I want it and I want it now!  We say this to ourselves every single time we demand instant gratification, quick results, or fast progress at something- even though we may sound like children.  There are some ways to actually speed up the way we learn and improve at something however.  Ironically, many of the ways to get better at something fast involve not focusing so much on results, but instead focusing on the process of getting better. 

1. Practice. A lot.

This one might be common sense, but the number one way to get better at something is to practice.  Even if its hard, even if its boring, even if its not fun, if you want to get better at something you need practice.  Through the dedication to practicing and learning, you will develop skill and experience that will make you better at what you are doing.  Whether it’s math, saving money, speed reading, or playing tennis, practicing will help make you better.

2. Read books or articles from experts.

Experts exist in practically every field imaginable.  Many experts get big book contracts to write: articles, blogs, books, and they even do interviews directly passing on the skills and knowledge they learned while mastering an area of expertise;  people are willing to pay big money to learn these lessons straight from an expert who has already been through it.  Books, articles, videos, and speeches from others who are already amazing at what you are trying to learn will make your life easier, motivate you along the way, and help you make your practice more valuable.

3. Practice smarter, not harder (focus on process over production)

As you learn more about the ways that other successful people practice and get better at something, you can try to apply the same techniques to your own practice.  For example: if you are working on developing your public speaking skills and a famous speaker recommends- in an article- to join toastmasters or give speeches each month at a get together, you can implement this practice and increase the speed at which you learn.  Its not always just about working harder, but sometimes we have to learn to work smarter as well.

An easy trap to fall into when trying to get better at something is to focus only on results.  As we focus more on our results over actual improvement, we begin to build pressure on ourselves.  Each time we fall short or fail to meet our expectations, we are hard on ourselves and we can stifle our motivation and drive.  By choosing to focus on the practice and on doing the things we need to do to get better instead of focusing on results, we can lift some of the weight off of our shoulders and really enjoy what we are doing.  By focusing on the process over the product, we can learn to love the journey of getting better. 

4. Set goals.

By setting measurable and precise goals we can better motivate ourselves and measure ourselves against our own goals rather than against other people.  When we compare ourselves against others, we can often be left feeling inadequate or unsatisfied, but when we look at how we’re doing today versus 1 year ago, it becomes much clearer how far we have come along the way.  Additionally, goals help us stay motivated and focused on the things we need to do each day in order to get better. If we set a goal to write an article every day, eventually we are going to write a lot of articles and get much better. 

5. Evaluate and take notes.

Whenever you are practicing, reading, or setting goals, take notes of the process along the way as you learn important new details; you can make notes each time you learn something new, that you can review at a later time.  As you learn new things, you will inevitably begin to focus on new details and you will start to forget older revelations.  By regularly evaluating your progress, results, and the ways in which you are actively seeking to improve, you can make adjustments as needed and cement the things that are working well.

By using these 5 simple tips you can increase your productivity, learn faster, and incorporate new information better.  It may feel counterintuitive to set goals when you could be practicing instead, but you must learn to focus on how to get better more than you focus on just getting better.

——–

Shane Sorensen is a life coach, nurse, blogger, and the owner of http://ift.tt/1wkNKgQ.  If you would like to learn more you can visit his website, or email him at ShaneSorensen@MakeYourBestSelf.com

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I’m one of those weirdos that prefers reading non-fiction books over fiction books any day of the week — especially when it comes to books about leadership, success and self-help. It’s just my thing. My library is filled with books on how to build and sustain the habits necessary to live the happiest, healthiest, and wealthiest way of life I’m capable of living. And I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that reading these self-help books over the years has definitely transformed my life for the better… But you know what? Every now and then, I’d find myself in the middle of reading one of these books only to realize that it’s filled with nothing more than a bunch of pseudo-science mumbo jumbo disguised as the truth.

And quite frankly, I found this incredibly disturbing. Which is why I decided to put together this list of the 7 scientific self-help books that you can use to transform your life without worrying about whether what you’re reading is fact or fiction. Every book on this list contains information that is researched extensively and exhaustively beyond that of most every other book in the self-help genre.

So, are you ready? Let’s dive in.

#1. Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz

The original scientific self-help book, written by a plastic surgeon who decided that he wanted to go deeper than aesthetics — he wanted to change people’s lives from the inside-out. Pick this one up for a primer on self-image psychology. Buy the book here.

#2. Waking Up by Sam Harris

If you’re curious about spirituality, but prefer not to attach your identity to any specific set of religious beliefs, then the scientific approach to spirituality set forth by neuroscientist Sam Harris in Waking Up could be just what you’ve been looking for. Buy the book here.

#3. The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz

The big idea behind this book is that our approach to stress management is all wrong — it’s not about managing our time – it’s about managing our energy. Once we can do that, we can begin finding the balance we seek both at work and at home. Buy the book here.

#4. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

No list self-improvement books of any kind is complete without The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If you had to choose just one single book to dramatically shift your personal development, this is the one you need to go with. Period. Buy the book here.

#5. The ONE Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

The ONE Thing is a book for anyone who needs crystal clear clarity on how to set and get goals. This book tells us that simplicity is the real secret to success, and it’s got the science to back it up. Buy the book here.

#6. Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

This is a book about the science and psychology of “optimal experience” (translation: how to live the happiest, most enjoyable and fulfilling life possible). If you’re interested in learning about how it feels to use your greatest gifts, skills, and passions in a way that only YOU are capable of using them – then read this book.

#7. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

In The Power of Habit, you’ll learn the in’s and out’s of habit-formation. In the book, author Charles Duhigg has sifted through the science and busted many commonly-held myths about habit-formation so that all you’re left with are actionable frameworks that you can put to use immediately to help you build lasting habits, and break bad ones. Buy the book here.

Which book will you read first?

Now that you’ve got this list of 7 scientific self-help books — there’s only one question left… Which one do you read first? Should you go out and get all of them immediately? Should you read them all at once? So many options. So little time. Ultimately, it’s totally your decision what you do with this list and how you apply it to your life and career. But if I may, here’s what I would suggest you consider as you get started:

• Subscribe to a book summary site, like FlashNotes Book Summaries to get the key-takeaways from the books on this list.
• If you’d prefer to read an entire book, I would highly suggest that you read just ONE book at a time. Sometimes, when we see something new and exciting, we have tendency to want to do/learn/read it all at once… and as we all know, this is nearly impossible to do without stressing ourselves out. So, choose a book. And then commit to reading it from start to finish.
• If you’re in a rush, try Audio books, or Audible Book Summaries.
• Finally, if you’re in a super rush, checkout some YouTube video book summaries, like this one.

Dean Bokhari is best-selling author and host of Meaningful*FM (MeaningfulHQ.com),one of the web’s most popular personal development podcasts.

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It’s everyone’s nightmare.  Rush hour.  Inching along interminably as too many cars navigate too few lanes, with too many merging in and too few turning off.

Who would have imagined that King Solomon already anticipated the chaos of our highways when he declared, Go, sluggard, and learn from the ant?

As it turns out, ants are better drivers than we are.  And the lessons of their highway habits offer some valuable lessons that extend far beyond the way we drive.

According to NPR, Apoorva Nagar discovered the connection in a study by German and Indian researchers.  Apparently, traveling ants are able to maintain a constant speed regardless of the number of ants on the path.  In other words, even at rush hour, ant traffic carries on unimpeded.

Professor Nagar, a physicist at the Indian Institute of Space Science and Technology, suggests three reasons why ants don’t bottleneck as traffic flow increases.  First, ants don’t have egos.  They don’t need to be first, don’t need to show off, and don’t take it personally when another ant cuts in front of them.

Second, they don’t mind fender-benders.  Sure, a multi-ant pile will slow them down.  But a few minor bumps and scrapes have little impact on their progress.  Even with incidental bumping and knocking, the ants just keep on moving forward.  Needless to say, humans would never tolerate the most glancing or superficial collisions, even if the law permitted it.

And third, says Professor Nagar, ants get more disciplined as the crowd thickens:  they hold their speed steadier and make fewer twists and turns.  In contrast to human drivers who cut in and out while breaking and accelerating, ant discipline creates a road culture of greater predictability and, consequently, greater safety and consistency.

Granted that ant behavior may have limited practical application to human driving habits and traffic patterns, the observations offered by Professor Nagar suggest other benefits to improve the quality of daily life.

NO EGO

Have you ever watched someone else hopelessly caught up in his own ego-gratification?  Sometimes it’s the driver trapped behind a slow-moving car, desperately looking for a chance to break out and around.  And what happens when he gets his chance?  More often than not, you catch up to him stuck behind the next car or idling at the next stoplight.

Or what about the person who has to be the center of attention or the life of the party?  He thinks he’s the darling of the crowd, but the dismayed expressions among his captive audience frequently tell a different story.

When we stop worrying about where we rank compared to others and stop needing others to validate our existence, we become a lot more comfortable with where we are and end up making progress with far greater efficiency.

It’s actually pretty easy when we start asking ourselves the right questions:

• What do I gain by trying to be first?
• Are the people I’m trying to impress going to be impressed?
• Are the people who are going to be impressed worth impressing?
• Didn’t I read a story once about a tortoise and a hare?

IS IT WORTH IT?

We’ve heard it before:

Don’t sweat the small stuff.  And so much of it really is small stuff.

Sure, I enjoy the frequent fantasy of trading in my ‘98 Camry for a new… anything.  But until I do, I’ll never have to worry about the latest scratch, dent, or interior stain the way I would if I were driving a Mercedes… or even a new Subaru.

The truth is, the shinier our toys are, the more we notice when the shine starts to fade, and our mood fades just as quickly.  That’s only natural, since those scrapes and blemishes are all tied up with our first problem… ego.

That scuffed bumper is a reflection on me, isn’t it?  It reflects either my own driving or my slothfulness repairing damage inflicted on me by someone else.  Of course, it might reflect the sanity of my priorities, that I don’t want to take hours away from my family and friends and community and personal growth so that my car can be pristine (while waiting for the next minor accident to send me back to the repair shop).

And it’s not just our cars.  The human eye and mind seek out every imperfection on which to fixate, whether it’s a loose thread or a tilted picture, a sore toe or a pesky hangnail.  If anything is 99% perfect, that last one percent becomes all the more intolerable, invalidating everything that is as it should be.

Which is the perfect time for another list of questions:

• Overall, are things good or bad?
• By how much does the good outweigh the bad?
• Is it reasonable to let so little that’s not quite right cancel out so much that is?
• Is anything every perfect?

TIME TO PAY ATTENTION

As tension builds, we start looking for a way out.  Maybe what we should be looking for is a way in.  Like the ants who become more focused as traffic increases.

The truth is, stress and tension are products of our bodies preparing us to enter into survival mode.  When we respond by heightening our awareness of the challenges that face us and steeling ourselves to meet them, we can propel our productivity and success to unprecedented levels.  Not only do we manage the job at hand, but we increase our ability to overcome greater obstacles that lie ahead.

It’s a win-win.

But it demands that we reframe, that we stop looking at obstacles as impediments to progress and start seeing them as opportunities for development and self-improvement.  And that outlook starts with more questions:

• Why do we think no pain, no gain applies only at the gym?
• Haven’t our most satisfying moments come through struggle?
• If we can’t change where we are, isn’t changing how we deal with it is our only option?
• If I handle a difficult situation better, might others follow my example and help the situation improve on its own?

After all, what’s the point of an obstacle course?  We could traverse the course much faster without all those obstacles, no?  But then what would we have accomplished?

And isn’t life the greatest obstacle course of all?

Rabbi Yonason Goldson, a talmudic scholar and former hitchhiker, circumnavigator, and newspaper columnist, lives in St. Louis, MO, where he teaches, writes, and lectures.  His new book Proverbial Beauty:  Secrets for success and happiness from the wisdom of the ages is due out in July.  Visit him at http://ift.tt/1yTxW6j.

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We all want to be more efficient in order to make the most of our time. But how can we really accomplish more and stop wasting our efforts on insignificant tasks?  The answer to our productivity concerns can be solved with the use of a tool called crowdsourcing.

Crowdsourcing is the process of enlisting the help of a big crowd of people, usually on the internet, whose collective knowledge, resources, and skills can help to come up with diverse and expert solutions to your problems. This way you can focus your energies on your top priority tasks while still using your crowd to figure out solutions to other problems as well.

You can ask for help and advice from your own crowd of friends and followers on Facebook and Twitter or engage with other kinds of crowdsourcing platforms. Wikipedia is one of the most well-known  of these crowdsourcing efforts.

However, many of us may not know how to crowdsource to its full benefit. In order to get the most out of this process, I’d like to offer a list of 10 tips for crowdsourcing effectively:

1. Search before asking – Very often someone is experiencing the same challenge that you are. Before asking for help, use special Q&A platforms to search for solutions. My personal favorite is quora.com.
2. Be specific – When you ask for help, make sure you give specific details about your challenge.
3. Do not influence. Do not direct people to a specific solution. Make sure you allow enough room for their creativity so they can offer a wide range of potential solutions.
4. Be brief. Make sure you keep your questions short and to the point. People need to understand very quickly what you are asking for.
5. Tell a story. The only exception for keeping your explanations brief is if you have an interesting story to share. An interesting story engages people while explaining why you are asking for their help.
6. Interact – Whenever people come to you with ideas and suggestions, make sure you thank them and engage back. When people see that you are part of the conversation, they have more reasons to respond.
7. Give value – Don’t just ask for help. Give value to the crowd and do that over and over again. Whenever others see that you give value, they will be motivated to help you.
8. Pay the crowd – Websites such as fiverr.com allow you to pay $5 for simple tasks. Enlisting the help of someone with experience can save you a lot of time for a small amount of money.
9. Use WhatsApp – Whenever you need help, WhatsApp is a great way to privately ask for help from close friends.
10. User special crowdsourcing platforms – There are dozens of crowdsourcing platforms that can help you out in specific areas such as design, health, finance and more. For a complete list of crowdsourcing platforms visit http://ift.tt/1K5GQyx

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1) You have traveled to some different parts of the world

Because traveling brings you out of your comfort zone and expands your horizon. You absorb different cultures and that allows you to be grateful with what you have at home, or not, by which then you can make the necessary changes in your life.

2) You have passion

Passion is what lights your life on fire. It electrifies your soul. It gives you a certain identity other people know you by. It is the awesome feeling you get that separates what you love from the rest of the world. Find passion and let it seep into your everyday life. You’ll be happy. It’s as simple as that.

3) You’ve struggled considerably before

The challenges and obstacles you faced that made you think you weren’t strong enough to overcome? You were indeed strong enough. You learnt how capable you really are and that strength is what gives you confidence, hence happiness.

4) You don’t lie to yourself and escape all the time

Henceforth, you deal with the problem head on. You don’t try to escape by taking an easier route. You ask yourself the honest questions.

That is why people who drink or indulge in their vices are unhappy. They’re only always dealing with a hangover.

5) You’re surrounded by good and positive people

Sometimes your happiness is highly based on your environment. Surround yourself with negative or even annoying people, you’ll end up negative and annoyed yourself. Surround yourself with good people who want the best out of you, you’ll be constantly inspired.

6) You realize you don’t need to put up with others’ crap

And by extending the idea of surrounding yourself with positive people, you let go negative influences and dump toxic people. You don’t need to put up with people’s crap. You are in full control of who you want to be with.

7) You’re always on learning-mode

The thirst for knowledge and hunger to learn pushes your brain to take up new things and that’s automatically ensuring you aren’t dulling your life. Simply put, wanting to learn means having curiosity and that’s way better than sitting around bored as you’re always trying new things.

Why do you think people who are constantly surfing social media are bored despite actually doing something?

8) You don’t chase money

You know money is important because you need to survive. But you recognize the bottom line which is that it’s your choice to chase money or not.

9) You make time for family

Because it’s family.

Family is dysfunctional? Make time for your old friends then.

10) You choose gratitude, no matter what

Despite what life throws at you, you remember that there’re many things in life to be grateful for. You’ll be surprised how lucky you are and that tons of people want to be in your shoes.

11) You’ve been through a breakup

Breakups hurt, but eventually, you’ll be fine. Breakups show that you’re capable of love; that you don’t have to be alone. At the same time, breakups allow you to know the kind of person you want to be with and so you become wary of the kind of people you meet next time.

12) You help other people

Because sometimes, the only way to solve your worries is to simply help others.

13) You recognize that you’re not your job

Most people have to work to survive and the majority don’t love what they do. The difference between the happy ones and those who drag themselves to work is that they know that they are not their job. They work and leave everything at the office when they go home.

They know that their salary, position and status do not identify them. The let passion, talent, special memories and their own life identify them.

14) You’re not always in a rush

Way too many of us want to make good time today. We want to get work done, leave work on time and make sure we catch the train on time. As a result, we don’t even know we’re breathing harder, cluttering our mind with deadlines, walking to fast and generally adding stress to ourselves!

Slow down. Relax. Go meditate. There’s plenty of time.

15) You stop caring about what others think

The words and thoughts of others’ should not have an effect on you. They technically don’t exist because what you think of yourself and what you want to do are all that truly matters.

16) You can always look back with no regret

You’d want to live a life so that you can look back and hold on tightly to your experiences and memories. These memories will never lie to you. So keep doing what you want and leave your mark!

17) You know it’s never too late

But what if you feel like you’ve never done enough?

It’s okay.

It’s not too late.

You’re growing older as time passes by, but it’s okay. Age doesn’t matter.

You’re in full control of the time you have.

Keep on keeping on you.

Special bonus for Pick The Brain Readers!

I hope you enjoyed the article! Need help leaving your mark all around the world?

Then you’re going to want my book. It’s free! Here it is:

12 Things Happy People Don’t Give a F**K About!

Time to shed the crap in life and start being happy! This free book is only available through this link to Alden Tan.

Alden Tan keeps it real at his blog and writes about motivation in unconventional ways. His two main passions are Bboying and writing. Check out his free report, 12 Things Happy People Don’t Give a F**k About!

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Anxiety disorders all have acute fear and/or nervousness as the predominant symptom. They are disturbingly common, affecting millions of people. Generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and separation anxiety all come under the collective umbrella term. The reason for anxiety disorders is not agreed, however, they could be causedby differences in brain circuits that regulate fear and extreme emotions. The brain has elasticity; trauma, or long-lasting stress, can affect the activity in our brains. Neuroplasticity means that there are ways to help alleviate (and sometimes eliminate) the symptoms of anxiety disorders.

Here are ten suggestions to help you on your road to recovery:

Seek medical advice – Medications, sometimes, ease the symptoms. However, they are not a cure. GoodGP’s will refer you for talking therapies, or provide you with information on support groups, also.  Be careful if choosing to take medication. Take in accordance with guidelines. Be aware of side effects.Be wary of any that are addictive.

See an alternative health practitioner– Many people turn to complementary heath practitioners, especially if they are not comfortable with Western medicines. Acupuncture can be effective for lessoning symptoms of anxiety. Studies show solution focused hypnotherapy can be as productive as a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

See a Psychotherapist – Psychotherapy is a supported way of working through unresolved traumas, or stresses. The space created by a great therapist is safe and contained, encouraging you to explore and reflect upon your feelings. Psychotherapy aids in understanding, and managing, particular triggers and helps you develop resilience and coping strategies.

Practice Mindfulness – Mindfulness is proven to significantly calm symptoms. Mindfulness encourages knowledge of the mind, soothes thoughts and brings oneself into the present moment (where we are distracted from our fears). Mindfulnesswill also help manage the physiological reactions in the body that occur when we are anxious and afraid.

Meditate –Ten minutes a day of deep breathing can be effective. If your mind is racing, and you feel restless at first, don’t think you are ‘doing it wrong’. By sitting quietly, and focusing on your breath, you will notice the endless chatter, and become reflective about the stories that your mind tells. By slowing your breathing, your nervous system re-sets into a calmer state of being. You can use this technique at any time.

Spend time in nature – There is a life force evident in the natural environment that is more powerful and profound than us, and our worried minds. Being in nature is restorative and calming. We are not bombarded with stimulants, or activities, that can provoke agitation. It creates a feeling of space that expands our awareness, takes us out of the nuances of our daily lives, and into a sense that there is something bigger than us, and our problems. Fresh air increases oxygen in the body and enhances well-being.

Diet and Nutrition – Diet is essentialto the balance of the body. As many hormones are created in the gut, and then send messages to the brain, our physical health and the food we eat has a direct impact on our mental health. Avoid completely caffeinated products, or other stimulants such as sugar and nicotine. Instead, introduce foods that are high in B and D vitamins. Eat oily fish and leafy greens at least three times a week.

Exercise – Exercise instantaneously changes mood and encourages long-term health and confidence. Cortisol levels (a hormone associated with stress) are highest in the morning. A twenty-minute stint, not long after waking, will do you wonders. If that is difficult at first, try twenty minutes, three to five times a week. Mix cardiovascular exercisewith low impact stretching. Find something you enjoy. Exercise will release endorphins and ease tension.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy –Referrals can be made by doctors; work -books are online. CBT changes the troublesome neural pathways by challenging you to think about your fear and anxiety in different ways. It encourages new thought patterns, and goal setting, to transform the way you relate to the world. CBT is practical. You have exercises and strategies to use whenever you need them.

Support groups –Support from peers is powerful. This can be a good way to face some fears, gently, and at your own pace, in order to overcome them. The group will offer you understanding and encouragement in a non-judgmental way. It’s beneficial to know that you are not alone with your illness.

Deep breathing –During moments of increasing panic, or high agitation, try putting one hand on your stomach and taking some long, deepbreaths. This can be done anywhere. You want to de-activate the ‘fight or flight’ system, which believes you’re in danger. Taking slow, calming breaths will activate the parasympathetic nervous system. This is our basic, resting state. We want to encourage this often.

Muscle relaxation – There is a feedback loop between the mind and body. When highly anxious, your body responds by preparing itself for ‘fight or flight’. Blood flows to your muscles preparing them for battle. Release tension by clenching your muscles really hard. Then let go. You can also shake –seriously! Shaking your whole body loosens muscles and releases trauma and trapped emotion.

This post is contributed by Ron McDiarmid, who is the founder of My Healthy Living Coach. Having had health challenges along the way Ron was keen to share the research and learning he gathered. Through MHLC this continued into a current presentation of healthy lifestyle choices and how to implement them. Check out his website at http://ift.tt/1xvlA3J.

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The storyteller in our heads is so used to being judgmental, cruel and even vicious, telling us not only that we did something wrong (this is guilt), but that we are bad and wrong (this is shame).  And it influences our lives from underneath our everyday awareness, keeping us cut off from the vast and healing regions of our own hearts.  I used to have an extremely cruel judger inside of me and as I began to be curious about it, listening to what it was saying, I discovered that the judger never sees things clearly.

There are 3 things that can help you to unhook from the voices of guilt and shame:

1.  Relate to, not from, your shame

It helps to understand that Life is in charge of Life.  Life puts you in situations to help you see your shame and all of the other states, so you can learn to relate to them rather than from them.  So, how can you relate to these stories and begin to heal your shame?  By being curious about what is here rather than trying to change, numb or bury the feelings.   The healing you long for happens when you can be with what is.  It is not easy, especially feelings of shame, because the stories in your head can be very seductive.  Your unconscious mind really and truly believes that you are only okay if you do life perfectly.  Of course, perfectly is a very relative position.  Perfect to one person is not perfect to another.  The more you wake up, the more you see that everything is exactly as it needs to be.  It is never about what is going on at the surface.  It is always about what is going on underneath.

2.  Be curious and compassionate with the judger

Judging has been a key part of your survival system.  You were conditioned to think this way when you were very young.  You can learn to be curious by asking the question, “What does this bring up inside of me?” and then you can bring compassion to the parts that need your attention right now.  “Oh, the judger is here.  I see you.  You are the one who believes I am doing it wrong (or I am wrong).”  The only power the judger has over you is when you think it is the voice of truth.  But it is not.  You can learn how to see this judging quality in your head rather than believing what it is saying.  You can even move beyond judging this judger!

As you become curious, you can learn to unhook from these states, or what I call spells.   The next time something happens in your life that brings up feelings of shame, ask yourself the question, “What are the stories that my shame voice is believing right now?”  Remember, it is a process.  In discovering the phenomenal healing power of being curious and compassionate , you will have access to it and then you forget, and then you remember at a deeper level and you forget, and you go to an even deeper level of remembering and then you forget, only to remember again.  That is how life teaches us.

3.  Tune into your body and feel the shame

You have probably buried most of your shame your entire adult life and have tried to pretend it doesn’t exist, or in some cases, you may not even be aware it exists.  But it does.  As you are awakening, Life is bringing you very uncomfortable experiences for a reason.  They are tailor-made for you, custom-designed so that your feelings will come out of hiding and you can say “I see you.”   When this happens, tune into your body and ask yourself, “Where in my body do I feel the shame?  Is it in my belly?”  Say hello to the tight belly and soften.  Put your hand gently on your belly and say, “I see you.”  If it is in your neck, back, or shoulders, give these tight, uncomfortable places your attention.  Maybe even give them a little massage now and then.  Be gentle with yourself.  These are moments of healing.

The next time something happens in your life that brings up feelings of shame, ask yourself this question, “How can I be with this feeling right now?”  And then say hello to the one who feels he/she is bad and wrong.

Image – Leaded Glass Panel by Seattle Artist Paula Stokes (in collaboration with Eric Mead)  www.paulastokes.com 

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In my own marriage, money issues started really early on in our relationship. Being very young and without any sort of savings, my new husband surprised me with a brand new mountain bike for my birthday. I mean, it was a super sweet gift but… the money had come out of our joint banking account which barely had enough in it to cover the month’s expenses.

And so our journey began.

With me holding on tight to any cash that came in, terrified to release control and loose the feelings of safety it gave me, and my husband having a more optimistic, easy-going attitude about money, enjoying the sense of freedom it provided.

It’s easy to see where this was headed…

So after years of struggling with this issue, I want to share with you the top 3 mistakes we made and what you can do differently to avoid all the struggle we experienced!

 Mistake #1: Not talking about our history with money

This is the biggest and most common mistake that couples make when it comes to finances. It’s really human nature to think that the way we feel about an issue is the way everyone thinks about it! But, the truth is that you come to the table with different experiences and messages about money, mostly from you childhood. And these pre-conceived ideas can dictate your fears and spending behavior, more than you ever thought possible.

Solution:

Ask yourself a few questions: What did I learn from my parents about money? Did one of my parents control the finances? Was I rewarded or punished with money as a child? How do I feel when there is money in the bank vs just getting by?

By having a curious and non-judgmental approach to this investigation, you are able to take a step back from the heated cycle and understand why you might be reacting a certain way.

Encourage your spouse to do the same and share your insights with each other, continuing with the curious and open-minded approach to promote understanding and avoid criticism.

Mistake #2: Not creating a budget and a system to track expenses

I totally get it. The thought of making a budget isn’t exactly the most exciting idea and often gets shoved into the never-gets-done “to-do” list. When money is tight, you want to avoid looking at your bank account because it’s a scary place and when there is a bit more wiggle room, you don’t think you need a budget! What a predicament.

But let me tell you this: agreeing on a budget and including items that both you and your partner feel are important, is the quickest way to curb fights about money. This set you up as a team, with a common goal in mind.

Solution:

Make a budget. Doesn’t get easier than this. Look at your last month’s spending to determine some realistic category amounts, tally up your incomes and balance the budget to zero every month (hopefully adding in a bit of savings).

Then take the most critical step to ensuring success and discuss how to keep track of your expenses. There are many options for this including using cash in envelopes, using an App on your phones or updating a spreadsheet every week. This step will require the most patience and persistence because you might need to try many different methods before you find one that really sticks.

And, hey, why not treat yourself after one month of staying on budget?

Mistake #3: Not looking at the facts together when fights began

Often in a marriage, you have one spouse who is a saver and one who is a spender. And as you can imagine, the saver usually is a bit more pessimistic about the bank balance while the spender has a more optimistic outlook.

This also applies to how much is being spent every month. Does one spouse like to grab a coffee and muffin before work and downplay the monthly cost, causing them to ignore their partner’s request to eat breakfast at home?

Without looking at the actual facts, the argument just escalates and any hope of a solution goes out the window.

Solution:

Whenever you find yourself in a disagreement about money, ask yourself if there are facts you could look at which would help you arrive at an understanding about the reality of the situation.

Fighting about if you can afford an upcoming vacation? Look at the facts: how much you have saved or can in the future and how much the trip will realistically cost. Nothing more to fight about!

Arguing over one partner’s gambling habit? Tally up how much has been spent (and won) in the last three months to discover how hard it’s impacting your bank balance.

Take the personal opinion out of it and then you can more forward together, making sacrifices and choices that are rooted in reality.

To find more tips like these, visit Janna’s blog at http://ift.tt/1FvTRlD or join the free “Transform your Marriage in 7 Days” Challenge to discover how you can change your marriage without even saying a word to your spouse about it!

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