You failed your driving test. Your marriage just fell apart. You had to close up your business. You lost your job for whatever reason. They all point to one thing. Failure. Or I should say, what the majority of people like to consider failure. Why can’t everything just be perfect? Why can’t like go exactly […]
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Step 1: Slap yourself in the face. Hard, preferably. Because if a slap in the face seems too painful to consider, then whatever problem you’re dealing with right now is really not that big of a problem. You’re likely just milking it for attention or the chance to feel sorry for yourself. It’s only when […]
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“A loud voice cannot compete with a clear voice, even if it’s a whisper.” – Barry Neil Kauffman
There is no need to impress somebody because it compresses and depresses our inner voice. If we are not directing our real energies, we will become Mr. /Miss Nobody. When we focus on our interest areas, then everybody will admire our effort.
When an external noise suppresses our inner voice, we are not able to shape our identity in a natural manner. By adopting someone else’s ideas, we cannot design our roadmap. Our creativity screams for a subtle space to spread the bright color of free thoughts. Your inner buddy is your real buddy as it travels with you in every phase of life. This buddy creates a pleasure zone in which you experiment in a comfortable manner. As these experiments are carried out in your supervision only, there is no need to waste time in the blame game.
How does it feel when someone comes to you and ask these questions:
a) What are you going to do with your life?
b) Why are you wasting your time on these silly things?
c) I am not getting, what are you trying to prove?
Sometimes, we are not able to communicate our ideas with others. It happens because the other person may perceive our great ideas from a different angle. Instead of devoting most of the time in telling people about the importance of your big ideas, it’s better to show the magnificence of your art by the work only. Move beyond explanations and develop intimacy with your work. Don’t work on people’s expectations only, work for your inner desire.
There is no need to block your budding ideas. They create a soothing atmosphere by revealing all fake covers in a subtle manner. By expressing our real opinion, we shake off all burdens from our shoulders. There is no need to weigh the potential of your ideas. Ideas are not big or small because your ideas are YOUR ideas. If you are not able to connect with yourself, you can’t find the real champ within you. If you are directing energies to your real aim, then no external agents can break the solid foundation.
Raise your inner voice to unlock the doors of big dreams. Break all barriers to unleash the hidden potential. Everybuddy is blessed with unique powers to discover a wonderful route. We just need to smash all closed doors by embracing the warmth of our inner buddy. By clearly projecting our vision, we move beyond all the dark routes in an easy manner. Break all doors which are choking your way with their hollow foundations.
We just need to seal all negative regions by healing the past events with a positive feel. We must learn from our past. Don’t attach to past events. Instead of creating a negative and dull environment, generate positive feelings. Your positive thinking will heal all negative past and fill the future with all bright possibilities.
So, are you ready to listen to your inner buddy?
I want to conclude the post with deep thought by Leo Brown -“Listen to your inner voice, your own soul; too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves.“
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I’ve often wondered what type of weather suits my personality. I love the snow, and love being indoors when it’s raining outside, or even walking in the pouring rain, there’s something really cosy about that.
That’s what’s so good about staying in Scotland; you get lots of different types of weather, from one extreme to another. I would hate it if I stayed somewhere like California, where it’s always hot and sunny.
Anyways, here’s a great little personality quiz asking what type of extreme weather is your personality.
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Making friends is not easy for a lot of people, and for some the thought of speaking to others is terrifying. This can be debilitating in your life and if you’re the self conscious type it makes it even worse. You might worry about what people think of you, you might be thinking about saying the right thing too much, rather than being yourself and engaging in authentic conversation.
Many people suffer from self consciousness and the need to impress, and it shows. It’s easy for people to say: ‘relax, just be yourself’ that’s no good when you don’t really know who you are as you’re trying to impress too many different kinds of people.
I was self conscious around very intelligent people, but I got over it once I realised I was intelligent enough to speak to intelligent people, how intelligent is that!!
You can’t make friends with people until you know what type of people you want to like. To know what type of person you want to like you have to know yourself first.
How on earth do you begin to know yourself?
Write yourself down on a piece of paper, seriously.
On a sheet of paper get to know yourself by asking yourself questions, for example:
What type of films do you like?
What type of books do you like to read?
What sports do you like?
What are your hobbies?
Who do you like to spend time with?
What are your best personality traits?
What are your worst personality traits?
What are your goals?
What are your values?
What are your principles
By asking yourself lots of questions, you will begin to understand what makes you tick. When you know this you begin to see how you will live your life and then it will become clear what type of friends you want in your life. You have to know your own values and principles before you befriend other people.
If you don’t really know yourself you will befriend some people and maybe later on you will wonder why you ever befriended that person, it’s because they are not aligned to your true values and principles.
So, sit down with a good cup of tea, or whatever is your want, and make a date with yourself. Getting to know you, may sound ridiculous but you may be surprised how much you will find out about yourself.
Once you have found out what your true values and principles are, it’s time to look at your friends and find out if you really want to stay friends.
I remember having some friends in my teens. When I realised I wasn’t aligned to their values and principles and they were not aligned to mine, I decided to split from them. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make but it changed the course of my life.
Aligning yourself to the right people, and by that I mean the right people for you, you will become comfortable with yourself and you will start to feel confident and secure in your environment.
Once you are secure you can then start to move a little outside your comfort zone and stretch yourself. For example, if one of your values is to be a positive person, it will be natural to want to be around positive people. If you have been around negative people a lot, it might be out of your comfort zone to try and befriend positive people. However you will eventually do this, as you will be more secure and confident within yourself and know what you really want in life.
The world has never been so connected but we have never been so alone. When was the last time you had a conversation with your neighbours? When did you last strike up a conversation with someone in a lift (an elevator)? Our world has become so exciting and manic that we are forgetting to connect with each other.
If we want to speak to someone we send a ‘quick email’ or give them a ‘quick call’, if we want to see our friends holiday snaps we check out their Bebo site, if we want to meet someone new we check out a dating website.
If we want to make true friends with people, we have to start connecting with them on a genuine way.
A lot of us have become so psychologically and politically aware that we are all playing games with each other. When you are dating someone new have you ever held off calling that person for fear of them knowing you like him or her, have you ever come across this scenario:
You have met someone you like and it’s clear they like you, you go to call them to meet up:
You: ‘He might think I like him too much so I will hold off calling them, I’ll wait another few days’
Them: ‘I wish she would call, I don’t want to call in case she thinks I am desperate, I’ll wait another couple of days and call her’
We play games at work, in our love life, in our business life and even in our family life. All of this adds up to us feeling even more alone and isolated from each other.
If it’s one thing I have learned in life that has helped me more than anything and that’s being honest and genuine. By genuine I mean not having an agenda when speaking to someone. I have gained a reputation of being a very honest and open person. If somebody asks me a question that they may not like the answer to I always ask ‘Do you want me to tell the truth here or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?’ I have mixed reactions to that question, but it has gained me a great reputation of being trustworthy and honest.
It’s time to stop playing games and being honest with yourself and being honest with others, this will start you on the road to connecting with others again.
Being honest can be hard for some people however the effort of being honest will stand you in good stead for making friends easily.
We all need people to help us in life, we need love, we need praise, and we need conversation. Even online we need people to help us reach our goals. If it wasn’t for you reading this article right now I wouldn’t have a blog, I wouldn’t have 2000 subscribers to this blog, I wouldn’t have written one single word if it wasn’t for you. I have made some great contacts through blogging and I am one of the most anti-social people you could meet, however I choose my relationships wisely and don’t collect friends for the sake of it. I recognise the importance of creating lasting friendships for myself and for others.
We are social creatures and we all need somebody. Why not smile at that person in the lift and strike up a conversation, stop and speak to your neighbours for 5 minutes, have a genuine conversation with no agenda with your work colleagues. It’s time to become a social-human again instead of a techno-human.
It’s easy to say be honest and open with everyone but there is an art to being honest.
I remember when I was about 19, I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub, (that was back in the day when you just went up to a girl and tapped her on the shoulder and she was obliged to dance with you). I was talking away to her, just general chitchat. I then asked when her baby was due, as she was obviously pregnant. She looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had said, obviously the music was too loud, I then asked her ‘When is the baby due?’ looking toward her stomach. She glared at me and said ‘I’m not pregnant, I’m just ******* fat’ and she then stormed off. Now that was embarrassing. What did I learn from that? – Never ask a fat woman if she is pregnant! Yep, but I learned to keep my mouth shut until I was sure of the facts else a swift kick between the legs could be on its way. That wasn’t about honesty it was about diplomacy and tact and it ties in nicely with the art of honesty.
Honesty is telling the truth to people and telling the truth to yourself. This is a big distinction to make. Some people lie to themselves and can’t get to the truth, as they are lost in their own self-lies.
To gain respect from others and to have respect for yourself it is important to be honest and true to yourself and others. If you are honest from the outset you will gain a reputation for being an honest person, therefore you will gain the reputation for being trustworthy, therefore gaining the reputation of being dependable. Being honest can open so many doors for you.
To practise honesty you have to start being honest with yourself.
Are you a lazy git – if so, admit it and do something about it,
Are you fat – Admit it, and do something about it if you’re not happy with it
Are you gorgeous – Admit it and make the most of it
Are you good at something – admit it and keep learning to become better
Do you really want that job – Look for another one and chuck the one you don’t like
Do you really want to be with your partner –
There are many questions to ask yourself and ask you must to ever have self-respect.
Once you are comfortable telling yourself the truth it is time to tell others in a way that is neither offensive or hurtful.
Q. Do I look fat in this? –
A. It’s not the kind of thing I would wear, now unless they have a very low IQ they will know what you mean here but without hurting and embarrassing them.
Q. Can you to take on another project? –
A. I would love to work on that, however I want more time with my family and I am already working on ……………This is being assertive which goes hand in hand with honesty once you have practised honesty for a while.
I am sure you can think of hundreds of scenarios where you have to tell the truth but feel a little uncomfortable doing it. If you shy away from telling the truth or standing up for yourself practise little by little. Once you’ve overcome the first honesty hurdle the rest become easier.
My wife always asks me my opinion on something she is wearing, or something she wants my opinion on, as she knows I will be completely honest without being hurtful and she respects that.
If you want more respect for yourself and you want others to respect you it is important for honesty in your life.
There are two rules I would use when being honest:
When you are being honest with other people, be tactful not hurtful
When being honest with yourself, be blunt and take action.
We’ve all read about body language and seen TV programs about it. It’s one of the most important parts to communication we can master and there is an art to body language, both the receiving of body language and the giving out of body language.
Learning about body language can help when making friends and when wanting to help your overall interaction with others personally or in business or in the workplace.
You might not realise that body language has wide range of components. Here are the main categories:
Although body language skills can be learned to a degree it is extremely difficult to teach due to the nature of humans and the different shapes and sizes we come. However if we know the components of body language and have a rough idea of the structure we can become better body language communicators.
Obviously to look at each component and write about it would be a book in itself so I will give an example of each component and direct you to a useful website.
Kinesics: This is how we use our body to let others know how we are feeling. Some body language signals used are:
Shoulder shrug: The simple act of a shoulder shrug can tell someone a lot about you if you use this gesture a lot. It’s basically telling the other person that you are quite submissive, you’re telling them you don’t know something and sometimes you’re saying you don’t really care. It’s also a sign of resignation and possibly that you’ve given up on something.
You can read more about Kinesics here
Proxemics: This is the use of space to signal privacy or attraction to someone. There are four different types of space: social space, personal space, intimate space and public space.
When you are attracted to someone you will notice that you will stand closer to them and don’t mind them coming into your personal space. On the other hand if you are not attracted to someone your personal space becomes bigger and the person that enters that space will be given clues by you to back off or you will back off.
Be careful to read the signs correctly about personal space as it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing for you and the person you are with, if not read correctly.
You can read more about Proxemics here
Haptics: The use of touch to convey feelings. Have you ever had someone who touches you on the shoulder or the arm when they are talking to you? This is the use of Haptics to convey a sign or trust or attraction. Think about a time when you are chatting to someone and they touch your arm when they are telling you a story, this happens quite a lot in human interaction, but only with people who trust you or whom you trust.
This also happens when two people are attracted to each other and it is a way of touching the other person in a non-sexual way but still give the sign that you are interested in them.
Couples use haptics all the time to convey love for each other and of course to show love for each other.
You can read more about Haptics here
Oculesics: This is the use of eye contact to convey your feelings. We will use eye contact every day of our lives so it makes sense to learn the best ways to use your eyes to your advantage.
Certain situations demand different uses of the eyes. For example, if you are arguing it is seen as strong if you can hold your gaze. If you are deferring to someone it is better to lower your eyes, if you are loving someone, it is good to stare into the pool of the eyes.
Eye contact is one of the most important areas in non-verbal communication.
You can read more about Oculesics here
Chronemics: Use of time, waiting, pausing. I remember being obsessed with time when I was meeting someone for a date. My mantra was ‘If they are not on time for a date they are not that interested’. I used to wait for 15 minutes tops and would then leave. This is of course a bit silly, but it said a lot about me and it says a lot about the other person as well.
Your speed of speech is also a non-verbal indicator that you are in a hurry, or you don’t think people will listen long enough to let you speak slower. There are a lot of Chronemic indicators in body language and it is one I find the most interesting.
There are two types of people when it comes to chronemics, see if you can recognise yourself:
Monochronemic person: someone who does one job at a time, concentrates on the job at hand, adheres religiously to plans, emphasizes promptness, and is accustomed to short-term relationships.
Ploychronemic person: do many things at once, highly distracted and are subject to interruptions, change plans often and easily, have a strong tendency to build lifetime relationships.
Read more about Chronemics here
Olfactics: The use of smell to help us in our lives. We all know that smell is important when it comes to warning us of dangers, for example rotten food smells, which is a warning to us not to eat it.
Humans also use this knowledge of smell to attract a potential mate. This is why the perfume industry is still booming and also why ads portray deodorants in a sexual way.
Vocalics: Tone of voice, timbre, volume, speed. Another important aspect of human interaction especially for sales people, public speakers and politicians etc. Your voice gives a lot of clues about how you are feeling at any particular time.
If you speak to quickly it could be sign that you think that what you are saying is not worthy of being heard. Speaking too loudly is a sign of brashness and pomposity, speaking too softly is a sign of being too timid and lacking confidence. Your voice holds a lot of clue to the type of person you are.
Read more about Vocalics here
Adornment: What you wear and how you wear it. What you wear is another indication of your personality. One classic example is wearing something to distinguish you from another group, think about the mods and the rockers, or Goths, punks, teddy boys, skaters etc.
Your hairstyle is another part of adornment and the way you wear your hair says a lot about you.
Think about the phrase ‘First impressions last”, most people dress to impress when meeting someone for the first time or for going for an interview, this is part of the non verbal communication side of adornment.
Locomotion: Walking, running, staggering, limping. How do you walk when you are felling depressed or low? Shoulders hunched head down, walking slowly. Now think about how you walk when you are feeling bright and confident; head held high, chest out, walk quickly.
The way you walk tells a person a lot about you. I always walk in a confident way even if I am feeling low, it helps me to get into a better mood and feel more confident. When you are feeling weary trying walking as if you are confident and very happy, pretty soon you’ll be feeling more confident and happier.
Read more about Locomation here
As you can see I have only touched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to body language. It is a fascinating subject and one I would recommend learning about. Most of us instinctively can read the signs of body language but we can always learn more and gain advantage when it comes to making friendships in all areas of our lives.
The quickest way to lose potential friends is to put yourself down all the time. People who do this, no matter what’s going on in their lives, are very tiresome and drain everyone’s energy.
The self-deprecator
We’ve all been the victim of self-deprecation before. The times when we have lost our confidence in ourselves and used language that conveyed to others we were incapable of doing things. Now this is okay as we quickly recognised it or our friends, family and colleagues would ask us why we were putting ourselves down and hopefully we would get out of self-deprecation mode and regain our confidence.
For some people they have developed the art of self-deprecation and function very well. They draw people in and make people feel sorry for them, thereby offering help when someone is putting themselves down, this quickly becomes tiresome and the person who is helping all the time will start to avoid the person putting themselves down.
Self-deprecation can also be an indicator of some form of mental illness; severe depression, and stress. It can also be an indicator of some kind of trauma in someone’s life such as abuse, in the past and in the present. Many women who suffer from domestic abuse are prone to self-deprecation. Therefore, we as colleagues, friends and family have a duty to try to understand what is going on in someone’s life and help them through difficult times.
There are ways to deal with people who put themselves down all the time. Here are just a few things you can do:
If you constantly say to yourself you can’t do something, guess what, you won’t be able to do it. If you don’t do things you will sink further into the ‘can’t do’ attitude and try even less activities. The less you try to do the lower your self esteem will become. This is a vicious circle and is hard to break if not recognised.
If you are someone who puts yourself down all the time there are a few things you can do to try and stop the cycle and regain your self confidence
The way you speak to yourself internally will literally change your beliefs about yourself. If you constantly tell yourself you’re no good at something you are literally hypnotising yourself into believing that. Don’t underestimate the power of self talk.
Low self esteem and low self confidence can be debilitating but you can break the habit by changing the way you think and changing the way you speak. Stop the self deprecating talk and start to learn more about yourself and build on your successes.
To attract the type of friends you want you will have to know what type of friends you want to attract, makes sense doesn’t it.
Using the principles of manifestation you can attract to you the type of friends you want in your life.
Although it sounds like another airy-fairy law of attraction type of thing, I know this works as I have used it myself and have married my best friend, my wife. I used to imagine what she looked like, what type of personality she had, how she would react in certain situations etc I have also attracted business relationships this way, friendships, online acquaintances and even readers to my blog. I know it sounds sad thinking about the type of readers you want to read your blog, but I am a bit weird that way. ‘What’s really going to bake your noodle’ is would you be here if I didn’t think about you reading this blog.
This is quite simple. You think about the different attributes that you would like in a friend; honest, strong minded, fun, attractive or whatever it is you are looking for in a true friend. You imagine them and the different situations you would be in together and how they would react if different situations. You imagine feeling a strong bond with them and having a lasting friendship. Imagine yourselves together in years to come and how your friendship will evolve. You imagine going to their parties, meeting up with your future partners, going through difficult times with them.
You don’t go looking for friendships; your friends will come to you when the time is right.
There is one huge condition to you attracting your friends and potential partners and that is belief. Belief that it will happen when the time is right. This usually means getting rid of all your negative emotions such as feeling lonely, feeling jealousy, hate, depressed; all these feelings will hamper you in meeting your true friends or potential partner. Why is this? When you body and mind is riddled with negative emotions you are concentrating on yourself and your energy field will be low and not very expansive. When you have let go of negative emotions your energy field will be much more expansive and far-reaching, touching the lives of those you want to meet. Have you ever come across someone who just radiates energy and they seem to attract everyone around them? This will be because they have let go of their inhibitions and their negative emotions. These people are usually happy go lucky people and don’t really care what other people think about them and can take people as they are and see they positives in everyone. Don’t get me wrong you still get the people who attract everyone else around them due to their self confidence and yes they may be nasty or unkind but this type of person usually breaks down later on in their lives due to the masking of their negative feelings and emotions.
Of course it does, because for most of us we simply can’t believe in a world that is interconnected and we are all at this very moment touching each other’s energy. If you don’t believe it can work it won’t work. For some, like me, it took years to start believing in the power of thoughts and manifestation, but it has changed my life in immeasurable ways and I can only pass on what I believe. If you believe it’s a pile of cow dung, that’s great I respect your opinion. However, I would urge you to try it for a week or two and really try to believe in it before dismissing it.
If you’ve read all the other parts of the series you will have a strategy for getting to know yourself and getting to know others. Now I want you to take all that knowledge, roll it into a little ball and then I want you to be yourself.
How many times have you heard someone say ‘Just be yourself’. You’re going for an interview and someone gives the sage advice ‘you’ll be great, just be yourself’ , after you’ve picked them up off the floor and apologised for smacking them in the mouth, you ask yourself ‘what does that mean?’
.
Being yourself means you are comfortable with who you are and you are confident enough to realise that not everyone will have the same opinion of you. You will not be at the stage of trying to impress everyone all of the time and you’ll know this is impossible anyway. You’ll know that what others think about you does not matter, and you will save so much time in your life by not worrying about what others are thinking about you.
We have all met these types of people before and they are instantly recognisable. They have a quiet confidence about them, they are not brash, not ‘in your face’ confident, not loud, just confident within themselves, not afraid to speak up and not afraid to voice their opinion when needed. That’s what being yourself means.
It’s a shame, but most people do not become confident within themselves until later on in life. That comes with all the realisations in life and that it really doesn’t matter what others do, say or think.
Unfortunately you can’t learn to be yourself by reading this article but I can give you hints on developing yourself enough to really be yourself.
Never gossip
Always be honest but tactful
Family comes first
Always be on time
Be trustworthy
Be faithful
Hard working
These are obviously just a few and I am sure you have your own principles and values. However, a lot of people don’t know what principles and values they live by. So it is good to look at the type of life you wish to lead, look at the core values and develop your life around these.
If you have read all of this article you will notice a common thread among them all and that is know yourself and be comfortable with who you are. Until you really get to know yourself and know how you want to live your life, making friends might be difficult or you may make bad choices.
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Positive attitude. Hard Work. Will Power. Focus.
All these are pretty important in living a good life, right? Well, maybe. Maybe not.
What if I told you that there is a missing piece to the puzzle? Something in the absence of which, these concepts may actually work against you rather than for you.
Apple
Here’s an interesting incident from the movie “Jobs” based on Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple.
Steve’s co-worker was constructing the circuit board for personal computer. Steve noticed that the components on the board had a disorganized look. When he pointed this out to his friend, he replied, “The appearance is not important. What is important is that the board should work and make the computer run. The look does not matter.” To this Steve replied, “It matters to me.”
If there’s anything that Apple has proved, it is that “design matters”.
So the question remains, what makes you unique?
Here is a short list of influential peoples of the world and what made them unique.
Mother Teresa – service to others.
Thomas Alva Edison – Persistence (10000 failed light bulb experiments).
MK Gandhi – Alignment with truth and non-violence.
Albert Einstein – Imagination (thought experiments).
Do you see what makes these people unique? In each of the case above, you can find at least a single idea that was really important to them.
In order to find your own uniqueness, you need to dig deeper into yourself.
You are unique because of all the things you care about. The principles and ideas that make sense to you and feel right. And you want live in harmony with them.
Steve cared about design. And that is what makes Apple devices unique.
When you live in harmony with the ideas that are important to you, you build a life on purpose. It feels naturally joyous because what you do is directly related to what you care about. There is no mismatch.
If you are a regular reader of blogs like this one, you may often come across stories of people in the comment sections that run somewhat like this.
Completing their education from school and college, they settle down into a job. They go on to earn a good living but only to realize a decade later that they don’t really care about the work. What they had been doing all along was based on external reasons (social patterns, family preferences etc) rather than their inner desires. They may be well positioned in terms of finance and stability but there appears to be a growing discontent.
Few brave souls set out to make things right and go on to realize that it is only when they do what truly matters to them, they find fulfilment and true joy. The ride may be rough initially but the new “meaning” to life is very rewarding and they go on to be happier than they ever were before. And this is what makes them unique.
In the book 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE, Stephen Covey explains how to solve problems at their root level. Suppose you’re trying to find a place in a new city using a map. Now if you have a wrong map, your positive attitude no longer counts. In fact, the more positivity you put in, the faster you will arrive at the wrong destination. It is not about having positive attitude. It is about addressing the real underlying cause.
Each time you feel something is missing, you may be tempted to work harder, think more positively etc. But that will get you nowhere. You will be like the person trying hard to find the place in the wrong map. The harder you try, the faster you fail.
The solution is to admit that you care about the board design and work to make it beautiful.
Here are a few examples of how to act in harmony with what matters to you.
Honesty
You prefer to be honest even when you can reap benefits by acting otherwise, because honesty matters to you.
Kindness
You are happy to help a stranger even though there is nothing to be gained in return, because kindness is important to you.
Freedom
You are willing to find means of self employment rather than look for a job because freedom matters to you.
Managing Anger
You don’t lose your temper because keeping cool is important to you.
An example
A friend of mine recently described his vision for the life he wants.
“I don’t want to take up a regular job. I want to live in the mountains with a river nearby. I wish to cultivate deep peace within myself, away from the hustle of the city. I’d love to work with small kids (be a teacher or something) and also learn from their natural tendency to live with joy.”
Can you make out what is important to my friend?
Peace. Nature. Teaching small kids. Joy.
He is not the regular guy who works 10 to 6 at a job. He is the guy who lives in the mountain near the river and teaches the kids.
He is unique.
Here’s an exercise for you to get started.
Take a piece of paper and start jotting down all the ideas that matter to you. You can keep expanding your list in the future but you should be able to come up with at least ten things right now. It should go something like this.
Abundance, financial stability, happiness, travelling, truthfulness, courage (fighting fear), personal growth, eating delicious food, career based on true passion, dancing etc.
Pick out one idea that inspires you the most. Write down three actions that you can start taking right now to live in harmony with this idea.
For example, if you select to work on “courage”, you could decide to introduce yourself to a stranger to fight your shy nature.
Take these actions each day for a week.
With each action you take, you’ll get closer to the things that are important to you and make you unique.
If you live your life out of harmony with what you truly want, you end up getting lost in the crowd. Also, any success that you accomplish will feel shallow and unfulfilling.
Center your life around what truly matters to you and you will stand apart from the ordinary.
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Do you ever feel that you are stuck in a world you don’t really belong?
You’ve tried your hardest to fit in, to go along with the crowd and be part of the world of clock watchers, but somehow this life and the people in it seem just a little too baa baa. You might have known this from a very early age and thought of yourself as a little weird, a little strange, and others might have ostracized you for it. However, in time, you learn to live with the clock watchers, whilst learning to grow your consciousness at a different rate from others. You think that little bit deeper about things, you are more intuitive, you seem to physically feel other peoples pain, you sense their emotions without them speaking a word. You might be more in touch with your spirituality than others and ask questions that others don’t seem to care about.
Then it could be that you are a Fringe Dweller
I first heard this term from the works of Stuart Wilde, an amazing spiritual, non religious, author. As soon as he described it, I immediately identified with it and no longer viewed myself as this weird person living in a strange world. I learned to become even more of a fringe dweller whilst at the same time learning to live with the clock watchers, or people of the ‘tick tock’ as Stuart describes them:
Fringe Dwellers are people who don’t fit the norm. I say they are not hippy revolutionaries living rough, or social weirdoes; the one’s I speak of are ordinary people, you can’t tell them apart from others. It’s their minds that are different. They don’t relate to the rules and regulations of the status quo, the rhythms of a tick-tock life leaves them uninspired and listless.
I came to see how the Fringe Dwellers are in a different evolutionary spiral, because they aspire to belong to a world of higher consciousness, rather than have ideas and morals imposed upon them by a system that has corrupt values, one that often doesn’t really know what its talking about.
I remember when I was 11 years old and staying with my auntie. She stayed near some big hills, which were beautiful to me as they led directly to the stone beach and the sea and it was an amazing place to spend time alone. I remember this particular night it was pouring with rain, but I had this irrisistible urge to put on my parka jacket and walk down the hill. The rain battered the pavement as i crossed to walk down the path, that cut through the hill. I was bored with life, I knew there was something more to life and I could almost feel it beside me, it was an energy, but it frustrated me as I didn’t know what it was and couldn’t get in touch with it. As I walked in the pouring rain, I decided I wanted to die. I wanted to die and find out what this feeling, this energy, this other life was. I lay on the banks of the hill as the rain fell and I stretched out my arms on either side of me. I felt the beautiful rain on my face as I lay there for what seemed like hours (it was more like 30 minutes or something). I was soaked through, I didn’t die, but I felt much better, more calm and less weird than I had before.
That’s one example of my ‘weirdness’ that I now know as a craving to reach a higher consciousness quicker. I knew I didn’t belong to the world of clock watchers, but what I didn’t know was how to live with the clock watchers and grow myself at the same time. In time I learned how to grow the spiritual side of me, but it wasn’t without a lot of angst and heartache. Now! I know my place in the world, and I’m totally cool living in the tick tock as more and more of the fringe dwellers discover themselves and are starting to change the consciousness of the world.
Usually fringe dwellers know there is something different about them, but due to the beliefs and knowledge of the clock watchers, they are thought to be a little weird, or strange, or socially awkward. That’s not the case, they are just vibrating at a different energy level from the clock watchers. A lot of the time they torment themselves with questions like, why am I different, why can’t I seem to fit in. However, eventually what happens is that the fringe dwellers unconsciously seek out other fringe dwellers. People with normal jobs, normal lives, but somehow think a little differently.
Fringe dwellers are highly attuned to other people and are naturally empathetic people. You seem to feel the emotions and pain of other people, and may seem a very sensitive to the plight of others. This is completely natural, but you do have to be careful not to overexpose yourself to other peoples pain.
You have probably asked the question a thousand times: What the hell is this life all about, surely there has to be more than living in the clock watchers world? Day by day, month by month, part of the answer is revealed to you.
The thought of a great job, with a great salary, a great pension and lots of benefits bores the pants of you. You want to live life, experience the unknown, start your own business, write a book, anything to stop the boredom of the tick tock life.
Fringe dwellers are by nature creative people. They have tapped into a higher consciousness which requires them to let their spirits be a little more creative and to express it in different ways: the arts, writing, talking about something more than the latest celebrity gossip.
You crave some alone time as the world of the clock watchers seems to get too much for you sometimes. You find yourself attracted to nature, to the woods, to the sea to the hills where everything feels just as it should, free, natural and beautiful. No this is not some hippy speak, it’s a craving to be alone and a lot of this alone time feels better when in nature.
You might have noticed that you are in the right place at the right time, or you found a book just when you needed it, or you bumped into someone who was able to help you with a problem. Little, seemingly, coincidences like this will happen more and more as you open yourself up to your higher consciousness. You will also find that you are more able to attract what you want in life and become part of The Magic
Fringe dwellers are not usually stuck in their ways and question all religion, but are open minded enough to read and find out more about the spiritual practices of different religious groups. They strip the man made stuff out of religion and are able to focus on the essence of the teachings. You are also open to experimenting with different spiritual practices and see the benefit of a wide range of practices as it raises a different part of your energy.
Fringe dwellers are often entrepreneurs, or people who go to different countries to offer their services to a charity to help others, or to save the trees, or the pandas in some remote part of the world. A normal job to you is like putting a hot needle in your eye, it’s painful to even think about it. You are here to change the world, and raise the consciousness of the world that little bit more, so don’t be afraid of being a fringe dweller, embrace it and go change the world.
Are you a Fringe Dweller, are you just waking up from the clock watchers world? leave an FB message below and let us know your thoughts.
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Science has discovered two major traits that have been proven to have a wide range of benefits, intelligence and self-control. We do not have much control over our intelligence (note that this is different from learning, we can all learn) but we can strengthen our self-control.
It is very interesting to note that self-control acts in the same way as a muscle, getting tired out after repeated use. In an interview with Researcher by Roy F Baumeister, who conducted a study in self-control; he concluded that self-control is a limited resource. It is more difficult to perform consistent acts of self-control.
In an examination he performed to gather data on the power of the will, one group of participants was asked to eat chocolate chip cookies while the other group was asked to resist chocolate chip cookies and eat raisins instead.
Afterwards, they were told to work out a geometric puzzle that had no solution. The first group, who was able to indulge in chocolate chip cookies quit after about twenty minutes. The group that had to practice restraint and eat the raisins quit, on average, after only about eight minutes.
This goes to show us that our self-control gets tired just like a muscle but it can be built up over time by exercising it and allow you to perform extraordinary feats of will.
When we exercise self-control after making a decision it becomes more difficult. When we practice self-control first, it becomes easier to make decisions because our minds switch to simpler processes. For example, a dieter may avoid a donut first thing in the morning but after making tough decisions about work and life all day, their self-control may have slipped by the time they should say no to cake as dessert after dinner.
Research at Duckworth Lab at the University of Pennsylvania’s positive psychology center concluded that when self-control was measured against talent over time the ones that practiced grit rather than relying on talent came out as more successful. For example, in an experiment carried out between two groups at West Point, those that relied on self-control had a better chance at being able to move past the first summer of intense trials over those that had domain relevant talents such as physical fitness.
In a study conducted by Meldrum et al. A group of 1600 adolescents in US schools were asked if they had taken a fictitious drug and if so, how frequently.
Out of the participants, 40 said that they were familiar with the medicine and had taken it in the past.
This goes to show that some people can’t help lying and those that have low self-control are more likely to succumb to the impulse even if, like in this situation, they have nothing to gain from it.
In a study by Bertrams et al., participants were asked to solve math problems while under pressure. The participants that were evaluated as having low self-control were distracted by negative thoughts and did much poorer than their disciplined counterparts.
Self-control allows us to focus our energies on the task at hand and tune out distractions which make sure we perform to the best of our abilities. It also allows us to kick those negative thoughts out of our head, a major impediment to long term success.
Although self-control is not the end all be all when it comes to making millions, it is an incredibly significant factor.
In a study conducted in New Zealand that shadowed 1,000 children over the course of 30 years. It was determined that those who had high levels of self-control went on to land high income jobs and had significantly lower levels of addiction. Only 10% of the children with developed discipline were in low income jobs as opposed to over 30% of those with poor discipline being in low income jobs.
Have you ever held two conflicting desires in your mind like wanting to eat a the last piece of red velvet cake after dinner but at the same time wanting to drop a few pounds?
People that are able to practice self-control have more harmonious lives because they avoid situations in which they have to choose between desires.
Instead of fighting with themselves over eating the last piece of cake to stick to their diet, they would not have bought the cake in the first place and therefore prevent themselves from being exposed to conflicting desires.
Self control is one of the most important skills that we can learn to harness. The positive effects spill over into many different parts of our lives and allow us to make better decisions and experience a better reality.
Self control is not all bout denying yourself pleasures, it also encompasses working towards a higher ideal and sacrificing some things in the now in order to achieve long term goals. Many people are unable to make exert the necessary will power to make the changes that they so desire in their lives. One thing that holds true no matter where you are or where you are going, nothing TRULY worthwhile every came without putting forth a little effort.
“I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself.” Pietro Aretino
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We all want to reach our goals. We’ve got exciting plans, cool projects and important things we want to accomplish.
Maybe you want to start a business, get skilled at something or get your finances under control. Or you might want to eat healthier, exercise regularly or start a morning meditation habit.
The sad thing is that many of us just aren’t reaching our goals. We take a few steps and then stop. We promise ourselves we’ll take up a new habit or routine – we last a few days, maybe a week, and then we’re back to our old ways.
We forget, we get distracted. We come up against too many obstacles. We feel overwhelmed by all the tasks involved. Life gets busy. Old habits take precedence over the new habits we really need to cultivate.
How can we radically improve our success in reaching our goals?
Here are the 3 high-impact habits you should cultivate if you want to achieve your goals. The reason many of us don’t reach our objectives faster is because we’re usually doing the opposite of these essential habits.
Develop single-minded focus.
There are a lot of reasons behind a lack of focus – busy schedules, an inability to say ‘no’, choosing immediate pleasure over long-term rewards, time-consuming responsibilities, time-consuming people (red alert!) and other reasons.
If we want to reach our goals, we need to do something different. We have to stop zig-zagging all over. We have to give up “start-stop-maybe later”. We need laser-like focus.
Work on one thing at a time. Completing tasks is vital to feeling motivated and successful. It feels unsettling to have a list of half-finished or barely-started goals, projects and tasks. Commit to the task that’s in front of you. Take it to completion.
Minimize distractions. You already know which ones. Entertainment, email, social media and sometimes even certain people. Yes, even funny cat videos (well, save those for the weekend maybe).
“Focus means saying ‘no’ to everything while working on your task, project or goal. Block out the world and say ‘yes’ to the task in front of you.”
Develop both short-term and long-term focus. Short-term focus helps you with your immediate tasks and long-term focus is what directs you to keep giving attention and energy to your long-term goals.
When you apply long-term focus, you’re committing to something over the long haul. You might only spend a few days a week on your goal, but over a period of several months, you keep dedicating time to your goal on a regular basis.
Cultivate relentless determination.
Imagine a hungry dog in your kitchen and you’ve placed a big, juicy steak on the counter, just slightly out of his reach. He becomes a slobbering mess in anticipation of this perfect treat. That dog is going to try again and again to get that steak. He’ll try all day, he wants it that badly.
That’s determination. You need to be that slobbering, hungry dog.
Ok, maybe I’ve gone too far with that one, but cultivating determination is essential if we want to make faster progress. Determination = intensity. It’s heat. Passion. Hunger.
Quite often, we’ll only make one or two attempts at something new or difficult. When we don’t get quick results, we label our efforts (and ourselves) as a failure. The real problem is we just gave up too soon.
Whatever you’re working on, commit to it. And each day, commit to it just a little bit more. Keep coming back to it and don’t let it out of your sight.
Remind yourself daily why you want your goals. Vividly imagine all the positive benefits you’ll get and how amazing you’ll feel once you’ve opened your first business or become conversational in Italian or started your morning Yoga routine.
This will be the fuel that drives your determination. Drink up. Slobbering is optional.
Make small, steady improvements.
Learning, growth and skill development usually happen over a period of time. We don’t have to be immediately amazing at something.
If you focus on making incremental improvements every time you work on your tasks and goals, before you know it, you will be skilled at your task, perhaps even highly-skilled.
Each time you’re doing an activity, review what didn’t work. Resolve to do something different. Make adjustments. Refine your process.
Do this again and again every time and you’ll see that your confidence and skill level will grow massively.
By this time next year, you could very well be a tightrope-walking, fire-eating opera singer. Or whatever your goals might be. Am I the only one going for that one?
These three habits work together. They all complement and augment each other.
Think how powerful your actions will be once you become focused, determined and are continually making small improvements. You’ll be an unstoppable force.
Going after your goals doesn’t have to be a painful process. In fact, using these high-impact habits, you’ll even enjoy tackling your goals and blowing past obstacles. So go for it. Your goals are worth it.
What’s been your biggest challenge in reaching your goals? How do you stay focused, determined and in a mode of continually improving? Let me know in the comments section below. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!
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Over the last few decades women have really stood up against the patriarchal society we live and said ‘enough is enough.’ Although we still live in a patriarchal society, the boundaries are being blurred thanks to some of the most influential music of our time.
I thought I would compile a list of 25 songs that depict the changing attitudes of women over the last 50 years, particularly over the last 20 years.
In no particular order here are:
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Sig Nordal 