overlord! are great for building confidence and social skills by requiring players to exercise creativity, verbal intelligence, problem solving skills and even acting. Imagine all the benefits of reading, writing and spending time with friends all rolled together!
Dungeons and Dragons relies heavily on the creation of characters and storytelling. Finding interesting character quirks and drawing from personal experience enriches the game, and may even boost your own charisma.
Aye, Dark Overlord! involves similar quick thinking and imaginative storytelling, as players assume the roles of the goblin servants of an evil overlord (a preselected game master). Using card prompts, the players must then weasel their way out of wild accusations thrown at them by their merciless leader. This game not only requires wit, creativity and skilful negotiation, but also an enormous sense of humour. It’s said that no one can teach you how to be funny, but you’ll definitely get your practice in playing Aye, Dark Overlord!

Games can improve reaction time

Intelligence is not just about how much you know or good you are at solving problems, it’s also about how quickly you can operate at a level of efficiency. Games such as Speed, Jungle Speed and Snap are excellent for teaching or developing dexterity and quick reaction time. Whether you’re a parent wanting the best for your child, a teenager or adult simply wanting to sharpen up the reflexes, or a fighter pilot whose ability to make split-second decisions could mean the difference between life or death, you’re sure to benefit.

Other ways games can improve overall intelligence

UNO is a great game for anyone looking to improve their ability to pay attention, as your success depends on concentrating on not allowing your opponents to run out of cards before you do.

There’s no better way to improve vocabulary than by playing Scrabble. Scrabble rewards players who can arrange the most uncommon letters into the longest words. Playing with people much better than you is a great way to expand your lexicon (if you can resist the urge to throw a dictionary at your cocky wordsmith friends.)

Dixit is a clue-based party game that dazzles you with imaginative artwork while training you to decipher often cryptic clues given to you by your opponents. The great thing about Dixit is that the difficulty of the clues relies entirely upon the creativity of your fellow players and so it can easily be adjusted to be suitable for players as young as six years of age.

The right game for the right age

To get the most out of the board games you buy, be sure to choose the right game for the right age group. A game should be just advanced enough to be challenging for younger players without becoming frustrating. Conversely, children may grow out of games designed for younger players because there is not enough of a challenge to occupy their attention.

Remember, it’s just a game

In the end, it’s important to remember that while educational and often thoroughly involving, the point of games is to escape from the troubles of everyday life and become immersed in the world of fun and imagination. As in life, the important thing is to win and lose gracefully. If you take either too seriously, it ceases to be fun. The point is to learn, have some fun and enjoy spending time with the people you love.

David J Salmon is an editor and blog writer for writers-house.com. He’s passionate about reading fiction, watching good TV series and giving good advices on self-development and creative writing. Follow him at: Twitter, Google+

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You’re reading How To Find the Power in Your Story, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Sometimes we feel powerless in our own life. We feel as though nothing we do is working in our favor. Life can feel like that. We have all had those moments, days or even weeks where life felt like – and was – a hard slog. Yet if we look more closely we can find that we still have power in our story, in our life.

We can find power in our story because we are the ones writing our story. It’s the distinction between events and story. The things that happen to us are often out of our control but we are in complete control of the story that we write around those events.

Think back to a time when you and someone else experienced an event that, when you spoke of it later, was remembered differently by each of you. Can you recall how surprised you were that they had a different recollection than yours? Right there, in that difference in recollection, is where story lives.

In order to make sense of the things that happen in our life we create a narrative, a story, around the event. This is what we all do. And that is where the gift of story lives. We get to choose what story we write. We get to choose what a given event means for us. That means we can choose to find the point of power in our difficult experiences.

When I was in my 20’s my best friend died of cancer. It was a devastating experience but within the devastation was the lesson of loving my friends and family deeply and consciously. I learned not to take the gift of them in my life for granted. I learned about courage and grace in the face of imminent death. I learned that I could survive that grief and come out the other side a stronger and more compassionate person. That was the story I chose to write because to do otherwise would be to disrespect the memory of my dear friend and the lovely soul she was.

I could have chosen to write a different story. A story of the unfairness of life that a young, kind, funny, smart and beautiful person was taken so soon. I could have written a story about how unfair it was that my beloved uncle had died of cancer just a few months before my friend’s diagnosis. I could have written a story of bitterness and anger at the loss of two people I loved so deeply.

In this case the choice was easy because it was so clear to me that to embrace bitterness would be the polar opposite of the response my uncle and friend would want me to have. But the choice isn’t always so clear. What about when someone has truly wronged you? What about when someone has intentionally done something that was damaging to you? How do you choose a different story then?

We choose a different story by recognizing that it is our choice. We choose a different story by understanding that we, first and foremost, will be impacted by our choice. Our happiness and our peace of mind are within our control.

Finding the power in our stories requires that we take the story apart and actively look for the lessons we can learn. We have to ask what can be difficult questions: What did I do here that I am happy about? What did I do that I regret and don’t want to do again? What lessons can I learn that will help me in the future?

In my case I learned to not leave things unsaid to those I care about. I learned that I can survive things I didn’t think were survivable. I learned that the power is in how I decide to hold my story, not in the events that create my story.

So when you find yourself struggling with an event that leaves you feeling out of control take a moment, take a breath – or several, and consider what your ideal response to the event would be. You aren’t trying to change the circumstances – if only we could. What you are trying to do is use the power of choice to get the best out of the event that you can.

As you write the story of what happened, be conscious about what pieces of it you wish wish to take going forward. Find the pieces that empower you and build your story on that foundation. Look for the opportunities to expand your capacity to love, to improve communication or to simply learn so that next time you make a better choice. Uncover the elements that will contribute to you being able to grow from what has occurred. Writing your story isn’t about changing the truth, it’s about finding the lessons we can learn and the places within where we are truly strong.

We often have no control over the things that happen to us but we have complete control over our response to events. Choose thoughtfully, create a story that enriches and expands your life. Create a powerful story that supports the highest vision you have for your life.

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Omkari Williams writes, speaks, and coaches on story and creativity. You can find her at omkariwilliams.com

You’ve read How To Find the Power in Your Story, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading 3 Public Speaking Brain Hacks From A Psychiatrist, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

The ability to speak clearly, persuasively, and empathetically in front of an audience – whether an audience of ten or of thousands – is one of the most important skills anyone can develop.

People who are efficient speakers come across as more comfortable with themselves, more confident, and more attractive to be around. Being able to speak effectively means you can sell anything – products, ideas, ideologies, worldviews, and, more important, yourself.

It seems that everybody knows that. There are tons of articles about public speaking explaining about presentations techniques, giving tips and hacks.

However, as a psychiatrist for the last ten years, I’m missing something.

Those articles tell us to make eye contact, to be vulnerable, to be funny if we can, to be ourselves, to let go of our egos, to tell stories. They say not to ramble, not to go on about matters that no one else is interested in. And they keep saying “stay calm.”

It’s all good advice, and it looks great in theory, but the practice is a little bit different.

If you get nervous before giving a speech, you probably know that there is a difference between theory and practice.

And you are not alone.

Research show that 48% of the American population has some degree of public speaking fear, and a survey from Harvard Medical School estimates that the lifetime prevalence of extreme public speaking fear, characterized as social anxiety disorder, is 12.1%.

When we turn these statistics into numbers, we see that 140 million Americans would get nervous before giving a speech.

To overcome the fear of public speaking is essential to go beyond simple tricks and understand how your brain works when you are giving a presentation.

Here are 3 brain hacks to improve your public speaking skill:

Public Speaking Brain Hack #1: Change your thoughts

When you get nervous before a presentation, you have automatic thoughts and beliefs that contribute to your fear, like:

“People will think I’m stupid.”
“I’ll end up looking like a fool.”
“I won’t have anything to say.”
“My voice will start shaking.”
“I’ll seem boring.”
“I’ll blush.”
These thoughts are like traps. When you fall on them, you become anxious.

The first step is to recognize the automatic thoughts that underlie your fear. For example, if you’re worried about a future presentation, the underlying thought might be: “I’m going to blow it. Everyone will notice that I’m nervous.”

The next step is to analyze the thought. It helps to ask yourself questions about the automatic thoughts: “Even if I’m nervous, will people necessarily notice it?” or “Do I know for sure that I’m going to blow the presentation?”.

Through this analysis of your automatic thoughts, you can gradually identify some unhelpful thinking styles or think traps (check the most common think traps here).

Public Speaking Brain Hack #2: Learn to relax

Several changes happen in your body when you get nervous. But, there are techniques to teach you how to relax and reduce physical responses to anxiety.

One of the first body response in anxiety is that you begin to breathe racing. Rapid shallow breathing leads to physical symptoms of anxiety, such as a feeling of suffocation, increased heart rate, muscle tension, and dizziness.

Learning to slow your breathing down can help you bring your physical sensations of anxiety under control. Here is a breathing exercise to help you keep your calm in social situations.

Public Speaking Brain Hack #3: Face your fear

One of the most important things you can do to overcome the fear fo public speaking is to face it.

While avoiding momentarily uncomfortable situations may help you feel better in the short term; it prevents you from learning how to cope in the long term. In fact, the more you avoid a feared social situation, the more frightening it becomes.

While it may seem difficult to face a feared social situation, you can do it by taking it one small step at a time.

In other words, it’s important to face your fears gradually.

The key is to begin with a situation that you can handle and gradually work your way up to more challenging situations. It’s like to climb a mountain. You’ll build your confidence and social skills as you move up.

It’s never a good idea to move too fast, take on too much, or force things. This strategy will backfire and strengthen your anxiety.

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José Hamilton is a psychiatrist on a mission to empower people to overcome social anxiety and feel more confident. He is co-founder and CEO at Youper, the first mobile platform to overcome social anxiety.

You’ve read 3 Public Speaking Brain Hacks From A Psychiatrist, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading The Psychology of Confidence: 5 Hidden Qualities of Bold Individuals, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Have you ever wondered what lies behind true confidence?

Sometimes it seems like there is a magic potion that separates highly confident individuals who act in the face of fear and everyone else who feel like they’re often going around in circles.

What psychologists will tell you is that there isn’t anything special behind these individuals, they’ve simply accumulated a series of habits and beliefs over time, either intentionally or by good fortune.

But before looking at these habits and beliefs, we need to go back and ask the question; what is confidence?

Confidence is simply the degree to which you believe that your actions will result in a positive outcome.

This is not the same as self-esteem.

Self-esteem is a more general feeling you have about yourself, where as confidence is the belief you have in your skills in a given situation. When most people say they want to be more confident, what they mean is that they want more self-esteem.

Unsurprisingly however, the more areas you become confident in, the more you are likely to naturally develop self-esteem.

Why do we want confidence?

Confidence is an evolutionary advantage that can help you approach whatever task is in front of you without hesitation or anxiety. It can allow us to do what we really want to do with our lives.

The problem is that most of the time the advice we get about how to be more confident can be a little generic.

“Fake it till you make it,” “Talk louder” or “Dress the part.”

To be fair, this isn’t terrible advice, it can actually have a positive impact on how you feel, but it doesn’t really instill you with the kind of deep confidence that results in real change.

Here are 5 hidden qualities of confident people.

1. They manage their outcome dependence

Confident people don’t worry about the outcome of a situation. Their attention is focused on the action or activity as opposed to the external result.

In the event that they fail, they see it as a learning experience as opposed to a reflection of who they are as a person or even how much they’re worth.

2. They assess themselves accurately

This might seem counter-intuitive, but to develop true confidence you need to have a little bit of brutal self-honesty.

If you have unrealistic expectations about your capabilities, you’re likely to get shocked and disheartened when things don’t go as you expected. On the other hand if you have an objective assessment of your skills, this is less likely to be the case.

Another important thing to consider here is that they are able to accept constructive criticism from others without getting defensive. The attention of confident people isn’t focused on whether others perceive them as competent but on how they can improve for the future.

3. They practice Positive Visualization

Ours brains have a difficult time distinguishing real memories and constructed ones. Self-assured people use this to their advantage by visualizing their competence in a certain area until their neural networks have been rewired for success.

One study revealed that weightlifters that practiced positive visualization found the practice almost as effective as the physical practice itself for performance enhancement.

4. They choose their activities carefully

You can’t be the best at everything and self-assured people know this. Instead they stick to what they known is going to make them confident.

For example, if they want to be a confident swimmer they might spend a lot of time running, because some of the skills are complimentary. But they’re not going to spend hours writing creative stories, because the overlap between the two activities is less significant.

Sometimes it’s simple enough to realize that if you want to feel confident, you should spend time just doing things your confident in.

This might not be what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. If you want to develop self-esteem, you need to need to push your comfort zone in a number of areas, but it is slow growth over time that will lead to deeper, long lasting confidence.

5. They develop their skills

To feel more confident you need to better yourself in the area you want to feel confident in, and the only way to do so is practice.

Again, this is pretty obvious, but it means being able to focus on one area for a sustained period of time until you’re competent, instead of letting your attention drift all over the place and getting what is known as ‘shiny objective syndrome.’

6. They take action!

As Dale Carnegie said:

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Attention Pick the Brain Readers!

Do you want to start your mornings off with habits that generate true confidence? 

Then grab a free copy of our new eBook: MORNING MASTERY: The Simple 20 Minute Routine For Long Lasting Energy, Laser-Sharp Focus, and Stress Free Living.

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Ben is a freelance writer, and the co-creator of Project Monkey Mind—a blog that helps you learn practical ways  to live a productive, fulfilling and world-changing life in the digital age.

You’ve read The Psychology of Confidence: 5 Hidden Qualities of Bold Individuals, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading 6 Steps To Take To Improve Your Social Skills and Defeat Your Anxiety, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Are you tired of being held back by your social anxiety? Do you always feel like you totally embarrass yourself after every social occasion even though the only “embarrassing” action you took was holding eye contact for more than 2 seconds? If all that relates to you, then read on and I will show you practical steps you can take to improve your social skills.

“But why should I take time and effort to improve my social skills?”, you might ask yourself, so before we get on to the 6 steps you can take to develop your social skills, let me first tell you why having excellent social skills is beneficial.

Why I should Improve my Social Skills

1. For business and the Job Market: 

Social skills are not only important in dating and parties, as a matter of fact, the most important part of having good social skills is to influence people in the business world. You might have excellent technical skills on the job you do, but if you can’t communicate with customers, ultimately and most probably, the person with better social skills will have your job. There are exceptions, but why take the chance? Right.

2. For Relationships 

Here, I am talking about both romantic and friendly relationships. In case of the romantic relationships, no matter how “hot” you think you are, nobody wants a partner who only has looks but you can’t relate to. This applies for both men and women. For friendly relationships, I think it is obvious for why you need social skills. The more relatable you are (which requires social skills), the more friends you will have.

3. For Developing Confidence

Many people on the internet claim there are shortcuts to having magnetic confidence, but the only practical way to develop confidence is to master skills. Confidence is a mindset where you are certain that you won’t fail on what you plan to do. Do you think regular public speakers (comedians, actors, motivational speakers…) have low confidence? No, you know why, because they have been in the situation for years, so it doesn’t faze them anymore. The same way when you apply the steps, I am about to give, below consistently you will be unfazed with social situations eventually.

Note: This is not a shortcut or overnight method to improving social skills. It requires consistent action and effort by your part, but eventually, the effort will pay off like it did for me, and you will be happy with the time you took.

15 Practical and Proven Steps To Take To Master Your Social Skills

1. Understand why your fear social situations and try to identify specific parts of interactions where you feel embarrassed and out of your comfort zone. The next time you are in a social situation where you aren’t comfortable, I want you to forget about the interaction and instead take notes in your mind for why you fear socializing. The more diverse your interactions; the better, so try interacting with men, women, elders, managers… and write why you fear the interaction

• Are you constantly thinking about what to say next and how to say it so that you don’t get embarrassed?
• Are you constantly re-positioning yourself so that you don’t look awkward, even though the only thing you are doing that is awkward is not sitting still.
• Take note of everything that is bothering your mind and making you unsociable. After that…

2. Write all the reasons you came up with and jot down under each why you have this irrational or exaggerated fear. For example, you might be afraid of being judged and laughed at if you say something wrong. Write for every single reason you came up with explanations for why you are afraid. You will find that for some of the reasons, you won’t have explanations 🙂 After jotting down everything that came through your mind…

3. Make a plan to confront that fear: I am pretty sure some of the excuses for your fear you came up with are just irrational and exaggerated, and in order for you to see that you are just irrational, you have to confront it and see how harmless the fear you have is. The plan is to go out and confront your fear; I know, it is scary, but I promise it is worth it. I suffered for the majority of my life thinking I could find an easier solution, but truthfully, there isn’t one. 

4. Improve your Physical Appearance: One of the reasons you came up with in Step 1 is probably that you are insecure about your looks and there is a solution for that. Take effort and time to improve your physical appearance. Many think that they are stuck with their looks but in reality there is a 1000 steps you could take to improve your appearance. You could improve your fashion and style sense; you could improve your facial appearance; you could lose weight and gain muscle mass by following Brandon Carters Channel; You could improve your body language and more.

Note: This step doesn’t have to be completed before going on to the next step, keep working on it while following the next steps.

5. Get a Job That Requires You to Utilize Your Social Skills: This is the step that completely eradicated my social anxiety and made me more sociable and you know why it works? Because you fear being fired more than interacting with strangers. It is like a therapy for your mind but you don’t pay 300$ per hour. The jobs I am talking about are waiting, hosting, retail service… Anything that requires constant interaction with strangers. If you take this action, I assure you social skills will skyrocket and your anxiety will start fading. If you want to take it a step further…

6. Embarrass yourself in Public: I am not saying you should make a complete utter fool out of yourself, but try to do something that grabs attention and try to cope with the attention by being unfazed and welcoming it. For example, go into a cafe and order something and eat by yourself. If you don’t fear this, try something more daring. But I know people who would rather not eat lunch rather than go out and eat lunch by themselves. Come up with things that embarrass you and do those things in public and eventually it will feel like a feather landing on your skin. NOTHING.

These are all the steps you need to take to improve your social skills; it requires constant effort and will not solve your problem in one day so keep at it and you will eradicate your anxiety and master your social skills.

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Yohan Michael is the owner and founder of Edgy Attraction. Over the last 5 years, he has transformed his life by defeating his social anxiety and improving his appearance and attitude. To get more of his articles, be sure to subscribe to his newsletter.

You’ve read 6 Steps To Take To Improve Your Social Skills and Defeat Your Anxiety, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading The ONE Thing You Need To Know To Face Your Fears, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

If you want to go fast, go alone,

If you want to go far, go together.

You’re strong.

You can do it.

In the face of hardship and frustration, such words of encouragement are useless.

When everything seems scary and impossible, we don’t feel strong and we don’t feel like we can do it. We feel like we’re not good enough.

That’s how I used to feel a month back. And that’s how I had felt for quite a while before it all changed.

No, I didn’t become stronger. I found out that I don’t need to be.

Here is what happened:

In a recent article on my blog I revealed to the world (and myself) for the first time my fear of driving. In short, that’s not the fear you’d expect – I wasn’t afraid of using a car, but rather of the possibility of failure. I was afraid that I was going to be a crappy driver and I was making up excuses to never practice.

This had been going on for about 8 years.

Finally, I decided to face my fear, and for me this means writing about it.

I wrote the article and even while publishing it I felt that I’ve taken a huge step towards embracing and overcoming this fear of failure.

But, as you might read at the end of the article, I wasn’t even close to ready to get behind the steering wheel.

Then something changed. And the funny thing is, it wasn’t me.

Take My Hand to Facing Your Fears

After I published that article I received an avalanche of emails, messages on social media and retweets from people who encouraged me to give it a try.

For example, my fellow writer, Alan Marsden, messaged me on Twitter saying that once I start driving I’d “never look back. (except when reversing).”

My family and friends talked to me about it and shared their experiences.

After hearing one of my excuses that “I don’t need a car or to drive anyway” my friend pointed out that I didn’t know that I needed it. She told me that I didn’t know what I was missing.

A friend who I met online thanks to an article I wrote and published online, Sree, shared his personal story about his own fear of driving, how it came true and how he still found the strength to keep going.

Even my own husband finally realized how serious my issue is and started taking me for a drive almost every day after work. I was driving.

Surrounded by all the examples, support, love, encouragement and energy of these people I drove our car.

I felt like I’m flying on the wings of a crowd that truly cared about me.

I grabbed the steering wheel and I did it.

And I was horrible. Or at least I felt so. But it didn’t matter because joy had taken over my brain. I was sweating, my mouth was dry, my heart was pouncing and my left leg was shaking like it’s bongo time. Those of you who have used a manual car will know why.

I did it. I faced my fear.

I was so proud of myself.

After my first attempt my husband even said that I was way better than he had expected because we didn’t crash the car.

And then it hit me-it wasn’t me who was driving. It was a crowd of people who had encouraged me, helped me and shared their stories and experiences with me.

They gave me the courage. They showed me that I was not alone. That I didn’t have to face my fears all by myself.

Each one of them was right there with me in that car. And it was okay to have them hold my hand while I was turning the key in the ignition.

I felt so strong. I felt so powerful. And yes, finally, I felt that I can do it.

But not because I was better or stronger or more resilient. Rather, because I knew so many people loved me and cared about me.

I knew that they, too, have walked this walk and they, too, have felt the same fear, doubt and insecurity. After I realized that, there was nothing that could stop me because that would mean I’m letting them down.

I drove the car by myself but I was standing upon the shoulders of a crowd of people who did it before me. I can never say I did it alone.

And you know what? That’s okay. I might have never gotten on the driver’s seat if it wasn’t for the helping hands and words of people around me.

I learned that I didn’t need to do it all by myself.

What about you? Have you forgotten the one thing that matters when facing your fears – that you don’t need to do it all by yourself?

In hope that you agree that we were never meant to be alone, I share with you the profound African proverb that has recently become my favorite:

If you want to go fast, go alone,

If you want to go far, go together.

Keep driving, keep going, and remember-there are four seats in a car, you don’t need to drive by yourself….

Antonia Zorluer is a designer, writer, content marketer, and the inventor of The FiveBand. She writes for businesses at work and for pleasure at her personal happiness blog mintyhideout.com where you can find inspirational stories and tips on using writing for a better life. She loves to connect and talk happiness and writing on Twitter and Google +. 

You’ve read The ONE Thing You Need To Know To Face Your Fears, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading Six Things Productive People Do Every Morning, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Is waking up in the morning basically torture to you? Do you find yourself drifting off and longing for your soft bed, the outsides, or those delicious pizza leftovers during a meeting?

Don’t beat yourself up, this is actually a pretty common occurrence nowadays. Fortunately, there are a few simple and very effective morning routine habits that will improve your creativity, productivity, and overall mood.

Eat a generous and healthy breakfast

No doubt about it, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It provides physical and mental energy to power you through the day. You will be able to better focus on your tasks and to be more efficient overall.

Although there are no restrictions when it comes to what you should eat in the morning no matter your shape or size, since you will use most of those calories during the day, if you want to get the best out of this meal you should look for high nutrients, vitamins, and minerals contents.

Exercise

I’m sure you already know exercising has many benefits for our general health and wellbeing, but did you know the best time to exercise is in the morning? A few minutes of intense physical activity will not only properly wake you up, but also oxygenate your brain. You will be able to focus properly, come up with solutions quicker and generally feel better about yourself.

If you’re like me and you feel like exercising is pointless since it involves no challenges, you can bike your way to work or ask someone to exercise with you, since this might bring out your competitive side.

Resolve your personal issues before work

Having distractions at work is practically unavoidable, whether we’re talking about a conversation taking place in your office or a pigeon flying into your window. Getting back to a task you were distracted from takes precious time and letting a few good ideas slip is unavoidable.

This is why it’s important to minimize your distractions ever since the beginning of the day. Calling your loved ones, contacting your ISP regarding your internet speed are things that should take no more than 10 minutes, so why do something later when you can do it now?

Meditate

Just like physical activity will get you in shape, meditation will sharpen your mind and give you a positive attitude towards goals, issues and people. This will lead to an advanced state of well-being and better professional and personal achievements. This will come in handy not just when you’re getting ready for work, but also when you’re preparing for a job interview.  Regardless of the type of job you’re aiming for, those stressful nerves will inevitably set in before the big day. Take 15 minutes in the morning to reconnect with yourself and things should go much smoother after that.

Set your goals for the day

Regardless of what you have planned for the day, being organized is a key factor in productivity. Making a written or mental list of your activities and goals for the day will let you know how much time you have to invest in each one without leaving anything out. This can also help you prioritize them and decide how to work smart instead of hard.

Mornings are the best time do to that since you can revise your schedule with fresh eyes and maybe even improve it in ways you wouldn’t have thought about later in the day because of the pressure.

Stay away from TVs, PCs or laptops as much as possible

If you will be stuck to a chair in front of a monitor for 8 hours a day, it’s important to give your eyes and brain a little time off. You can watch the sunrise as you eat your breakfast or replace the music with the chirping of birds outside.

Even though it might be hard at first to make time for these activities, once you get used to doing them you will clearly see the improvement. Apart from concentration and productivity, these will result in a better attitude towards your life and your career.

If this is not the case, however, it might mean the career you chose is not for you and you should look into other paths you can follow. This might seem scary at first, but sooner or later you will need to get out of your comfort zone and take these positive steps towards a productive life.

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Amanda Wilks is a Digital Marketing Specialist and a  part-time writer, dedicated to helping people find meaningful careers. She has a great interest in everything related to job-seeking, career-building, and entrepreneurship.

Image source: Deposit Photos

 

You’ve read Six Things Productive People Do Every Morning, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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You’re reading Battling Low Self-Esteem? You Are NOT Alone, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Have you ever woken up in the morning hating everything about your existence? Have you ever gone to bed at night wishing you would not wake up the next day? Have you ever lived every minute hoping it would be your last? Have you ever felt hopeless, distraught, unwanted and worthless? And have you ever wished to stop feeling that way?

Because I have. A lot of people I know have. And trust me when I tell you it is not unnatural. Believe me when I say you are not the only one. We have all had dark days. We have all had sleepless nights. We have all been broken and felt unimportant. We have all wanted to end it someday.

Low self-esteem may feel like a curse you were born with. Always doubting your abilities. Never knowing if you were doing enough. Thinking you don’t deserve the people in your life that love and appreciate you. Feeling like everything you have achieved in life has been a matter of luck and coincidence.

If you can relate, here is what you need to do:

 Talk to yourself:

You need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you need to stop feeling like filth. Tell yourself you are worth more than you think. Repeat after me ‘I am beautiful, confident, brave and ambitious. I do not care about what people have to say about me.’ The first time you do it, it will feel like you are lying to yourself. You will feel like you are wasting time but go on anyway. The reason you care so much about what other people think about you is that you listen to other people way more than you listen to yourself. Tell yourself you matter. Tell yourself you are worth it. 

 Burn down the negativity:

Literally. Write down all the things you think are ‘wrong’ with you. List down all the things you think you are ‘incapable’ of.  Do people ever tell you that you are worthless? Do they taunt and mock you? Write down their words onto the page. Write down every negative thought that comes to your head when you wish to do something. Compile your negativity on one piece of paper. Walk to the stove and set it on fire. Watch it burn and reduce to ashes. Video tape if you would like to watch it again later. Everything holding you back has been wiped off existence. ‘Everything wrong with you’ no longer exists. You are now free. You are a new person. 

 Write:

It does not matter if you can’t. It does not matter if you failed creative writing class. What matters is that you have feelings. What matters is that you have something to say. You don’t necessarily have to write about yourself. You don’t have to write about your life. Write about what you want to write about. Maintain a journal if you’d like. Write about a friend that inspires you. Write about something you love to eat. Write about a sport you enjoy watching. Write about absolutely anything or anyone that puts a smile on your face. 

Reach out:

We are often afraid of opening up to the people around us. Many a time I have felt like I needed to be someone else around other people. I have felt like I needed to hide myself. Crying in front of someone made me feel weak and vulnerable. I would run to the toilet to shed my tears every time I felt sad. And I would come out with a huge fake smile on my face like everything inside me wasn’t broken. But recently going through a hard time in my life I started to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks. However, this time I ran to my mother’s room instead of somewhere no one would find me. It was hard opening up at first. Emotions feel so irrational sometimes. You think if you’d say it out loud, it wouldn’t make sense. You feel like no one can truly understand you besides you. But that is untrue. We are all humans capable of connecting and relating to each other on various levels. It is nothing you need to think too much about. You just need to start talking. Let everything out. If everything inside you feels like it is going to collapse, sharing it with someone will only help ease the pain and hold you together. It is okay to cry. It is human to feel sad. 

What is most important is realizing it is not just you. 85% of the world’s population is affected by low self-esteem. We all have irrational fears, insecurities and troubles we live with every single day. Every smile has tales of despair it so conveniently hides behind it. You don’t need to feel like you are insignificant. Every time you are unsure of going ahead, look at how far you have come and remind yourself of all you have survived through. You are brave. You are beautiful and you are stronger than anyone will ever be able to tell you. Keep fighting. You are not alone.

By: Ramsha Zafar, Pakistan. 

 

You’ve read Battling Low Self-Esteem? You Are NOT Alone, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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