Growing up as a child, I can remember every thing and every one around me reminding me that reading was not something to be done for fun — but rather — reading was instead something that “must” be done… not because it’s something that I want to do, or something that I choose to do, but rather because it’s something that I have to do.

And I believe that’s an absolute shame.

Because reading is fun. Reading is powerful. And reading has served me so well that I’d say it contributes to the majority of the successes I’ve experienced in my life — both personally and professionally. The rest of it comes from taking consistent and deliberate action on the things I’ve picked up from the books I read.

Today, I’m going to present 10 mind-expanding books to read in a life-time — but bear in mind: I’m not saying you should take a life-time to read them. The more of them you read, the more of the benefits you’ll gain from the books, and thus, the more of the mind-expanding ideas you’ll be able to degenerate and apply directly to your life.

#1. Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

This is a book about success… and how there’s a lot more to it than being smart and working hard. Maybe you’ve heard of Gladwell’s famous 10,000 hour rule and how it relates to success – but even then – there’s still so much more to learn about how successful people became so successful in the first place. Outliers is a must-read title if you’re looking to expand your mind about the subtleties and nuances that contributed to the success of icons like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. 

#2. Cosmos by Carl Sagan

This is one of those books that you read, and then just sit there and think. Cosmos is one of the most mind expanding books on this list because it implores you to think about our place in the universe, and the fact that even though we’ve come so far as a species, we’ve still got so much more to learn about ourselves and our future.

#3. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

This book was written over 1800 years ago, and guess what?–The powerful principles written way back then remain just as applicable today, as they did back in the 2nd century. Just read this quote and you’ll understand what I mean: “For how could we do what justice requires if we are distracted by things that don’t matter, if we are naive, gullible, inconstant?” He’s got to be referring to our texting and driving problem, right?

#4. The China Study by Thomas Campbell

If you’re interested in learning about the single most comprehensive book about nutrition conducted to date, then this is the book you need to read. The research behind this book, and it’s health and weight-loss implications will do more than expand your mind, it’ll downright surprise you (and maybe even scare you) into embracing a healthier way of life.

#5. How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

This is the original book on emotional intelligence. Way before social scientists had the case studies to back up the efficacy of human relations and it’s impact the way we live and the way we work, Dale Carnegie had tried and tested his methods of positive influence enough times to know their effectiveness. Over 100 million copies later, the methods have proven themselves by withstanding the test of time.

#6. Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

You know that feeling you get when you’re doing what you love — and it’s almost as if time just came to halt? As if five hours felt like five minutes? As if everything you were doing just felt right? As if you were doing what you might be meant to do? That’s called a “flow” state. And if you’re looking to get more of it in your life, then you should get this book right about now.

#7. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

You’ve surely heard of this classic… but what makes it so mind expanding? The fact that it’s based on principles. And principles don’t change. They’re time-less. Each of the habits laid out in this book are designed to act as individual prescriptions for effectiveness in all four dimensions of human nature: physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually.

#8. Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi

Are you interested in getting ahead and getting the edge in life — without having to sacrifice your integrity to do it? If yes, then this is your book. Never Eat Alone is a classic book on connecting with others, and must-read for anyone living in the current connection economy.

#9. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

The interesting thing about habits, is that once we develop them, they go about totally un-noticed in our day-to-day activities. For example: you probably don’t think about how many simultaneous actions go into reversing your car out of the garage and into the street safely and smoothly… you just do it. That’s a habit. But so is smoking. The Power of Habit teaches you how to be deliberate about building better habits that serve you both in life and in business.

#10. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

This book will do more than expand your mind, it’ll down right transform your life… but only if you let it. Learn about the power and wisdom that comes about by listening to your heart, recognizing opportunity, and follow your dreams in this metaphor-laden masterpiece by Paulo Coelho.

Which book will you read first?

Now that you’ve got this list of 10 mind expanding books to read in a lifetime — there’s only one question left… Which one do you read first? Should you go out and get all of them immediately? Should you read them all at once? Or should you take a lifetime to read them? So many options. So little time. Ultimately, it’s totally your decision what you do with this list and how you apply it to your life and career. But if I may, here’s what I would suggest you consider as you get started:

• Subscribe to a book summary site, like FlashBooks to get the key-takeaways from the books on this list.
• If you’d prefer to read an entire book, I would highly suggest that you read just ONE book at a time. Sometimes, when we see something new and exciting, we have tendency to want to do/learn/read it all at once… and as we all know, this is nearly impossible to do without stressing ourselves out. So, choose a book. And then commit to reading it from start to finish.
• If you’re in a rush, try Audio books, or Audio summaries.
• Finally, if you’re in a super rush, checkout some YouTube video book summaries, like this one.

Dean Bokhari is best-selling author and host of Meaningful*FM (MeaningfulHQ.com),one of the web’s most popular personal development podcasts.

The post 10 Mind Expanding Books To Read In A Lifetime appeared first on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement.

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Your inner critic doesn’t leave you alone. It tells you all kind of things:
You’re not good enough…You’ll never match up…You’re a failure…
And its voice is insistent in all kinds of circumstances, never letting you feel good about what you do.

But you keep trying to be perfect hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe your inner critic will shut up once and for all.

Your inner critic was born in childhood
You were not born with an inner critic.

It was bred during childhood and then took up residence in your brain.

You may think that childhood is an idyllic time with little pressure on you, but children develop inner critics for many reasons. One of them is unrealistic expectations.
As a child, you probably thought adults were all-wise and all-knowing, so whatever they said must be the truth. When you couldn’t live up to their expectations, you felt like a failure and your inner critic was born. It perched on your shoulder and took up permanent residence lasting into adulthood.

Copycat crafts may have bred your inner critic 

A perfect example of the effect of unrealistic expectations often happens in kindergarten or your early childhood setting.
Young children aren’t really ready for “real” learning, so lots of activities revolve around crafts. Which is fine, except in most cases, they revolve around perfect, cookie-cutter, copycat crafts.
Teachers and parents often want the children’s crafts to look as perfect as possible. If they left their children to their own devices, they’d just make a mess. So the adults create a model and have the children try to emulate it.
Children try their best, but their project will never look as good as the teacher’s, so they feel like failures. They also feel deficient because they realize deep down that the adults don’t trust them to do their own thing.
But most adults don’t realize that young children NEED to make messes and have imperfect art for their proper development.

Children need to make messy art, not masterpieces

When we allow children to do art at their own level, it nurtures a sense of self and competence even if the end result is not what an adult would be proud of.
When we allow children to create on their own and make messes, we are telling them, “ I know this is where you are at and I trust that you will do what you can at your level.”
This also helps discharge tension and allows them to represent forbidden thoughts in socially acceptable ways.

For example: It’s much better to show anger in art by painting in all black, than to punch your classmate.

When you were young and given projects that were way beyond your developmental needs, you probably started doubting yourself, which almost certainly spilled over into many other areas and carried into your adult life.

This now shows up as perfectionism with the need to do everything just right.
How to heal from that inner critic and shut him up once and for all
Have you ever heard the idea that when you fall off a horse the best thing to do is to get right back on?

The idea is to confront the thing that harmed you, in a positive form. Your trauma can be your medicine. If you indeed had negative art experiences when you were young, then the best way to heal is by recreating those experiences in a positive way.
Art therapy is one such well-known modality, helping people heal from trauma through art. It’s safe, non-confrontational and helps people cope with all sorts of negative feelings.
You don’t have to sign up with an art therapist to benefit from art therapy. You can be your own modified art therapist.
Get messy like you wish you could have as a child!

Let’s go over a few ways you can get involved with messy art that will help you get rid of your inner critic:

1-Finger-painting

Finger-painting is one of the best and most important messy art activities for kids, and if you’ve never done it, then maybe now is the time.
If you are scared that the paint may stain your clothing or your walls, and you don’t want to bring it into the house, I have an alternative: shaving cream! The cleanup will be much easier because it’s not colored paint.
The real point of finger-painting is the wonderful sensory experience you get from feeling the mushy paint between your fingers, and having the freedom to create without permanent results. Shaving cream can give you the same benefit.

2-Mixed media art

Get involved in mixed media art. It allows you to create without feeling your “drawing” is unacceptable even if you can’t draw a straight line.
Mixed media art allows you to use many different types of material like paints, foils, found materials, and various techniques like collaging that are fun and relaxing without any predetermined method.
There are usually no models to follow and it is a great confidence-builder and inner critic-destroyer, as there is no wrong way to do it.

3-Children’s art

Get young children involved in “process only art.” This means the process, not the end product, is what’s important.
Very often when we have suffered from a traumatic experience, getting children involved in the opposite experience can help us to heal.
If there are no children in your life…then it’s time to be a child again for just a little bit (No tantrums though, please).

4-Unplanned watercolor painting

If you want to stretch out of your comfort zone to quiet your inner critic, there is an incredible tool that will help you learn about living and working creatively each day. Easy watercolor painting will teach you improvisational skills and help you turn off your self-censoring as you learn to let yourself go through the guided exercises.

I myself have been going through this process with a book called Painting your way out of a corner (By Barbara Diane Barry). It uses watercolors as the medium to help you break free from your inhibitions and heal. It’s a wonderful book and a must-read for all who would love to get unstuck.

So get ready to silence that inner critic

You have a choice now; you can give a little smile at these ideas and go back to beating yourself up and wallowing in perfectionism.
Or, you can take the bull by the horns and say “I will silence my inner critic. Bring on the shaving cream!!!!”
Now go do some messy art and get rid of that inner critic once and for all.

————

Faigie Kobre is a reignited art teacher who loves to help others reignite their natural, inborn creativity they thought they didn’t have, to help make their lives so much better and more fun . To begin you can get a free copy of her pdf guide 25 exercises to rekindle your natural creativity 

The post How Making A Mess Can Silence Your Inner Critic appeared first on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement.

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Years ago, when I was just starting my career as a physical therapist, I worked with stroke patients at a major rehabilitation hospital in New York City.

Every day, I would help patients out of bed and into the hallway– where we would practice the basic skill of walking. With each step, I would direct the patient’s attention to the essential mechanics: foot placement, step length, knee/hip position.

It could easily take a few minutes to walk 10 feet.

One thing became clear early on: the patient absolutely had to focus their attention on each step or they would lose balance and fall into my arms.

They had to use the immense power of the conscious mind in order to take one simple step.

Something that just days before had been an easy, automatic activity, was now tedious and difficult.

And it was here in the hallways of a hospital that I fell in love with the brain. What a miraculous instrument.

This organ allows you to walk down the street, while talking on the phone and sipping your coffee at the same time.

The way it does this is by laying down neural networks that become automatic. The reason you don’t have to think about walking is because that function– along with many others like breathing– is under the control of the subconscious mind.

The subconscious mind is a wonderful piece of machinery. It literally frees your conscious mind— the part that is aware and has wishes, desires, creativity– to do all the high level thinking.

It would take me many years to realize that the subconscious is not just responsible for automatic, learned movements like walking.

It’s also here that your deepest held beliefs are wired.

So in the same way that you are not consciously aware of walking, you are also likely unaware of repetitive thoughts such as “I am unworthy”, “I am poor”, or “I don’t deserve love”.

These thoughts become so ingrained from early childhood that you think them as easily as walking down the street.

And these automatic thoughts can bring you a lot of struggle and pain in life. Here’s why.
The subconscious mind is a powerhouse

The thoughts in your subconscious mind shape your reality much more strongly than the ones you generate in your conscious mind. Your subconscious is bigger and more powerful than your conscious mind.

Scientists use the image of an iceberg to illustrate the difference between the conscious and subconscious minds.

The tip of the iceberg that is above water represents the conscious mind. And the rest of the iceberg– the significantly larger portion that is submerged– represents the subconscious mind.

When you look at an iceberg on the horizon, the part you see is only a tiny portion of the whole. And make no mistake: the submerged part holds more weight.

Here’s an example of how this plays out in life. Suppose you want more money. Let’s say you even talk out loud in front of a mirror to reinforce the affirmation. “I want more money”.

Realize that you can repeat this mantra a thousand times but if your subconscious mind holds the thought “I am poor”, this is what you will keep materializing in your reality.

You will keep manifesting a lack of money, no matter what you consciously say or think.

So what do you do? How do you change these subconscious thoughts that may be sabotaging you?

You do the same thing my stroke patients did while relearning to walk: practice.

Rewiring the subconscious mind

Practicing essentially means that you repeat the movement or thought you want until it becomes automatic.

You rewire your subconscious mind.

In my experience, there is a 3-step sequence I use for subconscious rewiring that is simple and effective.

1- See the pattern. Seeing is always the first step. To see means that you bring to your conscious mind that which was previously subconscious.

For my patients, that meant they first had to understand consciously that they couldn’t walk as they did before. They had to accept where they were in the present moment.

The same holds true for a subconscious thought such as “I am poor” or “I am unworthy”. You use the power of your awareness to see that thought.

You bring the thought into your conscious mind.

2- Refocus your attention. Once the subconscious thought sees the light of your awareness, you can now literally rewire it.

You divert your attention to that which you want.

Using the “I am poor” example, you focus not on the thought itself but on what you want.

You plant a seed in your subconscious mind that is completely opposite to that thought.

“I am abundant”. Look in the mirror and repeat it. “I am abundant”. Feel the truth of that statement in every cell of your body.

“I am abundant”.

Don’t just say those words or think them. Saying something is easy.

The trick is that you feel this truth with your entire being. You can see, smell, taste, and touch abundance.

Every single time you focus your attention on this new seed, this new thought, you are allowing it to sprout.

The awareness of your conscious mind is like the sun shining on a seed.

3- Practice gratitude. If awareness is like the sun shining on a seed, gratitude is the water that is also essential for it to sprout.

Awareness and gratitude work together.

Be grateful for what you have now. Be grateful for where you are now.

I vividly remember how gratitude played out for my patients. The ones who accepted what had happened and felt gratitude for being alive had much better outcomes than those who were angry about their situation.

Gratitude literally helped my patients relearn how to walk.

The same can be said for other subconscious patterns too.

Observe. Consciously refocus. Be grateful.

That’s how you rewire your subconscious mind.

Pretty soon, your subconscious mind will think “I am priceless” or “I am abundant” as automatically as it moves your legs while you walk down the street.

And that’s how you attract abundance in all its forms.

 

Christina Lopes, PT, DPT, MPH

Christina is an energy healer, channel, spiritual teacher, and experienced clinician. You can connect with Christina on her website (http://ift.tt/1C9lA83), or through Facebook and Twitter. To download a free copy of Christina’s “Mastering the Art of Breathing in 5 Essential Steps”, click here.

The post How To Rewire Your Subconscious Mind in 3 Easy Steps appeared first on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement.

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A friend of mine recently complained that the quality of jeans had lately declined. “They have a tendency to shrink over time,” she said. “They fit tighter and it’s getting difficult to button them up.”

Do you have the same problem?

Deep inside you realize it’s not the jeans, your shape became curvier. And you also notice the shortness of breath you have after walking up just one flight of stairs. It’s obvious you need to exercise. Buying a gym membership isn’t a bad idea but how can you fit that into your already busy schedule? That would be tough.

Let’s be honest, you are just looking for an excuse, right? And I understand why. You pay your gym fees and feel obligated to go, and we generally don’t like obligations. You will likely miss a day or two once in a while, and then have a week-long gap because of that dreaded project deadline. Besides, if you are really out of shape, working out in the gym might be a bit intimidating to you. You might feel inferior to those confident, buff gym junkies, and soon will stop showing up. That will relieve the pressure and discomfort (which we human beings are always looking for, aren’t we?) but, at the same time, you will get frustrated and disappointed with yourself.

While all these problems can be figured out, there is a much easier way to start getting fit—good old WALKING. While working out, running or playing sports might not be for you, walking is a perfect exercise for everybody.

You already do it every day, don’t you? But the thing is you don’t do it enough. It’s recommended that people walk 10,000 steps a day. On average, Americans walk 4K-5K steps a day. And the usual route is the walk to the car, to the desk, to the grocery store (once or twice a week) back to the car and back to His Majesty, THE COUCH.

Walking daily is one of the easiest physical activities you can do to improve your health. You can literally do it right now. I CHALLENGE YOU TO GO FOR A SHORT WALK AFTER YOU FINISH READING THIS ARTICLE. If you decide to do it this very second, without reading to the end, I won’t get mad at you, I promise.

Walking doesn’t require preparation, special equipment, a budget or to be in a good health condition. It has a long list of incredible benefits:

It reduces stress. When you are irritated or upset, go for a walk. You will come back calm and refreshed. How does it work? Exercising, walking in our case, promotes production neurohormones that are associated with improved cognitive functions and elevated mood. Raising the heart rate reverses damage to the brain caused by potentially stressful situations.

Clear thinking. For many of us holding a 9-5 cubicle job, mornings are usually quite stressful. Walking during lunch, and in the evening, after a long, tiring day, can help you sort things out in your mind.

Walking can help ward off dementia. The hippocampus and prefrontal cortex in our brain are crucial to memory formation and complex thinking, and their decline can be a predictor of Alzheimer’s disease. Interestingly enough, as researchers at the University of Pittsburgh discovered, these are the very areas responsive to physical exercise. The higher intensity of workouts correlate with growth of both the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex. This finding means that exercise can help us prevent a cognitive decline.

Emotional balance. If you want to relax and tune out of all the chatter, walking is the tool for doing that. Pay attention to the trees and flowers you see on your walk, the chirping of the birds and aromas in the air.

It tightens your muscles, including glutes that are in danger of being atrophied if you are a “desk jockey” (simple English: sitting on your butt too much).

It is less stressful on your joints and is perfect for beginners or people with arthritis or osteoporosis because it is a low-impact exercise. A workout is considered low-impact if at least one of your feet remains on the ground at all times. It strengthens your bones. Walking prevents osteoporosis. UCSF research shows that people who walk on a regular basis have healthier knees.

It reduces pain. My dad, who advocates taking long walks, has a knee problem. Every time he had pain, he would walk even more. It seemed counter-intuitive to me. You would want to be careful in those situations, right? Well, Australian researchers found that walking reduces pain in people with osteoarthritis.

3 GREAT ADVANTAGES OF WALKING:

1. It doesn’t require equipment. All you need is a good pair of walking shoes. Don’t go crazy, though. It doesn’t have to be a huge investment.

2. It doesn’t require a specific location. You can walk ANYWHERE: in your neighborhood, in the woods, on the beach, in the city, you can continue the list. If you are on a business trip, not only can walking serve as a workout, but also as sightseeing.

3. IT IS FREE.

For those of you who shamelessly consider walking a boring exercise, I advise that you pair it up with a few activities to enjoy additional benefits.

Listen to audiobooks while walking. http://ift.tt/sb2UWv is a great source. I personally would choose a physical book over any other version—there is nothing like holding a real book in your hands and flipping the pages—but, considering the often crazy pace of life and a lack of time, an audiobook is much better than no book. But don’t replace reading, deal?

Listen to podcasts. This is one of the best forms of education you can ever get, and it is one of my favorites. Download podcasts to your iPod and listen to them whenever you have time. I listen to podcasts when I drive or clean the house—it makes these chores, especially cleaning (hate it!), less depressing.

Learn a new language. Don’t we complain we have no time for that? You can learn dozen of new words and phrases during your walk. http://ift.tt/1nG0mYx.

Practice your photography. You can take lots of amazing pictures regardless of the location of your walk. You don’t need your bulky camera, a cell phone is enough, unless you are a professional photographer.

HOW TO START WALKING EVERY DAY.

Well, going outside for a short walk is easy, right? But how to develop it into a habit? Your success will depend on a few things:

Start with a small goal. Walk 15 min a day. Too much? OK, do 10min. Too difficult? If you are completely out of shape, or obese (that’s fine, I still like you), walk 5min a day, but do it daily for a week. Double the time the following week. Difficult? Do small increments, nobody cares how slow you’ll increase your walking distance. You are not in a competition. No pressure. JUST DO IT.

Find a partner who will keep you accountable, encourage you to stick to your plan. It will actually be a mutual thing, you will support him/her as well, which, in my opinion, is a pleasant feeling. It might be a family member, a friend, a neighbor, a PTA parent or someone from your church.

Change your route occasionally. If there is a park, a river, a pond or trail close to your house, alternate your route location to make walking more fun.

Invest in a good pair of walking shoes. Don’t go overboard or turn it into a week-long research to find the best one on the market to start walking. If you do that, you are just procrastinating. In the beginning, you can walk in your most comfortable shoes, and keep looking and shopping around for a better pair if you want to, but don’t put off your daily walk. Steve Kamb walks in Vibrams. They seem very comfortable and I am thinking of buying a pair for myself.

Challenge yourself to stick to your walking routine for 30 days. Mark each day in the calendar, or keep your daily log, or journal about it. Better yet, start a blog. Why not? Share your daily experiences, challenges, photos for that matter. There are lots of people who do that. You might get loyal readers and have a great opportunity to inspire others.

Join your local walking or hiking group. You can find it at: www.meetup.com. You will become a part of community of people who will encourage and help you. By doing so, you are going to kill more than two birds with one stone: you will exercise, meet new people and make new friends, and have lots of fun.

Reward yourself. Reward is a powerful strategy in developing a new habit. At the end of the week, when you successfully met your goal, treat yourself to something you like (junk food is not an option, there must be something else you like, think hard). Buy yourself a book; go to a movie or a spa.

Positive affirmations. The direct connection between mind and body has long since been proven and this subject is not arguable anymore. You must have heard this: “Change your thoughts; change your life.” When the mind thinks healthy thoughts, the body finds it easier to be healthy. Using positive affirmations is a powerful way of creating healthy habits:

I WALK EVERY DAY TO KEEP MYSELF FIT AND HEALTHY

TODAY IS THE BEST DAY FOR A WALK

I AM FILLED WITH ENERGY TO DO EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ME HEALTHY

Drink enough water. You have to drink water before and after your walk. In hot weather or when on a hike, drink it while you walk.

Warming up before walking is a must. Unfortunately, this step is often ignored. By warming up, which is exercising at a low intensity, you get your blood circulating, preparing your body for exercise. This will prevent injuries. Do easy movements, such as ankle circles, leg swings and pelvic loops for 5 minutes.

TAKE IT UP A NOTCH

Add weighted ankle or wrist straps to make walking a little more challenging.

These weights securely strap around the ankles and provide more intensity and resistance. Ankle weights help with faster weight loss by burning 5 to 15 percent more calories than walking without weights.

There are several types of ankle weights with various poundage. The American Council on Exercise recommends that you limit the weight amounts to 3 lbs. If you have joint pain, check with your doctor before you begin using ankle weights.

Walking is a very simple, low impact exercise with endless benefits. Don’t spend days shopping for the best walking shoes, pedometer, methods to measure your progress and mapping out the route. JUST START. NOW. The rest you will figure out later.

Don’t forget to set your daily, weekly and monthly goals. For example:

Week 1 walk 10 min each day

Week 2 walk 15 min each day

Week 3 walk 25 min each day

Set your goals at any number you are comfortable with. The main goal is to MAKE WALKING A HABIT.

Anna Ayrapetyan  is a happy mother of two, a wife and a blogger who is passionate about healthy lifestyle. In her younger years, she overcame a serious digestive disorder by changing her diet and using natural treatments. Anna started her blog http://ift.tt/1DKwTCg with a goal to help people achieve health by altering their eating habits, eliminating processed foods and cooking healthy, nutritious meals.

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When my son was only a few months old, I made a vow to myself that I would learn, and have the courage, to say no to things.

Now that he’s three, with another one on the way, I am revisiting that same vow.

Up until the point of being able to say no, I thoroughly enjoyed saying yes; I love doing the work. I was constantly on the go. Networking, building, creating, being involved with various groups and committees.

It’s something that’s very fulfilling for me. I enjoy meeting new, inspiring, high-energy, people. I like starting and building new projects.

The one consistent thing with all commitments is time.

We all have the same twenty-four hours in each day. Life is a bunch of choices and we have the choice on how we spend that precious time.

When I vowed to myself that I would begin to say no to things, what I was really doing was making more time for my family (family is number one to me and always will be).

When you take a step back and look at your day, if your family is at the top of your priority list, it’s almost scary to see the number of hours (lack of hours) we actually have together.

Doing some quick math I figure, that with my own family’s typical daily schedule, we spend a total of six hours of each day together. During that time there’s bath, meals, dishes, etc. It’s scary!

It completely breaks my heart. I don’t want to look back fifteen years from now and say I wish I would have been home more and spent more time with my children when they were young.

So part of this vow on saying no was really making room to spend as much valuable time with my family as possible.

I don’t believe in work-life balance. I look at it as a blend, it’s all life.

The big thing I learned, thus far, is that it’s not about being involved with everything, but rather involving yourself with the right things.

For me to say yes to things, I now prioritize those commitments, projects and opportunities.

In doing so, I ask myself these 5 questions before saying yes:

1. Where can I add the most value?

With time being my most prized resource, I want to make sure that what I am committing to is something I can add value to. Something that I can leave my mark on and make a difference to those involved; either now or down the road.

I look for things where I can offer my unique abilities.

2. Where can I gain the most?

This is where I get selfish. When thinking about what I want to commit to I look at the projects where I would gain the most.

Meaning, I never want to be the smartest person in the room. So I’m continuously seeking opportunities where I can learn the most about the things I want to learn more about.

At that same time, while I am adding value and providing my unique abilities, I want to be consuming other people’s unique abilities; those different from mine and particularly, the abilities that I lack completely.

This question may sound one-sided but I always commit to adding value first. This is a “givers-gain” mindset. Give to something where I can add the most value while gaining tremendous knowledge in the areas I lack from people way smarter than me.

3. What kind of people will I be surrounding myself with?

The people we surround ourselves with affects us tremendously. They affect our drive, motivation, beliefs, energy. They ultimately affect our output, as a person, as our work, as our art; both good and bad.

I want to be around the people who I aspire to be myself. I want to surround myself with highly motivated, energetic, intelligent, like-minded people.

4. Is it something that makes me feel good?

This is where I align commitment with passion, purpose and my heart.

This feeling will drive a lot of the other things going on in my life. It will affect the other people I am closest to. If it becomes just another task on my checklist, not only will I begin to feel the wear, but those around me will sense it and feel it as well.

I want to align it as closely to my core, my DNA, as possible.

5. Am I able to commit 100%?

When I say yes to something, I mean it. I want to give it my best 100% of the time. I want to give it my undivided attention and the attention that it needs and deserves; and ultimately, the attention that I promised.

When I noticed myself saying yes to everything I began to see the quality and productivity go down. I was spreading myself too thin.

We are wired to be able to think we can do it all. We may be able to, some make it work really well, but I can almost certainly say something is being sacrificed.

For most of us, we need to learn to say no.

Eric Ungs is founder of the Unless You Care Project. He writes and coaches about leading a life of intentional self growth, nudging you to let go; to give yourself permission to be vulnerable and honest with yourself so you can give your best self to others. Author of 10 Incredible Ways to Live a Fulfilling and Joyful Life ebook. Connect with Eric at UYCproject.com and on Twitter.

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Talk to someone about themselves and they’ll listen for hours / Dale Carnegie

*Sigh*

Social gatherings are unnerving.

Do you feel uncomfortable around other people?

They talk … and you sit there like a fish. You try to join in the conversation but you struggle to find the right words. And everything you say sounds bland.

Why can’t you be a bubbly and engaging person?

I used to be awkward at social gatherings. I was stressed out about finding the right words. And when I said something it turned out completely wrong. I felt dumb.

But I implemented a simple plan. A plan to become interesting. To compel people to listen.

Shall I explain?

1. Read Like a Psychic

As a kid I loved watching psychic shows.

The dim lights. The quiet music that raises the tension as the psychic picks a volunteer from the crowd.

As expected the psychic reads the volunteer like an open book.

But once in a while he would miss.

He would say that the 40-year old man in a suit had made a big investment lately. And when he found out he was wrong, he’d say that the image wasn’t clear, and he’d soon make a big investment like buying a car, or a house, or property.

But when I grew up I found out their dirty little secret.

They don’t have supernatural powers. They’re exceptionally good at reading people. They obtain a great deal of information by analyzing the person’s body language, clothing and manner of speech. And then they make an educated guess.

The same approach works when communicating.

When you meet someone, don’t just look at him. PAY ATTENTION.

• Notice his clothing, body language and manner of speech.

• Engage him with questions using what you have observed.

• Notice subtle cues such as changes in facial expression or body language. They indicate whether you’ve nailed it or not.

Make it a game. Discover as much as you can about the other person.

Did you make him excited? Intrigued? If not, keep guessing.

Enchant people with your observations. Captivate them with your questions.

2. Write From The Heart

 Do you struggle with words?

Start writing.

It helps you develop your ability to express your ideas verbally. To come up with the right words every time.

But writing is not enough.

Ask yourself.

When you want something, how much logic do you use?

How much is based on emotion?

When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion / Dale Carnegie

Listening to an emotionless speaker is like eating a bland dish. It might look delicious but after one bite you lose interest and move to a yummy piece of cake.

Spice up your writing.

Write from your heart. Get excited. Touch your audience. Make them feel your words.

When you speak from the heart you become enthusiastic. When you speak your truth you get excited. And enthusiastic people are so much more interesting listening to.

Write frequently.

You may not feel it happen, but it will change you. Drastically. You’ll still be you, but you’ll be a better version of you.

And you’ll see the results.

Where you used to get a halfhearted response from people, you’ll start getting their full attention.

Your thoughts will be formed better.

You’ll be more enthusiastic and your language more vivid, letting your emotions shine through.

Apply to emotions. Compel people to listen.

3. Stop Talking

You know how this goes.

You’re enjoying a cup of coffee with your friend.

He’s ranting about his job, how his boss gives him a hard time. Riding his ass the whole day for being late. But you’re so immersed in your own thoughts that you hardly hear what he’s saying.

When having a conversation do you listen? Or are you trying to come up with something smart to say?

Start listening.

Don’t try to come up with a solution. Pay attention to what the other person is saying.

Be truly interested in him. Ask questions.

Most people think they need to have smart ideas to be a good conversationalist, but it’s far more important to ask good questions.

This makes you an interesting conversationalist even when you say almost nothing.

Heck, you might even learn something new.

The Truth About Becoming Interesting

Being interesting is not about being an extrovert.

It’s not about having charisma or not.

To have a good chat, you need to listen more than you talk.

Pay attention to the other person. Be curious about him. Encourage him to speak.

Make him feel you’re genuinely interested in him.

Captivate him. Fascinate him. Enchant him.

Sweep him off his feet.

 

Benny (@BenjaminMalev) is an energetic family man. He’s on a mission to help men live their life to the fullest, while putting their family first. Join him and learn to live a vibrant life at Vibrant Dad.

 

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