3 Ways To Heal Your Shame

3 Ways To Heal Your Shame

heal your shame

The storyteller in our heads is so used to being judgmental, cruel and even vicious, telling us not only that we did something wrong (this is guilt), but that we are bad and wrong (this is shame).  And it influences our lives from underneath our everyday awareness, keeping us cut off from the vast and healing regions of our own hearts.  I used to have an extremely cruel judger inside of me and as I began to be curious about it, listening to what it was saying, I discovered that the judger never sees things clearly.

Paula Stokes1

There are 3 things that can help you to unhook from the voices of guilt and shame:

1.  Relate to, not from, your shame

It helps to understand that Life is in charge of Life.  Life puts you in situations to help you see your shame and all of the other states, so you can learn to relate to them rather than from them.  So, how can you relate to these stories and begin to heal your shame?  By being curious about what is here rather than trying to change, numb or bury the feelings.   The healing you long for happens when you can be with what is.  It is not easy, especially feelings of shame, because the stories in your head can be very seductive.  Your unconscious mind really and truly believes that you are only okay if you do life perfectly.  Of course, perfectly is a very relative position.  Perfect to one person is not perfect to another.  The more you wake up, the more you see that everything is exactly as it needs to be.  It is never about what is going on at the surface.  It is always about what is going on underneath.

2.  Be curious and compassionate with the judger

Judging has been a key part of your survival system.  You were conditioned to think this way when you were very young.  You can learn to be curious by asking the question, “What does this bring up inside of me?” and then you can bring compassion to the parts that need your attention right now.  “Oh, the judger is here.  I see you.  You are the one who believes I am doing it wrong (or I am wrong).”  The only power the judger has over you is when you think it is the voice of truth.  But it is not.  You can learn how to see this judging quality in your head rather than believing what it is saying.  You can even move beyond judging this judger!

As you become curious, you can learn to unhook from these states, or what I call spells.   The next time something happens in your life that brings up feelings of shame, ask yourself the question, “What are the stories that my shame voice is believing right now?”  Remember, it is a process.  In discovering the phenomenal healing power of being curious and compassionate , you will have access to it and then you forget, and then you remember at a deeper level and you forget, and you go to an even deeper level of remembering and then you forget, only to remember again.  That is how life teaches us.

3.  Tune into your body and feel the shame

You have probably buried most of your shame your entire adult life and have tried to pretend it doesn’t exist, or in some cases, you may not even be aware it exists.  But it does.  As you are awakening, Life is bringing you very uncomfortable experiences for a reason.  They are tailor-made for you, custom-designed so that your feelings will come out of hiding and you can say “I see you.”   When this happens, tune into your body and ask yourself, “Where in my body do I feel the shame?  Is it in my belly?”  Say hello to the tight belly and soften.  Put your hand gently on your belly and say, “I see you.”  If it is in your neck, back, or shoulders, give these tight, uncomfortable places your attention.  Maybe even give them a little massage now and then.  Be gentle with yourself.  These are moments of healing.

The next time something happens in your life that brings up feelings of shame, ask yourself this question, “How can I be with this feeling right now?”  And then say hello to the one who feels he/she is bad and wrong.

Image – Leaded Glass Panel by Seattle Artist Paula Stokes (in collaboration with Eric Mead)  www.paulastokes.com 

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Marriage and Money: Don’t let Finances Ruin your Relationship

marriage and finances

marriage and finances

In my own marriage, money issues started really early on in our relationship. Being very young and without any sort of savings, my new husband surprised me with a brand new mountain bike for my birthday. I mean, it was a super sweet gift but… the money had come out of our joint banking account which barely had enough in it to cover the month’s expenses.

And so our journey began.

With me holding on tight to any cash that came in, terrified to release control and loose the feelings of safety it gave me, and my husband having a more optimistic, easy-going attitude about money, enjoying the sense of freedom it provided.

It’s easy to see where this was headed…

So after years of struggling with this issue, I want to share with you the top 3 mistakes we made and what you can do differently to avoid all the struggle we experienced!

 Mistake #1: Not talking about our history with money

This is the biggest and most common mistake that couples make when it comes to finances. It’s really human nature to think that the way we feel about an issue is the way everyone thinks about it! But, the truth is that you come to the table with different experiences and messages about money, mostly from you childhood. And these pre-conceived ideas can dictate your fears and spending behavior, more than you ever thought possible.

Solution:

Ask yourself a few questions: What did I learn from my parents about money? Did one of my parents control the finances? Was I rewarded or punished with money as a child? How do I feel when there is money in the bank vs just getting by?

By having a curious and non-judgmental approach to this investigation, you are able to take a step back from the heated cycle and understand why you might be reacting a certain way.

Encourage your spouse to do the same and share your insights with each other, continuing with the curious and open-minded approach to promote understanding and avoid criticism.

Mistake #2: Not creating a budget and a system to track expenses

I totally get it. The thought of making a budget isn’t exactly the most exciting idea and often gets shoved into the never-gets-done “to-do” list. When money is tight, you want to avoid looking at your bank account because it’s a scary place and when there is a bit more wiggle room, you don’t think you need a budget! What a predicament.

But let me tell you this: agreeing on a budget and including items that both you and your partner feel are important, is the quickest way to curb fights about money. This set you up as a team, with a common goal in mind.

Solution:

Make a budget. Doesn’t get easier than this. Look at your last month’s spending to determine some realistic category amounts, tally up your incomes and balance the budget to zero every month (hopefully adding in a bit of savings).

Then take the most critical step to ensuring success and discuss how to keep track of your expenses. There are many options for this including using cash in envelopes, using an App on your phones or updating a spreadsheet every week. This step will require the most patience and persistence because you might need to try many different methods before you find one that really sticks.

And, hey, why not treat yourself after one month of staying on budget?

Mistake #3: Not looking at the facts together when fights began

Often in a marriage, you have one spouse who is a saver and one who is a spender. And as you can imagine, the saver usually is a bit more pessimistic about the bank balance while the spender has a more optimistic outlook.

This also applies to how much is being spent every month. Does one spouse like to grab a coffee and muffin before work and downplay the monthly cost, causing them to ignore their partner’s request to eat breakfast at home?

Without looking at the actual facts, the argument just escalates and any hope of a solution goes out the window.

Solution:

Whenever you find yourself in a disagreement about money, ask yourself if there are facts you could look at which would help you arrive at an understanding about the reality of the situation.

Fighting about if you can afford an upcoming vacation? Look at the facts: how much you have saved or can in the future and how much the trip will realistically cost. Nothing more to fight about!

Arguing over one partner’s gambling habit? Tally up how much has been spent (and won) in the last three months to discover how hard it’s impacting your bank balance.

Take the personal opinion out of it and then you can more forward together, making sacrifices and choices that are rooted in reality.

To find more tips like these, visit Janna’s blog at http://ift.tt/1FvTRlD or join the free “Transform your Marriage in 7 Days” Challenge to discover how you can change your marriage without even saying a word to your spouse about it!

The post Marriage and Money: Don’t let Finances Ruin your Relationship appeared first on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement.

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Marriage and Money: Don’t let Finances Ruin your Relationship

marriage and finances

marriage and finances

In my own marriage, money issues started really early on in our relationship. Being very young and without any sort of savings, my new husband surprised me with a brand new mountain bike for my birthday. I mean, it was a super sweet gift but… the money had come out of our joint banking account which barely had enough in it to cover the month’s expenses.

And so our journey began.

With me holding on tight to any cash that came in, terrified to release control and loose the feelings of safety it gave me, and my husband having a more optimistic, easy-going attitude about money, enjoying the sense of freedom it provided.

It’s easy to see where this was headed…

So after years of struggling with this issue, I want to share with you the top 3 mistakes we made and what you can do differently to avoid all the struggle we experienced!

 Mistake #1: Not talking about our history with money

This is the biggest and most common mistake that couples make when it comes to finances. It’s really human nature to think that the way we feel about an issue is the way everyone thinks about it! But, the truth is that you come to the table with different experiences and messages about money, mostly from you childhood. And these pre-conceived ideas can dictate your fears and spending behavior, more than you ever thought possible.

Solution:

Ask yourself a few questions: What did I learn from my parents about money? Did one of my parents control the finances? Was I rewarded or punished with money as a child? How do I feel when there is money in the bank vs just getting by?

By having a curious and non-judgmental approach to this investigation, you are able to take a step back from the heated cycle and understand why you might be reacting a certain way.

Encourage your spouse to do the same and share your insights with each other, continuing with the curious and open-minded approach to promote understanding and avoid criticism.

Mistake #2: Not creating a budget and a system to track expenses

I totally get it. The thought of making a budget isn’t exactly the most exciting idea and often gets shoved into the never-gets-done “to-do” list. When money is tight, you want to avoid looking at your bank account because it’s a scary place and when there is a bit more wiggle room, you don’t think you need a budget! What a predicament.

But let me tell you this: agreeing on a budget and including items that both you and your partner feel are important, is the quickest way to curb fights about money. This set you up as a team, with a common goal in mind.

Solution:

Make a budget. Doesn’t get easier than this. Look at your last month’s spending to determine some realistic category amounts, tally up your incomes and balance the budget to zero every month (hopefully adding in a bit of savings).

Then take the most critical step to ensuring success and discuss how to keep track of your expenses. There are many options for this including using cash in envelopes, using an App on your phones or updating a spreadsheet every week. This step will require the most patience and persistence because you might need to try many different methods before you find one that really sticks.

And, hey, why not treat yourself after one month of staying on budget?

Mistake #3: Not looking at the facts together when fights began

Often in a marriage, you have one spouse who is a saver and one who is a spender. And as you can imagine, the saver usually is a bit more pessimistic about the bank balance while the spender has a more optimistic outlook.

This also applies to how much is being spent every month. Does one spouse like to grab a coffee and muffin before work and downplay the monthly cost, causing them to ignore their partner’s request to eat breakfast at home?

Without looking at the actual facts, the argument just escalates and any hope of a solution goes out the window.

Solution:

Whenever you find yourself in a disagreement about money, ask yourself if there are facts you could look at which would help you arrive at an understanding about the reality of the situation.

Fighting about if you can afford an upcoming vacation? Look at the facts: how much you have saved or can in the future and how much the trip will realistically cost. Nothing more to fight about!

Arguing over one partner’s gambling habit? Tally up how much has been spent (and won) in the last three months to discover how hard it’s impacting your bank balance.

Take the personal opinion out of it and then you can more forward together, making sacrifices and choices that are rooted in reality.

To find more tips like these, visit Janna’s blog at http://ift.tt/1FvTRlD or join the free “Transform your Marriage in 7 Days” Challenge to discover how you can change your marriage without even saying a word to your spouse about it!

The post Marriage and Money: Don’t let Finances Ruin your Relationship appeared first on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement.

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Feng Fu Point – A Surprising Trick to Feel Good

There is a point in our body which, when stimulated, acupuncturists believe promotes overall well being.

The point is called Feng Fu (Translated into English as ‘Wind Mansion’).  It’s a pressure point found at the base of the skull just below the bottom ridge of the skull cap at the top of the neck.

Feng-Fu

Feng Fu Ice Cube Method

What I found really surprising is that when an ice cube is placed at the Feng Fu point once or twice per day for twenty minutes it is supposed to help with the following:

  • Improve your sleep;
  • Improve the digestive system;
  • Eliminate frequent colds;
  • Decrease headache, toothache and joint pain;
  • Improve your breathing, cardiovascular system;
  • Manage neurological disorders, degenerative changes in the spine;
  • Cure gastrointestinal and sexually transmitted infections;
  • Manage disorders of the thyroid gland;
  • Help with arthritis, hypertension and hypotension;
  • Help with asthma;
  • Manage disorders in the gastrointestinal tract, obesity and malnutrition;
  • Reduces Cellulites;
  • Manage menstrual disorders, impotence, frigidity, endocrine, infertility;
  • Manage psycho-emotional disorders, stress, chronic fatigue, depression, insomnia;

I first read about the Feng Fu Point in an article at BeautifulMind but kind of dismissed it at the time.  But, the next time I had a headache I thought I would try it, not expecting much to happen apart from getting a cold neck. However after about 15 minutes my headache was gone.  It might have gone of it’s own accord, so I tried the ice cube method for a week to see if I felt any different overall.

I actually did feel as if I had more energy and felt ‘lighter’ somehow, and didn’t have any headaches in the mornings which I am prone to.  I thought it was worth telling you about it here so you could do your own research on it.

According to Chinese traditional medicine, the Feng Fu Point method does not treat. In fact, it brings the entire body back to its natural physiological balance, provides strong life impulse and rejuvenates the entire body.

Note:

This method should be avoided if you are pregnant or you suffer from schizophrenia or have a pacemaker.

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10 Motivational Good Reads

The Top 10 Motivational Good Reads

top books on motivation

We all could use a little “self-help.” And that is probably the reason that the “self-help” sections of book stores are so large – everyone has a program or plan to sell us – one that will change our lives forever! The problem with many of these books are that they are:

  • Boring and long
  • Impractical for a large segment of the population
  • Focus on theory and principles rather than “nuts and bolts” suggestions

So, as I look at “motivational” literature, my picks are those books that have the following traits:

  • They are short and, if not, they have enough anecdotes and examples to keep the reader interested
  • They offer practical advice – methods by which the reader can change his/her attitudes, thinking or behaviors right now
  • Suggestions for improvement are actually realistic – things that all of us can incorporate into our daily lives right away

The other issue with motivational books is that there are just so many of them “out there.” And often, people who want and need to makes changes in their have a tendency to buy one after another, thinking that each new find will have the “magic bullet” to change their lives. The reality is this: if you continue to buy motivational books, even if you actually read them all, you become completely scattered. The way to make changes is to find that one book that “speaks” to you best, forget about all of the others, and focus on the advice that it gives. Read it, read it, and keep reading it (or at least passages of it) on a daily basis. Nothing will “stick” unless you do this.

With all of this in mind, here are my picks for motivational books that have some diversity but that may spark something in you. If one of them does, settle into it exclusively.

You Can Win: by Shiv Khera (1998)

The most famous quote from this book is, “Winners don’t do different things; they do things differently.” While the theme is quite typical, success is built through personal growth, Khera is nonetheless pretty practical about it all. He outlines 7 steps to building self-confidence that are pretty practical; he provides exercises and tools for turning weaknesses into strengths, and emphasizes the concept of “doing the right things for the right reasons.” The book is filled wilI great stories that will hold the readers interest and that model the advice he gives.

 

The Power of Positive Thinking: by Norman Vincent Peale

This book is not for the faint of heart, because it is rather long and the style is of the 1950’s. It may also not be for those who have a purely secular approach to life. But if you can get over those possible drawbacks, there are principles and very practical suggestions for turning thought and attitude around. For example, if you are feeling depressed, like a failure, or that you have been a victim, make a list of all the blessings in your life. Compare those blessings to the starving child in Ethiopia or the homeless drug addict on the street. This one practical suggestion is the reason why I have a large sign on my refrigerator door still today with just one word – “Gratitude.” I see it several times a day, and it is a constant reminder to follow Peale’s advice.

 

Who Ate My Cheese?” by Spencer Johnson

Change is inevitable, and I this century it is coming faster than we would ever have envisioned. Our inability to accept and adjust to change is what according to the author, creates unhappiness, stress, and lack of success. The principles of dealing with change, such as learning how to anticipate it and thus prepare for it, are taught through a parable of mice and little people, and the cheese (one’s environment, goals, relationships, etc.) continue to be “moved.” How we respond will determine our happiness and success. This is a short, snappy read, with some great lessons.

 

Fish: by Steven Lundin

What a great book! It is the fictional tale of a young woman who is suddenly widowed and is the manager of a department that has worst reputation of the entire company – it is unproductive, workers are unhappy, and no one is invested in their task responsibilities. The woman happens to visit Pike Place Fish Market, and things quickly change. If you are unfamiliar with this fish market, it is internationally famous for the fun and laughter (and throwing fish) in the workplace. The department manager ultimate learns the lessons that make the fish market so successful and implements them in her own department with amazing results. There are four basic principles at play here, and they have actually been adopted by well-known companies, such as Southwest Airlines. A great read!

 

The Butterfly Effect: by Andy Andrews

In the 1960’s, a meteorologist proposed the “butterfly effect” to a room of his colleagues, and was laughed off of the stage. His idea was this: in flapping its wings, a butterfly moves molecules of air which in turn move more molecules of air, and so on until weather patterns are created. Andrews has taken this principle and translated to our lives, to show us that our lives do matter. If you ask yourself the question, “What if I had never been born?” how many other lives would be different today? The major point is that everything you do matters to someone and you may never know how much. This is a short, compelling read. (By the way, contemporary physicists now accept the “butterfly effect”).

 

Happiness of Pursuit: by Chris Gillebean

This is a book about “questing.” While most of us will never pursue the quests of this author, there are great truths to be learned and very practical steps to be taken to become a “quester” in one’s own environment or to develop the courage to launch a new quest in our lives. The book features short narratives of “questers” from all societal sectors, as it speaks to the basic definition of a “quest” and how we can all find ours.

 

7 Habits of Highly Successful People: by Steven Covey

We all fall into one of three categories – dependent, independent and interdependent. According to Covey, success comes from interdependence – the ability to collaborate with others to achieve something that we would not be able to achieve alone. From here, he defines and explains the 7 habits that are formed when we are interdependent – habits that make us highly successful in both our work and personal lives. This may not be as fun a read as some other books on this list, but there are practical, realistic methods by which we can change ourselves from within and develop those 7 habits.

 

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: by Dr. Richard Carlson

Carlson addresses the overwhelming tendency we have to let the small things consume our lives, so that we neglect the big, important stuff. This is a very thoughtful piece with realistic tools to calm down when life is harried and stressful. A lot of the suggestions focus on small changes that we can make in our daily routines and in our responses to others, not the least of which is to get outside our egocentric existence and see the larger picture.

 

The Greatest Salesman in the World: by Og Mandino

Another parable. Hafid, a young man in ancient Jerusalem is facing the death of his mentor, a successful businessman. ON his deathbed, the mentor gives Hafid a set of scrolls, to be opened one a month. In these scrolls are the secrets to success. Hafid is to focus on only one scroll each month, and this is how the habits of personal empowerment are achieved. The firsts scroll begins with, “Today I begin a new life,” and provides practical advice on the giving up of old negative thoughts and habits. This is a short, quick read, and you will not be bored!

 

The Richest Man in Babylon: by George S. Clason

Though this book was published in 1926, the financial principles are universal and timeless. For anyone looking to make some important and basic changes in their personal finances, this parable about money management is a must read. Simple, to the point, practical, and short – better advice than even a financial advisor could give.

John Unger is a professional blogger, who likes literature, traveling and meeting new people!

*List was created in association with Assignment Mountain.

 

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Playmoss Creates Playlists from YouTube, Vimeo and SoundCloud

Web/iOS/Android: Lots of web sites let you create playlists…but only using media from that site. Playmoss creates a master playlist that allows content from YouTube, Vimeo and SoundCloud.

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Skip Giving Your Social Security Number to the Doctor (If You Can)

Doctor’s offices aren’t the first place you’d think of for a data breach, but that doesn’t mean they’re immune. If a medical professional’s office asks for your social security number, consider skipping it.

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Stuffcard Inventories Your Possessions with Warranty Reminders

iOS: Nobody likes waiting to fix something and then finding out the warranty expired. Stuffcard tracks your purchases along with your warranties, and reminds you when they end.

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Shop at an Smaller Grocery Store to Avoid Overspending

Shopping at a grocery store should save you money since you won’t be eating out as much. But if you tend to overspend at the grocery store, try shopping at a store with less choice.

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GifGrabber Captures Your Mac’s Screen and Makes Animated GIFs

OS X: Animated GIFs get your point across visually without using a video. You can make animated gifs from an existing video, but if you just want to capture your screen, GifGrabber will do the trick.

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