Month: March 2017

The 7 Morning Rituals That Changed My Life

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You’re reading The 7 Morning Rituals That Changed My Life, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

I’ve always wondered how successful entrepreneurs always stay energetic and motivated throughout their day. While it seemed that they were just highly driven people, there seemed to be no way I could achieve such a level of motivation.

And then, I came across an interview with Tony Robbins on YouTube where he talked about his daily morning priming routine. I was blown away.

It wasn’t Tony’s method that surprised me, it was the sudden realization that most successful entrepreneurs I’d read about followed specific daily morning routines.

With further research, I found that almost all productivity gurus emphasized the importance of morning routine routines in setting the pace for the rest of the day.

In a few short weeks, I started experimenting and testing some habits myself. And the effort paid off- I saw gradual improvement in my productivity and mindfulness throughout the day. And I’ve been following these routines religiously since then.

In this post, I’m going to explain the 7 morning rituals that changed my life for good.

  1. Waking up at 6 AM

I know- this sounds very trivial. But let’s face it- how many of you actually wake up at 6 every morning?

The issue is that most of us need 7-8 hours of sleep a day- which is impossible if you’re running a business, and next to impossible if you have kids.

But this is the essential step because waking up early gives you the time to complete all your morning routines before you leave for office or send your kids to school.

And to the lazy ones among us (me included), waking up in the early morning is akin to hell. Luckily, I found a way to beat laziness and my sleep cycle.

In Hal Elrod’s Miracle Morning, he breaks down the 30-day cycle of creating a new habit into 3 phases: the first 10 unbearable days, the next 10 uncomfortable days and the last 10 unstoppable days.

The first 10 days are the hardest. And I beat my sleepiness in those 10 days using a simple Android app: the Sleep cycle alarm clock. This is a simple app that wakes us up when we’re in the lightest sleep phase so that we feel refreshed and relaxed when we wake up.

  1. The Cold Bath

Some of you might have heard of Tony Robbins using cryotherapy to boost his neurons every day right after he wakes up. Well, the practice isn’t new.

Having a cold or warm bath right after you wake up is one of the best ways to quickly activate your internal organs and neurons. I prefer cold baths because I feel more energized and activated.

  1. 3 minutes of Kapalabhati Pranayama

I’ll admit it- I stole this one from Tony Robbins’ priming routine. He follows a different version, but his version is derived from the actual Kapalabhati Pranayama breathing exercise.

I can explain in detail, but I learned the practice from this video:

While the actual Pranayama practice can take quite a bit of time, I believe 3 minutes of rigorous exhaling and inhaling should be sufficient for our purpose.

  1. Matcha Tea

I lived in Japan for a while. Over time, I developed a love for Japanese culture. And the greatest blessing was that I developed a liking to Matcha- which is finely powdered specially grown Japanese green tea. Matcha has been consumed by the Japanese for over 900 years, and studies have shown that matcha has a wide variety of health benefits- partly due to the ridiculously high concentration of antioxidants and catechins (3-10 times more than green tea)

There are researches that point out how matcha improves metabolism and reduces the risk of cancer. Multiple studies also show that matcha reduces hair fall. I’ll stop bragging about matcha now.

I have a bowl of matcha every morning right after my breathing exercise. Matcha gives me a sense of calm alertness, and this primes my mind for the next three routines, while also energizing me. In fact, I intake matcha though a variety of matcha recipes throughout the day.

  1. Gratitude

This is yet another morning routine that almost every single productivity guru talks about. While being grateful for what you have has little to do with productivity, it immensely helps in staying positive.

And this is exactly what I do:

I think of 3 things I’m grateful for. These can be anything as complex as achieving my blogging goals, or as simple as the gentle wind on my face. Being grateful for the simple things in life helps me a lot in staying positive throughout the day- it’s a practice I recommend to everyone.

  1. Exercise

This one is obvious. Our brain runs on exercise. It’s one of the most healthy ways to improve brain and muscular function while reducing body fat.

You can choose any exercise that suits you. I’ve noticed that running is what works best for me. I have a quick 10-minute sprint with a break of 1 minute in between. That’s it.

I also have a quick body shower right after this to wash away the sweat.

  1. 3 Minutes of Visualization

This one is straight out of the controversial movie The Secret. While I have different opinions about several other teachings in the Secret, visualization is a practice that I’ve found to be highly effective. In fact, almost all entrepreneurs I’ve read about practice this one routine.

This routine is just about visualizing your goals, and imagining that you’ve already achieved them.

I have a vision board where I stick or note down all my goals- and I simply take a quick glance at it, close my eyes for five minutes and just visualize myself as having achieved those goals.

And don’t routine by how it sounds. Visualization is the best way to condition your subconscious to the state required to achieve your goals.

Catalin is the founder of Inspired Mag, and his current obsessions are Sun Ra and matcha tea.

You’ve read The 7 Morning Rituals That Changed My Life, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

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mikenudelman:Most expiration dates are wrong — here’s how long…

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Nantucket – Massachusetts – USA (by Kenneth Garcia) 

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Nantucket – Massachusetts – USA (by Kenneth Garcia) 

How to Change Your Eating Patterns

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By Leo Babauta

Many of us are trapped in our old, hardened eating patterns.

In fact, we might not even be aware of the patterns, but we do know that 1) we’d like to get healthier or leaner; 2) we have a hard time making eating changes; 3) we don’t always know how to change.

Those are good realizations! It means we have to humble ourselves, and find a way to put ourselves into an area of uncertainty and discomfort in order to change.

Some common eating patterns that are difficult to change:

  • Snacking on junk food
  • Sugary drinks like sodas or Starbuck sugary coffee drinks
  • Bingeing in the evening
  • Eating out a lot and making unhealthy choices, then regretting it
  • Needing comfort foods when you’re stressed or feeling down
  • You start drinking and then you eat like crap

And more, of course. These are just some common examples. Do you have any of these? Are there others you aren’t aware of but that keep you locked into a less-than-healthy lifestyle?

If you’re ready to make a change, let’s look at how to change our eating patterns.

What Gets in the Way

Before we look at how to change the patterns, let’s take a look at the common obstacles. Don’t get discouraged by this list! Changing is definitely possible, as my own life shows. I’ve changed my entire diet completely, and while I’m not perfect by any means, I have confidence in my ability to change my patterns if I want to.

Some common obstacles:

  • Being motivated by guilt, fear, regret: Studies show that these motivations are very common, and they don’t work well. Instead, change that sticks is motivated by a positive outlook and self-motivation.
  • Vague or too many goals: If you have a specific plan, rather than “eating healthier,” that’s more likely to succeed. If you try to change too many things at once (exercise, diet, meditation, decluttering, procrastination!), you’ll use up your limited energy and discipline.
  • Depriving ourselves: If you are on a diet, and it feels like a sacrifice and deprivation, you won’t be able to stick to that for long. Instead, eat high-volume foods like vegetables and beans that fill you up and don’t leave you hungry, and eat indulgent but healthy foods like a few squares of dark chocolate, berries, relaxing tea, a glass of red wine. Make it feel like a wonderful lifestyle rather than self-flagellation.
  • Not having practical ways to get there: It’s great to have a goal to lose weight, but how will you do it? Most people only have a vague idea of what to do, and it can be confusing. It’s best to have a practical plan. More in the next section.
  • Too much choice & variety: If you go to a buffet and there’s a hundred delicious-looking foods there, you’ll probably overeat. The same is true at home or wherever we normally eat — if you always have lots of choices, with tempting varieties, you’ll probably overeat. But if you went somewhere where there was just one choice, and it was healthy, you’d probably do much better.
  • Social eating: Eating out with friends or going to parties can make it difficult — mostly because of the above reason of too much choice and variety. But also because we’re not mindful of our choices when we’re talking to people, and also we might feel pressure to eat like everyone else instead of making healthy choices.
  • Resistance to healthy foods: Lots of people don’t like vegetables. Or beans, raw nuts, whole grains. I know people who would rather die than eat brown rice, oats, kale or drink soymilk. This is a barrier to changing eating patterns.
  • Not realizing your patterns: Many people aren’t really aware of what their eating patterns are. It can be hard to figure it out unless you’re forced to see it in the cold harsh light of day.
  • Healthy eating is confusing: There’s a lot of advice out there, so many things to learn about. To combat that, pick a simple, whole-foods diet and just stick to a simple plan. Veggies, fruits, beans, nuts, whole grains. Drink water, tea, maybe a bit of red wine. Simple!
  • Depending on willpower: If you have to stare donuts in the face, then French fries, then sumptuous dessert … you will run out of willpower. Instead, change your environment, and make things easy on yourself.
  • It’s not convenient: When you’re hungry, tired, stress, or lonely … you’ll reach for what’s easy. Instead, get rid of the junk and have convenient snacks (I like hummus and carrots, and apples and raw nuts).
  • You think it’s expensive: Healthy eating can be seen as super expensive. Actually, it can be even cheaper: try lentils! A lentil soup with potatoes or some brown rice is super cheap. Add some frozen green veggies and you have an incredibly healthy, simple meal for very little.

OK, that might seem like a lot of obstacles. But being aware of them is key, and now that we’ve looked at them, let’s talk about some solutions, and how to shake up our eating patterns.

Shaking Up the Patterns

I’m usually a fan of slow changes, but lately I’ve been realizing that it can be helpful to really give our patterns a good shakeup.

How do we do that? By giving ourselves a line to stick to.

Here’s what I mean: when we meditate, by trying to focus our attention on our breath … it becomes very obvious once our attention wanders to a chain of thoughts. Without the line drawn in the sand — trying to stick to watching the breath — it’s hard to notice the mental patterns of impatience, frustration, harshness, retreating into our stories, rationalizing, etc. The breath is the line that we try to stick to, and the line helps us see what’s going on.

So create a line to stick to for eating patterns.

I recommend that your line be a meal plan, that you try to stick to for one month.

By trying to stick to a meal plan, it becomes very obvious when you binge, or eat a bunch of afternoon snacks, or breakfast on pastries and a latte. Your patterns start to become obvious.

And when you learn that you can actually stick to the meal plan, the patterns start to fall apart. You’re aware of them, but no longer beholden to them. You start to free yourself.

Here’s what I recommend:

  • Make a simple, healthy meal plan: Pick a healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch, a healthy dinner, a healthy snack or two. Enter it into an online food tracker to see how the calories add up (I shoot for 250-500 calories below my maintenance level to lose weight). Keep it simple to prepare, based almost entirely on healthy whole foods, not processed foods. Again, veggies, beans, nuts, whole grains, fruits. Btw, I pick one healthy meal and eat it for both lunch and dinner, every night of the week, to keep things simple.
  • Plan for indulgences: Don’t make it a sacrifice — include delicious nutritious foods, include indulgences like dark chocolate, red wine, coffee, berries, tea. And include a couple free meals each week (don’t pig out, just eat moderately but whatever you want).
  • Stick to it for a month, give your habit time to change: Challenge yourself to stick to the meal plan (with two free meals per week) for a month. This will give your mind and body time to adjust to new habits.
  • Clean up your environment: Keep junk out of your house. Have healthy alternatives to your usual comforts — fruits instead of sweets, air-popped popcorn or carrots and hummus instead of chips.
  • Prep to make it easy: If you eat the same lunch every day, and the same dinner every day, prepare them in advance so that it’s easy to eat when it’s mealtime.
  • Have strategies for restaurants & social eating: If you have to go out, either make it one of your free meals (and remember to eat moderately) or plan what meal you’ll be eating. For example, you can look at the menu online and know that you’ll have lentil soup with a salad, or black bean tacos with guac. If you’re going to a party, prepare your healthy food and bring it to the party.
  • Give yourself time to adjust to new foods: If you don’t like the taste of vegetables at first, let yourself eat them every day for a week. You’ll start to like them.

So that’s the plan: make a simple, healthy meal plan and stick to it every day for a month (with two free meals a day). Clean up your food environment, don’t make it a super sacrifice. Yes, this is a bit boring. But if you rebel against that, it shows you a pattern — you need excitement in your food! But actually that’s not something we need to get from food — it’s not entertainment, it’s sustenance.

You’ll start to see your patterns if you try this plan. You’ll become very aware of what you’re rebelling against, what your failures are (and why), and you’ll be able to focus on those and get better at them.

Finding a Fresh Alternative

What happens when the month is over? Must we stick to a meal plan forever? No, but we can now step outside our old patterns and choose a fresh alternative.

Like what? Some ideas for alternatives to our old patterns:

  • Plan healthy meals for the week.
  • Eat healthier alternatives to our old comfort foods and snacks.
  • Change our food environment to be more conducive to health.
  • Change our social eating to be a bit healthier.
  • Find other ways to cope with stress (meditation!), comfort ourselves (a walk, a bath, tea), socialize (go for a hike).
  • Adjust to new healthy foods and find joy in the deliciousness of nutritiousness.
  • Letting go of shame around food, and instead just seeing it as nourishment.

I’m not going to tell you what alternatives you should choose, but only recommend that you allow yourself some time to contemplate how you’d like to live.

Fresh alternatives are available once we shine a light on our old patterns, and break away from them.

Course: How to Stick to a Lean-Out Diet

If you’d like to go deeper into these topics, and challenge yourself to stick to a meal plan this month … I’m offering a course for my Sea Change members called “How to Stick to a Lean-Out Diet“. It’s just a way to create a healthy meal plan and stick to it for the month, but it’ll be a good exploration of all the topics above.

Join us now to get access to the course (and a challenge with weekly reporting): Sea Change Program.

In this monthly membership program, you get access to:

  • Video lessons
  • Monthly challenges
  • A forum for supporting each other and accountability
  • A webinar (for Gold level members)
  • Lots of great content in the course library

I’d love it if you joined me today.

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How To Get The Best Deal From Your Local Used Cars Dealership

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Do you need tips on how to buy used cars? Do you want to buy used cars from Pueblo Co or some other state or area?

If you think buying used cars is easy- think again. Even the most experienced car shopper can feel intimidated about making a deal once in a while. Apart from hidden mechanical problems, there’s title-washing and price-gouging that can take the deal off of the favor of the consumer.

Should you buy online or local?

The only time you should consider buying online is if there is NO reputable used car dealership near you. This is after you’ve asked your relatives, friends, and colleagues at work for their recommendations.

You can also turn to Google for help. I live in Colorado so when I was doing my research, I googled for “used cars pueblo co“. Just change the area to the place where you live and you’re sure to get hits. You can try these search terms:

  • used cars + your area/state
  • used cars for sale in + your area/state

If you come across a local dealership with good online or friend reviews, choose buying from your local dealership. Just like buying any personal item — like clothes or shoes — it’s difficult to make purchases without seeing your choices in person and taking them for a test drive. And with a sizable amount of money at stake, it’s important not to suffer later on from buyer’s regret.

Tips and tricks for buying a used car

Be one step ahead

When negotiating, dealers often take the reign. You’ll immediately be asked what kind of car you are looking for, how much your budget is, and when you are likely to seal the deal. Answering these questions right away won’t put things in your favor.

Instead of divulging all this information, keep things to yourself and look around first. Know as much information as you can about the cars available like weak points, price, and typical cost of repair. The more research and groundwork you do, the less likely you’ll buy on impulse.

Request for the car’s service records

Once you’ve narrowed down your choices, it’s time to ask for service records. The availability of a car’s service records is an indication of how well the vehicle is maintained. These records can give you an idea of its past problems and repairs done. They can also let you see the history of the car.

This is an essential step since not all dealers are transparent enough to let buyers see the faults in their vehicles. Keep in mind, however, that missing service records don’t readily mean problems.

Check for the car’s safety tests and VIN

Apart from repairs and mechanical issues, it’s also a good idea to check for the car’s records regarding state safety and emission tests. These tests are mandated by the state law so make sure to double check.

Checking the car’s Vehicle Identification Number (VIN), on the other hand, can give you reports regarding title problems, accidents as well as ownership. Such details can help you make your final decision. You can find a car’s VIN stamped on its plate.

Do your research before going to the dealership

car research

The first step in negotiating for a used car is to know how much others are willing to pay for it. There are tools or forums you can find online that can give you an idea of how much a car is worth in different conditions. Once you have an idea, you can start setting your floor and ceiling rates.

Your floor rate should be 5 to 10% lower than the average selling value of the car. The ceiling rate, on the other hand, is the highest price you are willing to pay to get the car.

See Also: 15 Questions to Ask When Buying a Used Car

Bring a professional like a mechanic you trust

bring a mechanic

Before setting your heart on any particular car, make sure to bring a trusted mechanic with you, or a friend who is crazy knowledgable about cars. In this situation, it pays to have an expert opinion. You won’t only be inspecting your potential purchase, you’ll also find out if your dealers are trustworty and reliable.

See Also: How to Find a Good Mechanic in the Age of Social Media

Be alert when the sales dude starts talking monthly payments

There are a handful of things dealers can do to make sure you let go of the limits you’ve set. They can ask you how much you are willing to pay per month as well as your maximum spending limit. These things are actually in their favor, since these information can help them conceal the bottom line price of the car. Answering these questions can make you end up paying more.

Be firm with your budget

Present the dealer with your floor rate. Explain politely that you know the actual cost of the car since you did your research and met with several dealers already. Say that you won’t be signing any papers until your figures are met.

To get the best deal, you have to wear them down and be firm with your budget. At times, one of the best ways to win a negotiation is not to negotiate at all.

Get a breakdown

On top of asking for the car’s bottom price, you also need to ask for its breakdown to see what you’ll actually be paying. When buying used cars, you should expect to pay for certain fees, like registration and tax. If there is something you can’t understand in their list, don’t be afraid to ask and clarify.

Do an actual test drive

To know if a car is really for you, take it out for a test drive. It’s also a good way to check if the dealer is really telling the truth regarding the car’s condition. Apart from that, test-driving the car gives you enough time to actually focus on it.

When test driving, pay attention to as many details as you can. Dealers aren’t likely to repair any damage or issues in the car if they can’t easily be seen, especially problems underneath the car and under the hood.

To start, check if the car is easy to get in and out from without hitting your head. Make sure there’s enough headroom and legroom so you can be as comfortable as possible when driving. Take note of the seats, too. See if they can provide enough support for your back and if they can easily be adjusted.

Use your nose when test driving. You shouldn’t be able to smell gas or burning oil. There also shouldn’t be any problematic noises. Test the headlights, brake lights and turn indicators to see if they work. The brakes should be fully functional and not squeaking every time you use them. Double check the heater and air conditioning, too.

In case you still aren’t convinced, you can always consider having the car checked by a good used car inspection service, especially if you weren’t able to bring in a mechanic with you in the beginning. It can cost you an extra fee but it can alert you of problems most untrained eyes can’t see. You can consider it as part of your investment.

For first time buyers of used cars, Pueblo Co has several accredited auto maintenance and repair shops that offer thorough assessment services. You won’t have a hard time finding one that can help you check and double check the car you’re aiming for. See if your local dealership offers the same service.

Good luck and we hope you find a gem!

 

The post How To Get The Best Deal From Your Local Used Cars Dealership appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

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7 Ways to Live Within Your Means

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Financial gurus often talk about living within your means. You hear it all the time but do you know what it truly means? Have you figured out how to do this?

This advice is all about spending less than what you receive. Another way to put it is to cut back and that sounds no fun at all. However, it is necessary if you find yourself struggling financially.

For the majority, this can be hard to achieve and definitely easier said than done. It is a struggle to battle out bills, rent, food, social life, and maybe travel expenses too. Aside from this, there are credit cards and loans that could tempt us. Unfortunately, this lifestyle is not possible with a limited salary. There are also reckless spending that could catch up and wreck your bank account. This oftentimes causes great stress. It is essential to make important changes to avoid financial ruin.

The question is, is there a way to achieve this without actually changing your lifestyle. Is saving synonymous to sacrifice?

Rather than giving up, there are some tips you might want to take into consideration, although these might require a few sacrifices too.

• Learn how to cook

learn how to cook

Bringing a home-cooked lunch and even some snacks to work can help reduce your food expenses, especially if you tend to splurge on overpriced meals. Just think of how much you could save during the week if you bring your own food!

What’s more is that the food make can be cheaper and healthier if you make it yourself. So from now on, learn to cook even just the simplest of dishes to have more spending money for the weekends and be healthier as well.

• Create a budget

One way to control how much you spend is setting a budget and sticking to it, all while putting your savings to the side. Opening a separate savings account can very much help you, as you won’t be tempted to spend it.

See Also: 5 Powerful Hacks To Help You Simplify Your Budget

• Download saving apps

This is probably the easiest way to save since you’re just on your phone. With several apps to choose from, you’ll certainly find one that suits your needs.

Aside from tracking your usual expenses, at the end of the month, you can see how much you’ve spent in the past week or month. You can also see where you spend too much, allowing you to see where you can cut down your expenses.

• Avoid splurging

Before buying something, you might want to think about it thoroughly first. Ask yourself, “Do I need it?” “What will I use it for?” “When will I use it?” “Do I have something similar at home?”

Meanwhile, despite the notion that you get what you pay for, there are actually cheap items that are also quality goods. So if you really want to buy something, take a look around for the lowest price or try your best to find promos. These will definitely help you avoid spending more money than you really should.

See Also: 7 Steps To Slow Your Financial Burn Rate

• Review recurring expenses

Take time to sit down and review monthly bills and financial obligations. Check the ones that can be negotiated for better rates. Even insurances are reassessed yearly. Do research ahead of time.

• Utilize financial tools

Aside from apps, there are tools that you can use to find discounts and promo codes. There are best deals available in the market for your disposal.

• Consider doing some DIY projects

painting own nails

Choose DIY projects that can help you save money and those that are within your skill level. This includes painting your own nails, making your own cleaning solutions, and growing your herbs and vegetables.

Saving money and trying to live off of what you have can be extremely hard and would take a lot of self-control. So, just try your best to follow these tips and who knows, everything just might work out.

 

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This animation shows how fast a rocket must go to leave every…

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On this day 145 years ago, the world’s first national park,…

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On this day 145 years ago, the world’s first national park, Yellowstone National Park, was created. For anyone who has visited this incredible land of fire and ice and marveled at the amazing wildlife and unique geologic features, there’s little doubt why Yellowstone is considered one of our nation’s greatest treasures. Even if you weren’t one of its more than 4 million visitors last year, you can still discover fun facts about the park: http://on.doi.gov/24zbV9d Photo courtesy of Michael Hardridge.

Why Criticizing Others Won’t Get Them to Change … and What Will!

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When someone in your life behaves in a way that is off-putting or upsetting to you — maybe they cross one of your boundaries, or perhaps they just do something that is not cool with you, maybe even repeatedly, and you finally get fed up with it — how do you handle the situation?

How do you confront them about their undesirable behavior, or perhaps their lack of desirable behavior?

You want them to change, right?

But is your approach really working to bring about that change?

If you’re like many people, the approach you may very well take is to criticize them and find fault with their behavior. This often takes the form of “You never […]” or “You always […]” — then insert the behavior in question.

But have you ever stopped to consider the reasoning behind criticizing others, hoping it will change their behavior?

If you investigate it, the common thought process is this:

“If I just make this person aware of their behavior by pointing it out to them and how off-putting it is, it should be reason enough for them to change it.”

Sounds logical enough, doesn’t it?

But does it actually work?

When you criticize people and find fault with their behavior, do they end up changing?

I’m willing to bet the answer is: No way!

What usually ends up happening?

Don’t they generally just dig in their heels and become defensive and argumentative?

They either start trying to weasel their way out of the situation by making excuses for themselves and the way they act, or they attempt to justify their behavior by giving you reasons for why they act the way they do.

And in other cases, they may even turn the situation around on you and start criticizing you in return. They may retaliate and start picking out your own faults and flaws.

Now instead of getting them to change, the only thing that’s accomplished is a heated argument, where nothing comes of it but hostility and resentment.

So what’s the solution to this problem?

And how do we get others to change?

The first thing you need to realize is that finding fault with others and criticizing their behavior doesn’t work to bring about change in other people. In fact, it only brings out the worst in them. It only leads to them feeling like they’re under attack.

And how do we respond when we’re under attack?

We either try to defend ourselves, or we fight back

defensive argument

And in that, the whole aim or purpose of our initial actions and the results we hope to achieve (to get the other person to change their behavior because it wreaks some form of hardship on us) get lost along the way. They get pushed to the side and instead, the interaction takes on a complete tangent in the form of an argument, where nothing but animosity and strife are the result.

Then we may get angry and bitter because the person can’t see the error of their ways, even though we’ve so accurately pointed them out to them. And then when the argument is over, likely unresolved and filled with bitterness and resentment, perhaps we go and complain and gossip to our friends about how the person just can’t see and doesn’t understand how their behavior negatively affects us.

See Also: The Best Way to Win an Argument

We blame them for being the problem

blaming others

But what if the problem isn’t really with them? What if the real problem is the approach we took in confronting the situation? What if fault finding and criticizing just doesn’t work to bring about changes in others as it relates to us?

If so, what is the real solution?

How do we truly create change in others’ behavior?

The secret is to separate the behavior in question from the person’s sense of identity.

What do I mean by that?

Instead of criticizing someone’s behavior, making them feel like they’re under attack (which will generally only make them defensive and argumentative), we have to go under their radar and prevent their ego from getting involved in the conversation.

This is done by telling the person how their behavior (or lack of it) make you feel. Instead of placing the focus on them by putting them down, focus on your feelings.

Simply use a statement like this:

“When you […], I feel […].”

For example, instead of saying, “You always come so home so late! What’s the matter with you?” — which will probably just lead to a full-blown argument — simply say, “When you come home so late, I feel worried.”

This prevents you from putting a laser focus on them, which will prevent them from getting defensive and argumentative. Instead, it puts the focus on your feelings about their behavior. And because you haven’t involved their ego in the confrontation, they will be open to listening to you and understanding where you’re coming from.

Because it’s about you and not them, they won’t throw up their barriers as in the case of criticizing and fault finding.

Then the next step is follow-up with a “Would you […]?” question.

For example, “Would you please call if you know you’re going to be coming home late to let me know?”

Here, you’re not demanding anything of them. You’re approaching the subject in a civil way. You’re asking them for permission, in a sense. You’re asking for their consent in the matter.

You’re giving them the choice, and that always leads to more positive results.

If you take this approach instead of criticizing someone and finding fault with them, hoping it will change their behavior, you’re almost sure to find it’s a method that actually produces the results you want.

Remember:

“When you […], I feel […].”

Followed by:

“Would you […]?”

That’s it.

Remember those words the next time you feel like criticizing someone who behaviors in a way that is undesirable to you and you want them to change, and you’ll find it’s the difference between an argument where nothing but an argument is the result, and creating real, positive change in others.

See Also: The Call for Change: Time to Step Out of the Comfort Zone

 

The post Why Criticizing Others Won’t Get Them to Change … and What Will! appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

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Gwendolyn Huisman and Marijn Boterman Rehabilitated a Netherlands Building

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This beautiful building, with dark brick facade of those with many stories to tell was rehabilitated by Gwendolyn Huisman and Marijn Boterman in 2016 and is located in Rotterdam,The Netherlands. Keeping in mind that although it has 140 square meters divided over 3 levels and each one is 20 meters width and only 3.4 meters wide which makes it completely narrow, the architects took maximum advantage of the space they..

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