We start our New Year or Monday mornings off with good intentions – we are going to lose weight, stop smoking, organize our closets and train for that 5K.  But by the end of the week your plastic bins for organizing are still in the trunk of your car, your new running shoes tossed in the back of the closet and you have chewed so much Nicorette you decide it’s cheaper to just start smoking again.

What happened to all those good intentions?

A common answer is, “Well I just lack willpower”.   You are right – but not for the reasons we often attribute to ourselves, such as laziness or lack of desire to truly make a change.

There are two important things you should know about willpower:

1. Willpower is a finite resource – meaning you can exhaust your supply. When we exert our effort in one area we have less willpower to focus on another.
2. Willpower is like a muscle – it has to be strengthened.

Why is willpower important?

Willpower makes what you want to happen, happen. Willpower staves off the lack of self-control which can lead to bad habits, addictions, conflict with relationships and your work, etc. Willpower helps overcome inertia. When we see ourselves as lacking willpower and failing at our intentions our self-respect plummets and we then do nothing or we replace action with fantasy. (One day when I lose those 30 pounds…)

Let’s talk first about willpower and its finiteness nature. I will use a personal example here. When I have had a tough mental day at work the last thing I want to do is come home and think about anything.  I am exhausted. I am sure you have experienced that mental exhaustion as well. I am too tried to think about dinner, even though I am starving. My brain is basically refusing to think anymore so I look at the easy options for dinner.  A drive-thru or binging on that box of Moose Tracks ice cream I have in my freezer.  This is a perfect example of using up all my willpower (at work) so that when I have another area I need to focus on (dinner) I can’t.

Next willpower is a muscle that you can exhaust just like lifting weights to the point of muscle failure. Researchers at the University of Hamilton in Ontario discovered that in just the same way we can exhaust a muscle (and therefore temporarily weaken it) the same thing happens to our willpower.

It’s important to understand that willpower is very similar to physical strength in that:

• Willpower is a mind-body response, not merely a mindset
• Willpower is limited (just like muscle power)
• Willpower is trainable (just like muscle power)

How can you train and strengthened your willpower to maximize its capacity?  I have seven tactics that will help you do just that.

Be careful how and where you spend your willpower. New Year’s resolutions are the time we typically go gangbusters. Gym memberships are bought, work-out clothes purchased and we head off to the gym with our good intentions in tow. We work out for 45 minutes, are exhausted and head home to ravage our fridge.  We repeat this cycle for maybe a couple of weeks before we give up all together. Don’t do that.  Instead do this:

Start small. In my breaking bad habits webinar I emphasize, several times, the need to build up to the level we want to achieve.  I ran a half-marathon. Do you think I woke up one day and said, “Hey I am going to run 13.1 miles today?”  No – I had been running for a year and a half and training for about three months.  Start small means if you want to develop strength and can’t do 50 pushups, do one.  Then when you have conquered one, do three pushups and so on.

I know what you are saying.  “One pushup! What good will that do me?”  What good will exhausting yourself and quitting all together do?  Not much right?  So start small.

Control your exposure to those who suck the life right out of you.  In fact, get them out of your life completely, if you can. Using your capacity to deal with individuals who try to drag you down into their drama or neurosis depletes your strength.

Make a plan. If you use all your willpower up and it’s dinner time we tend to binge on all the wrong foods.  When you know you have a lot of work that’s going to take up tons of your mental energy, find a way to schedule in 10 minutes walks or 5 minutes of meditation or deep breathing.

Eat food that is good for you. Exerting willpower lowers your blood glucose levels. Since glucose is the same fuel that powers your muscles, using willpower literally fatigues the body.  Research shows we can up our willpower by taking a big old gulp of sugar but that leads to the infamous sugar crash. Limit or better yet, remove insulin-raising carbohydrates and sugary foods from your diet. You’ll find that when you do exert willpower, you’ll lose less glucose.

Find your core values. When we have a path we are on it’s easier to stay there if we know that what we are doing at that moment is a core value.  When you determine what your core values are then you are less likely to act on impulse.  When we do things impulsively we stop thinking and start acting on emotionally driven instincts.  I work with women all the time who tell me they know what their core values are. However, when we go through my exercise of finding them and figuring out just how much a part of their life their values really are, they are always surprised to find the exercise harder than they expected.  

Stop being a perfectionist. When you think something has to be completely perfect or it’s a failure you use up so much willpower.  You are depleting your resources trying to control things you can’t possibly control. Life is beautiful that way. You never know what the next second will bring. Stop trying to control life and just enjoy it.

Boosting your willpower is a combination of knowing that you can deplete your willpower but you can also strengthen and train your willpower using the seven tips outlined here. Just as with most things in life, being able to use the full capacity of your willpower to accomplish your goals is a process.

Shelly Drymon – a Damsel no longer in distress has gone through her own amazing transformation.  She is the founder of The Rescue Yourself Project – where she helps women in mid-life transitions pursue their passion and purpose and to be their own knights in shining armor.  You can read her story on her website – The Rescue Yourself Project. You can also pick up her free gift – “7 Days To An Inspired Life.” 

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Have you ever had to refuse a fun activity or day out, as you have too many boring admin tasks to take care of?

Do you waste lots of time worrying about all the things you haven’t got around to doing?

Do you have lists and lists of tasks that you are not actioning?

Most people have a list of personal tasks that need completing outside of work, commonly referred to as ‘life admin’.

This might include tasks such as paying bills, managing a mortgage, home improvements and maintenance, household chores, personal banking, making appointments, and shopping.

Many people admit to feeling overwhelmed by the volume of activities they have on their lists and often put off tasks until the absolute last minute possible, but then spend a lot of time and energy worrying about all the tasks they haven’t completed.

I am trying to become more effective at managing my life admin, to keep on top of it and spend less time thinking about the long list of things I have to do, and more time actually doing them. I’ve been trying out different strategies to help me become better at this:

1) Decide to be productive

You can make a decision to be the sort of person who is productive. It’s all in your mindset. You can tell yourself you are the type of person who puts things off and always struggles to complete tasks on time, or that you are someone who is super productive and manages your life admin effectively. If you think of yourself in the latter way, you’re much more likely to live these values.

2) 15 minute productivity blast

Many people have long to-do lists comprising all the various tasks they need to complete, which can be fairly daunting and impractical to manage.

It’s very easy to be overoptimistic, and allocate just half a day to focus on completing all these tasks, then feel the inevitable disappointment when you haven’t got as much done as you hoped, as everything seems to take longer than you predicted.

Don’t forget about Hofstadter’s law – “It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.”

Rather than letting the list build up, until it seems like an impossible task, try incorporating a 15 minute ‘life admin productivity blast’ into your day. This is about dedicating 15 minutes at the same time every day, to focus on accomplishing one of your tasks, or as many as you can manage in that time, slowly bringing the list down over time. You’ll find your to dos are reduced to a manageable size in no time.

If 15 minutes isn’t enough time to finish an entire task, at least you can take the first step. 15 minutes a day is totally manageable, helps you keep on top of things, and feels a lot less overwhelming than having to dedicate a large amount of time to completing a long list.

3) Tracking progress and success

In order to be as productive as possible, it can be helpful to clearly document all your tasks, somewhere easily accessible, in order to track exactly what you need to action.

This works well for 3 main reasons:

1. When you immediately write down any task you need to achieve, you find less energy is wasted than if they are all in your head
2. It will help with the ‘15 minute productivity blast’ as all the things you need to action are clearly defined, meaning you can go straight in to actioning them.
3. Tracking your progress can give you a sense of satisfaction, by showing what you have achieved and that you are making progress.

If you use an app to manage your to do list, you can add items whilst you are on the go. Alternatively, pop a small notebook in your bag, so that you can make a note of any tasks that you think of while you’re out and about.

4) Prioritisation matrix 

In order to prioritise your tasks more effectively you can split them into 4 categories:

1. Those you must do today (urgent)
2. Simple quick wins (easy)
3. Complex and important tasks (difficult)
4. Longer term tasks (not urgent)

It’s often easier to complete the smaller and easier tasks on the list, rather than focusing on the larger, complex tasks that may bring more benefit. By splitting the tasks into these four categories, you can ensure that you spread your focus across all the categories, rather than just the quick, easy ones.

With the more complex tasks, you can try splitting them down into more manageable chunks, which can then go into one of the first two categories, making them easier to achieve .

5) Simplification

It’s very easy to make tasks more complicated than they need to be. This can be for 2 main reasons:

1. Mindset

It might simply be a case of overcomplicating something in your head. At times, you can build a task up to be a lot more complicated than it really is. The longer you put off something in this category, the more complex you can make it seem. You can break it down into smaller steps, and focus on taking the first step, to simplify the task.

2. Simplicity opportunities

You can invest time upfront to simplify tasks as much as possible. For example:

• Schedule regular payments by direct debit, rather than making manual payments each time
• Online shopping delivered to your door
• Set up automated reminders for regular tasks
• Use online solutions wherever possible
• Think about what you might be able to outsource tasks

If you invest time upfront in simplifying tasks, it can save you more time in the long run.

These five strategies helped me get my life admin under control. What about you? How do you  keep on top of your personal to do-list?

About Mel: Mel Johnson is the author of Bestselfology, a blog focusing on forming habits and living a happy and healthy life.

You can follow her at Bestselfology , Twitter , Facebook

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This past week I had the great fortune of spending time with a group of inspirational, strong young women for a health & wellness retreat in Baja, Mexico, hosted by the legendary outdoor apparel company, Eddie Bauer. For four straight days, led by celebrity fitness trainer, Astrid Swan (while being cheered on by global brand Ambassador and world class, professional extreme skier, Lexi Dupont) we took to land, sea and yoga studio to test our limits and learn about better health and wellness, as part of a campaign to support the new launch of the Eddie Bauer ‘Motion’ line – a ready-to-wear fitness line designed for athletes and generally, active, fitness minded people.

Not only did I leave extremely sore – and inspired – but I had a great realization: obviously exercise, when done correctly, is good for the body, and to a lesser extent it’s obvious that it’s good for the mind. However, what struck me most, is that just as each exercise focuses in on different muscles and a different skill set – so to, does it for the mind. That is to say, that of course exercise allows you to ‘reduce your stress’ – virtually all of it does – but it’s the specific way in which each different form of activity can differently improve your mind, and how the benefits can become multiply effective once you actually recognize these differences, that really stood out to me.

So without further ado, here are 4 of my picks to improve both your body & mind:

1. Hiking

Seems simple enough: walk up a hill, walk down a hill. If only it were. Standing at the base of Playa Punta Lobos, in Todos Santos (already exhausted from our morning boot camp session) looking up – straight up – at hilly, rocky, steep slope felt very, very daunting.

Physically, hiking lowers your risk of heart disease, boosts bone density, builds strength in your glutes, quads, and lower legs as well as strengthen your core and improves your balance. If there is any sort of a steep climb, this also involved arm and back strength conditioning. All and all a very well rounded endeavor.

What can hiking do for your mind?

First of all, if you’re hiking, you are by definition, out in nature, so just the elements around you play a big role. Firstly, there will be an innate beauty – which if you take the time to process that and really enjoy that – not only is there natural relaxation to the mind, but acknowledging beauty has a profound effect on the mind. There is a buzz, a happiness that begins to percolate. Secondly, nature is wild. Half way upon our ascent, our guide remembered that he had forgotten to tell us what to do if we encountered snakes. Encounter snakes????? It is precisely this type of vigilance and focus that you need to have when out in the wild – that makes for a great brain exercise.

Finally, hiking to the top of even a small hill, allows your mind to frame success: start at the bottom – make it to the top – success. You’ve achieved something. Rarely in life are things this cut and dry – and this fulfilling. Your mind is already subconsciously processing this – but taking the time to consciously acknowledge it, does wonders on the psyche. Similarly, having this ‘top’ goal – allows you to break up your journey into little, palatable milestones along the way. You may think you’re resting, but really you’re making mini-achievements. Recognizing this type of thinking, is very analogous of being successful in general – make a plan (the top), start at the beginning (the bottom), and work your way up by climbing wrung after wrung (the pit stops along the way).

2. Cross-Fit

Being a spinning + yoga type of girl, the concept of cross-fit seemed audaciously difficult (and frankly unnecessary). But with no choice, I jumped into the fitness studio with Astrid. I was proved right – it was insanely difficult – but what I didn’t understand beforehand, was just how effective this type of exercise is.

Cross-fit merges weight lifting, body-weight exercises, sprinting and aerobics, all in a very fast paced, high intensity package. Not only is it a super mega calorie burner, it’s great for cardiovascular conditioning and all of the different types of movement work on dozens of muscles as well as greatly increase joint mobility.

What can Cross-Fit do for your mind?

Even though, there is always a set time for how each session will run, it’s irrelevant, because in the moment you have no clue what time it is or how long you’ve been at it – it feels like forever – and this is a crucial element for your mind. Firstly, not having a clear ‘ending’ point, during very intense activity, forces your mind to dig deep and find both tenacity and durability. These are incredible mind muscles to work that have constant applicability outside of the gym. Secondly, the exercises in cross-fit are short, rapid-fire drills, done on repeat, that force you to quickly switch gears – physically, as well as mentally. This helps you improve your reflexes, co-ordination and gets your mind firing at a higher level, altogether.

3. Surfing

Surfing, is singularly one of the greatest activities I’ve ever done. It is a powerful experience on so many levels – but more than that – it is ridiculously fun. Even though you are working extremely hard (and yes, it feels like you are) there is something about floating out in the middle of the ocean and then riding Mother Nature’s roller coaster back to shore, that makes this form of hard work feel very different. (In a nutshell, it’s the opposite of cross-fit!)

Surfing is an incredible. complete body work out – from building upper arm and improving cardiovascular health, shoulder and back strength while paddling out and pushing up, to building core strength while balancing on the board and leg strength from squatting (standing) and driving the board.

What can surfing do for your mind?

When you are surfing (on in the water in general) you are hanging with Mother Nature in a whole different way. You’re in it. Whether you’re paddling furiously to catch an impeding wave about to crash down or finding your balance to get and stay up, there is a major rush of adrenaline and to a certain extent fear, even with smaller waves. Being able to channel that energy into something productive and enjoyable takes an incredible amount of brainpower and focus. At the same time there is a yin-yang thing happening: while you have to have an insane amount of concentration, strength and skill on the one hand, on the other hand – you are no match for Mother Nature and by definition you have to let everything go and trust to a certain extent. To surf well, these two things both, must occur. This is incredibly difficult to achieve – but if mastered, mentally has so many great real life applications.

Finally, even if you’re with an instructor or a group of friends, when it’s time to jump up on that board, it’s just you and the wave – and it is so rare that you find a time when there is literally, nothing else on your mind. This is like a body being in a pool and taking the gravity off. It’s like a massage for the mind – both renewing and relaxing. So take the time to enjoy it.

4. Meditation

So meditation kind of flips the script on the other exercises. As everyone probably knows, meditation is considered the ultimate exercise for your mind. It helps with focus, calmness, clarity, a reduction in anxiety and general relaxation. It is touted by experts and gurus all over the world as one of the best things you can do for yourself. But the benefits of meditation don’t stop with the mind.

What can meditation do for your body?

The simple act of breathing is often taken for granted, yet it is literally the key to life. Taking the time to learn how to breathe properly – a fundamental part of meditation – alone can change your physical game. Having the proper flow of oxygen coming in and out of you creates a relaxation in the body that has profound physical effects – not the least of which is an adjustment in your posture, which alone, has tremendous benefits. Beyond that however, meditation has been said to increase immunity, increase fertility, relieves irritable bowl syndrome, helps to lower blood pressure and can act as an anti-inflammatory. Simply put – it’s one the best activities you can do to improve your overall health – and that’s without even touching on the enlightenment part!

So this summer, I hope you get out and #liveyouradventure – I’d love to hear about it!

——–

To read more about Eddie Bauer and the cool initiatives they have going on (like the one I was just a part of!) click here!

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What is Negativity?

For me “Thinking of unpleasant events from the past and/or anticipating unpleasant events in future, and overall feeling sorry for yourself.”

The question is, is there a magic button that you can flick, to stop negative thoughts, not that I have heard of.

The good news is that I don’t believe you need a Negative thoughts switch off button. Also I don’t believe switching off negative thoughts can help make you a more Positive person.

In fact, I say pushing away negative thoughts is not even good for you, here’s why

1. You can run, but you cannot hide, you can never eliminate negative experiences from life or prevent them from happening in future, it is just not realistic to expect it. If you have hopes and dreams, some of them will be fulfilled, some won’t and that is just how it is.
2. It is not something you can control anyways, you have to be brain dead to stop thinking of the not so happy events of your life
3. Putting all your focus on pushing away your negative thoughts, can make those ill-fated incidents (real or imagined) magnify in proportion and get a stronger grip on you
4. It is called delusion if you choose to not pay any attention to the negative events in your life, you will never find a solution to the root cause of your issues
5. If you don’t acknowledge your problems, you will lose your chance to turn them to opportunities; more often than not the negative events of your life are the ones most loaded with opportunity, they give you just the right amount of discomfort you need to change your status-quo
6. It is lot of resources in terms of time and energy fighting your negative thoughts, is it worth it? Do you really get the amount of results you would like for that much investment?
7. Never acknowledging negative things in life can make you rather annoying to be around, you won’t seem like a real person, because real people have problems in life, acting otherwise makes you seem superficial and pretentious
8. If you somehow manage to pull off a happy front at all time, nobody will reach out to help you simply because you don’t seem to need any help, there’s a difference between being truly happy and just pretending to be happy, and the later can put you in a rather lonely place
9. If you are a goal oriented person, you should be able to fail fast, learn and move on, not knowing to accept the failures will discourage you from trying again
10. Pushing away negativity does not necessarily make you happy, it can lead to more frustration, disappointment and stress, given that it is almost impossible to do in the first place

I will say it again, don’t push away your negative thoughts, they are there for a reason, they are for you to find a solution to, and that’s what you need to focus your energy on.

Here’s the bonus good news, there is another way to bring Positivity to your life than fighting Negativity!

It’s easy. Take 2 minutes (literally), to think of something positive. 

If you can’t think of anything nice that happened during the day, consider some of these possibilities:

1. Take a closer look at all the events of your day, are you sure nothing can be interpreted in a positive light, or have potential long term benefit, learn to translate accordingly.
2. Tackle a problem head-on, after all, this is the Information Age, expert advice is available at your fingertips, fellow sufferers are available to share their stories, do one thing that takes you in the direction of solving your problem
3. Sign-up for something that interest you, commit yourself to having a good time
4. Sign-up for something that challenges you, nothing like overcoming a challenge to make you feel confident and good about yourself
5. Join a similar minded community (e.g. a meetup group)
6. Give something to someone, solve someone else’s problem, it not only puts your problems in perspective, it also makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside to leave someone else a little bit happier
7. Appreciate the small things, there are many positive things that happen all the time, and go unnoticed, learn to capture them
8. Commit to grow as a person, do something that makes you a better person even if in the smallest possible way
9. Share your thoughts with someone, it’s always good to offload, and what do you know you may also put your brains together to find some opportunities or solutions to your troubles
10. Challenge your negative energy, if you feel like lazing around, instead just get up and go to the gym, after 30 mins in the gym, you will feel over the moon in overcoming the challenge, and now you have earned your lazy time as bonus

Negative thoughts are not what’s preventing you from being a Positive person, just put in 2 minutes of your time on Positivity, and see if your world changes.

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“What we do in life echoes in eternity.”

~ Maximus Aurelius (Gladiator)

Gladiator is my favorite movie. It’s a hero-to-zero-to-hero tale of perseverance, redemption, and revenge. Here’s are five powerful life lessons I’ve learned from it:

There are movie spoilers down yonder, so please watch this great movie before you read a sentence further!

1. Real Leadership Is More Powerful Than Having A Title

In the beginning of the film, we’re shown Maximus Aurelius lead his Roman army in war. Throughout the scenes, the respect and loyalty the men have for Maximus is palpable. And like usual, they are victorious in battle. Later in the movie, when Maximus is betrayed to the point that he becomes a slave, his powerful leadership qualities emerge even in the lowest human social rung on the ladder (slave). In the arena battles, the slaves are set up to be slaughtered—their enemies are better equipped and outnumber them in order to reenact a battle. But against stunning odds, Aurelius leads his ragtag team of slaves to victory!

Later in the movie, his fellow slaves defend him to their death. On the evil side, unrightful Emperor Commodus uses his position of power poorly, and you get the sense that his only power is in his title; he is not a great leader. This feeling is proven true late in the movie when he loses his sword in a fight with Maximus and asks his second in command for a sword—and he is denied. People would die for Maximus, but they wouldn’t even give their Emperor Commodus a sword when asked!

There is a component of good and evil at play, but it’s also a part of leadership. People follow Maximus because he is a good, noble, and courageous man. They can trust him. They can follow his lead without sacrificing their integrity. This is what good leadership is all about—leading others into a better place.

In the poetic ending, Maximus and Commodus have both been killed. The men carry away Maximus to honor him; they leave the emperor’s body there in the sand, further demonstrating the power of leadership over title. If you strive to be a great leader, you’ll likely get the title, too. But even if you don’t, you’ll still be greater as a leader.

2. The Future Is Unpredictable (Act Accordingly)

One theme of the movie is that life is unpredictable. Against all odds, a roman general somehow becomes a slave, and then rises again to become a hero and a legend. Who could predict that? Sure, the movie is scripted, but real life can throw equally outrageous curveballs. I didn’t think I’d fail to get a job with my college degree and instead write a book (Mini Habits) that’s become an international bestseller, but that’s what happened.

The way this works in life is like walking out into the ocean. At times, the current is pulling you, and at other times, the waves are crashing in your face, pushing you back. Life’s unpredictabilities may hurt or help you at different times. The only thing you can do is choose to keep walking forward and control what you can control. It certainly beats passively hoping for the best!

3. Nobody Wins Alone

Maximus was well-liked and developed several important connections throughout his journey; they helped him when he needed help. While the story was about Maximus’s fall and rise, he couldn’t have made it without the other slaves who helped him win battles in the arena. They also battled the guards and died trying to help him escape.

The strongest you can be is when you’re a part of a team. Even solo sports players like boxers have trainers that help them push their limits. It’s not weakness to accept the help of others, it’s the best way to get stronger! Think about an area of your life that you need help in, and there’s somebody out there who can help you with it.

4. Most Of Us Have It (Relatively) Easy

Have you had to fend off lions in an area today? When’s the last time you fought someone to the death? The evolution of modern culture has thankfully moved beyond slavery and deadly arena fighting. We also have better healthcare, amazing technology, and more.

The next time you think about your problems such as being angry with your significant other or having a cavity (I had five recently!), remember that your problems could be much worse! It helps us to be thankful when we put our lives in perspective.

5. Life Isn’t Fair, But That’s Not What Matters

Maximus had a final showdown with the corrupt emperor Commodus. Just before they stepped out into the arena, Commodus stabbed Maximus in the side with a poisoned blade. The crowd didn’t know, but not only was Maximus severely injured before the fight began, he was going to die from the poison either way. It was the definition of unfair, and the crowd had no idea about, making it that much worse. It’s one of those moments you want to scream at your TV to tell someone what happened.

Maximus had unfair things happen to him for his entire life. His family was murdered. He ended up a slave for being loyal to Rome. And here he was with a poisonous knife wound just before the battle with the man who ruined his life. He did the only thing he could. He battled against Commodus and killed him to end his rule over Rome. He died a hero.

“Nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear.”

~ Maximus Aurelius (Gladiator)

Due to the success and impact of my book mentioned earlier, Mini Habits, I’ve had some unfair things happen. A direct competing author left me a one star review. Another competitor planted a review that links to his book and upvoted it artificially (it’s still in the #2 most helpful spot). And my mini habits idea has been copied in dozens of other books now, often without attribution. It doesn’t seem fair to me, but that’s the nature of our world (and of business).

I’ve slowly realized that my best move is always to focus on what I do, and less so on the unfair things that others do. That’s been hard for me because I’m so passionate about the mini habits concept, but it’s been immensely helpful the more I’ve done it. I’m moving forward by releasing my next book, How to Be an Imperfectionist, on May 22nd.

Victims think about what’s unfair in life. Heroes like Maximus think about what they can do next. Be like Maximus!

I’m the author of Mini Habits and How to Be an Imperfectionist (available for pre-order and releasing on 5/22/15). If you liked this article, you’d love the Tuesday emails I send to subscribers. You can sign up here to see how you like it.

Cheers,

Stephen Guise

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I remember when I left my first job.

I had been back-stabbed.  My bosses had gotten into a tiff, with me caught in the middle.  My co-workers had turned on me.  I was innocent, and yet the world had gone against me.

It was a whole lot of drama, and I was ready to leave it.  So I did.  I moved away.  I moved 1300 miles away.

And, 9 month into my new job, it was happening all over again.

I was having hushed conversations about who I could trust.  It was being implied that people were talking about me.  I was feeling very confused about what my boss expected.  I started talking to people, trying to figure out what side they were on.  Who could I trust?  Who was a backstabber?  It got really complicated, as I tried to sort this out once again.

Seeing this work situation one time made sense.  I got into a toxic workplace, and the kindest thing I could do for myself was to leave.  But seeing it twice?  There had to be something going on, and it had to be going on inside my head.  There was no way I could be the underdog twice, on opposite sides of the country.

And sure enough something was going on.  I learned that I was making assumptions, and lots of them.  I was guessing what people wanted, and I was trying to “read between the lines”.  I was trying to get the obvious points that I should be getting from what people said.

I was guessing, and it was burning me.  My past was repeating itself over and over, due to my guessing.

Because what is backstabbing, really?  It’s people acting to draw attention away from themselves, because they feel threatened.  Why do people talk to someone in authority before talking to you?  Because the may be assuming that you won’t listen.  Or they may be afraid that you are going to work against them.  Or they may be trying to draw attention away from themselves.

The only thing you can really know is that you really don’t know.  Making assumptions is merely guessing, and real communication can’t happen if you are doing that.

So much of our communication–at work, at home, and in relationships–is based on assumption.  We guess what the other person in thinking and what they want.  We are embarrassed to ask what they really want, and what their intentions are.  We think that everybody else just knows.  We thing that it should be so obvious to us, and yet we don’t know.  And our relationships are suffering because of it.

How can you communicate without assuming?  By being curious.  When we were children, we wondered about all kinds of things, and asked questions all the time.  But somewhere, we decided that everyone “got it” more than we did.  We became embarrassed to ask questions, to not be able to read someone’s mind.  Somehow, we lost that curiosity and that confidence to ask the questions.

For an example, consider this conversation in a marriage:

Sara:  I really am tired of doing so much housework.

Bill:  Are you saying I don’t help out enough?

Sara:  Yes!  I have to do everything, while you sit on the Internet!

Bill: Well, I’ve had a stressful day!

Sara:  You’ve had a stressful day?!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?

Bill:  Just let me relax.

Sara:  Fine!  But don’t expect me to talk to you later tonight!

Let’s take a look at this conversation.  What if Bill had asked Sara a question, instead of assuming she was angry that he hadn’t done housework?  What if he had asked her about herself?  He could have said, “Why do you say that you’re tired of doing so much housework?” And she could have replied that she is tired after being at work all day, and just wants to relax and not worry about the house.  This would have opened up the conversation to problem-solving, so that Bill and Sara could have figured out a way for both of them to unwind, and for the housework to still get done.  There was no need for anyone to be on the defensive.

And what about my situation at work?  Let’s go back to the first time I thought that I was stabbed in the back.

My boss said, “How is team teaching going?   I’ve heard it isn’t going well.”

Instead of getting defensive, I could have asked what he meant when he said it wasn’t going well.  I could have assumed less, and found out where my co-workers were misunderstanding, and–perhaps more importantly–where my boss was misunderstanding.

When you are working to communicate with someone else without making assumptions, there are two questions that can be infinitely helpful.  When someone says something that leads you to feel defensive, you can ask, “What do you mean when you say _____________?” or “Why do you say _______?” using their own words.  This leads them to examine WHY they have said what they did, and this helps to clear up any assumptions that you may be making.

There are so many times in my job, both in the past and in the present, when I could have asked those questions and better addressed the issues I was facing.

There are so many times in marriages and in relationships, when we could prevent fights just by asking for clarification.  Curiosity is a lost art, but it is one that we need to rediscover, if we want to be successful in our work, our relationships, and in life.

So next time that you are faced with a conflict, you can choose for it not to be a conflict.  Choose to be curious, to ask questions, and to gain a true understanding of where the other person is coming from.  You will help them to think about what they are saying, and you will help yourself to better understand the other person’s intentions.

How can you be curious in your life?

Bethany blogs at Online Therapy and Coaching, where she also offers personal development e-courses and individualized coaching sessions to help people reach their full personal and creative potential!

The post How to Communicate Without Making Assumptions appeared first on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement.

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